New love is flaunted on sit-com's, in popular books and movies, and among the celebrities we read about in magazines. Be careful to not get caught up longing for "new love," when deep and lasting love is sitting right next to you on the couch.

For those who feel like "new love" is flirting with them, we have some news for you: married love is WAY better than new love! Yes, married love is what "happily ever afters," are made of.

New love. We all know what it feels like. Butterflies. Day dreams. A slight obsession with some new person. Feelings that take us back to our high school days.

New love = novelty.

A novelty that is exciting, inviting, and flirtatious.

Another term for new love is limerence. Limerence was defined by Dorothy Tennov as, "An involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” (here)

We see a dangerous pattern everywhere around us.  It goes like this: marriage supposedly gets old, the novelty of our once, "new love," wears off, and we get tired of our spouses. The grass is always greener on the other side. The flirtation of new love invites us to revisit old feelings we once had, to start a new adventure with a new person, to find greater happiness outside of marriage.

READ: TAKE THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES QUIZ! 

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking it can't get any better than "new love."

Those "new love" feelings don't last forever. They were never intended to last forever. That is why it is called, "new love."

Rather, "new love" is intended to MATURE into something much, much BETTER.

Boyd K. Packer, a great religious leader, put it this way,

"Ideally, mating begins with romance. Though customs may vary, it flourishes with all the storybook feelings of excitement and anticipation, even sometimes rejection. There are moonlight and roses, love letters, love songs, poetry, the holding of hands, and other expressions of affection between a young man and a young woman. The world disappears around the couple, and they experience feelings of joy.

And if you suppose that the full-blown rapture of young romantic love is the sum total of the possibilities which spring from the fountains of life, you have not yet lived to see the devotion and the comfort of longtime married love. Married couples are tried by temptation, misunderstandings, financial problems, family crises, and illness, and all the while love grows stronger. Mature love has a bliss not even imagined by newlyweds." (Boyd K. Packer)

New love was meant to lead to deep and lasting love (i.e. MARRIED LOVE). The kind of love that can only be found in marriage - a love that remains loyal through thick and thin. A love that still creates butterflies, day dreams, and an obsession with your one-and-only, but in a deeper and more meaningful way!

​READ: 10 THINGS LOYAL SPOUSES DO

The kind of true love that is found in marriage is a deepening love. A love that grows and is nurtured with time and effort. A love that changes and matures as the days and weeks and years go by.

Deep love = true love.
Deep love = mature love.

This kind of real love brings greater happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment than we probably even comprehend. It is a time-tested, true through-and-through, kind of love. Yes, married love is a deeper, more real, more fulfilling kind of love. It's certainly not boring love. It's the kind of love that fairy tales are made of.

So, if you find yourself watching a romantic comedy, reading a book, or flirting with the desire for "new love," think again.

​New love had its time and place. It brought you and your spouse together. As you grew in your relationship, your love grew. As you got to know each others' thoughts, dreams, fears, strengths, and weaknesses, some of the novelty of "new love" may have worn off, but that certainly doesn't mean the flame has died down. It simply means your love is maturing in meaningful ways. That is how marriage was meant to be. That is the beauty of married love. Truly coming to know another person; sharing yourself, and your life, wholly with another person.

Yes, new love worked it's magic and invited deep, real, and true love to blossom.

So you see, new love is not true love. Married love is. Yes, married love is the stuff "happily ever afters," are made of.

Read 50 Ways to Show Love and 15 Tricks to Help You Learn to Talk to Your Spouse Again to help you nurture your marriage and develop mature love today. 

Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

We know you. You are a good person. A great person, in fact.

However, if we're being completely honest here, you aren't patient as you would like to be. Especially with your spouse. You get a little irritated, annoyed, frustrated, and agitated with him or her from time to time. Okay, daily. And for good reasons (at least, they seem like legit reasons to you).

Seriously, who wouldn't be irritated if their husband always left the gas tank in the car on empty, or if their wife went out to eat four days a week and then tried to hide it. Frustrating, right? Real issues, right? 

Yes, they are real issues, but being impatient is never going to make them get better. Ever.

Listen up, we are going to let you in on a little secret:

If you want a better marriage, you need to be more patient. 

Our new Christian marriage devotional book, Love is Patient, Love is Kind, talks about how we each need to develop Christlike attributes and characteristics if we truly want to have thriving, connected, and happy marriages. Check it out here. 

Yes, marriage requires patience, rather, demands it, in order to thrive. 

Sure, sure, your spouse needs patience too, we get it (really, we do) but he or she isn't reading this article, you are.

And you can only change ​you.

So we'll start with your patience.

Why don't you take a moment and think of your patience level (lately) on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being "practically patient in every way." Where do you fall on that scale? Where would your spouse place you on that scale? ​

See, you are doing better than you thought. Remember last Friday, when you waited and waited and waited for your wife to finish getting ready, and you didn't even say a snarky word? You just told her she looked great (even though inside you were frustrated about being late to your friend's party). High fives all around. Or remember yesterday morning when your husband hit the snooze button literally 7 times and you didn't say anything. You just snuggled up closer to him and told him to stay in bed with you (even though inside you were dying for more sleep and were kind of annoyed at him for waking you up)? Way to go. No, seriously, way to go. 

Before we dive into why patience is so, so, so important in nurturing your marriage, let's take a second and talk about what patience is so that we can better understand why it is so stinking necessary in order to have a well-nurtured, happy, thriving, and realllllly great marriage.

We love definitions, so we snagged the definition of the word "patient," from the Merriam Websters online dictionary. It is a good one. Ready for it?

So, how does that definition translate into real life - for you and your marriage? 

Let's look a little deeper into these definitions, one at a time. 

1. Bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint. 

Patience is being calm during the little trials and the big ones. This is like big-scale patience. And it's so vital for when hard times strike. So, your husband lost his job, or your wife just got diagnosed with a brain tumor?

How you choose to respond to those trials can make or break your relationship with your spouse. Patience means remaining calm and optimistic, and being intentional about not complaining about the situation. Patience means focusing on the good, being encouraging, and remaining positive and hopeful (even if things aren't going to get better immediately). 

2. Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain. 

What marriage doesn't experience provocation and strain, on an almost daily basis? Every spouse seems to know just the right buttons to push to provoke their spouse, right? Patience is not letting little things get to you. It's choosing not to be bugged when your husband doesn't even seem to notice that you cut your hair, or when your wife constantly tells you how to drive when you are in the car together. It's choosing to not roll your eyes every time your wife leaves hair in the shower, or every time your husband does something in a different way than you would like to see done. 

Every marriage experiences strain because of the stresses of life - busy schedules, aging parents, chronic health issues, raising kids and grandkids, and the list goes on. Your life will not be free of strain and stress, but you can choose how you will respond to those things. And choosing patience will always be the right answer, friends. But you already knew that. 

3. Not hasty or impetuous. 

So, you naturally jump to conclusions. Your wife has been late at work every night this week, so naturally she is cheating on you. Or your husband did a double take when he saw that pretty girl in the restaurant last Saturday, so naturally he thinks she is way more beautiful than you. Naturally. Not. Stop it. Just stop it. Be patient. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. See the good in him or her, and stop jumping to conclusions. Trust your spouse.

Patience means that you try and see the good in your spouse, even when you feel like there isn't much to see in the moment. 

We love this quote by author, Lisa Grunwald, which explains perfectly what patience looks like in marriage.

"You have to banish contempt. Contempt is an acid, and it etches ugliness into love. To banish contempt means that when your husband has given in to his least attractive tendencies, his most fearful, or fearsome; when your wife has lost her focus, her patience, or her heart, this is the moment when you must exercise the x-ray vision I’m sure Yeats would have mentioned if he’d known about Superman. This is the moment when you must see through the annoying, demanding, complaining, failing, faltering wreck in front of you—and find the strong, kind, fascinating, functional person you know your spouse wants to be." (here)

4. Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity. 

Your marriage is going to have difficult moments. Really difficult moments. Moments that need - no, demand - your patience.

Opposition will take it's toll on your marriage. Your adversities will look different from ours, but no matter what they are, they will try your marriage and your heart. 

You may have just found out that your husband is addicted to gambling, or that your wife's sister just died and you need to take care of her kids for six to nine months - yes, hard things happen. Super hard things. That doesn't mean you have to give up. 

If you can choose to be patient in the face of great opposition, instead of giving in or giving up, then you can be sure that your marriage will win, and that it will last. 

5. Able or willing to bear. 

Patience - and lots of it - will be necessary as you bear hard things as husband and wife, and work through them, together. 

​You see, perhaps the main reason we need patience in marriage is because a marriage is a living, growing thing. In marriage, you and I, and our spouses, haven't "arrived" yet. We are constantly working at "nurturing" seeds of kindness, love, tenderness, gentleness, respect, admiration, thoughtfulness, and forgiveness as we tend to the tree we are nurturing (Remember this analogy?).

Often, we can't see the fruits of our labors in the moment. Patience often requires us to wait, it requires time to pass, and it requires us to endure.  It may seem like all of your hard work and all of your patience isn't making a difference, but it is. With the value of patience guiding your path, you will find that you can trust that what you are doing is making a difference, and that some day you will reap the reward of all your hard work. 
​
In summary, patience means not giving up on yourself, your spouse, or your marriage just because things are frustrating, annoying, hard, or stressful. Patience requires a bigger view, an ability to see beyond the moment, and the grit to endure with fortitude. 

​Yes, marriage requires the very best of you.

And it requires all the patience you can muster, practice, and develop.

Good news, patience can be developed! Whatever level of patience you currently have, you can become more patient. And that is good news. 

So, what can you do to become a more patient person today and in the coming weeks and months?

Here are 20 ideas that may work for you. 

As you work on becoming a more patient spouse, your marriage will improve. It really will. And your spouse will notice. And perhaps he or she will begin to be more patient with you, as well. 

As you develop more patience in your marriage, you will find that you are happier, more calm, and less stressed. And you will start to develop more hope for how good your marriage can be and how good it is going to get as time marches on. 

You've got this. Day by day, as you work on being more patient, you are going to see big changes in how you feel about yourself and about your spouse. The positive effects patience will have on your marriage are going to be worth any effort, no matter how difficult or annoying or frustrating your spouse is in the moment. It's going to be worth it, so worth it. 

Finally, in all of this talk about patience, please don't forget to be patient with yourself. You won't be perfect all at once. You will slip up and say something rude. You may roll your eyes. Please, be patient with yourself and keep at it. Day by day, over a lifetime, you can become more and more patient - which will lead to more and more peace and calm in your life, in your marriage, and in your home. 

You've got this. We're cheering for you. 

Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

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If I'm being honest, I'm kind of obsessed with them. I love Mondays. I love new months. I love my birthday. And I love each new year. I love new beginnings and the chance for a fresh start. 

That being said, each day really is a new beginning - a fresh start, and a chance to change, progress, and improve. A chance to be a better you. 

The real question is - will you embrace the invitation to change? Or will you settle for what is comfortable, mediocre, and normal?

​The beautiful thing is, you get to choose. 

I don't know what state your marriage is currently in, but I'm here to tell you that 2019 is offering you a fresh start. A chance to nurture your marriage like never before. A chance to change the things you know need to be changed - to look deep inside and really commit to being better. 

I really don't care how bad things are right now, because I know they can get better for you.** Things can improve. You can change. Your spouse can change. Your marriage can change. 

No matter how discouraged you may be about how things played out in 2018, leave the past in the past, don't look back and live in the present while looking forward to the future. Hard to do, I know. 

You can leave behind all the arguments, the lack of connection, the frustrations, the disappointments, the shattered expectations and the petty fights about spending too much. You can leave behind your snarky comments, sarcastic remarks and rude demeanor. 

You can become kind. You can become thoughtful. You can become patient. You can become well mannered. You can become selfless. You can become a better spouse. It's possible. And seeking to be a better spouse is probably one of the best ways you can live in the present, while preparing for a better future.

Now, change doesn't happen overnight. We all know that. And we all know that New Year's Resolutions usually die after the first two weeks of January, but not if you are SMART about your goals. I mean goal. My recommendation to you would be to set ONE GOAL - yes, one little goal - in the marriage department this year.

So, will you join me? Will you join the one little goal club?

You rock. I knew you would join me. Too hard to turn down, right? 

Shake my hand. Way to be. 

I'm sure you have heard of SMART goals, but here is my version for our one little goal club:

S - Start. Just start where you are.

M - Make an effort. More effort than you have ever made before on your marriage. Little efforts over time add up to a lot of progress as the days go by.

A - Act. Act on your goal and follow through. Like, now. Today. Right this second. Do it. Don't let a day go by when you don't act on your goal. The success of your goal really is in your hands. 

R - Remember your goal every day. Set reminders on your phone. Create a physical reminder (maybe your wedding ring, or post-it notes, or a note you can leave on your mirror - something you can see daily) to help you remember your goal every day of 2019, not just the first two weeks of January.

T - Things take time. Change takes time. The rewards of your goal will come, but all according to the law of the harvest. So keep at it, and soon enough you will reap the rewards of your goal. Guaranteed by December 31st of 2019 you will be looking back in amazement at how "one little goal," changed you and your marriage for the better. ​

So, here is my invitation to you: Join my one little goal club and CHOOSE TO BE A BETTER YOU, AND THEREFORE A BETTER SPOUSE, IN 2019. 
​
If you do join my little club, I can promise you that you will find a greater measure of happiness, fulfillment, purpose, and connection in your marriage this year. You will learn how beautiful marriage can be when it is nurtured, taken care of, and focused on. You've got this. 

2019 is going to be amazing. I can just feel it. Go after your little goal. You've got this. 

**If you are in an abusive relationship you should seek professional and/or ecclesiastical help, and ignore that statement. Best to you.

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography

Your wife loves you. A lot. You do a lot for her and for your family, and she is grateful for that. She is grateful for you.

You are doing a really good job as a husband. A reallllly great job. 

Your wife wants you to know a few specific things she appreciates about you, things you are doing a remarkable job at (kudos). These things you are doing are making a bigger difference than you realize, and are nurturing your marriage in real and beautiful ways.

1. Your wife appreciates your optimism in the little interactions.

You are busy people. Your wife has been stressed lately due to her work as a night-shift nurse, the quilt she is making for your nephew who is graduating, and the dog's potty problem that's been going on for awhile. Amidst all this, there you are, consistently smiling, being grateful, and being happy.

You have a lot on your plate too, but you don't take your stress out on your wife. You are never short-tempered and you never get on her case for things she is forgetting to get done. No, no you. You simply step in, step up, and go above and beyond. You may not realize it, but your encouraging texts, your sincere "How are you?" question over the phone, and your optimism when you two are reunited for the day keeps your wife going. She loves you for that.

Please know that your cheery and optimistic interactions day-in and day-out breath energy and life into your marriage. Your wife is forever grateful for that. 

2. Your wife appreciates your gentle expressions of affection.

The other day, when you two were sitting side-by-side in bed, responding to work emails, you reached out and just gently put your hand on her back. And you kept it there. It was a simple thing, really, but your wife loved it. It told her, "I'm here for you. I love you. I notice you."

Or remember last week, when you were out washing the car, and she came outside to ask you a question. You didn't brush her off and quickly answer the question. Nope, not you. Instead, you gave her a little attention and did what you do best - you flirted with her.

You told her you wouldn't answer the question unless she kissed you on the cheek. She rolled her eyes, but willingly obliged. Then you grabbed her face with your wet hands, kissed her back, and laughed out loud. She laughed too, and inside, she was feeling grateful. So, so grateful. And in love. 

The same thing happened last month when you two were at the Dr's office, waiting for her appointment about some feminine problem she was experiencing. You reached over, took her hand, set it on your knee, and just held it there. You squeezed it gently, letting that sweet wife of yours know that you would always be there by her side. She needed that more than you know.

So, thanks.

3. Your wife appreciates your ability to let the little things go.

Remember when she accidentally backed into the mailbox last year? Remember how she called you, crying, and you simply told her everything would be okay and that it wasn't a big deal? She has never loved you more. 

She recognizes that she isn't perfect, and that she has some habits and weaknesses that aren't "pretty." Yet, you seem to not notice them, or at least you never point them out. You are consistently patient with the things she struggles with, and you never make her feel bad about the areas she doesn't feel "good enough" in. 

She wants you to know that she really appreciates the fact that you always forgive her so quickly and then seem to "forget," each incident like it never happened. For example, remember when she got mad at you that one night for not helping enough with the new baby, and how she said that "really mean" thing to you that she immediately regretted and still regrets, even after apologizing profusely? How did you respond? You told her you loved her, forgave her, and that you would try and help more. Ever the humble one. The next morning you had moved on and didn't mention it or hold it against her - ever. 

She is grateful for your forgiveness, your patience, and your steady and loyal love through the years. Yes, she really does appreciate you and the incredible husband you are. 

4. Your wife appreciates that you are continually working on improving yourself. 

Your wife wants you to know that you are incredible, that you matter, and that taking time for yourself isn't selfish. She wants you to feel your best - emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. She wants you to have hobbies, interests, and opportunities to progress, grow, and do things that bring you happiness and meaning.

She loves that you don't waste time, and that your priorities are on the things that matter most. There is nothing that makes her feel more in love with you, than when she sees you get up early to go on a morning run, practice your tuba to try and "get your skills back," read a book just because you are curious about learning, or check something off your list of monthly goals that is taped to the wall. 

She is thrilled every time you come in the door and tell her what your next big plan is. She literally smiles to herself every Saturday morning in the summer when you go "burn off steam" fishing for a few hours (plus, she loves a little extra sleep). 

You are a full-steam ahead, conquer the world kind of man, and she loves it. As you work on improving yourself, you are becoming a better husband, and you are encouraging her to develop herself as well. She loves you for that and is grateful you are ever working to become the very best version of yourself that you can be.

5. Your wife appreciates that you invest time and money into experiences.

Remember how you planned that camping trip last spring, to the lake? And how you all got eaten alive by mosquitos? She loves you for that, for creating happy memories and experiences that you and your family will never forget.

Your wife loves your sense of adventure and your ability to wisely spend money on experiences that help you two grow closer together and to your family. 

As she watched you design, plan, buy materials, and build the treehouse for the kids last fall, she fell in love with you all over again. 

You never seem to complain when the "flowers" on Valentine's Day cost a fortune, or when that dinner date was a bit pricier than you were expecting. You smile, make a comment about how your marriage is worth more than all the money in the world, and wisely find a better place for dinner next time around. 

She notices. 

She notices when you turn off the big game without complaining because her high-school friend is in town and you have "couple" plans. She notices when you come home from work early because the weather is amazing and you want to take her to play tennis.  She notices when you work extra long hours in order to sneak away for a  Friday day trip to the beach with her. Or when you go without something you need in order to secretly save up and take her to that play she has been wanting to see. 

You somehow choose to spend almost all of your extra time and money on her and your family, and your wife loves you for it.

​Impressive.

6. Your wife appreciates your sense of humor.

Yes, you. You make your wife laugh every single day. And it seems that you do it without effort. She loves you for that. 

Remember how you stole her phone, and left a really funny voicemail message in a British accent for her friends to hear when she can't get to her phone? Yup. Or that one time when you put a rubber band on the sink handle? Or that other time when the neighbor shared something awkward and you said just the right thing to break the post-awkward silence? 

Your wife appreciates your sense of humor. She loves how easily you laugh at things that most men get frustrated about. She loves your funny faces, how you always find her after you eat onions (so you can kiss her), and how you leave her sticky notes to scare her that say things like "Don't turn on this oven" or "Whatever you do, don't turn on the windshield wipers." 

She loves your sense of humor, even if she doesn't readily admit it. It's a gift to your marriage. Yes, your ability to laugh through life is nurturing your marriage in bigger ways than you currently realize. 

7. Your wife appreciates your emotional intelligence.

Your wife wants you to know that she is the luckiest. Your ability to discern her moods and emotions and to show empathy, love, and patience for her feelings is one of the greatest gifts you have given her.

Remember last week how you two were talking over dinner about random things, and then she asked you what the best part of your day was. You wanted to say, "It was lunch." Or "Coming home," but you knew she was really asking you to open up and share your feelings with her - to tell her what you thought about during the day, and what stressed you out, and what made you happy.

So you shared.

It wasn't easy, but you did it. She appreciates the fact that you want to be close to her emotionally, and to share your thoughts, feelings, hopes, desires, and stresses with her. 

Your daily effort to figure out what is inside of her head and heart, and then to share what is inside of yours, is making a difference in your beautiful marriage. 

Yes, your wife wants you to know that you are doing a great job. You seem to be aware of her needs and of how to meet those needs, especially the emotional ones. She loves you more and more as she feels deeply connected to you, encouraged by you, and loved by you. You have a remarkable ability to help her feel secure, safe, and taken care of.

So, thank you. Thank you for being such a phenomenal husband to your wife. Thank you for your selflessness, your thoughtfulness, and your humility. Your wife loves you, adores you, and appreciates you more than you realize.

You are incredible.

You are doing a fabulous job as a husband. And little do you realize that your intentional efforts to nurture your marriage and love your wife are making your home, community, and world a better place, too. #fistbump

Read -

Building a Better Marriage
Foreplay Isn't Always What You Think
9 Questions that will Invite More Peace into Your Marriage
What is Your Listening Style?
​What to do When Your Wife Cries, 101
​
​Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

You may also enjoy The "Golden Rule" for New Parents to Keep the Romance Alive and 5 Ways to be a More Confident Spouse

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

Finances
​
One big point of contention in many marriages is how you handle finances as a couple. But it doesn’t have to be a sore spot! Simply look at your finances with the reminder that you’re making money choices for two married people together (and children, if you have them) instead of for two separate single people. 

A great way to make your finances part of your married life is to keep a budget together. One person may be the main budget operator and updater, but both spouses should always have access to the budget and a mutual understanding of its implications. Again, a daily or weekly check-in time is a great way to stay on the same page of this important aspect of your married life. Talk together about your current needs (including expenses such as mortgage or rent payments, utility bills, insurance payments, weekly grocery expenses, and so forth), your current wants (fun spending money for date nights or other activities, other expenses for hobbies and interests, and so forth), and your future goals. 

Once you have a plan that you’ve put together as a couple, stick to it. If you find yourself wanting to buy something, especially something that will be a benefit more for you than for your family (a new set of golf clubs, a cute scarf, the next season of your favorite show streaming online), consult your spouse first to make sure that you have room in the budget and that you’re both OK with spending that amount. The things you spend on don’t have to be boring, but they do need to be mutually agreed upon and understood. ​

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Let's face it. You are full of good intentions. 

Really, you are. 
You want to nurture your marriage.
You want to be a better person for your spouse.
You want to change, improve, progress, and be better, am I right?

...but then life happens.

Sometimes you let life happen to you instead of choosing to take the reins and decide who and what you'll be and what kind of effort you are willing to put into that beautiful marriage of yours. ​

Take a minute and think about what choices you made to intentionally nurture your marriage this past week.

We know, it's sometimes kind of painful to go back and review, but you are doing better than you think, and you can get even better at this whole "nurturing" thing! We're confident of that. 

We are marriage coaches, and we often succumb to the hurry of life and let life happen to us and our marriage, instead of choosing what we want our marriage to look like, feel like, and become like. 

Renowned marriage expert, John Gottman, found that the secret to a happy marriage is by doing the small things - on the daily - to show your spouse that YOU CARE about them. 

READ: 50 WAYS TO SHOW LOVE

One thing that may help you at least begin to think about your desire to nurture your marriage is to create some reminders for yourself. Sort of like a marriage to-do list, or to-be list. 

YUP.

Simple reminders. 

Remembering is a powerful thing.

Here are a few different kinds of reminders that may help you remember how much you want to nurture your marriage this week.

Visual Reminders

Recently I put up a powerful quote on our bedroom wall about successful relationships. Having a visual reminder daily - something you look at without even thinking about it - can be just the nudge you need to keep your marriage at the forefront of your mind.

I was using my friend's phone the other day and saw that her wallpaper was a picture of her spouse. I loved that visual reminder she gave herself multiple times a day to remember her spouse and how much she loved him.

Sticky notes can also be visual reminders of things you want to do to improve, or to express love and support to your spouse throughout the day/week. ​

Phone Reminders

You may want to set daily, weekly, or monthly reminders on your phone to help you get your nurturing game on.

Reminders that may work for you may include the following:

Questions of Evaluation

- What is something I can do for Ryan to help him feel loved?
- What does Erin really need from me today? DO IT!
- How can I show Phil that I'm trying to support him in his new job?
- What effort am I going to put into my marriage today?

Task-Oriented Reminders

- Call Shelly during lunch - ask her how she is doing and listen. 
- Initiate sex tonight. 
- Be patient. 
- Get home on time!
- Rub his back for 5 minutes. 
- Plan anniversary date night. 
- Mark loves spearmint gum, specifically the Orbit brand!
- Lunch with Kathy Thursday!
- Check the sink and if there are dishes, do them!
- Kiss Mike when he gets home. 

Or perhaps your reminders are for things you know you need to work on in order to be a better person, and a better spouse:

Self-Improvement Reminders 

- No Taco Bell this week!
- Watch your words - no nagging!
- Look up from your phone! 
- Read for 10 minutes. 
- Don't bring it up (You know what "it" is!).
- Ask him how he is doing and listen. 
- Drink your water! 
- Remember your three goals (You will know what they are and maybe you need a more vague reminder!).
​- SHOW UP!

Now, reminders won't solve all of your problems or even help you go from good intentions to actions and habits, but they will help you get these goals on your mind.

And that,  friends, is a very good start.

You've got to start somewhere. 

Just start with deciding what you want to do to nurture your marriage, and then remind yourself to do it.

We could talk about the doing, tracking, and rewarding part of behavior too, but for today - let's just work on putting some reminders in place to help us move closer to the goals we have for a healthy, happy, thriving relationship with our spouses. Deal? 

Oh, and finally, in all of this remembering, try often to remind yourself of the promises you made so long ago!
​

• Please wear your wedding ring.
• Please keep a picture from your wedding day in your home.
• Please think often of the vows you made, and re-commit to keep those promises to yourself and to your spouse.

Good things are headed your way.

Small and simple things daily, friends, and happily & healthily ever after is yours. 

xoxo,
​A&A

You may also enjoy How to Fall in Love Again and The Grass is Greener Where You Water It

Written by Aaron & April Jacob
This article was originally published on the Gottman Relationship Blog

For Emma, it all started when she finally got on Facebook. Her kids had been asking her to set up an account for years, but she was more reserved and didn’t feel like she would have many friends to connect with online. When she joined, she added her extended family, neighbors, and a few friends from her local mom’s club—but that was it.
​
After a few months, she reconnected with most of her old high school friends, including her old boyfriend Bob.

She hadn’t seen or heard from him in many years and found herself excited to accept his friend request.

Once connected, Emma spent hours pouring over the pictures of Bob and his family. She thought to herself, What a handsome guy he still is. Her husband, Rich, on the other hand, had let himself go. So when she saw pictures of Bob and all the good things he was accomplishing, she was a bit envious.

READ: ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

As she found herself thinking about Bob more and more, she started noticing things about her husband she disliked.

One day, Emma saw that it was Bob’s birthday, so she decided to write him a little celebratory note on his wall. She offered a few kind words and that was that.

Little did she know that short post would prompt Bob to send her a private message in response:
“Emma, thanks for your birthday message. You don’t look a day over 20. Remember that hayride we took together, back when we were youngins? ;)”

Emma was flustered. She remembered that hayride well. It had been 29 years since she and Bob dated, but the feelings came back like it was yesterday. She found herself on Cloud 9—totally twitterpated over her memories of young love.

She decided to wait a day or two to message Bob back because she didn’t want to sound overly eager. She kept her response short and simply shared an update on her life and her family.

Bob messaged her back.

And so it began.

She liked his picture.

He loved her post.

Messaging went from a daily occurrence to an all-day event.

They shared about their families, their kids, their jobs, and the challenge of taking care of aging parents. As the days and weeks progressed, their Facebook messages became more intimate. They became better friends. They knew a lot about each other.

And eventually, for both of them, love—or what they thought was love—rekindled.

READ: HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR
​
They became more open with each other about the hard marriages they were both “stuck” in and about their growing feelings for each other. Neither brought up the idea of meeting up or getting back together again. They weren’t there yet.

However, they were ready to agree that they had somehow fallen in love again—2,000 miles apart—all via Facebook Messenger.

They hadn’t seen each other in person. They had never talked on the phone, texted, or emailed. And yet, there they were: madly in love.

That is until one day when Emma left her Facebook account open and her husband, Rich, saw a message from Bob pop up.

Rich wasn’t trying to be snoopy, but he clicked on the message and there it was: six months of daily messages between Bob and Emma.

Rich read through the messages and felt shocked, stunned, and hurt by the things Emma said about him. Had he really become lazy, fat, and mean? He cried as he read through the messages, and realized: 1) how in love Emma was with Bob, and 2) how lonely Emma was in their marriage.
And then Emma walked in.

Rich, with tears in his eyes, looked up from the computer and asked, “Emma, why?”

Recovering from the emotional affair

Instead of letting this emotional affair destroy their marriage, Emma and Rich decided that they wanted to work on their relationship. They wanted things to change, and they were hopeful that things could improve with the right knowledge and resources.
​
To heal from the wounds of this emotional affair, revive their dying marriage, and protect against the danger of future affairs, Emma and Rich did three things:

First, Emma cut ties with Bob and unfriended him on Facebook. That was a boundary she needed to set.

Second, Emma and Rich worked on meeting each other’s needs. They bought Dr. Gottman’s Small Things Often booklet and read it together. After reading the booklet, both Emma and Rich began to implement small things into their marriage to help them feel connected.

After reading the booklet, Rich came up with a brilliant idea: to win Emma back through Facebook Messenger.

And it worked!

Messaging each other via Facebook became a daily ritual for Rich and Emma.

READ: AN AFFAIR DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN THE END

Connecting in this way helped meet Emma’s deep need for more frequent communication and affectionate words. And as they messaged each other back and forth, they rebuilt their Love Maps and felt more connected than ever before. That deep sense of emotional connection led to satisfying and meaningful sex, as well.

The booklet also inspired Emma to be more intentional about how she and Rich parted for the day and how they reunited after being apart. She came up with genuine compliments to give him about his appearance (since he was often insecure about his weight), and she would always make sure to give him a long, welcoming kiss. It was small, but it made Rich feel like a million bucks.

Finally, following Dr. John & Julie Gottman’s 5 Tips, Rich and Emma implemented a ritual of romantic getaways. Together, they planned and scheduled two romantic getaways for that very year. This simple ritual helped them strengthen their friendship, share dreams and plans, and invite novelty back into their relationship.

How the story ends

Along with nurturing their marriage, Rich and Emma set other boundaries to protect against future affairs and to re-build trust in their relationship.

It took time, but Rich came to completely forgive Emma, and Emma regained his trust by honoring the boundaries they set together and seeking to meet Rich’s needs.

Connection was something that had been missing in their relationship for a very long time. After many months of healing, their relationship was getting better. They felt more intimate on all levels—emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and recreationally.
They felt connected again.

Armed with this refortified bond, Emma and Rich committed to continue intentionally working together to create the type of marriage they wanted and knew could be theirs.

Has your relationship experienced a sexual or an emotional affair? The Gottman Institute is currently seeking couples for an international study on affair recovery. For more information, click here.

Want to improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less? Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up for The Marriage Minute here.

Read:
How to Create Bedtime Rituals that Will Nurture Your Marriage
Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz
​An Interview with Tammy Greene
​Your Spouse Would Love a Date With You
​If You Haven't Been on a Date in Awhile

You may also enjoy Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Flirting in Marriage and 5 Ways to Be a More Confident Spouse

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

Photo Credit: Bryan Streigler Photography

You may also enjoy Dear Husband, I Never Thanked You and 5 Ways to Show Gratitude for Your Spouse This Thanksgiving

Even in the heat of conflict, they consider the other’s perspective. They are able to empathize with each other, even when they don’t agree, and they are there for each other during times of illness or stress.

They understand that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. As Neil Barringham says, “The grass is greener where you water it.”

Building trust

Trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

One single moment is not that important, but if you’re consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually and very slowly.

When this happens, the story of your relationship begins to turn negative. You begin to focus on your partner’s flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value.

Eventually you start making what researcher Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons.” You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, “I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing them, and building resentment rather than gratitude.
​
Behavioral economist Dan Ariely explains this phenomenon in dating.

​​Building trust and commitment requires intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship.

Turn Towards Bids for Connection

Bids are the building blocks of lasting love. In one study of newlywed couples in Dr. Gottman’s lab, couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time, whereas couples that eventually divorced only did it 33% of the time. That’s a big difference.

When bids fail, as they inevitably do in all relationships, seek to repair. Remember that repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.

Flip Your Internal Script

Negative thoughts cause you to miss 50% of your partner’s bids, according to research by Robinson and Price. This makes it difficult to build trust.

Learn to separate specific relationship problems from the overall view of your partner. Make an intentional effort to replace negative thoughts with compassion and empathy.
​
Ritualize Cherishing

The best way to keep yourself from making “negative comparisons” is to actively cherish your partner. Get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts about each other rather than thoughts about someone else.

Think about the things you appreciate about your partner and tell them. Thanks for being so adventurous with me. You’re such an amazing cook. You’re such a great dad.

Learn to Fight Smarter

Happy couples complain without blame by talking about what they feel and what they need, not what they don’t need. They are gentle and they give their partner a recipe to be successful with them.

Schedule a weekly State of the Union meeting to discuss areas of concern in your relationship.

Create We Time

It’s easy to find excuses for not dedicating time for your relationship. We’re too busy. We work a lot. We’re always with the kids.

Find time go on dates, ask each other open-ended questions, and continue to create rituals of connection that allow you to connect emotionally. It’s the best investment you’ll ever make.
We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Choose each other, day after day. 

​~
​
Want to improve your marriage 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up for The Marriage Minute here.

Photo Credit: Top Photo - Jason Corey Photography; Bottom Photo - Bryan Striegler Photo

You may also enjoy Can Watching 5 Movies Help Your Marriage and 25 Ways to Give Your Spouse the Time of Day

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

4. What do you want to do?

​This question helps with planning dates, planning dinner, or even with the more difficult discussions like what to do about a bill or a major event. Ask your spouse their opinion and really listen.

​It’s easier to reach a compromise when both sides have been explained.
 
5. When do you need that done?

If your spouse asks you to do something, you might want to wrap up whatever you’re doing first. But sometimes your spouse’s request is time-sensitive. Ask (kindly!) what your spouse’s timeline is so that you can both accomplish what you need to when you need to.

You can even simply say, for example, “I was hoping to finish sending this last email. Could I help you start dinner in just five minutes? Or would it be more helpful for me to do that right now?” And then be willing to put down what you’re doing if your spouse really does need help getting something done right that minute.
 
6. Could you please help me?

It’s easy to stress about something and then blow up when your spouse wants you to do something else. Why not ask for help instead? If you are focused on finishing the laundry before you run out the door to pick up the kids from soccer practice, ask for help folding. It’ll go faster, and you will both be less stressed. Or if you’re trying to sort out a problem at work that just came up after-hours maybe ask your spouse if they can help you talk it out.

Remember, your spouse can’t help if they don’t know what’s causing you stress.  

READ: 5 THINGS GREAT LISTENERS DO

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

You may also enjoy First Dates are for Married People, Too! and 100 Summer Date Ideas You Will Love

Written by Tawny May

Since when did I say no to a spontaneous movie night with my lover? And who was this person nixing an adventure to the land down under?! Wasn’t I chill and “down for whatever”?

​As I was begrudgingly folding his socks, I realized that I wasn’t that girl anymore; I wasn’t acting like the gal my husband fell in love with. But I want to and I will be her again. I need to loosen up, find the chill. I need to say YES more! I want to listen better. I want to focus on what he needs. I want to have alllllllllll the fun with him and not just worry about the mundane tasks of life!

READ: 5 WAYS TO ASK YOUR SPOUSE OUT

I know I’m not alone in this. It is so easy to get into life’s routines, work, and responsibility, that we end up unintentionally neglecting our partner, our relationship, our marriage. But it’s okay--we can course correct if we’re intentional about it. Think back to when you were falling in love--what qualities did your partner like about you? Are you still exhibiting that behavior? Could you do anything to be more like you were then**?

Nurturing one’s marriages is a journey; it requires relentless effort day in and day out. So if you’re like every ordinary old couple needing a little more ZING in your marriage, think back to those dating days. Because hey, going back to the beginning is a good place to start. :)

Go ahead, re-embody the good of who you used to be. Remind your lover why you fell in love by being more of the person who he/she fell in love with.

**Disclaimer: Some of our actions or qualities from dating-times should stay in the past. I’m referring to the remarkable attributes or tendencies we admired in each other back in the dating/courting days that may be hiding dormant somewhere (maybe under all that laundry?).

​Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Love. It's a beautiful thing. It grows with time, effort, kindness, thoughtfulness, and occasionally some sticking-it-out-through-thick-and-thin.

So, what does love look like? Well, a lot of things.

Here is a list of how love might look in your marriage.

In short, love looks like life - ups and downs included. It's sharing life and growing together with that special someone. That someone who cares about you, forgives you, serves you, and totally gets you, even when others don't. Someone who won't leave you when the going gets tough. Someone who will hold your hand through thick and thin. Someone who will be there, rain or shine, because sometimes you really only have each other.

Yes, love is a pretty beautiful thing. Keep nurturing love. Keep nurturing your marriage.

What does love look like to you? Comment below! 

Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography

Does your wife always buy you little gifts at the store to express her love for you, when you would rather have a back rub from her? Does your husband always buy you flowers for Valentine's Day when you would rather go on a romantic date with him? 

The 5 Love Languages might not work magic for everybody, but it sure helps if you can start loving your spouse in the way they want/need to be loved and not in the way you prefer to receive love. It's natural to want to give love in the way you would like to be loved, but it just doesn't work like that. You might love gifts, and so you get gifts for your spouse, but they might need physical touch and not care at all about gifts. 

Physical touch, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and receiving gifts. You have probably heard of Dr. Gary Chapman's five love languages before, right? If you haven't, now you have. Do you know what your love language is? How about your spouse's? ​

If you want to learn more about meeting your spouse's deep emotional needs and learn how to have a connected, happy, and rewarding marriage, check out our new book Love is Patient, Love is Kind: A Christian Marriage Devotional. 

Once upon a time Dr. Stephen R. Covey told a story about about a man he met at a seminar. It's a fascinating story and suggests something bold and beautiful about marriage that we think you're going to like. 

READ: 4 WAYS YOU CAN USE GROUPON TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Listen up,

"At one seminar, after I'd spoken on the importance of demonstrating character within the family, a man came up and said, 'I like what you're saying, but my wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other that we used to. I guess we don't love each other anymore. What can I do?

"'Love her,' I replied.

"He looked puzzled. 'How do you love when you don't feel love?'

"'My friend,' I responded, 'love is a verb. The feeling of love is the fruit of love. So love your wife. You did it once, you can do it again. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. It's your choice. Are you willing to do that?'
​
"Of course, I was asking the man if he was willing to search within himself for the character required to make his marriage work. All our relationships follow the contours of life; they have ups and downs. This is why our families provide a critical measure of our character - and the opportunity, again and again to nurture it." (Story found in the book "Love is a Choice," by Lynn G. Robbins, originally from "Why Character Counts," Reader's Digest, Jan. 1999, 135.)

2. Empathize

Okay, that's a big word. What does that mean and what does it look like in marriage? 

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines "empathy" as,

"The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner..." (here)

So, what does that mean for your marriage? And how will that help you love your spouse more? 

It means that you need to choose to understand and connect with your spouse on a deeper level. To put yourself in his or her shoes and to be extremely sensitive to what he or she may be feeling or experiencing at any given time of day.

Choosing to show empathy for your spouse, even when you may not feel love for them, will naturally nurture love. It will do this because you will start to focus more on the needs of your spouse and on how you can serve him or her and less on the needs of yourself. 

For example, say your husband just received a phone call that his mother passed away. He needs your empathy. He needs you to be there by his side, not just in this moment, but in the coming days and weeks - in the middle of the night when he bawls like a baby who misses his mother. He needs you to be sensitive enough to know when to talk and when not to talk, when to hug him and when to give him a little space, when to bring up a happy memory, and when to offer to distract him by going out to lunch. 

As you learn to show empathy for your spouse, the two of you will connect in a beautiful and awfully romantic way. You'll realize that you are best friends, that you are committed to being there for each other through thick and thin, and that the best of life and the worst of life is yours to be shared together. 

As you empathize, love will grow. 

READ: 8 THINGS HEALTHY COUPLES DON'T DO

​3. Appreciate

Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that expressing gratitude will make you happier? ...It's true.

Expressing gratitude to your spouse will not only make their day, but it will make you happier (all while nurturing your marriage in the process). Check out this video clip to learn more about the science of happiness.

Marriage really is a two-way street of sacrifice; and daily appreciation for those sacrifices will keep both you and your spouse motivated and energized. 

Believe it or not, your spouse craves appreciation from you more than from anyone else. Yes, this is even true for men. They want to feel like you need them, you care about them, and you are grateful for them. And not just grateful for what they do for you, but that you are grateful for who they are and how they lift and bless you and everyone around them.

So say thank you. And mean it.

Even if you don't feel that there is much about your spouse to be grateful for, find something. Be grateful for clean socks, for empty garbages, for food in the fridge, for working hard, for gas in the car, for laughing at you (or with you), for putting up with you during PMS, and for not getting mad when you bought that man toy you had been wanting, just because.

Just be more grateful. 

If you need more practical ideas, here are 5 simple ways you can express appreciation for your spouse this week. 

​One of the magical things about gratitude and appreciation is that it promotes and invites service - from both husband and wife. That service leads to even greater love, affection, commitment, and joy. It's a continuous cycle that feeds on itself - to the nurturing of your marriage.  ​

This quote summarizes the need for expressions of appreciation in the nurturing of marriage. 

“Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness.” (Spencer W. Kimball) 

As you appreciate, love will grow. 

These three things - listening, empathizing, and appreciating - are all things you can choose to do.

Yes, as you choose to listen, empathize, and appreciate your spouse, your character will grow. And you will also be choosing love. Eventually, that choice to love will produce the feeling of love, and the effort you have put into your most important relationship will begin to pay off. 

This choice to love will help you realize that you and your spouse share a deeper friendship, devotion, and connection than ever before. This realization will also help you understand one very important fact - that happily ever after isn't some far-off dream, but an actual and practical reality that can be yours today and always. 

​So go choose to love. Happy loving. 

Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

You know all about love languages. You and that cute husband of yours have sat side by side and  taken the 5 Love Languages quiz. You are a "receiving gifts," type of gal, and he is a "physical touch and quality time," kind of guy. You two care about your marriage, go on regular date nights, and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship together. However, you two struggle with conflict resolution. Your feelings are hurt easily (way too easily, he would say), and he will never (never, ever, ever!) say he is sorry. 

Whenever something goes wrong, you two find yourself stuck. You can't seem to work things out and to figure out how to really make things better. You both love each other deeply, and have been patient enough to just brush things off, but you still carry a list of things he needs to apologize for around in your head, and he still feels like he hasn't done anything wrong and that you are just quick to be offended over silly things. 

You two need to figure out your apology languages. 

Yes, it's true. Did you even know you have an apology language? Did you even know that exists? You may be surprised to learn that each person has a different apology language - and knowing yours, and your husband's can improve your marriage in dramatic (and helpful) ways.

You can start to learn better conflict resolution skills by first learning each other's apology language. As you take the apology language quiz by Dr. Gary Chapman, consider the following questions:

​A. What should an apology look like?
B. How do you know if an apology is sincere? 
C. What will it take for you to receive an apology from your spouse, and to be able to move on?​

Well, how did it go? Which apology language best describes you? Your spouse?

Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas authored the book, "When Sorry Isn't Enough." Their research helped them discover that there are five basic languages of apology:

1. Expressing Regret - feeling bad about what you have done.
2. Accepting Responsibility - admitting you were wrong.
3. Making restitution - making up for what you did wrong.
4. Genuinely repenting - choosing to make changes in the right direction.
​5. Requesting forgiveness ​- asking for forgiveness.

Now that you know which apology language you speak and which one your husband speaks, you two will be able to figure things out much more quickly and invite true healing into your marriage relationship. You will learn that apologizing means taking action to fix things that aren't helping your marriage. It means starting to recognize changes you need to make, and then making them. It means recognizing that sometimes you need to admit you are wrong (hard to do). It means being willing to do things you may not want to do, in order to demonstrate to your spouse that you are truly sorry. And, it may mean learning to physically utter those two simple words, "I'm sorry." 

A great religious leader, Thomas S. Monson, once encouraged all to, 

"...Ever choose the harder right instead of the easier wrong." 

Well, friends, apologizing - sincerely (in your spouse's apology language) - is choosing the harder right. So, go get to it, and invite true healing and real forgiveness into your marriage today. 

Tragic News

About two weeks ago I received the tragic news that a friend and colleague had passed away suddenly in his sleep from what medics believe to have been a heart attack. He was young – still in his thirties – and his passing was completely unexpected. He was a devoted father to three beautiful little kids, had an incredible sense of humor that brightened everyone’s day, and was a simply brilliant individual. I’m still processing his sudden passing and my heart has ached for his wife and family. He will be deeply missed by so many.

My friend was an individual who could smile and crack a joke even during the most stressful times. He was always willing and eager to pause what he was doing and take time to teach or mentor others. Even though his brilliant mind could run circles around just about anyone, he was never arrogant, but rather a humble giant at his craft. He was often more concerned with people than he was with problems. He didn’t judge others for their differences, but instead genuinely cared. As a result, he’s left a great legacy of friendship with so many.

Over the past two and half years since starting Nurturing Marriage, April and I have stayed relatively quiet about our personal lives and beliefs. We’ve never wanted it to be about us. Rather, we’ve wanted the emphasis to be on promoting practical tips to help us all strengthen and nurture the relationships we so treasure. So I apologize in advance, and thank you, for indulging me for a moment as I share some personal reflections in the wake of this tragedy. I do this in hopes that it might provide some comfort to others who may be dealing with their own personal trials, and that it might be a small reminder to us all of what truly matters.

Tragedy has a unique way of helping us refocus, or recalibrate, on what really matters. Regardless of your background, life circumstances, religion, family situation, political views, or anything else, you and I share at least one thing in common – a belief that relationships matter and a drive to make our most treasured relationships lasting and meaningful. If that weren’t the case, you never would have signed up to receive this lovely weekly email about nurturing those relationships. Marriage can (and should) be one of the most rewarding and meaningful relationships we experience in life.

A great religious leader I admire once said this, “Crisis or transition of any kind reminds us of what matters most. In the routine of life, we often take our families – our parents and children and siblings [and spouse] – for granted. But in times of danger and need and change, there is no question that what we care about most is our families! What matters most is what lasts longest, and our families are for eternity.” (M. Russell Ballard)

Written by Tawny May

Written by Leslie Pelon

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

I didn’t know marriage wouldn’t be a perfectly concocted “happily ever after.” You know what I'm talking about - the kind of life where prince charming waits on you hand and foot, constantly telling you how incredible and beautiful you are. Okay, so maybe I really wasn't expecting that kind of happily ever after. I mean, I had glimpsed "reality," in the marriages of those around me, and my expectations (in my eyes), were realistic, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't expecting marriage to be as hard as it is. 

It’s true. When I got married, I didn’t realize that my wedding day bliss was going to turn into the hardest, most challenging experience of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have a beautiful marriage. A deeply fulfilling, and satisfyingly-wonderful "fairy tale," marriage. But my fairy tale hasn’t been free from struggle, worry, discouragement and frustration. Simply put, it's been hard. And you know what? I think "hard," is exactly how fairy tale love was meant to be.
​
​READ: A SIMPLE SECRET TO RECAPTURING "THAT LOVING FEELING" IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Yes, marriage is hard. In a heart-wrenching, soul-stretching, good kind of way.

I didn’t realize when I got married, that I would be asked to give so much... of myself. And that I would be asked, or rather forced, to give away so much of my selfish, proud, know-it-all self. I didn't know marriage would be this hard. 

I didn’t know that the personal price to be paid for a lasting marriage was so high. That it would require me to be vulnerable, humble, and at times... embarrassed at who I am. At things I've said that I didn’t mean. Of the harsh person that I can be when I put up my defenses. I didn't know that it would make me look inside myself, really look, and recognize my weaknesses for what they are. I didn’t know marriage would be this hard.

I didn’t know marriage would require me to apologize so often – and for the same things sometimes week after week. I didn’t know marriage would squeeze my heart until it hurts, all while giving me the chance to forgive again and again and again. I didn't know marriage would be this hard.

Don’t get me wrong, marriage is my happily ever after. It’s my reality. I chose it, and I love it. Even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. You know why? Because it’s changing me. 

READ: TOUCH - A SIMPLE KEY TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

Slowly, but surely, marriage is changing me for the better. It’s showing me a higher, better way. It’s creating a more fulfilling, meaningful life for me. It’s helping me progress, improve, and become a better person than I could have ever been on my own. Marriage has given me a chance to have my heart re-shaped, re-molded, and re-adjusted to make room for a deeper, more sacred, more selfless kind of love.  

And you know what? I’m happier than I’ve ever been. And though I didn't know marriage would be this hard, I'm glad it is, because I'm quickly learning that this kind of "hard," is a key ingredient to happily ever after.

Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

You are on your last string. You have tried to make things work in your marriage, but your spouse doesn't seem to care. You are hurt, frustrated, depressed, and discouraged. You most likely feel like your marriage was not the marriage you always hoped for, dreamed for, or signed up for.

You are ready to leave your spouse and to be done with your marriage as you know it.  FREEZE RIGHT THERE.

There is hope.  

There is hope for you, for your marriage, for your future, and for your happiness. 

You may not have much of that hope left. Do not despair. Hope can be nurtured. As you consider this idea of nurturing hope in your marriage, consider the following questions that may have tugged at your heart-strings as the months and years have passed:

• Is it possible that I can really go on like this, when I feel like my spouse and I are more like roommates then lovers?
• Can my marriage ever be a deep and fulfilling one?
• Will my spouse and I ever come to a unity over issues that have driven us apart?
• In five years time is it possible that we will actually be happier by choosing to stay married, than we would be if we left each other?

3. Love deeply.

Love is a choice. You chose your spouse. You chose love once, and you can choose it again today. And everyday. Unsure of what love looks like? Check out our post here.

Love is at the center of the kind of marriage you hope for. And if there isn't a whole lot of love going on in your marriage right now, change that. Be the first one to rekindle love in your marriage. Let love govern all you do - how you see your spouse, treat your spouse, speak to your spouse, serve your spouse, etc.

Love works miracles. Yes, love may work the greatest miracle of all in filling you and your spouse with a new-found hope that your marriage can be all that you ever wanted, and more! If you just choose for it to be so.

In all of this, please be patient with yourself, with your spouse, and with your marriage! You may have to hope against hope, but in doing so - without an expectation that your spouse will change - you will have invited more happiness, growth, and fulfillment into your life than you can imagine.

And who knows, by choosing hope, change, and happiness today, you may have begun a real miracle in your marriage.  A miracle you have been hoping for, dreaming for, and praying for.  A miracle you will now work with all your might for.  A miracle that will, most likely, save your marriage and bless your life forever. 
Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Lean in close and listen up, because we'd like to have a little heart-to-heart with you about an issue that may be somewhat sensitive for some of you (We'll try and tread lightly!). 

While we hope that this article will be encouraging and uplifting, we feel the need to be a little bold in sharing some personal thoughts about an issue that may be causing more harm to your marriage than you may realize. 

What is it?

We want to talk about Girls’ Nights out and Guys’ Nights out. Or Girls’ trips and Guys’ trips.

You know what we're talking about.

• Girls’ night out getting mani/pedi’s and dinner.
• Guys’ night out watching the big game and eating nachos.
• Girls’ night out at a concert + ice cream.
• Guys’ night out going paint balling and eating burgers and fries.
• Girls' trips shopping the weekend away and laying by the pool.
• Guys' trips full of hunting, fishing, and mountain biking. 

READ: 100 WAYS TO SERVE YOUR SPOUSE

These kinds of activities - though seemingly harmless - may be hurting your marriage.

You heard us right - these kinds of activities may be hurting your marriage.

And for that reason, we kind of have a problem with them. It’s true.

Why, you ask? 

Well, let us explain.

You are all ears, right, because you have at least a dozen reasons why all of the above activities are perfectly acceptable and should be encouraged? We get you! (We like friends, too!)

So, here is our explanation and the caveat behind this very personal pet peeve of ours -

When people are intentional about girls' and guys' nights out while forgetting to be intentional about date night, romantic getaways, and time spent with their better half (aka, their spouse!), then those activities become harmful to their marriage.

Yes, Girls' and Guys' nights out can harm your marriage when they take priority over time spent with your spouse - your #1. 

Simply stated, it isn't good for marriages when friends take priority over spouses. 

Catch our drift?

So, let's be clear here - we're not talking about Girls’ Nights Out or Guys’ Trips being inherently bad (because they aren't), we're talking about priorities.
​
READ: 10 WAYS TO CHOOSE JOY IN MARRIAGE

Yes, our message is all about priorities. ​

2. Breakups are rarely mutual.

​That same study interviewed 257 individuals who had recently experienced a break up; only 12% stated that the decision to end the relationship had been mutual. Having a predetermined time to end the relationship is unlikely to change that. Unfortunately, being the one choosing to terminate a relationship also tends to save you from intense levels of distress. With this in mind, it seems it would be beneficial to be less committed to the relationship to avoid being the one being broken up with when the marital contract is up. This adds with it more issues because...

​3. Commitment is one of the most fulfilling parts of a relationship.

Researchers have dedicated time and resources into studying the science of commitment, and overall the results have been consistent: commitment makes relationships better. A deeper level of commitment – the desire to keep working through difficult times in order to have a lasting relationship – is a good predictor of having fewer problems in marriage, higher marital satisfaction, and lower divorce rates.

​READ: MARRIAGE IS LIKE A GAME WITHOUT RULES

A wedlease, however, is the opposite of that deep level of commitment. It suggests “if things get hard, we can both bail,” and therefore is more likely to lead to conflict, unhappiness, and divorce. Or in this case, the completion of the lease with no renewal.

Ultimately, it seems a wedlease benefits no one but the lawyer drawing up the contracts.

​For more information on marital happiness, take the RELATE assessment today.

​Photo Credit: Crooze Photography