You may also enjoy How to Fall in Love Again and Bedtime Rituals You Need

​Written by Aaron & April Jacob

So, how does that apply to married life? 

You are faced with a slew of choices each day, especially when it comes to who, or what, gets your attention.

Will it be your phone or your spouse?
Will it be your work or your spouse?
Will it be your kids or your spouse?
Will it be your news feed or your spouse?
Will it be your (precious) sleep or your spouse?

The list goes on and on. 

Your spouse deserves - and craves - your attention. 

Now, your spouse won't always get all of your attention, all of the time, but he or she certainly needs and deserves at least some of your attention every day - even if just for a few seconds.

You both need more time and attention together if you want your relationship to thrive. 

So, what does it mean to pay attention to your spouse? 

It means that you are attentive to his or her presence, words, needs, and challenges, and that you decide to do something about it.

Okay, you have that part down, now what does it look like to pay attention to your spouse? 

Here are 25 ways to give your spouse the time of day this week (And believe us, these things are a big deal when it comes to nurturing your marriage!)

READ: 9 QUESTIONS THAT WILL INVITE MORE PEACE INTO YOUR MARRIAGE​

You may also enjoy The Art of Being a More Patient Spouse and Make Your Marriage Better by Learning from Mistakes

You think you know your spouse prettttty well, and you probably do, however, we have a fun little way for you to get to know your spouse even better, and it's so simple you may laugh (or roll your eyes). 

We want you to take a personality test. 

It's true. And we want you to do it together. Well, side-by-side, that is. 

In fact, we want you to make a date night of it. Pick up dinner (or our favorite, froyo) and then cuddle up on the couch together and take this FREE personality test. 

Seriously, do it. (P.S. This post is NOT sponsored, we just really think couples should try this out - it is soooooo fun!)

The cool thing about the report you will get at the end, is that it goes through your strengths and weaknesses, your romantic relationships, your friendships, your parenting style, your career path, and your workplace habits - a fascinating read, for sure!  ​

After you both take the test, read through your own report and then read through your spouse's. You may laugh out loud. And comments like "This is spot on!" and "How do they know me so well?!" will be heard.

Then just talk.
And point out each other's strengths.
And  talk some more.

Good, deep, real and raw conversation is bound to follow - about why he parents the way he does or why she shows love in the way that she does. 

​READ: 100 WAYS TO SERVE YOUR SPOUSE

You'll find yourself saying things like, "Now you get why I can't seem to declutter that one drawer," or "Now you know why I have literally must have a plan for everything - even which aisle I go down first at the grocery store!" 

You'll better understand why he debates things and always tries to win every argument, and why she reads into every little eyebrow raise and comment and overanalyzes it. 

Simply put, you'll understand each other better. 

And with understanding comes love. As you understand your husband or wife better, you will also love him or her more. 

So this is well worth the 12 minutes the test should take (it will probably take less time than that!). 

TAKE THE TEST HERE!

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

There are going to be days when you don’t feel like being kind, or selfless, or thoughtful. Or there may be times when you are certain you are absolutely right and your spouse is wrong. Together you may face any of life’s challenges - job loss, infertility, death in the family, health and illness, addiction, etc.

If we could offer you any unconventional marriage advice, perhaps it would be this (this advice is just for you, but it can go both ways in most cases,  if your future wife is reading):
​
1. Every day make the choice to love your wife. Now, the kind of love successful marriages are built on isn't simply romantic love or limerance, though those emotions can certainly be a part of it. Rather, married love will look a bit different. It will look like service. It will look like thoughtfulness. It will look like selflessness. It will look like kindness. It will look like biting your tongue. It will look like laughter. It will look like a deep kind of joy that only comes when you put the needs of someone else above your own. Loving your wife won't always be easy, but it will be the most beautiful experience of your life. 

2. Be patient. Be patient with yourself, with your wife, and with your marriage. Things won't be perfect, but they will be perfect for you. Be patient. Life isn't all about you having everything you want in the way you want it right now, but you already know that. As a wise professor once taught us, "When things don't go as planned, don't get frustrated, make the best of it!"

3. Remember that talking is foreplay. So is doing the dishes. And planning a date night. And getting up with the kids. And rubbing her sore back. And telling her she looks beautiful. And saying thank you. And going with her to her appointment. And happily going shopping with her. If you take care of your sweet wife and her needs, there is a good chance she will reciprocate those kind feelings in a way that will be meaningful for both of you, wink wink. 

9. When you and wife disagree on something, or hurt each other’s feelings, decide to look inside yourself first and to see what changes you can make. Be the first to apologize. Forgive quickly. If you can let go of little annoyances, and give your wife the benefit of the doubt, you two are going to be just fine.

10. Be affectionate. And we mean, really affectionate. If you aren’t super affectionate, you can learn and improve! For the rest of your life, be committed to holding your wife’s hand, to hugging her for longer than two seconds, to kissing her just because, to putting your arm around her when you sit next to her in public, to stroking her hair, etc. You both need that kind of gentle affection on the daily.

This list is in no way all-inclusive, but there you have it, a few bits of marriage advice because you asked, and we answered. 

Simply be committed to keeping the promises you are about to make on your wedding day.

Nurture your marriage one day at a time, and you will end up being that couple - the couple who dances in the kitchen at night, tenderly cares for each other during the sunset seasons of life, and who can honestly say, "My spouse is my greatest treasure in life. I'm so grateful I married him/her. This has been the best experience of my life."

Photo Credit: ​Crooze Photography

Read - 
5 Ways to Foster Emotional Intimacy
Doing Things Your Lover Loves Because You Love Your Lover
56 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
An Interview with Dan & Annie Mangelson

You may also enjoy 6 Ways to Be the Hero When Your Wife is Emotional and 10 Text Messages Your Wife Will Appreciate

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

 We hear from couples all the time who say they don't talk to their spouses anymore.

"We don't have anything to talk about."
"We know everything about each other."
"She doesn't want to share her thoughts."
"He doesn't like talking about his feelings."
"Talking turns into fighting, so we avoid talking."

This happens to a lot of couples and can create a lot of distance - both  emotionally and physically.

If you and your spouse haven't been talking a lot lately or don't feel like you have a lot to talk about, don't get discouraged. The good news is that you can get better at talking. You can. 

The real question is, are you willing to? 

Once upon a time you two had a lot to talk about, and you enjoyed sharing your stories from the day, your deepest fears, and your biggest dreams. Somewhere along the way life happened and you may or may not have unintentionally stopped talking and listening to each other like you used to.

Good news, with a few simple tips, you will be able to practice opening up again, and listening with love.

And the good old days are already on their way back. 

In our new book, Love is Patient, Love is Kind: A Christian Marriage Devotional, we share a few very practical tips for how to start talking again. 

Here is a short excerpt from the chapter in our book called Connected Conversations - 

"1. Acknowledge each other.

When you wake up, go to sleep, leave, come home, or walk into a room, acknowledge your spouse with words - even just a simple "hey, babe" or "you look nice." By acknowledging your spouse's presence in a friendly and engaging manner, you'll help conversation flow more naturally.

2. Share first.

If you and your spouse have a hard time talking, decide to be the one who will share first. Share the details of your day, even the seemingly normal ones. What was funny, what was hard, and what do you need advice on? Practice your storytelling skills. As you open up to your spouse about your day,  he or she will be more likely to open up to you as well.

3. Open your heart.

At some point, if you really want to feel close to your spouse and be madly in love again, you'll need to be willing to share more than surface-level feelings. Share your emotions, your goals, and your dreams. This may not come naturally to some people, but it is something you can get better at and more comfortable with through practice. As you learn to be vulnerable, real, and sensitive, good things will happen.

4. Ask meaningful questions.

Avoid yes-or-no questions, and if your spouse gives you a one-word answer, try to ask a follow-up question. Ask about your spouse's worries, fears, hobbies, interests, and favorite pastimes. Actively listen to what your spouse shares with you and validate their thoughts, feelings, and opinions." - From Love is Patient, Love is Kind: A Christian Marriage Devotional

Now, these things are easier said than done.

Create an ideal setting. 

In our new book we also talk about ways to create an ideal setting for talking. If you can create rituals and routines that invite connected conversations, then you will be creating a safe, healthy, and warm foundation for a lifetime of talking, sharing, laughing, and loving.

We love what Dave & Ashley Willis suggest - that some men and women are more apt to talk when they are side-by-side instead of face to face. So instead of staring at each other over dinner wondering what to talk about, go for a walk, drive in the car, or bake a treat together. Conversation will come far more naturally than if you are just staring and waiting for it to come. 

Often one of the best times to talk is right before bed. Set a goal to put your phones/devices away and just lay side-by-side or cuddle for ten minutes -  just be. See what kinds of conversations come up when you take the lead and start to share or ask questions. You also may be surprised at how intimate your conversations are if you spend a little time loving each other first. That may seem like the opposite way to approach things for some people, but sometimes physical love first can invite emotional sharing after. Just saying...

And finally, the most important thing. 

Pray for inspiration that is tailored to YOUR needs! God knows your spouse, and all that he or she is going through and dealing with. If anyone can help you navigate a more connected conversation with your spouse on the daily, it is God.

If you will pray for discernment of your spouse's true needs, and for eyes to see ways to serve, lift, support, love, and be there for your spouse - then you will know exactly what to do when you two aren't talking. And you will be inspired about specific things you can do to invite more conversation and communication in. 

If you listen to the promptings that come to you, you will know how you can learn to open up more to your spouse, how to feel safe again, how to overcome past hurts, and how to listen without judgment or a need to retaliate. 

We are so confident that things can start to  get better the very moment you decide you want to improve. Whatever you do, don't give up on your relationship because there is currently a lot of distance between you two. Trust that God will help you close that gap, heal old wounds, and bring your hearts together again. 

Read why communication won't save your marriage here and here. ​​

So you have a few questions...

Let's do an impromptu Q&A session - thoughts on this little thing we call com-mun-i-cating. 

Q. What do you do if your spouse just isn't in the mood for talking?
A. Don't press it. Instead, find a way to connect without talking. Rub his shoulders, give her a hug, make him a sandwich, ask her if she wants to cuddle and watch a show. Seriously, don't force the talking thing. Instead, plan something fun to do this weekend, leave your spouse a love note in the car, or find another way to stay close and connected to your spouse, even if you aren't talking a lot. 

Q. What do you do if your spouse doesn't care about your emotions, goals, and dreams?
A. Whatever you do, don't point out that he/she isn't listening, doesn't care, or that they don't want to talk. Just because your spouse isn't well-practiced in the art of listening, validating, and being sensitive, doesn't mean he or she doesn't care. Be okay with whatever level of attention, listening, and conversation your spouse can offer you right now - because those skills can improve! 

Q. What do you do if you share first and then your spouse has nothing to say?
A. Recently I (April) was at a MOPS meeting where a Marriage Therapist was being interviewed. She spoke about how sometimes one spouse takes up too much room in the relationship and the other spouse just lets them take over. She said if you normally do a lot of the talking in the relationship, step back and give your spouse more room, more space, and more time in the relationship and you'll be surprised at how they open up. 

Q. How do you become a better listener?
A. Being a better listener isn't just about skills, it's about listening with your heart. It's about really caring about what your spouse is saying because you love your spouse, and you want to feel close, connected, and emotionally intimate with him/her. Evaluate your heart, the demands on your time, and the distractions that normally sneak in, and you'll know where and how you can become a better listener. Oh, and you'll appreciate these 5 tips. ​

“THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN COMMUNICATION IS HEARING WHAT ISN’T SAID” ~ PETER DRUCKER

​Q. Why do my spouse and I not talk anymore?
A. In this article we talk about

 The Five Levels of Why

The Five Levels of Why is a method Sakichi Toyoda came up with and it was originally used at the Toyota Motor Corporation (here).

The gist of the method is to repeat the question "Why" five times until you get to the root cause of the problem or process and are then able to begin asking "How" questions in order to find a proper solution. 

For example (​now, this story could both ways for sure) - 

Why are we not talking? Because he had a long day at work and just wants to relax.

Why does he want to relax? Because work is stressful.

Why is work stressful? Well, it's not just that work is stressful, but it seems that everything is piling up at all once - his reports are due Friday, his mom just got out of the hospital, he hasn't been sleeping well, he needs to take his truck into the shop asap, and his anxiety is sky high. 

Why isn't he sleeping well and why is his anxiety so high? He's worried his mom is going to need to go to a care center, and wondering who is going to pay for it. He's been avoiding everything he needs to do by staying up late and watching shows, and he can't seem to shut his brain off at night. He feels alone, overwhelmed, and exhausted.

That is only four why's and it's preeetty clear that perhaps his wife could figure out some how's:

- How could she help him with his truck, or his mom?
- How could she be there to listen to him vent about his anxieties and worries at night instead of going to sleep at 9pm?
- How could she do something to serve him and make his day easier?

She could encourage him to play basketball with his buddies, or send him an encouraging text during the day, or spend more time cuddling with him before going to bed. 

And yes, we could ask a few more why's here and get down to some nitty gritty details on his anxieties and his mom's aging, and his truck (yes, he loves his truck), but we'll stop here. 

And yes, he should take some responsibility for the fact that he isn't showing up 100% as a husband, and yes, he should strive to intentionally give more time, attention, and connection to his wife, but as you can see, he is super super super worn out. 

And instead of talking, what he may need is a lot of love. 

So, you see, it's easy to look at not talking as the problem, when really the problem to address is something else. And if you can address the real problem, then it is wayyyy easier to fix the problem of not talking.

So ask the five why's, or as many as you need, and address the root cause of the problem. 

Q. What do you do if you're not talking that much because every time you do you start to fight?
A. Focus on listening, on validating, on being vulnerable, and on apologizing. Take responsibility for your part of the conversation and remember it takes two to tango. If you can practice healthy and safe conversation, then you will probably be able to keep cool, calm, and collected, which will help your spouse feel more calm, safe, and willing to talk. 

Q. Where do I start?
A. If you are at a lack for great conversation starters, here are some of our favorites. Oh, and we just used these when we were driving home from our ski date last week. We skipped the ones we didn't love and had a blast with the ones we did like. We also love these nine questions and these 36 questions. Read through them and find a few you want to ask your spouse today. Start there. 

You can also start with technology. If you are already avoid each other and spend too much time on your devices, start texting more often throughout the day. Or use an app to connect, leave a video message, or share a pic with your spouse. Start where you are and you'll get better as you keep at it.

Q. Why does it bother me so much that we don't talk a lot?
A. It may be because your love languages are "words of affirmation" or "quality time." Or it may be because what you are both longing for isn't necessarily communication, but rather, connection - emotional and physical connection.

Renowned marriage researcher and author, Dr. John Gottman, speaks of "bids for connection," which include any small bid for your spouse's attention, love, empathy, affection, and love. 

What you do with your spouse's bids for connections matters.

A lot.

Especially if you want to talk more. 

If you are aching and aiming for more connection in your conversations and in your marriage, then please check out this article on 25 Ways to Give Your Spouse the Time of Day and see if trying some of these things doesn't invite more conversation, and more heart-to-hearts about the things that matter most. 

In Conclusion

We hope something in this article has inspired you with something you can do today to improve communication and connection with your spouse.  We're confident that you and your spouse can start talking again, especially if you take the lead and decide to make an intentional effort to improve. 

Ultimately you know why you and your spouse aren't talking. You probably knew before you even clicked on this article. If you search your heart, it will probably be very obvious to you what may be getting in the way of having connected conversations with your spouse. The minute you know what to do, we invite you to do it! You are the only one who can take steps today towards nurturing your marriage. As you do, your spouse is likely to follow suit! 

We would love to hear your tips and thoughts below! 

always cheering you on in your most important relationship, 
April & Aaron

​Some of our other favorite articles on communication:

- One Simple Tool to Help You Communicate with Your Spouse
- Your Marriage Needs these 10 Communication Tips
- 15 Tricks to Help You Learn to Talk to Your Spouse Again
​- 5 Ways to Have a Better Conversation

You may also enjoy What is Your Listening Style? and 6 Ways to Improve Communication in Your Marriage

Written by Bethany Bartholomew
 
You know those couples. The Instagram couples with picture-perfect vacations. The Pinterest couples with the most well-thought-out and creative date nights and family events. The ones who can surprise each other every anniversary and never seem to repeat date ideas.
 
Those couples.
 
And looking at those “perfect” couples can make you feel discouraged. Maybe you don’t have time (or the resources!) to take your spouse to Paris for a long anniversary vacation. Maybe you don’t have the funds to buy your spouse their favorite things every day leading up to Valentine’s Day to make it a huge event. Maybe you don’t have room in your schedules for even a half-day getaway.
 
That’s ok! Most of us don’t.
 
Spontaneous may seem like too much to ask. Togetherness may feel like another to-do. Date night may keep getting postponed. Valentine’s Day may be stressful. Your anniversary comes and goes before you can plan anything big enough to qualify for a proper celebration.
 
But it doesn’t have to feel overwhelming! Not everything has to be over-the-top to be great.
 
Find your everyday instead.
 
If you’re going to be married all day every day, why not take advantage of that time? Instead of focusing on the huge and grand and oh-so-amazing, just focus on your together moments you fit in each day for a few minutes here or there.
 
Find something fun to do with your spouse that is just for the two of you. And schedule it every single day. No pressure if you have to skip it a few times here and there. No consequences. No hurt feelings. But put somewhere in your planner or your phone a time when you do something specific to the two of you.
 
It can be anything. For example, my husband and I recently heard about an online quiz that challenges you to know the names of all the counties in a US state. So we decided to memorize the names of the counties in our state.
 
Random, I know.
 
But we have had so much fun trying to remember our counties each night. We laugh about the ones that are hard to pronounce or silly sounding. We plan out how we’ll remember them all. These are all related to people’s names that we know. These are related to food. These are like landmarks. And so on.
 
So find your “counties quiz.” It can be putting a few pieces of a jigsaw puzzle together, reading a few pages out of a book, or learning the lyrics to a new song. Whatever you want!
 
You can talk about each of your hobbies and find something fun for both of you to do together. Try finding new board games you’ve never played before. Or spend time planning your dream vacation together—where you would go, how long you would stay there, what you would do in each place, etc. Or take up frisbee golf at a nearby park. Or walk around the mall trying to find the most ridiculous outfits you each could wear. Or watch all the seasons of your favorite TV show together.
 
And if you can’t think of anything, try remembering what you liked having in common back when you were dating. What did you do on dates together? What was your go-to activity when you got bored in the afternoons together? Where were your favorite places to hang out?
 
Just find anything that is specific to the two of you. Find something completely unrelated to work or any of your other responsibilities. Find something fun. Find something random. And make it yours.
 
As you establish patterns of togetherness, you’ll create lasting bonds that help you both feel loved, cherished, and noticed. Making a plan for being with your spouse every day shows your spouse that you want to make them a priority in your busy life. And having a routine can help you both take the stress off of trying to do something grand for all your date nights.
 
Of course, the routine will get thrown off here and there. And don’t let it worry you! Be flexible with your expectations. If you know in advance that something is going to get in the way of your planned together time, let your spouse know. You can plan another time when you can do your just-the-two-of-you thing that day, or you can decide to spend an extra few minutes doing your thing the next day instead.
 
Just choose your everyday thing that gets you both excited to see each other for a few minutes. A few minutes away from daily stresses and schedules and struggles. A time when you can reconnect, relax, and revisit the things that make you happy to be the unique couple you are.
 
Get into a comfortable, casual habit of togetherness every day. And save those Pinterest posts and Instagram ideas for a time when you both want to put in the effort to make a big deal out of a big event. 

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

'Tis the season for gratitude. ​

Here's an idea for you - try keeping a little record full of the positive qualities you love, appreciate, and admire about your spouse.

Sound cheesy?

That's because it is.

However, cheesy isn't always bad. In fact, this simple exercise will produce amazing results in the way you feel about and view your spouse.

It may also be a good source of self-evaluation (How are YOU doing as a spouse?).

READ: 3 IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT FORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE

Start with these ten questions. They will help ignite within you a deep gratitude and love for your spouse and help you realize that your spouse really is your EVERYTHING.

How would your spouse answer these questions about you? Perhaps sit down together and answer these questions about each other, then share!

Hopefully you find that this one simple act fills you with deeper love and gratitude for your spouse.

Did it? 

If you started to feel all the feels and to have a flood of happy memories come floating back, it's because gratitude changes people. And it will change you.

You see, the amazing thing about this kind of exercise is that in remembering and focusing on positive things about your spouse you will find that you change, too.

Little things he/she does that bug you may not bug you as much. You will be more patient. More selfless. More thoughtful. 

After writing down your answers to the questions above, take time regularly to read through what you have written. Then, find a way to share those things with your spouse. Acknowledge often (and consistently) the hundreds of good things you see in him or her each day. This acknowledgement can come in many ways - words, notes, gifts, hugs, letters, expressions of affection, etc.. The trick is to be specific about the things you love and admire about your one-and-only.  

Tell him you appreciated that he put his toothbrush back in the cup last night. Tell her when she straightens her hair like that you think she looks drop-dead gorgeous. Thank him for filling the car up for you before your long drive to the airport. Hug him (and kiss him) while you tell him that the lawn looks amazing (or that he looks amazing). You get the picture. Simply let your spouse know how much you appreciate them for who they are and for who they are becoming.

​READ: AT LEAST TOUCH TOES!

So, go get a pen and paper and answer one of these 10 questions now. Then watch as gratitude works its magic in filling your heart with love. 

​Photo Credit: Crooze Photography Aruba

Written by Bryan Striegler

You may also enjoy Respect, Kindness & Appreciation and 40 Two-Player Games to Play With Your Spouse

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Can you believe it, just like that March is almost over. Crrazzy. 

How are you coming at the #onesmallchange challenge? It's true, we haven't asked much of you and perhaps this has been way too easy, but we hope you have felt the power of taking one small step in the right direction. 

Perhaps nothing drastic has changed in your marriage, but that's okay.

That wasn't the point. The point was to encourage you to make just some small effort to do what YOU could to nurture your marriage this month. 

We hope you have learned a thing or two, or even just recognized the need for very realistic goals and expectations that will lead you to the marriage of your dreams. 

See, you already know this, but your marriage is, in large part, what you make of it.

If you start thinking and speaking positively about your marriage, and doing small things to serve your spouse, then you will begin to find joy.

You are right, your spouse may still be aloof or bitter or ornery or hard to live with, but you can only change you, so let's start there. 

Now, get excited because your Week 4 challenge is so "typical marriage advice," and so "are you serious?" and so desperately needed by couples the world over.

​Yes, your #onesmallchallenge has to do with date night. You and your spouse need one together. ASAP. 

WEEK 4 CHALLENGE: YOUR SPOUSE WOULD LOVE A DATE WITH YOU

Here are Nurturing Marriage, we believe that consistent and intentional dating is vital to nurturing a close, happy, and fulfilled marriage.

We know what you are thinking, dating is what happens before you get married. And before you have kids. We get it.

It's true, dating comes with a cost - it takes effort, time, and (of course) a little bit of moola (though there are plenty of great cheap date ideas - check out our Pinterest board).

The cost yields high rewards though - a happier marriage, a deeper friendship with your spouse, and TONS of awesome shared memories, just to name a few. ​

HERE IS A PLAY-BY-PLAY OF HOW TO USE THE PACKET TO PLAN YOUR DATE.

1. Answer the questions on page one. Check out Groupon to think about what kind of date your spouse would love. 

2. Figure out date/time/sitter details before you plan the date. You are right, you could plan your date first if there is a specific event or concert you want to attend. If not, schedule the date in, and then work on the details.

3. Plan your date night! These ideas may help you:

Pinterest - this board, this board, and this board
Groupon - just peruse, you will LOVE the fun and creative ideas available in your area!
40 Fabulous Spring Date Ideas
5 Fresh Date Ideas for Mornings
​100 Winter Date Ideas

4. Make sure food is involved. No one wants to be on a date with a hangry spouse.

5. Ask your spouse out. Here are a few creative ways to do just that.

6. Have a great time. If you have forgotten how to talk to your spouse, you may want to read through these articles:

Date Night Conversation Starters You Have to Try Out
36 Questions that will Help You Fall in Love with Your Spouse Again
5 Ways to Have a Better Conversation

Now, you may be thinking that this was supposed to be one SMALL challenge. It is. One date. Pretty simple. Sure, we are giving you a lot of guidelines that may help make it the best. date. ever. but the challenge is simply to go on a date with your spouse. You can do it!

In all of this, please remember that dating your spouse will rekindle romance, give you an added sense of cohesion, and create memories you will talk about for years! So, commit (or recommit) now to #onesmallchange - and take your spouse on a date!

Happy nurturing!

~ Aaron & April 

To learn more about your Week 4 Challenge, download your FREE packet here and check out these articles below for more inspiration.

First Dates are for Married Couples, Too!
5 Ways to Ask Your Spouse Out
If You Haven't Been on a Date in Awhile
Datebox, Crazy Fun Dates Delivered to Your Door

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

You finished Week 1 - way to go! (And if you missed Week 1, it's not too late to join us!)

How was it? Comment below and tell us, was it hard or easy? Did you forget? Did it seem to make any difference? What did you learn about your spouse? About yourself? 

Like we said before, this challenge is meant to help you commit to doing small things, for just a month, to see if they don't make a big difference towards nurturing your marriage. 

The Week 2 #onesmallchange challenge is all about respect.

That little thing that all marriages need to stay alive. 

Your spouse deserves - and perhaps even craves - your respect. ​

Respect

Respect was something that came naturally when you two were dating, but perhaps has worn off a bit in the years since. 

Perhaps she wants to feel more respected in the bedroom and he wants to feel like she values his opinion. Or maybe she wishes he wouldn't burp every night at dinner, and he wishes she didn't make fun of him all the time. Or maybe she wants him to trust her and he wants her to stop bossing him around. Or perhaps she only dreams of him not criticizing her in public (and in private), and he wishes she showed more appreciation for all that he did around the home.

In each of these scenarios, each spouse wants to feel respected - valued, appreciated, and held in high esteem. 

Definition of Respect

According to Google, respect means to "admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements."

We don't really like that definition.

We would rather say that respect means to admire your spouse simply because of who they are, and because you are married to them, regardless of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. 

Some synonyms Google uses for the word respect include: esteem, regard, high opinion, admiration, reverence, honor, revere, and hold in high regard.

We do like those synonyms. 

Can you imagine how all marriages would be if both spouses held the other in highest admiration, honoring each other in the fullest sense of the word?

You are right, Nurturing Marriage probably wouldn't be needed. 

Week 2 #onesmallchange Challenge 

​No matter what state your marriage is in right now, one thing you can do to make it better is to show respect for your spouse. Your spouse deserves respect. Your respect. 

So, what does respect look like in marriage?

​And how are you going to make #onesmallchange to show respect for your spouse this week? 

In order for respect to grow, you have to do something about it. 

See, you can't control whether or not your spouse respects you, but you can show respect (absolute and total respect) for that good-looking husband or wife of yours. 

You may have caught on to what we are doing here - we are helping you change. We are helping you to see things differently, to see your part in this beautiful-drama-called-marriage, and to see what difference your efforts can make. 

So even if you feel like your spouse doesn't respect you, you can begin this week to show respect for your spouse. It's up to you - but we're here to help you out!

Click below for your Week 2 #onesmallchange packet to learn one thing you can do to show respect for your spouse this week! ​​

Happy nurturing!

​~ Aaron & April 

Your spouse has needs.

​Lots of them.

And magically enough, you can meet a lot (not all) of those needs if you are observant, mindful, intentional, and determined. 

Now, you may immediately be thinking, "Why do I have to think about my spouse's needs? What about me and all of my unmet needs?"

We get it. Really. 

However, this wouldn't be a challenge if it didn't stretch you and help you to grow, so we are going to invite you to try a little harder this month and to commit to four weekly changes that will nurture your marriage. 

For your #onesmallchange Week 1 Challenge we are going to invite you to stop thinking about yourself and to start thinking about your spouse.

That is it. 

We will help you through the process of turning that #onesmallchange into an actionable item that you can be accountable for. 

Sound uncomfortable?

We know.

A little hard?

We know.

Worth the effort?

Absolutely. 

So, how do you meet your spouse's needs? Or perhaps better phrased, how WILL you meet your spouse's needs? 

​...

You tell us. 

Yes, you tell us. 

In fact, who better to tell us than you. You know your spouse better than anyone else. Yes, you are the very best person for this challenge. 

In fact, you probably know three things right now that you COULD be doing that would make your spouse's life easier and help him or her to feel more loved. Are we right?

If nothing comes to mind, we'll help you out!

​​We are here to encourage you to act on things you already know you should be doing to or for your spouse. And to do your part to nurture your marriage without any thought for what your spouse may or may not be doing for you. 

Here is your #onesmallchange Week 1 Challenge (drumroll please!) - 

Ideally you will want to download and print off the PDF worksheet below. If you prefer to just use your device and the Notes app on your phone to keep track of things, that works too. ​

WEEK 1 CHALLENGE: YOUR SPOUSE HAS A NEED YOU CAN MEET

1. Recognize your spouse's top ten needs. On the worksheet provided, write down what you think your spouse's top ten needs are. Ready? Go. You have three minutes to do this part.

2. Now, look at the list of needs on page 2 of your worksheet and re-think things. Try to identify if there are deeper needs you didn't even think about in your first go-around. Look at your list of ten needs and then look back at this list. Put a check next to any needs you think your spouse may have right now - this week (you can check more than ten). We hope this is an enlightening experience for you. 

READ: DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T WANT, TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT!

3. Now, go back through both lists and circle what you think are his/her top three needs. (Ideally you would ask your spouse about his/her needs, but we want this to be a secret, so we're going with your best guess here!)

4. Get specific. Now, write down three specific things you could do to meet each one of those needs this week. 

5. Pick your #onesmallchange. Now, pick one of those things - yes, only one - to be your personal weekly challenge this week. Your #onesmallchange.

Hint - Go ahead and pick the one that seems the most realistic. The easiest to do. We want you to succeed here! 

6. Write down your #onesmallchange on your worksheet. Write down what, when, how, and especially why you are going to do this this #onesmallchange. As you write, think about what may get in the way. Let your WHY be important enough to motivate you to overcome any obstacle that may come your way. 

7. Set a daily reminder. Yes, set a daily reminder in your phone to help you remember your #onesmallchange. You don't want to forget about it! Yes, this month you are going to make your marriage a priority. You've got this! 

8. Do it. Just commit to your #onesmallchange this week. Do it. If you can do it today, then do it! And watch it nurture your marriage in big ways.

9. Report back. We would love for you to report back here in the comment section about what you chose, when you did it, and how it went. We are all in this together and if we report back, we will encourage each other and get new ideas! 

10. Keep it a secret. You may make #onesmallchange and feel like nothing happens as a result of your change. Please don't get discouraged! And please don't make the mistake of making comments to your spouse like, "Didn't you see I did that for you, or said that to you, or helped you with that?" The trick is that you can't tell your spouse what you are doing. Deal?

Check back in next week for your Week 2 Challenge!

READ: 5 WAYS TO GIVE YOUR WIFE THE AFFECTION SHE CRAVES 

See, the point in all of this is for you to take responsibility for what you can do to make your marriage (and yourself) better. We're starting with one area you have control over - how you think about and treat your spouse.

Your #onesmallchange may not make a dramatic difference in your marriage, but it will start to change you. Something within you will begin to change and you will start to view your marriage in a different light. You will feel motivated to work harder, try harder, and continue making changes. And you never know, that #onesmallchange may have a bigger influence on your spouse than you realize. 

Yes, your Week 1 Challenge will help you to stop thinking about yourself and to start thinking about your spouse. And that #onesmallchange will go a long way in helping you to create the marriage of your dreams. 
​
We are over here grinning from ear to ear and cheering you on!

Plus, we are really looking forward to hearing about your #onesmallchange and all of your small successes! 

Happy nurturing!

~ Aaron & April 

​DOWNLOAD YOUR WEEK 1 CHALLENGE HERE

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

One small change. 

Saying, "I love you."  Sending a quick text to check in. Adding his favorite treat to your shopping list before you run errands. A quick kiss to say good-bye. Holding hands in public. Sincerely asking, "How was your day?" Doing the dishes without being asked. A "Hey there, Beautiful," love tap. A longer-than-one-second HUG after a long day.  A wink. Putting down your phone when you are together.  A compliment. The list goes on and on.

What is on your list?

Here at Nurturing Marriage, we believe that the little things really ARE the big things.

That is why we want to invite you to join our #onesmallchange challenge. It's pretty simple. Each Friday we will invite you to make #onesmallchange in your marriage. Just check your inbox every Friday morning for the #onesmallchange article, which will link to a FREE downloadable PDF worksheet that will help you accomplish your #onesmallchange for the week.

One change a week.

That's only four changes this month.

You can totally do this. 

The key is to be intentional and consistent.

#onesmallchange can make a BIG difference when allowed to accumulate as the days, weeks, and months go by.

See, the little things are small, yet thoughtful, acts, gestures, or words - changes - that can nurture your marriage each day.

Just like the analogy of the tree, doing the little things on a consistent basis, will help your roots reach deeper into the soil of respect, love, and loyalty.

These little changes, or acts of intentionality, tell (and show) our spouses, in tangible and real ways, that they are still the #1 person in our lives, our top priority each day, and our one and only true love.

So, please join us in this totally free and totally fun challenge by commenting below with the hashtag #onesmallchange to let us know you are in.

Yes, through little changes you can do your part to create the stuff that happily ever afters are made of. You've got this. 

GO TO THE WEEK 1 CHALLENGE HERE: #ONESMALLCHANGE

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

There they were, a little bent over, wearing sweatpants and walking into Walmart together - holding hands.

White-haired and wrinkled and happy. Happy and happily married, that is. 

We all know these couples. We admire them from afar and wonder what their secrets are. 

And then we realize the truth, their marriages haven't been perfect (a far cry from perfect), but they have learned a few things over the years and they have learned that often the most simple things (here at Nurturing Marriage we call them The Little Things) make the biggest difference. 

Holding hands while we walk through a store together? Don't mind if we do!

So listen up, friends, if you want in on a little happy-marriage-secret, it's this: always hold hands. 

​Yes, it's that simple. 

ALWAYS HOLD HANDS. 

Do it. 

We love holding hands. Love it. 

We remember exactly where we were the first time we held hands, how we felt (pretty giddy), and what holding hands meant for us, for our relationship.

It was something small, a simple expression really, but an expression of gentle caring, affection, and love. 

Holding Hands is Intimate

Holding hands is a non-verbal way to tell your spouse that you care, that you love them, and that the romantic spark in your marriage is still going strong.  

Admit it, holding hands isOH-SO-ROMANTIC.

It's romantic because it's a form of intimacy, people! 

Holding hands CONNECTS you physically and emotionally with your spouse.

Holding hands isn't something you do with other people, it's reserved for just the two of you - which makes it pretty intimate and pretty special. 

Holding hands can say, "I'm here for you," on bad days, it can say, "You look hot," when you are on a date, it can say, "You are still the best choice I've ever made," and it most certainly can say, "He/she is mine. I know, lucky me."

Yes, holding hands is for lovers. 

READ: 7 DATE NIGHTS TO GET YOUR ADRENALINE PUMPING!

Do It

You can make hand holding a priority in your marriage.

​An absolute, really. Something you ALWAYS do - starting today. 

If you haven't held hands for awhile, it may feel awkward for the first second or two, but the magic will work quickly, and you'll soon remember the power of this simple practice.

Now, just like the good old days, who initiates the hand-holding (and how) is a little tricky sometimes.

However, don't let the awkwardness stop you.

​Just reach for your spouse's hand and don't let go. Let him or her know you care enough to take the lead in the hand-holding department. And never-ever-ever be embarrassed to hold hands with your spouse, especially in public or around family, friends, or co-workers! 

READ: THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR SPOUSE

Always Hold Hands

How often do you hold hands with your spouse? 

Now that you are married, it is possible that holding hands has taken a back seat on your list of romantic priorities in marriage.

You can change that. 

Be that couple. The couple who always holds hands.

Hold hands as you walk into your son's baseball game.
Hold hands when you are in the car shop waiting for new tires. 
Hold hands as you enjoy samples at Costco.
Hold hands at the family reunion.
Hold hands at your wife's work dinner. 
Hold hands every single time you go on a date.
Hold hands in bed.
Hold hands at the mall.
Hold hands in the car.
Hold hands in the movie theater.
Hold hands at the dinner table. 
Hold hands when you are at church.
Hold hands when you are walking around the block.
​Hold hands when you are at the Dr's office.

Simple put, always hold hands. 

Hold hands on good days and bad days, through thick and thin, and through all the ups and downs that marriage - AKA life - brings.

So, if you want to do something today to nurture your marriage in big ways, you know what to do - always hold hands! Holding hands will help you rekindle those romantic feelings, help you feel close and connected to your spouse, and send a constant and steady message of love to the person you care about most in life.

And the next time you see a grandma and grandpa walking into Walmart holding hands, commit to be more like them in the here and now, and as the years tick by - the couple who always holds hands.

If you do, happily ever after is coming your way. 

Photo Credit:Top Picture - Jason Corey Photography; Bottom Picture - Caitlin Mahar-Daniels

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Allow me to please share a personal anecdote to perfectly demonstrate a common fallacy about spending “quality time” together.

Just moments ago, I went to begin the first lines of this article, thinking I’d write something flawless about me selflessly choosing to sit next to Pat while he watches a football game or plays XBox as an excellent example of me speaking his love language. Then... I read this excerpt about Gary Chapman’s fourth love language and felt like a complete idiot:

“Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention.”

AKA, I was dead wrong. I kept reading, riveted by my own stupidity:

“A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. A husband who is watching sports on television while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention. If it is genuine quality time, a husband and wife playing tennis together will focus not on the game, but on the fact that they are spending time together,” (emphasis added).

READ: 10 REASONS YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE NEED A ROMANTIC GETAWAY

Does your spouse ever say things like, “You don’t seem to have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too busy or too tired?” This may come as a shock, especially if you’re with your spouse during the day/after work. If this is you, it’s very possible you’re not speaking your spouse’s love language throughout the day!

Example three: I’m a night person. Pat’s more of a morning person. I’d rather stay up late burning the midnight oil, and he’d rather wake up early and get the worm. You can see how our pillowtalk could potentially suffer. Even before we got married, we knew our opposite internal time zones could be an issue, so we decided to always try to go to bed at the same time so we could snuggle and whisper sweet nothings to each other. These past few weeks I’ve made a more valiant effort to start winding down around 10:30pm (so Pat can be alive long enough to have pillow talk for more than thirty seconds before the snoring commences) and waking up with him before 7am (so I’m not an incoherent “Zombie”--as he rightfully calls me). During these relaxed and comfortable moments at the closing and beginning of each day, we talk about what was accomplished, what will be accomplished, and how we can be there for each other. Quality time = starting and ending the day on the same page.

A few more quick ideas for spending quality time with your spouse:

• Immediately reunite after being apart for the day. Make a ritual-greeting out of that sweet moment.
  
  
• Have a weekly (or daily) planning session.
  
  
• Put your phones in a basket and have a romantic dinner (think Lady and the Tramp).
  
  
• Leave your phones at home and go on a short walk.
  
  
• Have a late night CP (cereal party) on the kitchen floor. 
  
  
• Play 20 questions to keep getting to know one another (revisit dating days!).
  
  
• Don’t spend too much time cruising Instagram when you could be spending that time being present with your loved ones.
  
  

I suggest everyone go online now and retake the test. If your spouse’s love language is QT, I recommend a strong dose of grammar to brush up on your pronunciation. If quality time isn’t either of your love languages but it’s been awhile since you took the test...take it. Just try me! During the course of writing this article, I’ve discovered that quality time has fought its way to the very near-top of my love language list.

Now, go to! Let’s make sure the time we spend with our spouses isn’t just plain old ordinary time, but instead quality time - the kind of time that will nurture your marriage.

Source: here

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By Tawny May

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

We're all guilty of it, spending too much time on Facebook (or any other social media app). 

In line at the grocery store? Open up Facebook. Waiting at the Dr's office? Open up Facebook. At home in bed? Open up Facebook.

Whoooaa, wait. 

Why do we spend so much time on Facebook? Especially when the people we love the most are sitting right next to us? 

You know what we mean. Remember last night?

There she was. Your beautiful wife, sitting next to you in bed, scrolling through Facebook. You tried to talk to her, but she just nodded with "uh hums..." as you talked. She started to laugh, and you asked what was so funny but she said you wouldn't understand. You wanted to cuddle up, but she was completely oblivious to you and ended up being on Facebook for over an hour and a half. You finally rolled over and went to sleep. 

Is that a bad thing, though? Is Facebook bad for your marriage? ​

We hear different opinions all the time.

So, what does Nurturing Marriage think? Is Facebook bad for your marriage?

Our answer?

Maybe. 
 
Here are five ways Facebook may be bad for your marriage. 

3) Reconnecting and developing relationships with old "friends" or other members of the opposite sex

Too many people - male and female - are seeking emotional connection, validation, and understanding from "friends," online rather than from their spouse!

If they're feeling unfulfilled in their marriage, they look elsewhere to have their needs met, rather than turning to the one person who matters most - their spouse.

Unfortunately, seemingly innocent chats online can quickly lead to emotional infidelity and fantasizing, and turn into in-person meetings, dates, and more. 

If you find yourself liking, commenting on, messaging, or checking a certain someone's Facebook feed on the regular, please ask yourself this question, "What is my motivation here?" If that motivation has anything to do with physical attraction, emotional involvement, flirting, or getting back at your spouse, etc, then perhaps you should cut ties with that person and put all of that energy into nurturing your marriage. 

The fact is, even if your motives are innocent, the ability to message, like, or play games with someone of the opposite sex, can send a message that may easily be misinterpreted and/or damage the relationship you have with your spouse. Be smart. 

4. Social comparison.

Ah, the demon of social media, comparison and jealousy**.

Admit it, you've looked longingly at the new car Sam just bought for Emily, or the big house Rachel & Landon just bought, or the fact that Melinda encourages and even helps plan fishing trips for Ryan. Lucky them. Lame you.  

Facebook naturally encourages us to compare our lives with others. Oh, they went to Cabo last week? And he bought her flowers?

​You two haven't done any of those things. Your marriage must stink. NOT!

Don't fall for the comparison trap. 

(**Not always. Facebook also offers real-life glimpses into the hardships and challenges that real people currently face, which can inspire you towards acts of kindness and generosity.)

5. Skewed reality.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Snapchat and every other website and social media app out there aren't necessarily bad in and of themselves. However, they do skew our version of reality, of what is actually real and meaningful and important, and of what real life and real "happily ever afters" look like. 

So, just be aware that virtual reality is not ACTUAL reality. Turn off your phone, take your spouse by the hand, dance in the kitchen, and enjoy this moment, in the here and now, your real life, your reality.  

READ: TWO QUICK FIXES TO AVOID SLEEPING ON THE COUCH!

Okay, okay, so we hope you recognize that we aren't here to bash Facebook and say how horrible it is, rather we just wanted to take a minute to offer a simple warning about some of the potential hazards that Facebook poses to your marriage.  

So, how can you use Facebook (or any other social media app) in a good way, that won't hurt your marriage? ​

Here are five suggestions you may want to try.  

1. Have a purpose.

Are you opening your Facebook app to check a message? To sell something? To plan that meet up with the other room mom? To wish your faraway friend an emoji-filled "Happy Birthday"? Great. Have a purpose. Do what you came to do, and then close your app. 

Another good purpose would be to engage with your spouse via Facebook. Send her a message. Write on his wall. Share your appreciation. Find simple ways to intentionally use Facebook as a tool for strengthening and nurturing your marriage.

In the example above about the wife pouring over her Facebook feed in bed, we would suggest to the husband to not roll over and go to sleep, but rather to roll over, send her a Facebook message from his phone that says something like, "Let's kiss," and then roll back over and start kissing her like crazy. Inevitably, she will put her phone down, realize that she was zoned out, and will happily kiss you back.

2. Set boundaries. 

You don't have to completely close yourself off to the online world (though there is nothing necessarily wrong with that) and go "off" Facebook for weeks or months at a time, but it never hurts to take a day off here or there.

Perhaps you decide that one day a week you simply take a break from all social media, a social media fast, per se. Just for a reality check, a break, and a chance to enjoy a little fresh air. 

Or perhaps you find a way to simply replace some of your Facebook time with other, better apps - you know you've been wanting to learn Spanish, or keep up on current events, or read that book. Do it before spending time on Facebook.

Another idea is to simply give yourself a time allotment for Facebook use. 20 minutes a day is probably realistic. Not 20 minutes six times a day. Decide to spend ten minutes over lunch and ten minutes before bed looking through social media. Be smart about your time. There are much better things to spend your time on. 

Finally, another boundary to set would be with whom you "friend" and accept "friend requests," from. Perhaps you decide that you simply aren't going to "friend" that girl you dated for three years in college. Perhaps that is a smart boundary for you. (Or, if you can't stand the thought of not being "friends" with someone, at least choose to "unfollow" them so their posts don't show up in your regular Facebook feed.) 

READ: MARRIED LOVE IS WAY BETTER THAN NEW LOVE

3. Post & share meaningful things. 

If you are going to have social media be a big part of your life (it is 2017), then decide to post and share meaningful things. Things that actually inspire, encourage, and fill you in deeper ways than surface fluff. You know what we're talking about (although we all love those Tasty food videos!). 

4. Don't compare yourself.

Easier said than done, right? We love this article about how gratitude can counteract the negative feelings that come when we spend time on Facebook. Read it. And then be more grateful.

Choose to love your life, imperfect as it is.

Find ways to love yourself, your spouse, your house, and your family - in real life.

Spend time working to develop your skills, talents, and hobbies - in real life.

Continually work at improving yourself and being the best version of you that you can be.

As you work on a better you, you will start to recognize all the good in your life and in the lives of others, and social media comparisons will have less of a negative impact on you and your emotions.   
​
5. Work on connection.

Finally, please work and focus on connection. We feel that connection is the trigger that pulls us all into Facebook and keeps us there. 

So, connect wisely - on and off of Facebook.

Connect with people you want to stay close to, but perhaps can't because of physical distance. For example, Aaron lived in Sydney, Australia, for a couple of years and hasn't seen many of the people whom he considers to be his great friends, for over a decade. Facebook has made it easy to reconnect with them and nurture friendships that would otherwise be lost. 

Connect with your family members that you don't see on a regular basis. Family ties matter most, and we would encourage you to do all you can to keep your relationships with your family members close and tight-knit. 

Connect with your spouse in real life, and make time for date nights, getaways, talk rituals, sex, and flirting. 

Connect with friends in real life, friends who lift you, encourage you, and help you focus where it matters most. 

Connect with those around you in the grocery store, at the Dr's office, and at the airport. Look up. 

Find connection with the people who matter most, and Facebook will take it's rightful place among the priorities of your life.

READ: NINE WAYS YOUR MARRIAGE IS UNKNOWINGLY BEING OVERRUN BY YOUR FRIENDS

So remember, as wonderful as Facebook is, it's not as wonderful as your spouse. Watching out for these dangerous Facebook hazards will help you avoid a lot of contention, heartache, and regret in your marriage, and ensure that Facebook doesn't change your marital status!

Simply put, choose to use Facebook (and other social media apps) in a way that will help you nurture your marriage and your relationships with the people who matter most in your life, and you won't go wrong.

​Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography and Crooze Photography

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We all want to have the "model," marriage (does that even exist?!), and so we find couples we admire to model our own marriages after.

As important as it is to notice the positive things those couples do, it's equally important to recognize what they don't do. Check out this list to see 8 specific things healthy couples don't do.

1. Expect Perfection

Healthy couples with healthy relationships are real. They understand that everyone is a work in progress, and they don't expect perfection from their spouse. Rather than worrying about all their spouse's faults, they focus on improving themselves. Once you've reached perfection yourself, then you can begin to expect a little more and start coaching your spouse...but until then, healthy couples choose to look inward.

2. Criticize

Healthy couples keep criticism to an absolute minimum. Rather, they look on the bright side. This includes criticism about one's spouse, one's self, one's marriage, etc. Of course, healthy couples have honest discussions about where they are at, where they want to be, and how to improve together (done in a very loving way). But, healthy couples don't cross the line and become overly critical with each other. They recognize that criticism can be both constructive and destructive, and they use it to help build their spouse and their marriage rather than to tear it down. 

3. Abuse one another

Abuse, in any of its forms, is simply unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated. Healthy couples treat each other with love and respect, rather than in a demeaning, controlling, or demanding way. Abuse comes in many forms (verbal, emotional, physical, etc.), and it's actually quite easy to fall into abusive habits without even realizing it. Healthy couples guard their marriages against abuse. If your relationship with your spouse has become abusive, we would strongly encourage you to seek out professional help.

4. Spend every waking moment together

Believe it or not, healthy couples actually enjoy time away from each other every now and then. We're not talking about long weekend getaways with the guys or girls (though it could be that), but rather enjoying a few hours of alone time doing something they enjoy. It can be very renewing to have some time to yourself. And typically, you'll come home a more energized and committed spouse. Healthy couples don't let their hobbies take priority over their spouse, but those hobbies certainly exist and can provide a valuable outlet. 

This article was originally published on the Gottman Relationship Blog
Written by Liz Higgins, LMFTA

Want research based tools discovered studying thousands of couples to strengthen your relationship? Join The Gottman Relationship mailing list here and receive the 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last for free.

Photo credit bottom pic: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

We all know a couple or two who seem to have a perfect marriage. Sigh... if only we could all be like them. What are their secrets?! 

How do you know if you have a healthy relationship with your spouse? Here are 8 things we've observed healthy couples do.

1. Date

Healthy couples don't stop dating when they get married. That's right. They keep dating each other. And they make date night a priority. They keep their relationship and friendship alive by continuing to date each other, by continuing to try new things together, and by continuing to share adventures together. And their date nights are full of laughter and kissing selfies, too. 
 
2. Disagree

Believe it or not, couples in very healthy relationships disagree! These couples recognize that their marriage is made up of two different people, from different backgrounds, with different life experiences, who just happen to have different opinions from time to time. They are okay with conflict and recognize it as a natural and normal part of their "happily ever after." These couples have learned to disagree respectfully, to see the other person's point of view, and to compromise in order to find healthy solutions. 

3. Have sex... often

You read right, healthy couples have sex often. They kiss, hug, touch, andflirt on a consistent basis, so that sex is simply a natural and normal pinnacle of connection and intimacy for them. Healthy couplestalk about sex and help each other prioritize it on a regular basis. These couples use physical affection and sex to create, build upon, and nurture feelings of trust, confidence, intimacy, commitment and love in their marriages.  

4. Communicate

Couples in healthy marriages have healthy communication habits. They know what's going on in each other's lives and they make time to talk. They  are really good at talking and really good at listening. They aren't afraid to share their feelings with each other because they know their thoughts and feelings will be respected and kept safe. Oh, and they don't keep secrets from each other.

5. Forgive

Healthy couples forgive each other... a lot, a lot. These couples have the ability to see the best in their spouse, to give their spouse the benefit of the doubt, and to not expect perfection (because they recognize that they, themselves, aren't perfect!). Healthy couples are patient, kind, and quick to say they are sorry. They let little things go and they don't hold grudges. They forgive each other as often as necessary, and move on with a positive perspective about their relationship and about each other. 

6. Be best friends

Couples in healthy relationships are best friends. They want to spend time together. They want to know more about each other. They want to have fun together. These couples stay in touch throughout the day, are sensitive to the emotional needs of each other, and intentionally create opportunities to share time and space together every day. They have learned the power of co-dependence and teamwork. 

7. Offer support

Healthy couples support each other. They are cheerleaders for one another and they give each other wings to fly. If something is important to one spouse, then by default it's important to the other spouse. In healthy relationships, husbands and wives are there for each other through thick and thin. They encourage each other in individual pursuits and interests, and are always there to help each other out and to cheer each other on. 

8. Focus on the good

Finally, couples in healthy marriages focus on the good. They choose to focus on everything that is right in their relationship and to be grateful for what they have, instead of focusing on what they feel their relationship may lack. They see the good in their spouse, offer praise and compliments often, and speak positively about their marriage and each other.

You and your spouse are probably doing most of these things. Way to go. You're doing better than you think. So, take a look at this list (which isn't all-inclusive) and pick one thing you want to work on this week. Little things like listening to your spouse, saying you are sorry, and making time for sex can go a long way towards nurturing your marriage this week. Happy nurturing. ​

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

After a huge response to our 17 Gestures that Make Men Feel Loved, here is the long-awaited list of 17 Gestures that Make Women Feel Loved.

Once again, these ideas are simply that - ideas. Not all of them will work in your marriage, but one of them might. And if you implement just one of these into your marriage this week, nurturing is going to happen, friends. And that is very good news. 

1. Hug her for at least thirty seconds every day.

Affection. It's at the heart of what your wife wants. Really, though. Of course she wants more than that, too, but most of all she wants to feel safe in your arms. She wants to feel cared about. She wants to be touched in gentle ways. So hug her for at least thirty seconds every day. Do it. Every day. 

2. Be thoughtful. 

Your wife is probably a pretty selfless person and she probably does way more for you than you realize. So start paying attention to all that she is doing and tell her, "thank you." Offer to help - to carry something, to open a door, to bring something downstairs that she needs. Pay attention to all she is doing and find ways to help. 

3. Spend time with her.

One of the best ways you can let your wife know you love her is by giving her your most precious commodity - your time. Make it clear that you want to spend time with her, whether that is talking, watching a show, going for a run, or working in the backyard together. She will feel loved when she feels that you genuinely want to be with her. 

4. Listen to her.

Your wife wants to talk to you - about everything under the sun. She wants to have meaningful conversations with you because that helps her to feel emotionally connected to you. If you feel like you don't have anything to say, then read through these 15 Tricks to Help You Learn to Talk to Your Spouse Again, and practice. Give it time, before you know it, you will have plenty to talk about. 

5. Take care of yourself.

Yes, you. Take care of you. Do everything you can to keep yourself in a healthy place - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Be positive and happy. Exercise and eat healthy. And take care of your soul. Your wife finds all of that super attractive. 

6. Remember her birthday. 

And your anniversary. And Valentine's Day. And did we mention, her birthday? Really remember it - and plan something fun. Get that gift she has been wanting. Pick up dinner. Buy flowers. Plan a romantic getaway. You know your wife best and what she would love, whether that is chocolate, jewelry, or a day at the spa. Whatever you choose, do not forget those important dates. When you remember those dates, you show your wife that you remember her and that she is special to you. 

7. Ask her out on dates.

Yep, your wife still wants to date you. And have adventures with you. And kiss you under the full moon. So plan some fun dates (you don't have to break the bank, cheap dates are just as fun!) and go create memories together. If you have forgotten how to ask your wife out, read this article. 

8. Compliment her on her looks.

Tell her she is beautiful. Every day. If you like her hair, tell her. If you like her outfit, tell her. If her eyes are extra sparkly, let her know. Make an effort every day to notice how beautiful she is inside and out, and let her know how much you like that. 

9. Give her a day off.

Ah, that wife of yours. She is something else. She is always going, moving, helping, doing. And she needs a break. So give her a break. Send her out for the day, to do whatever her heart desires (or book a hotel for her so she can sleep her heart out). She deserves a break. And magically, as you take over for a day, you will find a new-found gratitude for her and for all she gets done in one 24-hour period. 

10. Be sensitive. 

Your wife needs you to be sensitive to her needs and stresses. She needs you to pay attention to how she is feeling physically & emotionally. She needs you to be sensitive. She may need your sensitivity in the bedroom, or during a stressful week at work. She may need your sensitivity when she accidentally backs out into the closed garage door, or when that commercial makes her cry, or when she is on her period, or when she is obviously hangry. Just be more sensitive. She will love you for it. 
​
11. Do a project with her.

Next Saturday, ask your wife what project she would like your help with. She will go crazy. Enough said. 

12. Encourage her in one of her hobbies.

Your wife needs time to develop, grow, progress, and find some happy in simple ways outside of her work/family. Perhaps she has shown an interest in painting, or CrossFit, or golf (lucky you). Whatever your wife is interested in, encourage her. Give her wings to fly. As she finds balance and develops herself more, she will be a happier, more fulfilled, more positive person to be around. And that is always a win-win. 

13. Buy a surprise gift for her.

It could be small, like a pack of gum with a mushy love note, or big, like that road-bike she has been eyeing. It could be a salad or sandwich you pick up, or tickets to the symphony. You know your wife best. So, from time to time buy something for her to express your love for her. Super romantic. Just do it. 

14. Go shopping with her.

Your wife may be a big shopper and she may not be. No matter what, offer to go shopping with her. Whether that is grocery shopping, random errand shopping, or fun-things-she-wants shopping. And be happy. Smile while you are shopping. And flirt. And don't even think about the $$$. 

15. Kiss her often.

Like 8 to 10 times a day. Your wife needs to be kissed. And touched. In gentle ways. Touch is a simple key to a happy marriage because it's fun for you and it is fun for your wife. And it leads to an emotional and physical intimacy that is necessary for a healthy and happy marriage. So go kiss your wife, and then see if she doesn't want to kiss you back and then some. 

16. Fold the laundry. 

Or wash the dishes. Or deep-clean the blinds. Or wash the microwave. Or clean her car. There are hundreds of ways you can say "I love you" by doing something small around the home/yard. You two are a team, and when you up your game in the house-cleaning department your wife is going to want to kiss you. Like, really kiss you. Do it. 

17. Respect her.

Your wife is your other half (your better half, really), your best friend, your confidante, and your one true love. So respect her. Be loyal to her. Listen to her opinion. Trust her ideas. Learn from her example. Speak highly of her always - in private and in public. Be kind. Be gentle. Be encouraging. And always, always, always treat her like a lady should be treated.

There you have it, 17 gestures that will help your wife feel loved (here is the men's version if you missed it). Now, this isn't an end-all-be-all list mind you. It's just a few simple ideas that will help your wife feel closer to you. And when your wife feels close to you, good things happen, folks. Good things happen. 

So, go love your wife. ​

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Your husband is a pretty simple creature, right? He has a few basic needs, that if met, produce a pretty happy guy. And that is why you really shouldn't slack off on these basic needs, ladies. You may feel like some of them aren't your job, or are things you don't necessarily care for, but these five things are vital to your husband's happiness, emotional satisfaction, ability to feel loved and level of attachment he feels to you. 

You are doing better than you think at meeting your husband's needs. However, you can do even better. With a simple realization that these five things are what your husband needs in a marriage relationship, you will be better able to serve him and nurture your marriage in the process. See, these are things that can't fall by the wayside without hurting your marriage. Things that good man you married desperately needs from you. Don't brush these things off - work at them! You can become more interested in baseball, you can put on a little make-up when you go out, and you can tell him daily how grateful you are for all he does to take care of you and your own.

The following five needs are taken from Willard F. Harley, Jr.'s book, "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage." We hope these ideas help you nurture your relationship with your husband this week.

When was the last time you initiated things in the love-making department? Well, this week is your chance. It seems so cliche that your husband's top need is sexual fulfillment, but it just is. So get over it. And embrace it - because you are the sexual fulfillment he wants and needs. So, how can you step it up a little? Read this article or this article, and then flirt with your husband a little over dinner. Small things. You take the lead, and he will be thrilled. 

So your husband loves to hunt, or read sci-fi, or watch boxing, or snorkel, or do any number of things that don't interest you at all. It's perfectly alright for him to spend time on his hobbies and interests, or even to do them with guy friends, but your marriage is going to be in a better place if you put in a little effort to be interested in what he is interested in. You never know what new hobbies and interests you may fall in love with! 

I'll never forget a wise elderly woman I met during our summer in San Diego. She gave me some of the best marriage advice ever - she said, "Love what your husband loves. I got into fixing cars and golfing so I could spend more time with my husband, and it was the best choice ever." 

I'm not suggesting giving up your hobbies and interests, but I am suggesting that you choose to be selfless and stay up-to-date on his favorite sport's teams so you can talk about them over dinner. It seems so simple, and maybe a bit fake at first, but with time it will be natural for him to talk with you about all the things he loves, and he will feel and know that you care. These are the things that help your husband feel loved and secure. 

Don't bite my head off here, okay? But women, your husband married you (in part) because he was attracted to you.

Stay attractive. 

Shower. Shave. Smell nice. Put on make-up if that is your thing. Do your hair. Work-out. Eat healthy.

You don't have to look amazing every moment of the day, but make an effort.

I can already hear your excuses for why you shouldn't do a number of these things, or why he should love you just the way you are, but I'm telling you - this is a need your husband has that you can meet. It just takes effort.

Get ready for him.

Do small things to be attractive to your hubby. Just think - you get ready for appointments or girls' nights out, but then never get ready when you are just going to spend an evening at home together.

The one person you should care most about looking good for is your spouse.

​That being said, isn't it awesome that our spouse can see us first thing in the morning, or sick with the flu, and still love us just the way we are? Balance, my friends, balance. 

Your man craves admiration. And recognition. And approval. And appreciation. So, give it to him - all the time. He needs to know you care. That you see all that he does to try to provide for and take care of you. He needs to know he is an amazing husband. He needs to have you recognize all the small things he does for you.

Here are a few ways you could let him know how much you admire him this week. 

Say something like this in front of his friends, "I love watching [insert husband's name here] with children. He is so so so good with our kids, and with any kids. Seriously, kids are obsessed with him. I always wanted a man who was good with kids and I scored big-time in that arena."

Leave him a note on the seat of his car that says, "Thanks for being my man."

Every night express appreciation for his hard work by saying something like, "Thanks for all the long hours you have been putting in. I appreciate you."

Or you could simply wrap your arms around him and tell him he is amazing and that you love everything about him. 

So there you have it, five simple ways to make your husband feel like a million bucks and have his heart tied to you and no one else.

​These are simple acts that happy marriages are made of, because serving your spouse and focusing on meeting their needs is probably the very BEST way to nurture your marriage.

Men, we want to hear from you. What else do you need from your wives? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!

​Read: 5 Ways to Give Your Wife the Affection She Craves

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels 

Written by Amy Miller
This article was originally published here. 

2. “At least touch toes.”

I LOVE THIS MARRIAGE ADVICE FROM HIM.

“I HAVE HEARD SOME PEOPLE SAY ‘DON’T GO TO BED MAD.’ I THINK THAT IS GARBAGE. SOMETIMES YOU’VE GOT TO GO TO BED MAD, BUT AT LEAST TOUCH TOES, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AT LEAST TOUCH TOES.
‘WE WILL DEAL WITH IT LATER. I THINK I AM GOING TO GET SOME SLEEP,’ AND TOUCH TOES.”

When I read this, I was kind of in awe at how much it clicked with me, and the fact that it came from him. Not that Chris Pratt doesn’t have great advice or things to say, because he totally does, but this advice was so on par that I was surprised I hadn’t heard it from top marriage experts before! I guess in their own jargon they have given this kind of advice, though. I just liked the simplicity and relate-ability of it coming from him.

This sentiment is small, only four words long, and something so small to act on! But even though it’s little, it lets your spouse know you’re not going anywhere. That even though you are frustrated with them, you still love them. It also encourages couples to be more conscious of their actions; actions that can hugely reflect the security each spouse feels in their marriage.

READ: 50 WAYS TO SHOW LOVE

WHAT I MEAN BY THIS: Many spouses up and leave the house when they are frustrated from an argument. They want to get some alone time to think and cool down, which is something we all should do when we need to. However, their spouse might perceive it differently, as though their husband/wife is literally walking out on them, not willing to work at it anymore. Maybe that’s not their intention, but it can cause sudden concern, perhaps more concern than the disagreement even calls for originally.

The better way to handle frustrations is similar to Chris Pratt’s advice above - “You know what, I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now. I need some time on my own to cool down, so I’m going to go for a drive for a few hours.” Telling your spouse your plan lets them know that you are frustrated, but you do want to continue working at it. It’s all about communicating your needs in some way, whether it’s verbal or physical — like touching toes! Sometimes spouses need that reassurance, especially when the issues are that rough, ya know?

So if you can remember anything from this blog post, let it be: “At least touch toes.” It doesn’t have to be that exact action, but remembering this phrase can encourage you to do something like that.

Written by Ryan Eggett