Written by Ashley McGuire
​This article was originally published on the Institute for Family Studies blog. It has been reprinted here with permission. See original article here. 

Can decluttering be a form of couples’ therapy? The new Netflix series, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” would suggest so.

The show is a series of episodes featuring Marie Kondo, whose book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up has sold over 10 million copies, and who has people everywhere feverishly tossing their belongings. In each episode, Kondo guides a couple or individual through the process of reducing their belongings, keeping only the things that “spark joy,” a phrase she coined.  

I wasn’t expecting the marriages of the couples who hired Kondo to feature so prominently in the show, or if anything, I was expecting to see bickering about what to toss and what to keep. Yet I was surprised to find that in the first two episodes, both couples said they grew closer through the process of decluttering their homes. The two couples couldn’t be farther apart in life—the first are the busy parents of young children, their kitchen counters are littered with bottles and their floors with toys and tiny socks. The second couple are empty-nesters in a home that feels like a mausoleum filled with dusty photos and heirlooms. Both felt completely overwhelmed by their possessions and recognized the need to change.

They aren’t alone. One-in-four Americans admit they have a “clutter problem.” According to a survey by The Huffington Post, 84% of Americans report worrying about their home’s cleanliness and organization. A third of those people said that the stress they felt about their home was “extreme.” One-in-seven Americans report being unable to use a room because of clutter, and nearly three-fourths of Americans agree they could stand to get rid of some possessions. 

In fact, Americans have so many possessions that renting out storage space is now common (there is currently 7 square feet of storage for every American), even though home sizes have tripled in the last 50 years while family size has significantly decreased. Spaces we once filled with children, we now fill with stuff. And it’s causing some couples angst.

All the while, we know that happiness is linked with having fewer possessions, not more. One recent study tested children in two different rooms, one with 16 toys and one with four, and concluded that when children are surrounded by less toys, “they have a  happier, healthier playtime.” Researchers at UCLA discovered a link between a “high density of household objects” and cortisol levels, the hormone that regulates stress, in women. And a Cornell study found that clutter-induced stress can result in unhealthy coping strategies like overeating and binging on television.

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​Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NCC, Gottman 7 Principles Trainer
www.SynergyCounselingInnovations.com

Conflict makes appearances in all relationships, successful, happy ones included. The key isn’t to avoid conflict, as many couples mistakenly try to do, it’s to navigate conflict successfully and repair as needed.

In order to do this, you only need one big shift in your current conflict strategy: Focus on the underlying emotion of the conflict.

Emotions are the result of:

what happens
AND
the story we tell ourselves about what happens.

Typically when conflict arises, instead of reaching out for each other’s hand, couples who struggle with conflict tend to point fingers. They stop seeing their partner as their intimate ally and begin treating them as if they are the enemy. They blame each other for the problems in the relationship. This is erosive to the union as it slowly begins to destroy the emotional bond and eventually leads to greater disconnection, chronic fighting, and often the death of the relationship.

If you and your partner are having frequent conflicts, you have to get to the root of what’s going on, and address that.

Couples often get lost in the noise of conflict and miss what’s causing the noise.

When the source of conflict goes undiscovered, it will continue to find ways to resurface until it is resolved or breaks the relationship apart.

​So, try to see what’s driving the conflict from underneath.

What’s Your Current Coping Strategy?

If you feel like you’re in a cycle where conflict seems to be dominating your relationship, you’re likely coping with relationship stress by utilizing emotion-focused coping. Emotion-focused coping is simply distress tolerance.

You’re doing what you can to manage the stress, not remove it. You find a way to live with it rather than eliminating it.

Instead, you need to be utilizing problem-solving coping. Problem-solving coping is where you identify the issue causing conflict and come up with an action plan for handling it.

Get Some Perspective

Often, in conflict, couples are missing each other in the pursuit of what “really” happened, i.e., pushing your own viewpoint at the expense of your partner's perspective.

Your experience is valid, BUT, are you able to see your partner's point-of-view? Can you view their complaints, concerns, and feelings as being linked to legitimate frustrations that they are experiencing within the context of the relationship and not see them as attacks against you or as a personal flaw in them?

The more you cling to the belief that what’s going on in the relationship is your partner’s issue, that something is their fault, or that it is your partner that needs to change and be different, then you will be less motivated to initiate change to alter the patterns between the two of you.

Seek To Understand

If you want to understand your partner's side, then you cannot be solely focused on your own experience.

Doing that will only create a reaction / reaction dynamic that will get you nowhere.

If you don’t want to collaborate with your partner, then problems will dominate your relationship.

You must be willing to momentarily suspend your side of things so that you can step out of a subjective mindset and inhabit another view of the conflict.

​Own your emotions and make room for your partner’s emotions as well.

READ: ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

Be Curious In Conflict

When you experience your partner seemingly upset, be curious as to why they are upset - rather than getting defensive and reactive. Then just listen.

He/she may have a hard time articulating what’s going on for them under the surface. They may not be able to put a word to it immediately, but they will be able to identify that something doesn’t feel right.

By listening to your partner, you can help clarify what might be going on for them. You can help them identify what they are reacting to, and then a conversation can shift to understanding why this is occurring.

Example:

• “You seem (angry, frustrated, sad, distant, confused, not yourself, a little on edge, short-tempered, withdrawn, quiet lately, overwhelmed, etc.). Is something bothering you?”
• “Is this one of those moments where you feel like your needs are not a priority and are being bumped by me for something I want to do?”
• “Help me understand what’s going on here.” OR “Help me understand why you feel this way.”

If you feel like you’re being attacked:

• “I really want to hear what you have to say, it’s important to me and I’m trying to understand, but I’m feeling attacked at the moment. I know you’re trying to communicate something, but I’m having a hard time hearing you right now.”
• “I’m feeling blindsided here. Can you help me understand what’s going on? What is this about?”
• “I’m feeling confused. Help me understand what we’re really talking about here so we can work through this.”
• “I feel like we’re arguing about something else, can we focus on that so we can resolve what’s happening together?”

READ: THE POWER OF A LUNCH DATE

Identify The Emotions Under The Conflict

Instead of trying to disprove each other and explaining to your partner how you’re right and all the ways they are wrong, try to hone in on the underlying emotions driving the conflict.

Identify the underlying emotions and the story attached to them, which is what the conflict is really about.

​Ask yourself: What does this problem symbolize? What story, what meaning, does it have for my partner?

It’s Not About Napping

Partner A naps a lot during the day. This upsets Partner B.

Partner B has shared their concerns about the daily napping. Partner A doesn’t understand why this is an issue and feels that Partner B is nagging. As a result, Partner A has been crabby towards Partner B.

Partner B did some introspective work to figure out why napping bothered them so much. They identified their underlying emotions. Partner B shared with Partner A that the daily naps during the workday have created a sense of insecurity and taken away peace-of-mind.

The meaning attached to Partner A’s napping is associated with their recent history (Partner A lost their job). Partner B had legitimate concerns about Partner A possibly losing their new job as a result of napping during the day. So the emotions Partner A was dealing with was related to Partner B feeling unsettled.

Napping during the day seems like nothing to be upset about UNTIL you learn the meaning that is attached to it. There you find understanding, and from there you can work. Partner B’s issue with the napping had ZERO to do with napping, but rather the history and the narrative attached to the napping.

Partner A can ask Partner B to talk about their increased sense of insecurity and decreased peace-of-mind, and then address those fears by validating and reassuring Partner B. This couple can stop fighting about napping and use their energy to speak candidly about the underlying emotions and the story attached to them, in order to work collaboratively to reach a resolution.

Conflict Is Growth Trying To Happen

The hardest part about being a couple is learning to improve responses to problems that come up.

When we are responsible for our own emotions, we have the ability to influence our partners emotionally.

Remember, there are always two perspectives, yours is not the only one.

Problems take place in context. Try to see the emotion under the conflict and the story attached to it.

Attune to your partner's side of the story, suspend your defenses, be curious about what’s happening for them, focus on the underlying emotions of the conflict, and speak to those emotions.

​By identifying and empathizing with your partner’s point-of-view, you are more likely to find a solution that honors both of you.  

​Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

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Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Can watching 5 movies help your marriage?

Yes.

It's called movie therapy.

Listen up, because we're going to tell you about some fascinating research that highlights the benefits of a new kind of therapy - therapy that doesn't cost a cent (unless you include the cost of renting a movie).

​You're going to like this. 

​Ronald Rogge, an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester, wanted to find a way to strengthen marriages and help couples protect their relationships against divorce (especially in the early years of marriage).

So, what did he do? He conducted a study.

It's a pretty fascinating study.

What they did is they took couples who had been married three years or less and divided them into three groups.

One group learned conflict management skills through lectures, sessions, and assignments. The second group learned about compassion, acceptance, listening, and kindness, through similar lectures and assignments.

The third group tried a new kind of therapy - movie therapy.

Yes, this last group watched movies and answered a set of questions afterwards.

5 movies to be exact.

​In less than one month. 

The results? 

Co-author of the study, Thomas Bradbury, said "Discussing relationship movies, it turns outs, was just as effective as more intensive skills-building programs. The results suggest that many couples already possess relationship skills, they just need reminders to put these into practice." (here)

Did you catch that? Most of us don't actually need skill-building programs per se, we just need to remember and actually implement what we already know we need to do. (P.S. This is exactly what our new book, Nurture, is really all about.)
​
To read ALL the details about the study, go here. 

Bradbury concluded, "The results suggest that husbands and wives have a pretty good sense of what they might be doing right and wrong in their relationships. Thus, you might not need to teach them a whole lot of skills to cut the divorce rate. You might just need to get them to think about how they are currently behaving. And for five movies to give us a benefit over three years—that is awesome." (here)

Isn't that fascinating? 

We love this idea and think it's one every couple should try. 

The power of movie therapy seems to be that it gets couples to think about and talk about their marriage relationship, almost as though they are taking on the role of a counselor. Simply paying attention to, and then discussing relationship tips/advice/skills can work wonders for a marriage. 

Another plus to this movie therapy thing is that it is a practical place you can start working on your marriage - this very weekend. 

Perhaps your spouse has zero desire to go to marriage therapy, or doesn't want to pay for marriage therapy, suggest movie therapy and give it a try. It's a softer way of discussing your relationship, and the results prove that it works. 

Want to try movie therapy? You know you do.

Here are a few tips for making it successful. 

A. Talk to your spouse about the idea and get him or her on board. Some spouses may love the idea of watching a movie, but may not be that excited about talking about their relationship for 45 minutes afterwards. Make sure they know that you are going to do both. 

B. Take turns picking the movies you want to watch.  Make a list of 5 movies you want to watch this month, and print out the worksheet with questions here. (**Note, we are pretty particular about the movies we watch, so we aren't personally recommending every movie on this list.) 

C. Start the movie early enough in the evening that you aren't too tired to talk about it after! (The study suggests discussing the movie for 45 minutes.)

D. Cuddle up, snuggle, and have snacks and blanket close by.

E. Go through all of the questions after the movie and discuss, talk, and listen. Oh, and be humble. Don't take things too personally. Pretend you are marriage counselors and look for what you can learn and apply in your own marriage.

F. Do it again. Try and make a ritual out of movie therapy. (We can see the meme's now - Movie therapy, "It will be fun," they said.)

Photo credit top photo: Ashley Swenson Photo

Movie List & Questions Download found here.
Press release from The University of Rochesterhere.
Learn more about Professor Rogge here.

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Instead, take every opportunity to communicate with your spouse as a chance to practice and improve your listening skills. You can learn to be a better listener, and fast. 

What Good Listeners Do

Becoming a better listener starts with caring about your partner. Caring enough to listen to them, hear them, and understand their heart.

So, what do good listeners do? 

Good listeners in a marriage relationship lean in, make eye contact, offer validation, and don’t try and fix things.

Good listeners nod their heads, make small comments, and ask follow up questions. They don’t think about what they are going to say next, because they are okay with silence. They take on their role as a listener in order to show love, to connect, and to draw closer to their spouse.

​Good listeners listen with not just their ears, but with  all of their hearts.

Finally, good listeners seek to act - to do something about what their spouse is saying. Now, this doesn’t mean they seek to fix things for their spouse, but good listening helps you learn a lot about a person, about his or her needs, wants, desires, likes, hopes, worries, fears, etc.

With that kind of knowledge, you are empowered to serve, love, and lift your spouse in new ways. You may even hear something in what your spouse is saying that invites you to change your ways!

As you aim to give your spouse your attention, your care, your concern, your support, and your listening heart, love will grow. Respect will grow. Connection will grow. And intimacy will grow. And that growth will bless your marriage this week and in the coming months. You’ve got this.
​
Put it into action: The next time your spouse talks to you, try to make eye contact with him/her and keep that eye contact for as long as possible. You may find yourself feeling a little flurry of romance all over again out of the sheer intimacy of something as simple as locking eyes with your spouse and listening to him or her share the thoughts and feelings of their soul. 

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Written by Bryan Striegler

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5. A true apology doesn't get caught up in who's more to blame or who started it.

You apologize for your part of it, no matter how big or how small, even if the other person is unable to see their role in it. And if you're waiting for the other person to apologize first, know that you are hurting your relationship. By waiting on the other person to make the first move you are inviting resentment. Put your ego and pride aside and own your piece of what happened. Apologize for the part you can agree with even if it's only a tiny part. The challenge is to be your best self no matter how the other person is acting. 

READ: TWO WORDS THAT WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

6. A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance.

This is when you apologize and follow your apology by saying something like: "I will be more mindful in the future about my tendency to get defensive when you come to me with something that's bothering you."

7. A true apology should not serve to silence another person.

​In this way "I'm sorry" is used to shut a conversation down. It's not a sincere apology. It's being said because the person doesn't want to listen to what you have to say or doesn't want to talk about an issue.  

​Another way an apology is used to end a conversation might sound like this:

• "I said I'm sorry. What more do you want me to do?"
• "I said I'm sorry a hundred times. Let's not bring it up anymore."
• "I have told you I'm sorry over and over again and you keep bringing it up. Are you going to punish me forever?"
• "I told you I'm sorry. Are you ever going to get past this?"

 
Here's a tip: If an issue keeps resurfacing in the relationship, it's not resolved.  

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3 Gifts of an Apology

1. We are giving a gift to the person we have hurt.

An apology can release the person we have hurt from obsessing over what we have done. When someone receives an apology, it can sooth and calm any anger or resentment they may be carrying. It frees them of ruminating thoughts like: "How could they do that?" or "How could they say that and not see how....?"

Receiving an apology can help someone let go of blame, anger, and resentment, all which are toxic to a relationship. In this way an apology is a gift; it helps the person who has been hurt feel safe in the relationship again, and validates their sense of reality as well as their experience.

As a gift, an apology:
​

1. Helps someone let go of their anger and resentment.
2. Helps someone feel emotionally safe within the relationship.
3. Lets them know that their feelings matter to you.
4. Validates their experience.

2.  We are giving a gift to ourselves.

When we master the art of apology, our resilience grows as does our integrity, maturity, and overall happiness. When we apologize to someone for something we have done, it forces us to hear how badly we hurt someone.

​When we meet someone who we have hurt with our own vulnerability and sorrow, we will come out feeling more brave and having more self-respect for having the courage to do it. No matter how our apology is received, if we stand firm behind our apology we are gifting ourselves compassion.

3. We are giving a gift to our relationship.  

​Relationships need to be able to heal after hurt and disconnection. When we mess up, we have to be able to own that so the relationship isn't weaker for it. A strong relationship and good intimacy is built upon people's ability to repair after hurt.  ​

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Written by Bethany Bartholomew

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Written by Aaron & April Jacob

So, you two are having problems. 

He's snapping at you about the brand of cheese you bought and you're barking at him about flirting with your waitress over dinner. You two.

You are feeling a bit frustrated about your marriage and want things to be better, right?

Well, you have come to the right place.

Now that you're here, we're going to sit and chat with you for a minute, and perhaps even be a bit bold, but we hope you don't mind. You know we care about you and that marriage of yours, so just know that this all comes from our desire to help you and encourage you along in your marriage journey!

Please remember in all of this talk about marriage problems, that according to renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, some problems in marriage are solvable and others aren't. Problems are okay. 

In fact, we probably should call them challenges or opportunities instead of problems, because that is exactly what they are. Problems simply present you and that good looking spouse of yours with challenge, and who doesn't love a good challenge?

Problems give you an opportunity to look at yourself and your life and to make big decisions about choosing and creating the life you know you want, and can have together. 

So settle in as we share 3 simple things you can do (starting today) if you are having marriage problems, ahem, challenges (and chances are, you probably are).

1. Fix yourself first. 

Ah, the ever common answer to most marriage-related problems, and yet the one that we never want to hear.

It's easier to blame problems on our past, or on our spouse, or on the dog, but really, we - as individuals (with all of our strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and more) likely play a large part in every marital problem we face. 

Ouch.

Okay, so you don't need to "fix" yourself, because you aren't broken, but you may need to take a little look inside your heart and see what changes you ought to make in order to improve your marriage relationship. 

Taking responsibility by looking inward is always a good place to start. 

Personal inventories are always a little painful, a little humbling, and a little uncomfortable, but they lead to the kind of learning that helps us to see ourselves and our spouse through new eyes, and with a new, more softened heart. All good things. Very good things. 

So, take a little inventory of your life. 

Perhaps in taking inventory of your life you realize that you have never ever ever offered to help bring in the groceries before, or that you seriously do tend to correct everything he says, or that whenever you come home from work you are grouchy, or that you lose your temper over silly things when you really shouldn't. 

If, in taking inventory of your life you find a few things you need to stop doing, then stop doing them. And if you find a few things you need to start doing, well, start doing them. 

The best time to change and improve is now. 

So just start.

Just make the decision to start changing one behavior or habit today. You'll be glad you did. So will your spouse. 

3. Write your own prescription.

That's right. Chances are, if you really think about it, you already know what needs to be done in order to improve your marriage. 

We're going to invite you to get out a little piece of paper right now (do it) and write yourself a prescription. 

Just as you would go to a Dr. if you weren't feeling well physically and needed a prescription for medicine, your marriage may be in need of a good old-fashioned prescription. 

So start writing. 

Pretend, just for a moment, that you are your very own marriage counselor.

What advice would you give yourself?
What changes and improvements need to be made?

Perhaps your prescription for this week is to bite your tongue, or to give her a long kiss every day, or to notice something that is going right in the relationship and to point it out on the daily. Or perhaps you need to actually make time to talk for longer than two seconds, or to actually go on a date, or perhaps you simply need to say (and show) you are sorry. 

Whatever it is, write it down, and then stick that piece of paper in a place where you can see it every day (better yet, set it as a reminder on your phone three times a day - it may get annoying, but it will definitely remind you!). 

Now, go do whatever it is that you wrote down, and see if it doesn't help with some of those marriage "problems" you have been having. 

(If nothing else, this kind of an exercise will help you to stop and think about your relationship and  about what it needs and doesn't need, and that analysis alone will be a good starting point!)

​You've now taken responsibility for your part in your marital problems, identified the resources in front of you, and written a prescription for yourself, so now it's time to take responsibility for your choices and your responses, and to see the difference that changing yourself (or even your mindset or perspective) can play in your marriage.

Now, you two aren't going to be perfect all at once, and your problems won't disappear overnight, but these three tips are a great place to start if you really want to nurture your marriage, create true and lasting connection, and live the happily ever after you have always wanted.

​Photo Credit: Bryan Streigler Photo 

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Written by Aaron & April Jacob

We are so excited to share 5 newly published marriage books with you!

These books are written by incredible marriage coaches, bloggers, and therapists who are passionate about helping couples take care of their marriages.

The following 5 books are packed with wisdom, insight, practical tips, and encouragement for your marriage.

You are going to love them.

Now, the key to true success with any of these marriage books is obviously to read the book, but then to take notes on the ideas and tips that really resonate with you and then to put a plan into action for how to implement those tips/skills/timeless principles in your life.

​You've got this.

Written by Michelle Peterson

​"Strong marriages don’t just happen. They require commitment, time, and faith―which can often be difficult to achieve amid the hustle and bustle of our daily lives. But this kind of dedication is essential, not just to getting married, but to staying married.

After five years of marriage, Michelle Peterson discovered that many of the couples she knew were separating or getting divorced, and found herself asking a question that would become the foundation of her life’s work: What does it take to stay married? From this question Michelle developed the popular blog and podcast, #staymarried, which has helped hundreds of thousands of couples improve their marriages.

#staymarried: A Couple’s Devotional combines everything Michelle has learned in one welcoming and applicable couple’s devotional. In #staymarried: A Couple’s Devotional, scripture-based devotions help you and your spouse work together to strengthen your relationship―to each other and God." (here)

Written by Ryan & Selena Frederick

"Draw closer to God and your spouse through 30 daily devotions, each one brought to life with vivid imagery and practical application.

Fiercely Focused on Christ

Learn how the gospel relates to every aspect of your marriage by tracing core issues to their source and seeking Jesus as the answer to every question.

Visually Rich and Challenging

Each day starts with an image/quote combination designed to inspire and stimulate conversation. Explore passages of the Bible, connect the gospel to real challenges, and pray alongside your spouse.

10 Bonus Images Include
​
In addition to the 30 devotional images, enjoy 10 bonus graphics with space to express why they matter to you. Cut out a few pages, write on the backs, and place them around your home or work place as constant reminders." (here)

Written by Laura M. Brotherson

"Unlock HER Mysteries...! Women have been mysteries to themselves and their husbands for too long. Knowing HER Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage is the ultimate how-to handbook power-packed with hope and help for creating the intimate and passionate relationship God intended. Taking a respectful, yet straightforward approach, this "sex-therapy-in-a-book," helps couples navigate the intricacies of intimacy to strengthen their marriages. Laura outlines 12 key areas (12 T's) of sexual wholeness to take your relationship to the next level...intimately!" (here)

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

"Have you ever wondered what differentiates thriving marriages from those simply hanging on for dear life? In Nurture: 100 Practical Tips for Marriage, marriage coaches and industry experts, Aaron & April Jacob, explain the one secret that will change your marriage and 100 practical ways to apply this secret to married life. This book is chalk-full of hands-on tips that will lead you to a deeply connected, highly meaningful, and very satisfying marriage. The kind of marriage you have always wanted.
 
Questions This Book May Answer for You and Your Spouse

• How can we take our marriage to the next level?
• How can we bring back the romance in our marriage?
• How can we give our marriage the attention it needs?
• What are some creative and practical things we can do to improve our marriage immediately?
• What do happily married couples do differently?

This book is a must-read for both the happily married and the not-so-happily married. Written in a matter-of-fact, fun, and heart-to-heart style, this 194-page book will encourage, motivate, and inspire you to continue doing the things in your marriage that are working, and to find new ways to improve upon the things that aren't. If you have ever wondered what happily married couples do differently, pull up a chair, you are about to find out." (here)

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Written by Aaron & April Jacob

"He never takes me on dates." 

Michelle was talking to her sister on the phone, frustrated, and in despair. She was feeling a bit lonely and forgotten in her marriage, and she didn't know what to do.

Her sister Mia, older and wiser, asked her a few questions to try to understand Michelle's thoughts and feelings better.

"Why do want Mark to take you on dates?" Mia asked.

"Well, that is what happily married couples, do. Right? And I see all my friends posting pictures of their fun dates and I wish we did fun stuff like they do." Michelle responded.

"Why is doing fun stuff so important to you? Do you want to spend time with Mark or do you want to have something to post to social media?" Mia pried.

"I guess a little of both," Michelle said.

"Why is it that Mark doesn't take you on dates?" Mia continued.

"I think he doesn't care. He just seems so clueless." Michelle said.

"Why do you think he doesn't care?" Mia asked.

"I don't know, maybe because his parents were divorced and he didn't see his dad take anyone on dates." Michelle said, a bit humbled by her response.

"Why don't you talk to Mark about your feelings and see if you two can figure this out?" Mia encouraged. Mia then explained a method she had been using with Michelle called The Five Levels of Why, and she encouraged Michelle to use the same method when she talked to Mark. 

...

The Five Levels of Why

The Five Levels of Why is a method Sakichi Toyoda came up with and it was originally used at the Toyota Motor Corporation (here).

The gist of the method is to repeat the question "Why" five times until you get to the root cause of the problem or process and are then able to begin asking "How" questions in order to find a proper solution. 

An example from Wikipedia explains how the methodology works with the example of a car that won't start.

"The vehicle will not start. (The problem)

1. Why? - The battery is dead. (First why)
2. Why? - The alternator is not functioning. (Second why)
3. Why? - The alternator belt has broken. (Third why)
4. Why? - The alternator belt was well beyond its useful service life and not replaced. (Fourth why)
5. Why? - The vehicle was not maintained according to the recommended service schedule. (Fifth why, a root cause)" (here)

Mia had learned about this method in a business class she had taken a decade ago, and had been using it in her marriage for that same length of time. It seemed to help her and her husband understand their annoyances, frustrations, and conflicts better, and to find solutions that actually worked to solve their problems. 

Using the example above, Mia thought that perhaps Michelle & Mark's Five Levels of Why conversation would look like the following: 

The marriage is struggling. (The problem)

1. Why? The couple doesn't go on dates. (First why)
2. Why? The husband doesn't ask the wife on dates. (Second why)
3. Why? The husband didn't know he was supposed to ask the wife on dates. (Third why)
4. Why? The husband never saw his dad ask anyone on dates. (Fourth why)
5. Why? The wife never communicated the expectation that she wanted to go on dates and that she expected the husband to ask her on dates. (Fifth why)

Mia knew that breaking down problems into "Why" questions always set couples up for success in asking "How" questions in order to find solutions. If both Mark & Michelle knew that date night was important and expected, then they could start working to find a solution and a process that would work for them in order to make date night happen. 

However, relationships are always a bit more complex than the above example and Mia didn't realize that Mark & Michelle's 5 Levels of Why would take a different spin. 
...

READ: 5 WAYS TO MEET YOUR HUSBAND'S MOST BASIC NEEDS

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Problem-Solving / Fix-it Listening: 

This is exactly what it sounds like. There's a stated problem that needs a solution. The exchange is meant to lead to a resolution, not a processing of feelings and emotions. It's not a sharing moment either, unless you are sharing how you solved a similar problem in the past.

Men typically provide problem-solving listening when women need empathic listening.

One reason they do this is related to emotions.

Culturally they are raised differently, and as a result, the world of emotions is not as familiar to them.

What is familiar to them is problem-solving.

So they offer what they are skilled at, what they are comfortable with.

If something is bothering their wife, they want to fix it.  ​

Here's a real session example of a couple with 2 different listening styles:

Wife came home from work and wanted to vent about an ongoing work related stressor. She was looking for empathic listening and instead received problem-solving listening from her husband.

She felt like he didn't understand what she was going through. For him, this wasn't his first time hearing about this issue. It's an ongoing problem he has heard her complain about before. He previously offered advice. On this occasion he did the same thing, but with tone and annoyance in his voice.

"Look. I told you what you need to do. If you aren't going to listen to me I don't want to hear it."

OUCH!

The wife was looking for empathy, something along the lines of, "Gosh, that sounds like a crappy work environment to be in. I hate that you have to deal with this."

Had she said to her husband, "Hey, I'm having a challenging time at work with this difficult situation and I don't know what to do. What are your thoughts?"

That's asking for advice, that's asking for problem-solving listening.

Sometimes, when problem-solving listening takes place in a empathic or shared listening context, it could be linked to avoidance of emotion.

Some people are not as comfortable in the world of emotions, and by providing problem-solving listening, they are trying to reduce their discomfort.

For the husband in this example, part of his frustration was in hearing that the issue wasn't resolved, but more importantly he was frustrated that his wife had to deal with this situation that caused her a lot of upset. He wanted the problem to stop for her.

The problem was literally something he could not fix himself, so by telling her what to do he was trying to get it resolved from the outside.

Fix the issue and the problem my wife has will go away. Logically that makes total sense, but his wife was looking for empathy not a resolution.

2 Steps to Reducing Unnecessary Conflict in Your Marriage

1. Request the listening style you need.

If you need empathic listen, let your partner know.

"Hey. I've had a bad day and I just need you to listen."

If you need problem-solving listening, let your partner know.

"I'm struggling with this particular issue and would love your input on what you think might help."

These are both direct and to the point. You're coming straight out and telling your partner what you need from them, what will help you in that moment.

If your partner knows what you need, usually they will be willing to provide that.

2. Ask what listening style they need.

Until you become skilled enough to assess the situation on your own, just ask your partner what kind of listener they need you to be in that moment.

There is nothing wrong with asking.

It shows you care and you want to be the partner they need in that moment. ​

If you catch yourself falling back into your old listening pattern simply say, "Hey, I think we got away from the listening style. Let's start over and try this again."

New ways of communicating will not magically take hold over night. You have spent years communicating one way, so to change that pattern will take conscious effort daily. The more you do it, the easier it will become.

By putting in a deliberate effort to alter your communication style in the moment, you are rewiring your brain.

Every time you actively work on it, you are creating closer and faster connections in your brain for this new behavior to become more automatic.

Just like any new skill, it will take effort, practice, and time. However, it is well worth it, because developing new listening skills will definitely help nurture your marriage today and in the future. 

Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

Read - 
5 Things Great Listeners Do
​Is Love Really a Choice?
​Are Your Marital Problems Hurting Your Kids?
​An Interview with Thomas & Tabitha Mitsueda

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Written by Aaron & April Jacob

We all face a very human problem, an inconsistency of sorts, that isn't always easy to talk about.

It's the fact that we know how we should - and want to - act and treat our spouse and family members and the harsh reality of how we sometimes actually treat them. 

Why is it that we can put on such a pretty face for our co-workers, neighbors, and friends, and yet at home let down our guard and sometimes become impatient, demanding, and critical people? 

Let's see what we can learn from the following examples.

Scenario 1

Jon was a dentist and was well-loved by his patients and staff. He was kind, thoughtful, considerate, and complimentary. He always encouraged those he worked with and was an overall happy and positive guy. 

His wife, Maggie, came to work one day to pick something up and noticed how he was helping one of his new employees learn the ropes. This employee, Rachel, was asking question after question and seemed to need help with everything. Jon was extremely patient and helpful with her and kept telling her that her questions weren't a problem at all. 

Maggie found herself conflicted inside as she immediately began to wish Jon treated her like that. She thought back on all the times that Jon was impatient with her at home and how annoyed he got whenever she had questions about how to do something. 

On the other hand, Maggie also tried to appreciate what she was seeing in the office that day, Jon like she used to know him. She appreciated how good and kind he was and how much everyone adored him.

Still, she wished the Jon they knew was the Jon she knew at home.

Scenario 2

Amber ran her own real estate company and was uber successful in the county where she lived - often ranked the #1 among her peers in the industry. She often spoke at conferences and was in the process of writing her first book.

​Her husband, Sam, worked with her two days a week and saw what he thought were both sides of her on the regular - the happy, polished, refined Amber at work, and the sloppy, critical, whiney Amber at home. 

Since Amber seemed to treat Sam differently at work than at home, he was starting to feel jealous, upset, and frustrated that she wasn't her best self for him - and he was sure that if she acted differently towards him that their marriage would somehow be better. 

Inconsistency in private and public

Sadly, for most of us, the inconsistency of our private and public self is a real, sometimes harsh, reality that we deal with (struggling to improve upon) on the regular. 

Most of us are very aware of this inconsistency and ever working to close the gap. However, others, are sometimes completely oblivious to the stark difference between their private and public selves. 

​In both of the above scenarios, Jon & Amber both could do better at keeping their private and public selves more consistent, and Maggie & Sam could learn to work on themselves first and realize that perhaps they weren't seeing things in exactly the right way. 

The Safety of Home and the Love of Family

One positive reason this inconsistency may exist is because most people feel safe and secure at home, a place where they can be real, raw, and vulnerable.

The home has been called "a laboratory of love,"(here) for that exact reason - it is a place where we can learn, grow, and suffer through the sometimes painful experience of recognizing and facing our weaknesses square on and working to change, improve, and get better. 

Home and family life create the perfect setting for us to work on ourselves. To be refined. To be shaped, molded, and changed into better people because of our family relationships, not in spite of them. 

However, on the flip side, the casualness and intimacy of home and the security and love of family also make it a place where we can be our worst selves, without fear of any serious consequence. We somehow feel that our spouse and kids love us unconditionally, no matter what, and that they will never leave us, even if we treat them poorly. (We're not talking about abuse here, just a general lack of respect and manners.)

While that may be true to some degree, it is important that we each work on being our very best selves for the people who matter the very most to us.

Being Your Best Self

Just think of it - at some point in your marriage it became perfectly acceptable to burp, pass gas, clip your nails, or do any other normal - yet gross - bodily function in front of your spouse.

It also - over time - became perfectly acceptable to say things as they really are, no matter how rude, inconsiderate, or hurtful. 

This isn't right. 

When did it become acceptable to be our worst selves for the people who matter most to us? 

We love something author Ardeth Kapp said about marriage. She taught that though challenging, marriage and family life have the greatest potential for helping us to become who we are meant to be. She then suggested this very practical and helpful marriage advice, 

"Successful marriage partners find it more effective to use a challenging experience to tutor themselves, rather than to coach their spouses." (Kapp, Ardeth; Better Than You Think You Are, p. 192)

If you feel are feeling frustrated about the fact that your spouse is a different person in public than at home with you, we would suggest the often painful task of looking at yourself first.

What kind of a spouse are you at home? Do you make your spouse want to be home with you? Do you treat your spouse as respectfully as his/her co-workers or friends do? Are you YOUR very best self at home? 

Is there something you are doing that is causing your spouse to distance themselves from you, dislike you, or treat you differently than they treat others (no matter how wrong that feels)?

Take a good look inside yourself and find an area or two where you can improve.

Here are a few places to start.

Look for the Good

​See the good in your spouse. Although he or she may be better in public than in private, they still do a lot of things right at home. 

Remember when she filled your car up with gas, or when he put away the dishes from the dishwasher? Remember how she left you that encouraging note, and how he bought you your favorite ice cream, just because?

Your spouse is a better person than you think, and than you probably give them credit for. Although they may not be perfect at home, your ability to see the good in them will only encourage them and help them get better. 

Noticing the good in your spouse is a habit that each of us has to develop in order to nurture our marriages. It often doesn't come naturally, however, like any positive habit, if we work at it, it will start to come more easily to us and will become a part of who we are.

Warning - it's going to take a lot of practice (and some time) to get really good at constantly seeing the good in your spouse. However, you will be given opportunities multiple times a day, so embrace them. You may even be given an opportunity to see the good in your sweetheart this very night. 

So, see the good, and then compliment your spouse or say something to let them know how much you appreciate them. Let others know how good of a spouse you have, and make sure your spouse knows that they are accepted and loved in your eyes. 

Be Forgiving & Patient

Finally, be quick to forgive.

Your spouse won't be perfect. So forgive them. Forgive them ahead of time. They will fall short. They need you to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Your spouse needs your forgiveness and patience, because guess what, your spouse isn't perfect.

You aren't either. 

And your spouse is probably trying harder than you realize. If he/she has given up on trying it may be because they feel you have given up as well.

So please, please, be patient. Give your marriage time. 

Not sure how to be more patient? Start here.

Don't keep score. 

Remember that you, your spouse, and your marriage are a work in progress. You haven't reached the final product yet.

Try and see the big picture.

If you can be so madly in love with the unfinished masterpiece (despite the flaws), just think how wonderful the final product will be!

Remember what you are working towards.

If your marriage isn't where you want it to be today, then decide to do something about it. Start small. And make #onesmallchange to nurture your marriage this very day. 

Perhaps then, the inconsistencies you see in your spouse will grow smaller, and the changes you work on in yourself will grow bigger. 

Keep at it, there are good things ahead.

Photo Credit: ​The Ramsdens

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

We posted a quote recently that taught a very simple truth.

It claimed to purport the answer to the question of how to stay married no matter what. The solution?

If You Are a Runner

Our advice here is simple - 

Stop running.

Just stop. 

Choose to not run away, but to take responsibility and to face your problems head on. 

This means that the next time you are tempted to run into the other room, or to run downstairs, or to run to Dairy Queen - "Stop it," and simply choose to stay with your spouse. 

You can make that choice.
You really can. 
Will you make it? 

Just make the choice to NOT leave. No matter how frustrated, angry, irritated, annoyed, or upset you are, just choose to stay.

READ: CONFLICT IS A NORMAL AND NATURAL PART OF YOUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER

It's really that easy.

Well, almost that easy. Once you decide to stop the "running behavior" that may be harming your relationship, you need to be able to replace it with a more positive way to handle conflict.

Just remember, NOT running away is a good place to start. 

You also may need some coaching on how to handle - and not run from - tough or painful emotions. (Read about how Ashlynn & Coby use "The Emotion Wheel" here.)

It's okay to just feel. 

Now a Few Words if Your Spouse is a Runner

If your spouse is a runner, please note that it isn't your responsibility to chase your spouse, or try to fix everything (However, that may be the very thing your spouse wants - to be chased and held and hugged and protected.)

If, during conflict, you are able to stay in a calmer place emotionally, where you can see more clearly, then please do what you can to help your spouse calm down!

This doesn't mean that you should feel manipulated by your spouse to try and make things better, or that it is your job to give them all the attention in the world when they choose to run, but there are a few things you can do to help!

1. Don't let them go. Be humble enough to ask them to stay. Not in a controlling way, or a "Pleeease don't leave me," begging kind of way, but in an I love-you-let's-keep-the-drama-down kind of way. Something as simple as "Please don't sleep in the other room, I'm sorry for what I said," can go a long way towards helping you both feel reconnected and ready to apologize.

2. If they do run, text him/her and apologize. Ask them to come back and work through things. And if they really ran - and left the house - tell them to bring you a milkshake back (Humor is always a good idea in marriage!).

3. Calling your spouse on the phone is also a good idea. The runner will probably ignore your calls, but inwardly he/she will appreciate that you called. 

4. When they return to your presence/room/home, offer a hug, forgiveness, an apology, and a simple way for them to feel safe and loved. Even if you feel this is all their fault, you can choose to do your part to stay together no matter what, too!

5. Talk about how running hurts you and hurts him/her and commit to finding better solutions and developing the skills necessary to positively handle the conflict in your marriage better next time. Marriage counseling or coaching is always a great idea if you find the right approach and the right counselor/coach.

In summary, running away escalates any marital conflict and choosing not to run quickly de-escalates any marital conflict. 

Like we said before, this isn't an end-all cure-all answer for runners or those who are married to runners. We all have our own ways of dealing with conflict and we all have part "runner" in us (Think about how often you "run away" from your problems with different strategies - taking a bath, spending money, watching a show - or six, taking a nap, eating junk food, etc) that we need to work at overcoming.

READ: SIX WAYS TO CONNECT AFTER A LONG DAY

So the next time conflict rears its ugly head in your marriage, make #onesmallchange and simply choose to stop running and to start staying. Then you can avoid "bigger" conflict, begin the process of reconciliation, and arrive at joy a lot more quickly than you could if you ran. 

That one simple change may be just the start you need to begin nurturing your marriage in very real and practical ways this week. 

Yes, choosing to stay when you want to run is what "staying together" and "happily ever afters" look like. You see, choosing to stay means that you are also ready to make other choices and changes that will nurture your marriage today and in the future. And those simple changes will make all the difference in creating the marriage of your dreams.

Happy nurturing. 

~ Aaron & April 

**We're not saying there aren't times when divorce is the only acceptable and realistic answer.

In order to manage flooding, couples need to do the following:

1. Know Your Triggers

Pay attention to your physical reactions. Trace them to what was said or what body language you reacted to. By being able to identify what sets us off, we are better prepared to make difference choices in the moment when they present themselves. If we know what triggers us, we can share it with our partner so they don't unintentionally trigger us. Once you know your triggers, you will find that you'll have more control over how you manage your reaction.

2. Know Your Partners Triggers

You need to know their triggers so you don't unintentionally trigger them.

3. Know Your Bodily Symptoms

Become an expert on what happens to you when you become flooded. What thoughts run through your head and what do you feel in your body? If you notice tension in your body, work on relaxing those areas. Reflect on arguments of the past and see if you can recall what you felt in your body during those moments.

The trick is to be able to ID when you are getting close to flooding so you can call a time out.  And get your partners feedback about their experience of you when things are a bit tense; sometimes partners can clue us in on things we miss.

4. Master Self-Soothing

Take deep breathes to help slow down your heart rate which will help get blood pumping back to your prefrontal cortex and bring those higher thought processes back online. Inhale for a count of four and exhale for another count of four. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. When you inhale make sure your shoulders are not moving up and down, but instead focus on your stomach extending out when you inhale.

Consider your five senses to help you self-soothe. Go for a walk, exercise, swim, or do yoga. Soak in a bubble bath, take a hot shower, walk barefoot on a soft rug, or wrap up in a soft blanket. Listen to some music, read a book, light some aroma therapy candles while you watch an episode of your favorite show. All of these serve to distract you and assist your body in returning to a relaxed state.

READ: 4 STEPS TO BUILDING AN INTERDEPENDENT MARRIAGE

Store a mental picture of your partner. This should be a memory of a time when they were at their best and you felt loved and respected by them. A moment when they were generous. Make the memory strong by adding positive details. When you start to get flooded retrieve this memory and focus on it. This helps you move from being reactive to being more relaxed.

5. Agree To A Time Out  

When things are neutral, set a time for your time out. It should be at least 20-30 minutes because that's how long it takes the average person's system to reset.

When either one of you start to feel like you're going to become flooded, take the agreed upon time out. You can even call a time out if you notice your partner is becoming flooded.

Honor the time out.

When we become activated, we want to avoid saying something we will later regret. We want to be able to connect and engage with our partner. So take the time out and use that time to self-sooth.

Partners need to go to separate places where they won't hear or see each other. Don't get in the car and drive off. While in time out DO NOT keep the argument going in your head, this will only keep you flooded. When the 20-30 minutes have passed, return to talk. If you, or your partner, is still flooded then take another time out. If at the end of that time out one of you is still unable to resume the conversation, then agree to table the discussion for 24 hours.

If you delay resuming the conversation more than 24 hours, your partner may feel abandoned or feel like the delay is an attempt to punish them. So resume the discussion as soon as everyone has returned to a relaxed state.  

Make a commitment to self-soothe, give your bodies time to reset, and then check back in with each other. The relationship will benefit when each person is mindful of what triggers the other and takes intentional steps to avoid those triggers so that emotional conversations can be had without it turning into an unnecessary fight.

You can read more from Crystal here. 

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Calling all normal people who are sometimes grouchy, irritable, and moody and who sometimes have spouses who are grouchy, irritable, and moody - we have a challenge for you. 

​Yes, it has to do with kissing. 

Kissing can be a game-changer in your marriage. Literally, a mood changer.
​
Keep reading, and we'll explain.

Here's a little technique we want to challenge you to try in your marriage, a technique that can turn almost any frustrating experience into a unifying and nurturing experience.

The Kissing Challenge in Action

Imagine it's been a long day. A long week, really. And you are feeling especially irritable, tired, and cranky. Everything your spouse does is making you feel frustrated and you don't know what to do. The way he spreads the butter on that bagel? Annoying. The way he picks at his nail cuticles like that? Super annoying. 

You're kind of in a really bad mood, and this mood isn't going anywhere.

Or so you think.

Now imagine that your hot hunk of a husband wraps his arms around you and starts kissing you. Giving you - little old grouchy pants - attention. He kisses you on the cheek. On the neck. On the ear. And he won't stop. 

He makes some flirty comment and rubs his fingers down your nose. 

At first you are still super annoyed (though inside you are kind of like, "Thank you for giving grouchy pants a little attention over here!") and you try and push him away. He hugs you tighter. He isn't going to let up. 

You start to whine in an effort to show him how annoyed you are. But really, you are liking this attention. You don't want him to stop, but you aren't quite ready to not be grouchy anymore. 

He tickles you.

You laugh.

He yells, "I broke you!"

You feel pretty humbled and silly inside, but you poke him and say you are sorry.

Then you steal another kiss. 

And that is that. 

Your bad mood is gone and now you find yourself kissing your hot husband in the kitchen for another ten minutes. 

That night turned out all right after all, if you are humble enough to admit it. 

All thanks to your spouse, really. And his dog-gone stubbornness to help you break out of a bad mood. ​

Kissing it Out of Them

We call this method, "kissing it out of them." It works for bad moods, for little disagreements, and for full-on frustrating fights. (***Disclaimer, this doesn't ALWAYS work, but it's always worth a try!)

​READ: THE SIX SENSES OF HEALTHY SEX

This simple technique has proven to be quite effective in dissipating bad moods and grouchy spouses.

Why so effective? 

Because it really works. 

It does. 

Trust us. 

• You can kiss out pride.
• You can kiss out anger.
• You can kiss out stubbornness.
• You can kiss out PMS.
• You can kiss out hurt.
• You can kiss out orneriness.
• You can kiss out grumpiness.

Why It Works

Why does this simple technique work? Isn't kissing just a way to numb or hide or run away from real emotions, you ask? 

Kissing it out works because no matter what we are feeling in the moment, the deeper emotion underlying those feelings is usually a deep desire for connection, love, attention, and care. 

Are we right, or are we right? 

• ​When you are frustrated with your spouse the one thing you really long for is to feel close to them and to feel loved and understood. 
• When you are impatient and PMSy, the one thing you want is to feel close to your spouse - to feel like they care. (And you want to be held, admit it.)
• When you are mad about something, you really just want to be listened to, validated, and hugged. 

Each of us, whether we are willing to admit it or not, could use a lot more KISSING from our spouses - especially when we are the most prickly and the least deserving of their care and attention. 

(Plus, kissing triggers the release of feel-good hormones in your brain, so kissing really can help a bad mood dissipate!)

Showing love and affection to your spouse is always a good idea. It can bridge gaps and settle trivial disputes.

It certainly takes a measure of patience, understanding, and humility to successfully "kiss it out," but it is also most certainly worth it.

​So are you willing to accept our challenge?

The Challenge and The Rules

Challenge: We challenge you to try KISSING IT OUT OF YOUR SPOUSE every single time he or she is ornery during the next two weeks. 

The Rules: You have to read this article with your spouse, decide that you are both willing to do this, and commit to your role to kiss it out of your spouse. 

1. For the grouchy spouse - Let your spouse kiss it out of you. Don't be so stubborn that 20-minutes of kissing will still find you a grouchy mess.

2. For the humble spouse - Be committed to kissing it out of them, no matter how difficult. It's super rewarding to break a grouchy spouse after ten minutes of hard work kissing, flirting, and complimenting your spouse. It's fun. We promise.

We love this simple technique and hope it can help you nurture your marriage and eliminate annoyances, frustrations and mood swings that are getting in the way of your happily ever after. 

Comment below - we want to hear your thoughts and experiences!

​READ: AN INTERVIEW WITH KIM AND GEORGE KNOLLMEYER

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

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The only piece of advice my dad gave to my husband when he asked permission to marry me was this:

“If she cries, give her food or make her go to sleep.”

Nothing about how to communicate with each other. Nothing about what chocolates I like best as surprises. No advice on things I might have a strong opinion about.

Nope.

Just what to do if I cry.

I really should thank my dad more often for that one.

So, to every husband, here’s some advice on what to do if your wife cries.

Whether you’ve been married one week or half a century, you will inevitably come across moments when your wife is crying and you’re not quite sure what to do about it.

Don’t stress.

Sometimes wives just cry.

And that’s okay.

Here are some pointers to help you navigate those sometimes scary situations.

*Disclaimer: Not every woman cries for the same reasons, or even much at all. Make sure you ask your wife for her own advice to go along with what you read below. There are some things that might trigger different emotions for her than for others.

For the husband:

She’s crying.

1. Is she hurt?

a. Yes.

Help her. Ask what she needs. Take care of the situation. This is where your superhero husband skills kick in.

b. No.

Continue to step 2.

2. She’s not hurt. Ok. Are there reasons behind her emotions that only a woman understands?

a. Yes.

She might be dealing with pregnancy or PMS. Be understanding. And good luck. Anything could have triggered the tears. Or even nothing at all. She may not even know why she’s crying. Ask what she needs. Offer food, foot rubs, and other common hormone problem solvers. But most of all, be patient.

b. No.

Continue to step 3.

3. It’s not necessarily a hormonal reaction. Ok. Is she tired or hungry?

a. Yes.

Send her to bed. Or to the kitchen. Whichever takes priority. She may not recognize that she is hungry or tired (or both). And feel free to ask questions like, “How did you sleep last night?” right at the beginning of the day so that you have advance warning. Or, in the moment, ask questions like, “Can I get you a snack?” or “What did you eat for lunch?” to see how hungry she might be. Sensitive questions can prevent a good amount of headache in these situations.

b. No.

Continue to step 4.

Oh, time. That dependable, ever-marching soldier that changes so much as it goes. 

Time heals all wounds. Time waits for no man. Time is precious. 

And when you think about it, time also has a way of eroding relationships, doesn’t it?

What often starts full of promise, love and joy can easily turn to resentment, frustration and bitter words after a few years together. Scientists already agree that the heady stage of early love – the butterflies, the giddy joy, the all-night phone calls… they can’t last beyond around two years.

READ: MARRIAGE IS LIKE A GAME WITHOUT RULES

Time gets in the way, and suddenly it is not enough just to be around your partner, as it once was. Little things they say or do start to drive you crazy.

The glow wears off and you begin to only see the broken, tarnished parts of your partner and you can’t stop focusing on the things that annoy you, instead of seeing all their great qualities.

As it turns out, they’re not perfect. You were looking at them through loved-up, rose colored glasses the entire time.

Believe it or not, having your partner finally slip off a pedestal is not always a sign that the love is gone. You needn’t consider running away.  

A relationship is a life’s work, ebbing and flowing over time and the way you feel about your partner can come and go in waves. There are the good times and the bad times, the ups and the downs.

A few years ago, my husband moved overseas for two months for work. We both welcomed the idea of a little space. Before he left, I felt like we were well into no-longer-friends territory. The stress of buying our first house, moving in and renovating as well as running a business in an economic slump was getting to us.

Sometimes I would hear words escape my mouth and not even know why I had been so mean-spirited. Other times, one of us would blow up in response to something completely benign the other had said.

READ: THE HONEYMOON'S OVER, NOW WHAT? 

We were at the end of our patience and had nothing left in the tank to give each other. 

But that’s what happens so often in relationships – you get caught in a pattern of action and reaction. Some of you may be reading this, thinking your own relationship will never get that way.

I thought that too. 

But a marriage is full of seasons. And these winter periods are inevitable. Take comfort in the fact that it’s seasonal, and everyone I know goes through these same patterns.

While my husband was away for his two-month stint, I missed him terribly. 

But I’m adamant that an enforced break of at least a week or two every year is a fantastic idea for any couple.

I’m lucky; he came back, just as we had planned. (Before he left, I’m sure we both fantasized for a split second or two about blissful freedom!) ​

But while he was away from me, I thought about all the people that have lost their partner permanently, and the ones who are enduring enforced leave, such as one military wife who emailed me telling me her husband was on his fifth round of a 4-9 month stint in a war zone.

It made me realize that for all the mundane moaning and groaning about whose turn it was to clean the kitchen or whatever… well, none of it mattered if he wasn’t here at all.

When he came home, it was like we’d been given the gift of a reset button for the relationship. Suddenly, I just wanted to make him smile. Wanted to be around him. Wanted to be happy. Wanted him to be happy. 

​READ: 8 FUN FALL DATE IDEAS

And vice versa. We both went out of our way to build our marriage back up. 

Our relationship was better than it had been in years, quite honestly. Not that it was ever terribly awful, but when both partners make a concentrated effort to be nice to each other, that’s where the magic happens.

Think about all the best parts of your closest friendships and try applying that to your relationship: Be kind, not mean. Disagree peacefully and constructively. Accept them the way they are.

If you’re caught in the attack-react cycle, consider a week’s holiday alone as a reset button. Give yourself the space and time to miss your husband or wife, and to get some perspective. 

Let time bring you closer. It can if you know how to work it to your advantage. 

And don’t sweat the small stuff.

Emotions can change on an hourly basis. We cannot rely on emotions alone –they lie to us. Sometimes the emotions we feel aren’t even our own, but brought on by hormones, a change of season, life circumstances or even hunger pangs. 

If you’ve gotten to the point where your partner is just plain irritating all the time, start by looking inwardly at yourself first to see what’s going on for you, rather than just blaming them. 

The key to maintaining a good relationship while you weather the ups and downs is simple:friendship.

You and your partner should be not just romantically involved, but also the very best of friends.

Think about some of the meanest things you’ve said (or perhaps yelled) at your partner. Think about the little digs you seemingly can’t help but make, maybe even on a daily basis. 

You would never remain friends with a person who talked to you that way, would you? I hope not. On the flip side, you would never be so careless with your friends, treating them that way. 

So why do you treat the one person you love most in the world like that? 

Strive to be a good friend to your partner.

Top Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Gaming. It's a sensitive topic, and unfortunately something that has a negative impact on far too many marriages. 

Of course gaming on it's own won't necessarily ruin your marriage, but if it takes precedence over your spouse or other responsibilities, it might be time to re-evaluate the role gaming plays in your life. 

If we're being blunt, this article is about growing up. About maturing. About learning to live a meaningful life outside of a game. About taking responsibility for your life. About stepping it up as a spouse, employee, and member of society. 

That being said, we're not gaming-haters. We're not suggesting that you get rid of your Xbox, PlayStation, or whatever else. We simply want to encourage you in your efforts to nurture your marriage. We've heard far too many stories of one spouse (usually it's the wife) feeling neglected and hurt because the other spouse spends inordinate amounts of time glued to a game.

Gaming may not be hurting your marriage at all. Maybe it's not a distraction you or your spouse face. Or, maybe there are a few games you enjoy playing together. If that's the case, great. However, if you have felt distant from your spouse, or are constantly getting nagged about your gaming habit by your significant other, it's probably time to hit the pause button and think about the impact gaming might be having on your marriage. 

Here are three questions to help you evaluate if gaming is having a negative influence on your marriage. 

1) Is gaming distorting your sense of reality? 

When you spend half of your day in a game, you run the risk of getting caught up in a virtual reality - one that can quickly escalate to the point where it may feel like your actual reality. You may begin to eat, drink, and sleep in the confines of a certain game. Your thoughts may be consumed by your game, and your every desire may be to spend time on your game.

But it's not reality. It's a game. And while your virtual reality pretends to exist, actual reality is passing you by. 

Life is too short to spend inordinate amounts of time in front of a screen, especially at the expense of ignoring other priorities and responsibilities (like your spouse!). When was the last time you took your spouse by the hand, went for a walk around the block, and enjoyed a lovely sunset? Or when was the last time you had a conversation with your spouse about something meaningful to them - a conversation where you really listened without any distractions? Or when was the last time you had a really intimate night together? 

It's time to be a little more present in your reality - in your marriage, in your family, in your community, in your work, etc. Virtual reality will always be there, but it will never yield the satisfaction of succeeding in your actual reality.

If it has been awhile since you have really connected as husband and wife, then please check out our new marriage devotional - a book that will provide you with quality time each week to connect on a deeper, more meaningful level. This book will give you the opportunity to talk about the things that matter most to both of you, and will provide you with a safe place to really evaluate your marriage and feel inspired about the next steps you can take to have the kind of marriage you have always wanted.

2) Is gaming distancing you from the love of your life? 

As with anything that can become all-consuming, gaming can get a little out-of-hand and distance you from your spouse. It's sad to say, but we've seen how gamers can essentially become "married" to their games, instead of to their spouse. 

An obsession with a game has even lead some people to completely disconnect from their spouse and others that care about them. In extreme cases, gamers may be so engrossed that they lose their job, quit school, rarely step outside their rooms, and end up sacrificing things that truly matter. All for a game.

So, how do you know if your gaming "hobby" or "down-time" has gone too far? Consider these questions: Do you zone out during family time? Do you rarely look up from your game while someone is speaking to you? Do you stay up late at night to continue playing? Are your work or other responsibilities taking a back seat? Do you completely ignore your spouse and his or her needs, along with what is going on in their life? 

If you start to notice some of these symptoms, then simply recognize it for what it is and don't let yourself get caught in a trap. If your husband or wife is in the other room feeling lonely, then take that as a wake up call. Set the controller down and go give him or her some attention. Give them the same devotion, interest, commitment, and excitement as you give to your games. 

Painting, fishing, bodybuilding, crocheting, gaming, shopping, skiing, and the list goes on. And on. And on.
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Life offers us opportunities to learn and participate in so many wonderful activities and interests (alone or with others) that can fill our days with meaningful, happy, and interesting experiences. 

However, it is all too easy to become passionate (or obsessed) with one hobby, all at the expense of other more important priorities in our lives.

So, what do you do when your spouse cares more about their hobby than they do about you? 

You may relate with some of the following examples...

The gamer

Andrea came home from work to be greeted by her husband, who didn't look up from his video game, but did manage to squeak out an honest, "Hey, how are you?" to her as she walked into the kitchen. It was the same routine. He worked an early morning shift and got home earlier than she did. She didn't know why it bugged her so much that he was always playing video games when she came home - it was his time to unwind after a long day, after all - but it bugged her. A lot. 

The runner

Rob and his wife of thirty years were happily married with four kids. They had moved around a lot and had recently settled into their dream home. His wife, Michelle, had recently found a new group of runners in the area who were all training for upcoming races. She needed friends, and this new group welcomed her immediately. Michelle would get up early every morning to run with her friends, and often spent hours on Saturdays training with them.

Rob was starting to feel unsettled about this new running group. He thought perhaps it was due to his own insecurity, since the group had a lot of men in it. Men who shared his wife's passion for running, and men who were a lot more fit than he was. He didn't want to be possessive and tell Michelle that he didn't like her spending so much time with her running friends, but he was starting to feel disconnected in his marriage and was worried about what to do. Michelle seemed so happy, and she was doing what she loved, should he really try and stop her? She had found people to connect with, to talk with, and to run with. 

Rob felt an inner turmoil about what to do, but he was starting to feel like Michelle didn't even need him anymore.  

The hunter

Beth was fed up with her husband's hunting "obsession," as she called it. He was gone, it seemed, every other weekend for three months out of the year. He spent all of his free time reading hunting, talking hunting, and thinking about hunting. Plus, he spent a LOT of their money on hunting gear, garb, and the like. Beth had tried to be supportive, encouraging him for the past thirteen years of marriage to pursue what he loved, but it had just become too much. She was tired, lonely, and feeling left out. Last year she had decided to try and get into hunting herself, but her husband didn't seem to want to share his hobby with her. He said it was "his thing," to do with his friends. She was hopeless, frustrated, and ready to put an end to either the hunting, or their marriage. 

1. Nurture your marriage.

What is most important to you and why? If it is your hobby, then your marriage may be lacking the nurturing it currently needs. 

First things first. Give your marriage and your spouse your best time, your best attention, and your very best self. Share with your spouse instead of your running buddy. Make date night, getaways, and talk rituals mandatory. 

2. Find shared interests and hobbies.

You need to work at creating shared interests and hobbies - and finding things you both love to do together. There will be nothing better for your marriage than developing shared interests and hobbies. As you spend time together side by side, doing what you both love, your relationship will thrive and your friendship will blossom.

3. Communicate.

The sad part in the examples above is that for Andrea & Rob, they hadn't even let their spouse know that his/her hobby was starting to really bug and worry them. Beth had expressed her frustration many a time, but not in the most positive way (Which drove her husband towards hunting even more, where he could be away from his nagging, needy wife!). 

Problems come when couples don't communicate about or set boundaries regarding personal hobbies and interests. Communicate often about how each of you feel about your personal hobbies, about how much time each of you will spend on your individual hobbies, and about who you will be spending that time with. You both need to feel comfortable and safe with the situation. You may need to set some boundaries to help you both feel safe and connected, even when you are apart. 

In all of these scenarios, Andrea, Rob & Beth were feeling like their spouse's hobby was taking priority over their marriage relationship. They were feeling lonely, hurt, or frustrated about the time and attention they were (or rather, weren't) getting from their spouse, and were starting to feel like hobbies were going to mean the downfall of their marriages. 

Andrea, Rob & Beth lacked connection in their marriages. And interestingly enough, their spouses were probably turning to the their hobbies in order to have some of their needs met, too. Lack of connection, lack of fulfillment, and other "needs" that aren't met can distance spouses from each other if they aren't intentional, mindful, and careful about their relationship. 

Often, when people say their spouse cares more about their hobby than their marriage, what they are really saying is that they feel far, far away from their spouse. Hobbies threaten to overtake and ruin marriages when they cause spouses to feel disconnected and distanced from each other.

You can make efforts to connect with your spouse by learning your spouse's love language, understanding his and her needs,taking time to talk, and creating special rituals of connection. 

5. Finally, please remember that personal hobbies are important.

So your husband loves watching golf and you hate it. Let him have his golf time. Ask him if he wants you to pick up his favorite sandwich while he watches the big tournament. Or perhaps your wife loves to paint while listening to classical music. Encourage her to pursue her hobby and make sure she has time for it. 

As you encourage each other in your hobbies, you will be more renewed, refreshed, and happy - for each other. 

Please know that this article isn't saying that personal hobbies in marriage are inherently bad, because they aren't. However, they can only be good for a marriage when they take their rightful place in each spouse's list of priorities.

​As you make connection a high priority in your marriage, your hobbies will find their rightful place in your life - where they don't dominate your life, and they aren't swept under the rug, either - and you will find that you and your spouse both feel more connected, more fulfilled, and more happy as you figure out this thing called "marriage."

Your wife is amazing. You know it. That's why you married her. You assume that she knows it too. However, most women are their own worst critics. If you don't remind your wife, and express to her often, how amazing she truly is, she might start to forget.

As important as it is to know the right things to say, it's equally important to know what not to say. It's quite likely that there are some comments you regularly make to your wife that are actually hurting her feelings.

​You may mean well by these comments, perhaps they're simply matter-of-fact questions, or you may just be trying to sincerely help, but if you're not careful these well-intentioned comments may slowly be destroying you wife.

Guys, if you want a happy wife, here are 10 well-intentioned comments and questions to stay away from. And if you can’t help yourself and these comments/questions slip out anyway, make sure they’re said in a very pleasant non-accusatory tone.

1) What have you accomplished today?

This comment especially applies to those couples where the wife stays at home, potentially with the kids. Being a full-time mom has got to be the toughest job in the world (if you don’t believe me, then try it for a day)! If that’s your situation, then take my advice and please don’t ask your wife this question. She may interpret your genuine curiosity as a knock against the importance of her daily activities. If the kids are still alive when you get home, then she’s likely accomplished more than you have.

2) Do I have to?

It’s quite possible that from time to time your wife asks you to do certain things that you’re less than enthusiastic about. Perhaps it’s attending a boring work dinner with her, or wearing that weird shirt for family pictures, or simply cleaning out the basement. Whatever the case may be, remember that doing something slightly unpleasant is a relatively small price to pay for a happy wife. Support your wife because you love her.

3) You really shouldn't eat that [insert favorite treat here].

Um, just don’t say this. Ever. Your wife faces enough outside pressure to look and dress and appear a certain way – she doesn’t need to hear it, or even infer it, from you. Rather, remind her of these three things you want her to know.

4) How much money did you spend today?

Keeping track of your finances is critical in building a happy marriage and finding financial peace of mind. However, as important as it is to be in control of your finances, it’s also important that you’re not overly consumed by them. What I mean is that it’s possible to take money management so seriously that it becomes a fault. If the first thing you say to your wife when you get home is, “How much money did you spend today,” then you’ve probably taken money management too far. 

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to be nice to your partner when you’re upset with them. It’s also one of the most important moments to be kind. Dr. Gottman’s research shows that couples who start arguments gently are more likely to manage conflict effectively, without harming the relationship. In fact, it is in these moments that Dr. Gottman can predict the success or failure of the relationship with over 90% accuracy.

​In a popular Atlantic Magazine interview, Dr. Julie Gottman explains that, “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

The Vow of Kindness

Kindness is not just important in the heat of an argument, rather, it is about your mindful and considerate behavior throughout your relationship.

When we enter into a committed relationship, most of us make some sort of declaration  – a promise or a vow  – that we will uphold our partner and care for them. We also make a secondary promise: that we will be our best selves ,  full of integrity and hope for a successful future.

The act of not choosing kindness is therefore doubly hurtful – to our partners and to ourselves – because it undercuts our efforts for growth and the potential for greater intimacy.

A relationship is the concerted effort of two people who mindfully and enthusiastically work towards a shared vision. Despite the difficulties of daily life, partners are in charge of their own behavior. While a couple grows together, they are not precluded from growing as individuals as well  –  in fact they must evolve as individuals in order to continually bring their “best selves” to their partner.

Kindness Begets Kindness

How can you cultivate a habit of kindness in your relationship? Below are 3 powerful tips that you can put into action right now, regardless of where your partner is on their journey:

1. Think good thoughts

We are wired to feel how we repeatedly think. Thinking positive thoughts about your partner will make it easier for you to think more positive thoughts, and to speak and behave positively towards them. In order to get into the habit of being kind, you must practice the thoughts as well as the actions.

Remind yourself of the nice things your partner has done each day. For instance, did they take out the recycling or come home early one night for dinner? However small the action, make it a habit of noticing the kindness as it is happening and make a mental note of how happy it makes you feel. When you see your partner, mention it to them. Noticing the good things about your partner helps to keep you in what Dr. John Gottman calls the Positive Perspective or Positive Sentiment Override. It is a sense of hopeful well-being that arises from a positive thoughts and positive interactions.

2. Accept responsibility

Take responsibility for assessing your own feelings before presenting them to your partner. Whereas anger and frustration are legitimate emotions, further exploration might reveal that in fact you feel annoyed or sad about a situation. Perhaps upon reflection you find that in fact you felt abandoned or that your dreams are not being acknowledged. Being able to accurately pinpoint your feelings will help you to convey them in a kinder, gentler tone to your partner.

You might think it is more authentic to say exactly what’s on your mind without filtering anything for your partner, but consider that once they are hurt, it is harder for them to connect with you empathically. Take a moment to process your feelings with a therapist or by yourself. Try keeping a journal or log of your day and how you were feeling. Processing your feelings through writing often helps to sort out and organize thoughts.

3. Let hope win
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Have faith in the relationship and in your commitment. Even though you will have ongoing arguments with you partner, focus on your friendship. I see couples in my office who want to “solve” their issues first before going out for an ice cream or relaxing over dinner. It’s not possible to solve problems with someone you don’t want to collaborate with.

I often encourage couples to do an activity together to enjoy their love  –  despite their gripes! It is much easier to discuss problems with your best friend than with your “enemy.” It may take effort to institute a date night, but being close and connected is a habit, and habits have to be practiced consciously and regularly. Try going out of your way to be friendly to your partner.

For instance, pour milk in their cereal in the morning, or offer to walk the dog. Look up a movie they’ve been meaning to watch, or even send them a text message today (not about errands or scheduling) about something you’re looking forward to doing with them later.

Kindness Allows You to be Heard

Ultimately, kindness serves your expression of difficult emotions by offering your partner the capacity to really hear you. Even if you are angry, in order to approach your partner effectively you must be kind. If you’ve paved the way for your partner to be open to you, they are more likely to hear your frustration and respond with compassion. Kindness gets your needs met.

Being kind and gentle is a decision. Just as we offer a smile and hold the door open for a stranger, we must remember to cultivate this habit in our relationship no matter how many months or years have passed.

The longer we try, the easier it gets to summon up a positive picture of our beloved. The more we practice kindness, the easier it is to recall that our partner is also a human who is experiencing life alongside us. It becomes easier to offer a smile and to extend an olive branch to the person who is in the struggle with us – not against us.

Want research based tools discovered studying thousands of couples to strengthen your relationship? Join The Gottman Relationship mailing list here and receive the 7 Signs Your Relationship Will Last for free.

​Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Time and time again, in my work with couples, I find myself sitting in session hearing one partner telling the other what they don't want. Inevitably the listening partner, naturally, becomes defensive and they either: shut down or react. If they react, they usually escalate the exchange by bringing up prior perceived offensives (a typical defensive strategy). Example: "Oh yeah? Well you......" The power struggle dance has begun and the couple has just blown past the underlying need, leaving it unaddressed. But no worries, it WILL resurface at another time, maybe disguised a bit differently, and it will likely lead to a repeat of the blame game. When this happens, the couple ends up missing an opportunity to dialogue about a partner's need and work together to find a resolution that suits the couple. They miss the opportunity to grow within conflict. For often, conflict is growth trying to happen.

Over all, people are pretty skilled at voicing what they don't want. Telling people what you do want, on the other hand, is often tricky. It can be uncomfortable to make yourself vulnerable to another.

Opening up to someone has inherent risks: there is a fear that our needs will be dismissed, we will be laughed at, or we will be judged. People naturally want to avoid this. In a roundabout way, the logic is: If I tell you what I don't want, then you should be able to infer what I do want and my needs should be met without me directly stating them. This logic only leads to disappointment, resentment, and even anger; all of which feed emotional distance and can begin to erode a relationship.

Here are some negative need statements I have helped couples reframe into positive need statements.

Examples of negative need statements -
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• I don't want to come home and deal with (x,y,z) as soon as I walk in the door.
• I don't like coming home to fighting and screaming.
• I don't want you to spend the entire party talking to other people and not me.
• I don't want you to jump in and undermine what I just told the kids.
• I don't want to hear that you're sorry and that it won't happen again.

Negative need reframed into a positive need - 
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• When I come home at the end of the day, I need some quiet time, some time to myself, before hearing about issues that have come up that we/I need to address. I need 20 minutes to transition from work to home.
• It's important to me to be able to come home from work and step into a house that is/feels (happy, clam, relaxed, welcoming, etc.). I spend my whole work day in a fast-paced, hectic, and often loud environment, and when I come home I crave the opposite of that. I need the opposite of my day when I'm home.
• When we are at the party tonight, I would love it if you would circle back around and check in with me. Can you please make an effort to socialize with me some throughout the party?
• I need you to have my back when I lay down the rules with the kids. When you walk in and something is going on, I need you to help me with consistency. I need the two of us to be on the same page about things so we aren't sending mixed messages to the kids.
• I need reassurance from you that you won't do that again. I need to know that you understand how you hurt me. I need to know that my pain is also your pain.

The point is to articulate what you want, what you need, and what you prefer and to not come at your partner with what you don't want. By saying what we don't want, our partner is going to hear "This is what you are doing wrong. This is what you aren't doing right." They will likely take your negative need as a personal criticism, and when people feel criticized they will defend themselves.

By saying, "When I come home at the end of the day, I'm looking forward to peace and quiet. I'm looking forward to relaxing in the family room and to hearing about everyone's day over dinner," that lets your partner know what you want, what you need, what you crave, what you look forward to, what you hope for, and what you expect. And with that knowledge, your partner can help make that a reality for you.

Remember: A negative need is a statement about what you don't want. A positive need is a statement about what you do want. Focus your energy on what you do want and work towards that, not against it.

If you don't convey what you need, how do you expect to get it?

Make a conscious effort to state a positive need in place of a negative need and see how your conversations change.

So, try it today. Identify a common negative need that you say and turn it into a positive need. If you have a hard time coming up with one, ask your partner for feedback about your negative needs. Make it a couples exercise where you each work through a negative need and make it a positive one. Help and encourage each other through the process. Trust me, I know it isn't easy. My clients know it isn't easy.

When you catch yourself in the middle of a negative need just stop and try again. With practice you will begin to communicate to your partner what you do need and you'll be giving them something to work with. 

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography