Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Laura wrote in the preface to her new book,

"In the sexual dimension of marriage, female sexual wiring is fraught with complexity and confusion for both husbands and wives. This book is not focused on specific sexual dysfunctions, but on intimate insights that will help any couple better understand how to have a healthy, sextraordinary marriage. This book attempts to simplify the intricacies of how women are wired sexually, with my new book to focus on how men are wired."

Men, get this book!!! Women, get this book and understand yourself better!

Knowing Her Intimately, 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage is a self-help sex therapy resource that will bless any marriage.

​In this book, you will learn how to truly know your wife. 

Laura covers 12 essential ingredients for a healthy sexual relationship:

1. Transformed
2. Thoughts
3. Tenderness
4. Time
5. Transition
6. Talk
7. Touch
8. Technique
9. Tuned In
10. Teasing
11. Treats
12. Transcendence

​You want to know more about each of these 12 keys, right? Get the book!!!

We recently received a question from someone in our community about how their spouse was texting/calling another person quite regularly and if they should be as worried as they were. 

This seems to be a topic that a lot of marriage coaches we are connected with have been talking about lately. It's a topic you'll hear about a lot. Why? Because it happens all the time.  

It is always interesting to hear people say, "We never would have thought this [strong couple or amazing individual] would cheat on their spouse." 

Don't be shocked.

It can happen to anyone.

It seems even more prevalent in our day of instant communication and social media, along with new apps and opportunities to connect with others with the tap or swipe of our fingers. 

The good news is that it doesn't have to.

Cheating/infidelity/affairs are choices. 

You can choose to cheat on your spouse.
Or you can choose to be loyal to your spouse.

Now, it is a slippery slope from A to Z, so let's chat about some of the warning signs in the beginning (going from A to B or C) and what you can do if you feel like you or your spouse are becoming interested in another person or hiding a secret relationship from each other. 

​First off, to the worried spouse. 

Your insecurities are normal and being in a committed relationship and feeling 100% secure in that relationship all of the time is hard to do. 

If your spouse is the type that just seems to attract the attention and friendship of other men or women to her or him, you can take that one of two ways - you can be extremely upset and jealous or you can take it as a boost to your confidence - YOU WON HIS/HER HEART.  He or she chose you. 

Don't forget that. 

Now, your insecurities may stem from a few different places, like being cheated on in the past by girlfriends or boyfriends, or seeing a close family member cheat on their spouse. 

Perhaps you don't like yourself very much and so you doubt that you can compete with the outside competition and you wonder if your spouse is as loyal to you as you feel you are to him/her. 

Now, you can worry all day long. You can worry for your whole life. You can sit around and worry and live in fear that your spouse is going to cheat on you or is cheating on you, but that will do you no good.

The truth is your spouse may cheat on you.

At any given point in your married life, that is an option.

However, the likelihood of that happening if you are constantly worried about, fearful about, and talking about it is higher than if you lived a joyful life and didn't worry about the what if's of the future.

You have to be in control of you. 

Easier said than done, especially for those who have some level of anxiety about themselves, their bodies, their personalities, their weaknesses, or who feel they married "way up." 

A few words of encouragement to you, dear reader. 

Believe in yourself.
Have confidence in yourself.
Love yourself.
And take care of yourself. 

These are some of the things you can start focusing on instead of worrying if your spouse is cheating on you or not.

Start by becoming the most attractive person you can be. ​​

​You can do this by beginning today to take responsibility for what is in your court - 

Take full control of:

1. Your thoughts - Are you controlling your thoughts and praying to think no evil of anyone, and to be filled with love? Do you need to meet with a counselor to sort through your thoughts and feelings?

2. Your health - Are you taking care of you and feeling confident in your body?

3. Your work + hobbies & interests - Are you too engrossed in your work? Are you too busy? Are you making time to learn new things and to be a more interesting person? Are you pursuing things that bring you joy?

4. Your spirituality -  Are you drawing nearer to God? Are you listening to the truths He needs you to know - about yourself, your spouse, and the help that is available through His Son, Jesus Christ? Are you striving to become a more Christlike individual, because the more Christlike you become and the more you receive the fruits of the Spirit, the more attractive you will be to your spouse.

5. Your priorities + effort - What is getting your best time? Where are you giving all of your energy? Are you giving your all to your marriage, trying to speak your spouse's love language, being affectionate and intimate, serving your spouse, and using words of affirmation to confirm to your spouse that you love him/her?​

Now, there is only so much you can do.

However, you can feel confident that when you focus your efforts and energy on becoming a better you and nurturing your marriage, the chances of an emotional or physical affair wreaking havoc in your marriage lessen. 

Now, in conclusion - you can't control your spouse. You never will be able to. You can simply do your best to be the very best person you can be, and to be the kind of spouse you would want to be married to. If you can do that, your confidence will soar and your spouse will realize what they would be losing if they chased what appears to be "greener grass." 

It's true that the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's green where you water it. 

Now, you may be searching your heart right now and thinking about one or more of your personal relationships that you feel may be starting to become something more than just friendship. What can you do if you feel or recognize that your friendship with another person is crossing the boundaries of what is appropriate, normal, and safe? 

First off, please remember that it just isn't worth it.

Over time your new love will become old love and you will never be satisfied. 

Cheating on your spouse will never be okay and it will never make you happier. Ever. 

You can't have the best of both worlds. It's impossible. 

So, instead of trying to be happily married and have a fling on the side, decide to be all-in when it comes to your marriage. 

YOU NEED TO BE ALL-IN WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR MARRIAGE.

We love this quote from Thomas S. Monson,

"Choose your love; love your choice." 

You can't just keep changing your mind every time an attractive person comes along and catches your attention or gives you the time of day. 

You have to be focused on more than that.
​

• Who are you becoming and how can you become more trustworthy, loyal, and committed? 
• What do you want most in life? 
• What attracted you to your spouse in the first place?
• What was it that made you want to be committed to him/her for life?
• What are your hopes and dreams for the future?
• What is it about yourself that is causing you to turn outside of the relationship for attention? How can you instead find a healthier way to turn into your relationship to have your needs met? 

You have to be all in if you want your marriage to work.

If your marriage isn't working, ask yourself what is getting your time and attention? If it isn't your marriage, what is it? What is getting in the way? If it's another person, we would encourage you to cut off communication with that person and be ALL IN. That is the only way you will know if your marriage can work - if you are giving it 100% first. 

​Since the beginning of time adultery has a been a temptation, because we all have to learn loyalty, true love, commitment, sacrifice, and overcoming selfish and worldly desires. The truth is that there will always be other people who are attractive, fun, or interested in you or your spouse, so your choice always has to be to keep choosing each other and to stay away from those who would pull you apart. ​

Instead of looking to another person to meet your unmet needs, the real key is to turn heavenward and to let God meet those needs or lead you to healthy alternatives. (We talk about this in our new devotional book, which you two may want to try together!) 

Now all of this is easy to say and hard to implement, but even baby steps in the right direction can make a huge difference.

Being married to someone and sharing all of life with them presents struggle and challenges and invites miscommunication and hurt from time to time. 

However, we are 100% confident that you can be loyal if you choose to be. 

Pray every day for strength against temptation, for eyes to discern where you are getting distracted, and for strength and courage to give 100% to your marriage. 

Pray for specific ideas on how to become a better person and more happy and healthy and Christlike person.

Pray for specific ideas about how to serve your spouse - what can you do for him or her this day to help them feel your love and commitment and loyalty to them.

Pray for ideas about how to nurture your marriage, what steps to take, and how to improve your specific situation. 

God will answer your prayers, we are sure of it. 

READ: ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

Nurture your marriage.

And take care of yourself.

​And pray for strength against temptation. 

​Oh, and set boundaries. Together, as husband and wife. And talk about these boundaries as often as you feel you need to. 

So, what can you do? What boundaries can you set?

READ: NOT JUST FRIENDS - RECOVERING FROM AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

Well, you can talk about when it is okay to text people and when it isn't. We both text men and women we aren't married to regularly. Now, our purposes are usually to ask a question about something or to confirm something. We don't text just to check in and see how a man or woman we know is doing, or to share something funny. 

​​Yes, technology makes it so much easier to connect with others and makes the boundaries seem more blurry, but you can be confident that you will know what is appropriate and what isn't if you are seeking to listen to your heart and to the still, small voice of God's Spirit.

The very best boundary you can set is to check your heart and to ask yourself a few questions like, 

How would I feel if my spouse read this?
How would my spouse feel reading this?
What would my spouse think if they saw this picture?
Would I feel comfortable if my spouse watched my interactions with this person? 
How do I feel about this "other" person? 
Who are my thoughts focused on? 
Is this what I really want to pursue? Is it worth it?

If you have found yourself in a situation where you are going from A to B with someone other than your spouse, please consider taking the high road and cutting off communication with that person to the extent possible. Please give your marriage a chance first, and put all your time and energy and focus into YOUR marriage - into the spouse you chose and committed to be loyal to so long ago. 

​It will be worth it. 

We have confidence that no matter where you or your spouse may be, you can overcome this very real and very difficult struggle and come out better for it.

If trust has been broken, it can be rebuilt.
Forgiveness is real.
Things can get better. 
And you can choose a vibrant, loyal, happy, and healthy marriage. 

Now, we have only skimmed the surface here and there is so much more we could talk about - like rebuilding trust after trust has been broken - but it's a start. 

Let us know in the comments below what boundaries you have set, how you protect yourself from snooping/jealousy, and what has helped you and your spouse remain loyal to each other.

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Your marriage needs more cuddling.

It's true. 

No matter how many years you have been married, the one thing your marriage could always use more of is cuddling. 

That's the plain and simple truth. 

So we are here to tell you about the 7/7/7 Cuddling Experiment - what it is and why you and your spouse are going to want to try it - ASAP! 

The First 7

The first 7 stands for minutes = 7 minutes to be exact.

The 7/7/7 Cuddling Experiment is a week-long challenge where you and that amazing spouse of yours cuddle - intentionally - for 7 minutes a day. 

We know, you're in.

​7 minutes isn't long, but it is long enough for connection to happen. 

Easy peasy, right? 

READ: THE POWER OF A LUNCH DATE

The Second 7

The second 7 stands for days = 7 days in a row.

Yes, in a row. 

If you miss a day, start all over again. :) 

So, 7 minutes of cuddling every day for 7 days in a row. 

Totally doable, right?

The Third 7

The third 7 stands for 7 things that cuddling will do for your marriage.

​Before we list those 7 things though, let's review a few simple things.

What is cuddling?

According to Google,

Cuddling is a verb (action) that means: "Hold close in one's arms as a way of showing love or affection," along with "Lie or sit close and snug." (here)

You are liking those definitions, eh? We are, too. 

What cuddling is not

It's not foreplay. It absolutely could and should be a part of sexual intimacy, but that isn't the purpose of it. At least not for the 7/7/7 challenge.

If cuddling leads to more during this challenge, that is wonderful, but the purpose isn't to get you in the mood. Nope, not this time. This time we are going for connection. 

So, why cuddling? What is the purpose of cuddling?

​Here is where the third 7 comes into play.

The purpose of cuddling is connection.

That's right, connection. 

If you and that busy spouse of yours need one thing to improve your marriage this week, it is more connection. 

And cuddling is the perfect way to invite more connection into your marriage.

Repeat -

Cuddling is the perfect way to invite more connection into your marriage. 

Here are 7 benefits cuddling may/will bring you this week as you participate in this challenge:

1. You will spend time with your spouse every day. Naturally, in the busyness of everyday life, a lot of couples live together but don't make time to connect every day. Sure, they may chat quickly about something going on, but sometimes in the course of 24 hours, they don't make any time for their relationship. They let life get in the way. Not you. It doesn't seem like a lot, but seven minutes a day, spent together, can make all the difference in nurturing your marriage. 

2. You will have time to talk/chat/catch-up - if needed. Your cuddling session doesn't have to include talking, but naturally you or your spouse may feel like sharing. Plus, in the safety of each other's arms you will probably want to share more, and want to listen better.

3. You will feel more peace in your marriage. If there is any tension in your relationship, spending 7 minutes a day touching - sharing the same time and space - will calm those feelings of tension and invite more peace into your marriage. 

4. You will feel closer to your spouse. Physical touch invites all the feels - and cuddling will help you feel happier, closer, and more connected to your spouse.  

The following excerpt from an article from NPR.org provides a bit more information about oxytocin - aka, the cuddle hormone:

"...Oxytocin — also called the "cuddle hormone" — ...affects trust behaviors.

'Oxytocin is a neuropeptide, which basically promotes feelings of devotion, trust and bonding,' Hertenstein says.

Oxytocin levels go up with holding hands, hugging — and especially with therapeutic massage. The cuddle hormone makes us feel close to one another.

'It really lays the biological foundation and structure for connecting to other people,' Hertenstein says." (here)

Guidelines:

To get the best results, here are a few guidelines for the 7/7/7 cuddling experiment:

- Ideally, the cuddling should happen outside of bedtime. It can happen in the bedroom, but ideally outside of bedtime. Why? Because sometimes cuddling naturally happens at bedtime, and we are after more than the norm here. We are aiming for greater connection than what is already happening for you and your spouse. Got it? 

READ: HOW TO TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE

 - Aim to cuddle in one solid chunk of time. That's right. Ideally, you shouldn't break it up into 3 minutes here and 4 minutes there. Just keep it to a solid 7 minutes. 

- Try and be natural about it. We get that this may be awkward at first, but it is an experiment and with time, it will become more natural. 

- Ideally, tell your spouse about the experiment and get him or her on board. However, in some cases you may simply want to take your spouse by complete surprise and simply be intentional about cuddling with them every day, without them knowing what you are doing. 

- Make it work for you. This challenge isn't so much about meeting all the requirements and guidelines as it is about being intentional about expressing love through physical touch. Make it your own. 

So, will you join us in this simple yet powerful 7/7/7 cuddling challenge?

​Yay!

As you cuddle each day this week, greater attachment, security, safety, trust, and love will grow in your marriage. Yes, good things are going to come from this, friends. 

Please leave us a comment below and tell us how the 7/7/7 cuddling challenge goes for you!

Cheering you on!
Aaron & April

​Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

You may also enjoy 5 Ways to Be a More Confident Spouse and How to Protect Yourself from an Emotional Affair

Written by The Relate Institute

There you are, having a nice, relaxing evening sitting with your significant other watching a movie. You feel like the mood is right and you lean in for that kiss….only to have your partner quickly move the other direction or make a sarcastic comment back to you. Perhaps this particular scenario has never happened to you but almost anyone who has been in a relationship has experienced some form of rejection when they’ve attempted to initiate intimacy. Whether it’s a rejected kiss or a feeling that your spouse never wants to engage in sex anymore, sometimes it may feel like continuing to make these attempts is fruitless and frustrating. However, new research by the RELATE team of scholars has found that these attempts, even if unsuccessful, may actually help your relationship. Here are three important findings from a new study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships by Dr. Brian Willoughby and colleagues that may encourage you to continue your intimacy attempts:

If you try to be intimate but your partner says no, you may feel rejected in the moment when your partner doesn’t return your desire for intimacy. However, in the long run, research suggests you may actually feel better about your relationship. How can that be true? This is probably because as you continue to attempt intimacy, not all such advances are rejected and those that lead to intimacy create moments of bonding and connection. While it may be frustrating when you get rejected, remember that next time the feeling may be more mutual. When partners get discouraged and stop trying to be intimate, relationships begin to develop deeper and more long-term problems.

Again, this may seem counterintuitive since your partner might have rejected your advance, but even if your partner isn’t in the mood for a make-out session or sex, the fact that you are showing interest in them likely bolsters their self-esteem and makes them feel better and more secure in your relationship. Even if no intimacy occurs, research has suggested that attempting to be intimate may still make your partner feel better about both you and the relationship.  And that will likely lead to long-term benefits for both of you.
​

Not only can attempts to be intimate help with both partners’ perceptions of the relationship, it can actually help with the dynamics of the relationship as well. This is likely a two-way street. On the one hand, you will probably attempt intimacy in a relationship that already has positive communication and low conflict. But also, because the attempt to be intimate may help boost both partners’ satisfaction in the relationship, you may actually find yourself having better communication after such an attempt. This of course assumes that you don’t get pushy with your partner or let the rejection of intimacy lead to frustration or resentment.

Of course you should always keep in mind that none of this research is suggesting that you should push your partner into unwanted sexual or other intimate behaviors. In fact, Dr. Willoughby and his co-authors specifically discuss how sexual coercion was not a part of their study and should be avoided at all costs. However, these results do suggest that attempting intimacy with our romantic partner (even if we get rejected sometimes) may be an important part of normal and healthy relationship growth.  So next time you feel frustrated by the rejection of intimacy, take some solace in the fact that you might be improving your relationship health anyway!

​Remember, you can always learn more about your total relationship health by taking RELATE today.

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography 

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

Ever do a double take when your spouse walks by?

Did you do one when you first met?

​There are probably many reasons why you would look twice at your spouse, especially since your spouse should be the most attractive person to you. But why not look twice at other features? What do you see when you look inside? ​

Here’s a 5-minute Second Glance Chance Challenge - 

Whatever your spouse’s flaws, quirks, and imperfections may be, it’s time to put those on hold.

For just five minutes (at least) take the time to really see your spouse, and take note of the best in your better half.

Minute One:

Start with your spouse’s outward features.

Look at your spouse for one minute.

60 seconds straight.

What features do you notice? What are some of your favorite physical characteristics that you see?

It can be simple even. I’ve always been smitten with the crinkles that show up next to my husband’s eyes every time he smiles. Sappy, I know. But you know you’ve got sappy thoughts about your significant other too. So embrace the sappiness and take note of all things attractive about your spouse.

Great.

We’ve gotten that past us.

Your spouse should be physically attractive to you, and that’s important to recognize and to recognize often, but now on to the deeper things—the things we don’t always see on the first glance.

Give your spouse a chance with a second glance starting with minute two.

READ: 3 THINGS TO DO IF YOU ARE HAVING MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

Minute Two:

Time to take a look inside.

What’s usually on your spouse’s mind?
What are the things that make your spouse happy?
What do they like to do in their spare time?

Take note of your spouse’s dreams, goals, and accomplishments. Your spouse is unique and has their own thoughts and hopes that make them motivated to do what they do every day.

​As you notice these things, you may be reminded of some of the personality traits, dreams, and fun quirks that made you fall in love with your unique one-and-only spouse in the first place. ​

Top Photo Credit: Bryan Striegler Photo

You may also enjoy Do You Know Your Spouse's Apology Language and 20 Ways to Become a More Patient Spouse This Week

Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NCC, Gottman 7 Principles Trainer
​www.SynergyCounselingInnovations.com

A common complaint couples present me with is desire discrepancy.

Typically, the complaint is that one partner wants sex more and the other could either take it or leave it.

In long term heterosexual relationships, women typically need to feel emotionally connected before they can have sex. Men typically feel emotionally connected AFTER they have sex.

You can see how this can create contention.

He wants sex.
She doesn't.
They either don't have sex OR she has sex just to get it over with.

This creates feelings of resentment in both partners, but in men it often creates resentment that is fueled by a sense of rejection and not feeling connected to their partners. Attachment languages are different and the dialect of his language may vary from hers, which could also cause issues.

Sex then becomes a contentious issue between the couple, something that could be avoided if the couple were well informed about what was actually taking place between them.

From not having sex to having "meh sex," sex ruts are normal and everyone has them.

It's to be expected.

With times of high stress, kids, transitions, work, sickness, being on medication, having repressed resentment, feeling disconnected from your partner, not feeling good about yourself and your body, etc., you're likely to hit a sex rut at some point.

Don't freak out.

And certainly don't compare your reality to the fiction and fantasy on TV, in the movies, in books, and on social media.

There will be ebbs and flows.

You'll have your dry spells from time-to-time.

​Instead of stressing about how often you're not having sex, take a look at what's currently going on in your life, and in your partner's life, and see what could be contributing to the lack of sex. 

Causes Of Desire Discrepancy

One common cause is: couples don't make sex a priority.

Most couples operate under the false assumption that sex is supposed to be spontaneous. That sex just happens, independent of their own involvement. If it doesn't happen spontaneously, then the thought is "something is wrong." 

This narrative, fueled by our culture, is misleading and inaccurate.

Sex can be planned and scheduled, and it should be!

Think back to the beginning of your relationship, when you were dating. You planned everything. You planned and prepared for dates days in advance, covering all sorts of details down to what you would wear, where you would go, and what you would talk about. All that time leading up to the date built anticipation; it was a type of prolonged foreplay.

It was intentional.

Then, once you were in a long term relationship (LTR), you falsely assumed you no longer had to put in the time and effort because the relationship had been secured and would take care of itself.

This is a damaging myth that dominates LTR and desperately needs to be dispelled.

READ: THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR SPOUSE

Another cause for discrepancy is that people think desire is spontaneous.

IT'S NOT.

Couples typically have inaccurate information when it comes to how sexuality works. Here is what most people think happens: First you have desire, then you pursue sex, have sex, and then it's done. But that isn't how it really happens. This thinking is problematic because it's factually inaccurate.

Many people operate under the myth that if you don't spontaneously have desire then something is wrong. Even amid our busy lives, lives that often leave us exhausted and stressed with no time for ourselves, we're expected to have desire without any effort.

Sex researchers and educators will tell you that first PLEASURE happens, not desire. For most people, desire occurs as a response to pleasure.  

Desire is responsive...it responds to arousal, physical or mental.

Your brain notices sexually relevant information in your environment. That then allows you to feel good about the relevant information. Then your brain and your body respond to it. This response causes you to be curious and explore the information. It's that exploration, that curiosity, that gets you aroused.

So to have desire, you must first have arousal.

Many couples get caught up thinking that sex and desire are supposed to be spontaneous, something that just pops into existence out of thin air.

It doesn't work like that.

​The actual path is: pleasure, curiosity is aroused & you explore what has made you curious, and then desire.

Here's a non-sexual example of the arousal / desire system
 
You're driving through town and smell hamburgers. You weren't necessarily hungry before driving through town, and you weren't craving a hamburger. However, when the delicious aroma of the hamburger (the relevant stimuli) enters your nose and hits your brain, you experience pleasure at the smell of the food and the memories of past delicious hamburger experiences.

You recall how wonderful hamburgers taste. You begin thinking about how delicious a hamburger would be. Then you seek one out. You stop and get a hamburger.

So you received pleasure first, the aroma of the hamburger (relevant information in your environment). You didn't desire to have a hamburger prior to smelling it. Once you encountered the stimuli of the hamburger (the smell), you started to feel good about the idea of having a hamburger - "Hey, I think I want a hamburger." Then your brain and body responded, and this caused you to explore your options for having a hamburger. You sought one out because now you wanted (or desired) a hamburger.  

Another factor in desire discrepancy is related to Breaks and Accelerators.

Our brain has a sexual system that is made up of 2 parts - The Excitation System (accelerator) and the Inhibitor System (breaks). Both these systems work together.

We each have a set of breaks and accelerators.

We inherit some of our breaks from our culture and some from our own direct personal experience.

A lot of people have an overactive breaking system. Often, when people have too many breaks they struggle sexually. The key isn't to add more stimulation (to hit the accelerator harder and more frequently), it's to remove some of the stuff that activates your breaks.

The Excitation System (accelerator) is made up of all the things that move us towards wanting to have sex. These things could be the way our partner looks in their work clothes, seeing our partner in their element, feeling good about yourself, being playful with your partner, experiencing new things with each other, etc.

The Inhibitor System (breaks) this system is made up of all the stuff that will slam the door on you wanting to have sex. These things actually keep you from moving towards sex and can lead you to avoid sex. Feeling tired, stressed, anxious, depressed, having feelings of resentment, feeling overweight, previous experiences that were not good, religious/moral barriers, beliefs about sex from growing up that were implicitly or explicitly passed onto you, etc.

So now that you understand desire, accelerators, and breaks better, here are 5 things you can do to increase your desire for sex. 

5 Things You Can Do When You Have Lost the Desire for Sex

1. Plan sex.

Yes, put it in your calendar. It may not sound "sexy" or "spontaneous,” but block out time on your calendar where you know you won't have other commitments and distractions, and devote that time slot to being with your partner.

You don't necessarily have to have the expectation of sex, just create a window of opportunity for sex to happen. The idea is that if you have a devoted time blocked off, you have a target to look forward to, something to build anticipation, something to think about because you'll have days to wonder about it.

Sex begins in the brain.

So, if you don't have a "sex" appointment with your partner yet, make sure you create a standing appointment.

What you do with that block of time is totally up to you two, but have fun. Your imagination is the limit!

2. Sex First, Food Second.

If you have a date night, great! Have sex before you get dinner.

No one wants to have sex when they are bloated, have gas, and are tired. This often leads to feelings of disappointment when the night does not go as imagined.

​Sex, then dinner.

3. Identify your Breaks and your Accelerators.

Find out what your breaks and accelerators are.

Minimize the breaks (don't focus on adding accelerators, that actually doesn't help...you want to remove as many breaks as possible).

You want to eliminate the stuff that hits the breaks for you.

What are your inhibiting thoughts?
Do you think sex will be dull?
That your partner won't be into it?
Do you worry about performance? (Performance anxiety often creates avoidance in this area, which leads to further disconnection.)
Are you worried about being interrupted?  
Are you preoccupied with your 'to-do' list?
Are you easily distracted?
​What's the imagery that stops you?

Analyze your breaks and your level of engagement with the breaks.

How invested are you at maintaining your breaks?  

Lock the door if you're worried about someone walking in. If you are easily distracted, remove the distracters (turn off the TV, silence your devices and put them out of sight) Is the relationship reinforcing the breaks? For you to want to have sex, it has to be sex worth wanting. So, what is the kind of sex that you have now that's worth having? Cultivate more of that.

READ: MARRIAGE IS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE
​
Take a self-inventory of your breaks (inhibitors) and your accelerators (exciters) and share them with your partner. You both need to have a candid discussion about these. What accelerators and breaks do you both share? How can you help remove some of the breaks for each other?

Work together as a team to create an environment that decreases your breaks and increases your accelerators.

Some breaks will require some serious attention that may require the guidance of a therapist, things like guilt, shame, disgust, moral conflicts, trauma, etc.

So make sure you don't overlook those breaks, and if you have any of these, consult with a qualified therapist to help you unpack and relocate those breaks.

4. Be willing.

Make it a habit to willingly engage in activities that will generate arousal.

Come up with some ideas that will get you in the mood. By doing this, you’ll be helping to maintain the connection between you and your partner. When couples feel connected, they report greater relationship satisfaction. If you feel connected and satisfied in your relationship, be willing to engage in things that will promote arousal that will lead to desire. These things can be mental or physical.

Dancing is a great way to generate arousal, so is exercising together, trying new things, and reading.

Just know that if you are willing to enter into a sexual space, arousal and desire will often follow.

Just start, and see if the brain and body join in the conversation...they often do.

READ: FOREPLAY ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT YOU THINK

​5. Focus on foreplay.

Foreplay is essential for both partners.

Don’t confuse, or confine, foreplay with the few minutes leading up to sex. It’s PLAY that helps generate arousal and connection and can last days if you do it right.

Women often feel desire AFTER arousal, and it often takes women 20-45 minutes to get to the peak of arousal, which is  why foreplay shouldn't be neglected.

Foreplay should be a staple and it doesn't have to be restricted to the moments before sex. NO! Think outside of that parameter. Set your expectations for sex aside, sex isn’t the goal, the goal is to engage with your partner in an activity that will generate arousal in some way.

Your imagination is your only limit here. Leave notes for your partner to find, send random text messages during the day to connect, take the initiative and make reservations mid-week at a restaurant just because, and meet your partner there after work.

Foreplay means consistently initiating and engaging in activities that generate arousal and connection.

Conclusion

It's important that people recognize, and understand, that some ambivalence when it comes to sex is totally normal.

Now that you have a better, and more factual, understanding of how desire works, start taking the necessary steps outlined above to tackle obstacles keeping you and your partner at odds.

​Remember, sex begins in the brain, so devote your attention and energy accordingly.  

Read more from Crystal here.
​
​Photo Credit: Bryan Striegler Photo

You may also enjoy Nurture: 100 Practical Tips for Marriage and The Best Marriage Advice Around

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

Should you have an emotional affair? 

​No. 

You should not have an emotional affair.

You just shouldn't. 

Why? 

Here are six reasons you should be aware of. 

1. An emotional affair will never make you happy. 

It's impossible to be cheating on your spouse and breaking promises you made on your wedding day and to still be happy. You may think you are happy for a time, but that happiness will lead to sorrow and regret in the end (or before the end).

2. An emotional affair will lead to a physical, full-blown affair. 

Naturally. What you thought was innocent and fun and "not a big deal," will very quickly escalate into more. You don't want that. 

3. An emotional affair will hurt your spouse, damage your marriage, and hurt your children. 

Big time. It's hard to even explain all the damage that can be done, but think of your spouse and think of your children. Do you want to hurt them and distance yourself from them? We didn't think so. Emotional affairs will distance you from your spouse and try to convince you why you don't/shouldn't love your spouse anymore. That's dangerous.

4. An emotional affair won't solve your problems. 

It will simply create new ones. If you thought that an emotional affair was your escape from your problems, or from your rocky relationship with your spouse, or from any other hard reality that stresses you out, you are wrong.

Emotional affairs create new problems. Big problems. Real problems. Ones you can't really escape from, but have to face head on 

5. An emotional affair will make you feel bad about yourself. 

Making poor choices will lead you to lose confidence in yourself, to doubt yourself and your ability to make good choices, and will invite a great deal of sadness into your life.

Lying, hiding, and feeling guilty is not the recipe for a happy and healthy life. 

6. An emotional affair, if it causes you to divorce your spouse and marry your "lover," will never lead to the kind of happiness you want in a relationship. 

​How can you trust your new spouse when you both cheated on your old spouses together? Starting a relationship without trust is going to make for a very tough beginning together. ​

However, we don't want to discourage you.

Well, we do want to discourage you from having an emotional affair, but we don't want to discourage you if you have had one, or are having one, and you want to change, or you're even thinking about changing.

We're only sharing these truths because we want to help you AVOID emotional affairs by doing one simple thing.

One Secret to Help You Avoid an Emotional Affair...

You can avoid an emotional affair by doing this one simple thing.

​Are you ready to hear it? 

Nurture your marriage.

That's right. 

You simply need to nurture your marriage. 

That's it. 

Take care of your marriage.

Put all of your time, thought, and energy into your marriage and not into a fleeting affair. 

And then you will be happy. Or, at least you will be happier. 

You are right, your marriage may not be perfect. Your spouse may not reciprocate in just the right way. And life will still have trials and stresses and challenges. 

However, you can be happy when you choose to do what is right, and to do your part to think of your spouse first, to find ways to meet his or her needs, and to do all you can to create the type of marriage that you have always hoped for.

If you want to learn a few little things you can do to nurture your marriage this week, read

First Dates are for Married Couples, Too!
10 Reasons You & Your Spouse Need a Romantic Getaway
What Love Looks Like
The Art of Being a More Patient Spouse
and
Is Love Really a Choice?

Happy nurturing!
 ~ Aaron & April
​
Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography

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You may know the feeling. You were just introduced to your new co-worker and there was an immediate chemistry between the two of you. The only problem? You're married. 

Or perhaps you have been spending a lot of time with your best friend and her husband, listening to them and encouraging them along during a rocky time in their marriage. Recently you have felt something more than just friendship for her husband, who confides in you often, and you are worried that this connection you two share isn't appropriate or right. 

Or maybe your ex-girlfriend is in town and invited you to dinner, just to catch up "after all of these years."

How can you protect yourself from the possibility of an emotional affair? 

Emotional affairs often begin innocently and slowly, often without you even realizing they are happening.

If you want to protect yourself from an emotional affair, be wise, pay attention, and don't let what happened to Joe & Raegan happen to you. 

​Joe & Raegan

Joe met Raegan at work. They saw each other every day and naturally got to know each other pretty well. Raegan was single, ambitious, and outgoing.

She and Joe were on the same team (Joe was her Senior Manager), had the same clients, worked on the same projects together, and always ended up on the same work trips together.

It was easy for Raegan to talk to Joe and he always had good advice for her. They both liked politics, and they also liked the same TV shows, so they always had a lot to talk about when they were stuck in airports together or eating lunch with other team members or clients. 

Joe found himself enjoying spending time with Raegan and he felt like she respected him and looked up to him. She would always compliment him on things he did well and she stroked his ego in just the right way. 

Raegan was single and not necessarily looking for love. She had recently broken up with a long-time boyfriend and didn't think she was quite ready for another relationship.

However, she was starting to feel a spark of romance about her friendship with Joe. He always gave her his complete attention, often commented on how nice she looked, and always had a listening ear for her to vent frustrations about extended family, her ex, or politics. He was gentle, kind, and respectful, and he had a marvelous sense of humor. She loved how he could make her laugh - genuinely laugh - on a daily basis. 

Joe was married to Beth, and from what he had told Raegan, Beth complained and whined about life all the time. Apparently Beth never had anything interesting to talk about, and she had kind of let herself go. Joe didn't like being home because he felt like he could never do anything right, and that Beth didn't appreciate or respect him at all. 

READ: YOUR SPOUSE NEEDS PHYSICAL AFFECTION

Joe & Raegan didn't necessarily recognize how much they loved spending time together. However, as the days went on, they found themselves eating lunch together, texting back and forth, and sending each other funny meme's and jokes via Facebook. They randomly decided to start running together three times a week, after Raegan convinced Joe and a few others from their team to run a 10k with her. They found that this was a fun way to fit in a workout and hang out together. 

While flirting and complimentary words were often exchanged, Joe & Raegan never held hands, cuddled, kissed, or were physically close in any way. They simply shared a beautiful friendship. 

Or was it?

Secrets, Lies, and Facades

Raegan only felt a little bit bad about spending so much time with a married man. She honestly wasn't worried about it because she knew that Joe didn't really like his wife, Beth, and that they would end up getting divorced someday.

Plus, it was kind of fun being secretive and making sure that Beth never found out about the two of them.

For Joe, things were a bit more difficult.

He felt guilty all the time and only escaped his feelings of guilt when he was around Raegan. She helped him feel justified in the feelings he felt about Beth and she always tried to help him forget the reality of the life that awaited him back at home. 

Joe hated keeping secrets from his wife though, and was constantly deleting texts and feeling anxious about being caught. Beth was kind of snoopy and it annoyed Joe that she always asked him who he was texting. He would always say he was texting his boss, which was a lie, but he knew the truth would hurt Beth, so he felt like lying was simply a way to protect Beth from being hurt. 

For the most part Joe was able to keep Raegan a secret from Beth - he even would intentionally complain about "Raegan" (who was beautiful and classy and very accomplished) by referring to her as the "kind of heavy" girl at work who is lazy and mostly clueless about her work, in order to ensure that Beth would never worry about him when he was on business trips with Raegan. 

Things Got Ugly

Well, these kinds of secretive affairs never can last long, and so just like every other affair, one day the secret was out.

​Yes, everything unraveled - as it always does - when a neighbor made a comment to Joe's wife in the grocery store,

"I saw you and Joe running the other morning and was so impressed. Are you two training for a race?" Joe's wife laughed as she responded that she never runs with Joe, and that the neighbor must have mistaken Joe for someone else.

However, the neighbor insisted she saw Joe running, and with another woman, then she even laughingly suggested it must be Joe's girlfriend. Beth started putting pieces of the puzzle together and realized that it probably was Joe's girlfriend and that Joe had probably been cheating on her for quite some time now. 

She confronted Joe at the office that afternoon - in front of Raegan - and things got ugly. Real ugly. 

Fast Forward...

Joe told Beth that the reason he cheated on her emotionally was because he felt like Raegan met his needs. And she made him feel good about himself. She was a fun friend. She liked the same things he liked. She was confident, competent, and cute. And she didn't complain about life. 

Beth was completely devastated, and she often felt worthless and depressed. Her husband was completely attached to, and in love with, another woman. He needed another woman - Raegan - because she met his needs. 

Beth started to wonder what would happen if she made some changes, and if she could start to meet Joe's needs, just as Raegan had done. 

Although Joe had been unfaithful to her emotionally, Beth still felt that there was hope for their marriage. 

After talking with Joe she realized that the emotional affair wasn't as ugly as she thought. Joe & Raegan hadn't been physical at all (if Joe was telling the truth, and she wasn't sure he was), and that made her feel a little better.

Joe recognized his error and took responsibility for his poor choice. He knew that no matter what Beth did or didn't do, there were and never would be excuses for his affair. He knew that affairs are always wrong. They are what they are - a form of cheating, lying, dishonesty, and carelessness on the thought of the spouse who chooses to cheat. He recognized that he was thinking only of himself and his needs, and not about the promises he made on his wedding day so long ago.  

Joe started to wonder about what he could be doing to draw closer to Beth, rebuild trust, and to strengthen their friendship with each other. 

Beth was ready to make changes in her own life and to completely forgive Joe, and although they now faced big obstacles - including major trust issues - both Beth & Joe were both ready to start over and begin to heal from the wounds of this emotional affair as they intentionality nurtured their marriage. 

Once Beth & Joe both realized what went wrong, they were in a better place to focus on what to do in order to build their relationship and protect against the danger of future affairs. 

READ: ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

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There you are, asking your good friend Google if you are having an emotional affair.

If you are asking, then your question is probably your answer. 

If you aren't sure, but you kinda-think-you-might-be having an emotional affair, you probably are. 

That's okay.

Recognizing your error is the first step to correcting it and making changes, so you are in the right place.

It's not too late to stop and to change!

You may have had some of the following thoughts before:
​

• Is texting a person of the opposite sex, just because, cheating? 
• Is going out to lunch with a friend of the opposite sex (without telling your spouse), cheating? 
• If you email a girl at work regularly about hobbies you both enjoy, are you having an emotional affair? 
• Is it cheating to message an old boyfriend back and forth?
• Is thinking about another man cheating? 
• Is it okay for me (a married person) to have a crush on someone other than my spouse, without that person or my spouse ever knowing it?

If you have ever wondered if you are having an emotional affair, or if you are cheating on your spouse, it's important to recognize what an emotional affair is and what it is not. 

What an Emotional Affair is Not

1. An emotional affair is not one-sided. An emotional affair takes two. If you are thinking about someone, or have a crush on someone, or you just feel connected with someone, and they don't know about it and don't reciprocate those feelings, that is kind of creepy and not right, but it isn't an emotional affair. It is a form of cheating, because you are thinking about someone other than your spouse, but it isn't an emotional affair. 

2. An emotional affair is not a real, platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex that your spouse knows about. If you have friendships with members of the opposite sex from before you were married, and there is zero chemistry between you two, then doing something together with that friend is not cheating on your spouse. We wouldn't recommend it, because feelings CAN change, but boundaries can be set and as long as your spouse knows about it, it isn't an emotional affair.

3. An emotional affair is not a professional connection with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Even if you do spend a lot of time together.

4. Having relationships with members of the opposite sex, even if they are attractive members of the opposite sex, isn't an emotional affair. It's real life. And it's perfectly fine and acceptable, as long as you are respectful and professional in your boundaries and friendship. ​

Am I having an emotional affair?

So, we didn't answer your question. Are you having an emotional affair?

10 questions you should ask yourself...

An easy way to know if you are cheating on your spouse and having an emotional affair - or if you are eve getting close - is to ask yourself a few questions, and to HONESTLY answer them:

1. If my spouse read the texts between me and this person, what would he/she think?
2. Would I want my spouse listening in on my conversations with this person?
3. Does my friendship with this person bring feelings of excitement, novelty, and romance?
4. Do I flirt with this person, even in small ways?
5. Do I look forward to being around this person?
6. Do I feel attached/addicted to this person, like I can't live without them? 
7. What would my co-workers tell my spouse about my friendship with this person? 
8. Do I text/email/talk about anything sexual with this person, even though we haven't been sexual together?
9. Am I intentionally lying to my spouse, hiding things, or being secretive about this person? Aka, does my spouse know about this person and about my relationship with them? 
10. Do I feel bad, guilty, or wrong about my relationship with this person?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you should take a step back and honestly evaluate your choices. Think about where they will lead you. 

You know yourself best. If you pay attention to your inner feelings, you will know if you are having an emotional affair or not. 

Once more, if you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, guilty, sad, depressed, or discouraged as you think about your secretive friendship, then it's probably time to cut ties completely and make things right. 

It's time to stop cheating on your spouse. 

Instead of trying to find out what the "boundaries" are and if you are cheating, decide to stay as far away from the "boundaries" as possible and to be the most loyal, loving spouse that you can be.

That choice is in your hands, dear friend.

You can get back on track, and fast. Just decide to do it. Decide to put all the energy you were putting into your "other relationship" back into nurturing your marriage, and you will see that doing things right feels good. Really good.

You've got this! And we are cheering you on.

Happy nurturing!

​~ Aaron & April 

​Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Other good reads - 

56 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
The Night our First Marriage Ended 
10 Ways of Showing Complete Fidelity in Marriage

Marriage.

That beautiful thing that can be so rewarding and so frustrating, so exciting and so boring, so hard and so natural, so real and so raw, so ugly and so beautiful, and so yours to own, nurture, and take care of.

Couples the world over have marriage problems. Big ones and small ones. 

We're here to offer a very simple, almost too simple, answer to the majority of your past, present, and future marriage problems - at least the petty ones. (**Now, there may be deep, hard, and big issues you and your spouse are currently facing. We're not here to say this is the one cure-all answer to your problems, because in specific situations, it may not be, but read on and see if it can help.) 

This one simple suggestion may help you more than you realize. 

The answer is more sex.

Yes, the answer is sex.
More sex.
Your marriage needs more sex.

Simple, right? 

Let us explain.

Problem: My wife annoys me. 
Answer: More sex.

Problem: My husband spends too much money.
Answer: More sex.

READ: 4 WAYS TO USE GROUPON TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Problem: My wife nags me every day.
Answer: More sex.

Problem: My husband is always late to everything.
Answer: More sex.

Problem: My wife is a big flirt (with other men). 
Answer: More sex.

Problem: My husband is super busy and stressed all the time.
Answer: More sex.

Problem: My wife is always impatient with me.
Answer: More sex.

Written by Aaron & April Jacob

​So you want to fall in love again (with your spouse, of course)? Bravo! Things are lacking a bit of luster these days, are they? You're not alone. If you've been married more than a few years there's a good chance that those butterfly feelings have flitted away as you and your spouse have grown "used" to each other.

You might be saying to yourself, "But, I'm already married...can we really fall in love again, like back in the day?" Of course you can! 

Enter, scientific intervention that will make you "fall in love," with your spouse all over again...voila! Trust us, this experiment is something you have to at least try - it's pretty cool. 

I recently stumbled upon this article (loved it), which tested out this study by Arthur Aron. It's all really quite fascinating when you apply it to married life.

So, here are the requirements for my version of the "experimental study." 

• Go to a romantic place. 
• Sit across from your husband or wife.
• Ask each other a series of questions  (here). (For more great questions that invite a deeply intimate and emotional connection, check out our new marriage devotional book here!)
• Stare into each other's eyes for four minutes. 

Pretty simple, right? All with the goal of a closer connection and deeper sense of intimacy and attachment to your spouse. Dreamy, right? 

Just think of it - you're going to take your spouse to dinner, and you're both going to act like you did before he snored so loudly, she cluttered up your desk, and there always seemed to be another bill to pay. 

You're going to sit across from each other and coyly, openly, and refreshingly talk over dinner. And into dessert. And beyond. You're not going to talk about how the food tastes, or what you need to do in the yard tomorrow, or something your neighbor told you. Rather, you're going to actually have a real, deep, meaningful conversation again. Shocking, I know. None of this sit-across-from-each-other-and-make-small-talk thing that married couples in restaurants do these days. 

You are going to ask each other 36 questions over the course of an hour and a half (or more), and have a quality conversation. It's going to be renewing... and awesome.

And it's going to be intimate. 

Why? Because you'll be connecting on a deeper, more emotional level again. And you know what? 

That's attractive. Super attractive! 

That connection is going to attract you to each other in ways you have long forgotten. The flame will be rekindled. Just trust me. 

You might like...36 Questions That Will Help You Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again

Ralph and Susan had been married for 13 years with two adorable children. Their suburban life was packed with work, school, and the kids’ extra-curricular activities. Neither made their marriage a priority, but overall they felt their relationship was good.
​
Susan withheld her suspicion when she noticed that Ralph was on his phone more than usual. At times she couldn’t help but ask “What’s going on?” only to receive “Nothing. Just checking the news,” or “There’s a lot of drama at the office that I need to take care of.” She trusted him.

When Susan discovered that Ralph had been texting another woman, she was devastated. Her world came crashing down. In her mind, Ralph was not the kind of person to ever have an affair.

Ralph lied about it at first. He felt like he needed to protect Susan from the ugly truth. But as more evidence came out, he couldn’t lie anymore. He was having an affair.

He didn’t know how he had got involved so deeply with someone else. It just happened. He and a co-worker had become close friends over time. It felt good to have someone to talk to who listened and made him feel special. He hadn’t had that in a long time with Susan.

During the affair he had to convince himself that Susan didn’t care. He felt she wasn’t interested in him sexually anymore. They were more like roommates than soulmates.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist, I have heard many versions of this story in my couples therapy practice over the last 15 years. An affair, whether emotional or sexual, is devastating. Both partners suffer tremendous pain. But an affair does not have to mean the end.

The PTSD of an Affair

​The betrayed partner experiences a tidal wave of emotion. The pain, hurt, anger, humiliation, and despair are overwhelming. After the traumatic moment the affair is realized, they become fearful, anxious, and hypervigilant, wondering where or when the next blow is going to come – not unlike symptoms of PTSD felt by military veterans.

Their mind races with thoughts of What don’t they know? What’s the whole story? Scenes of their partner with someone else appear in their mind when awake and when asleep, making life a living nightmare.

The Guilt of Betrayal

The betrayer also experiences a great deal of emotion. The hopeless feeling of witnessing your partner in pain and knowing you can do nothing to alleviate their suffering is a horrible experience. The feelings of guilt, shame, and humiliation are almost unbearable.

So, what causes an affair? Why do partners choose to cheat? The answers are complicated and may take months to unravel.

Recovering From an Affair

Is it possible to recover from an affair? The answer for most couples is yes.

Many couples I’ve worked with have actually created a stronger, more emotionally connected, and richer relationship from the ashes of an affair. However, it’s not quick or easy. As with any serious injury, it takes time to heal. And it usually takes therapy.

It’s tempting to think that it will automatically get better with time. The problem with “sweeping it under the rug” is that the anxiety, fear, anger, and guilt felt early on by the betrayed person often give way to resentment – a slow seething anger that leads to total contempt for the betrayer. Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that contempt is deadly in relationships and very difficult to recover from.

Couples therapy can help partners explore and understand what happened. The betrayed partner needs to have their questions answered, such as:

• When did you meet?
• Where did you meet?
• How long did the affair last?

The betrayed partner attempts to understand how it happened and how they can prevent it from happening again. They also seek consistency in the stories from one telling to the next. Do I know everything? Are you lying to me now? These questions are best asked and answered in the emotionally safe environment of a therapist’s office.

It is best not to ask questions about the specifics of the sexual nature of the affair. Those questions usually do more bad than good in that they conjure up images that might haunt the betrayed partner’s thoughts.

When the betrayed partner feels that they have all the answers they need, the couple can begin to work on rebuilding trust. Couples like Susan and Ralph have turned away from each other in many small ways over time, which compounds into the feelings that ultimately led Ralph astray. They neglected the relationship.

Once couples process what happened, they need to begin to tune back into each other. Susan and Ralph found that they avoided each other to avoid conflict. Tuning back in requires dialoguing about problems – both ongoing perpetual problems and past issues that might have caused some injury to the relationship.

Recognize that Conflict is Inevitable

​Conflict is a natural part of your happily ever after. Every relationship has conflict due to different values, beliefs, and philosophies of life. When these differences are discussed safely, and when honored and respected, the couple will experience greater intimacy. At times this can feel uncomfortable and take some push and pull. Communication skills provided by a therapist can help the navigation of these discussions go more smoothly.

Once the couple has tuned back into each other, it will be helpful to create some meaningful rituals to stay connected. Couples can be creative about ways to do that which are special and unique to them. One couple I worked with decided to have morning coffee together for 30 minutes. They would discuss the events of the day, check in with each other emotionally, and take the time to really listen to each other’s hearts.

Another couple developed a ritual of a bubble bath after the kids were in bed. They said they did their best talking in their big round Jacuzzi tub.

Sexual and emotional betrayals are a hefty blow to a relationship, but an affair does not have to be the end. Couples who have the emotional fortitude to reach out and seek the help they need can create a much more meaningful and intimate relationship in the aftermath of infidelity.

Has your relationship experienced a sexual or an emotional affair? The Gottman Institute is currently seeking couples for an international study on affair recovery. For more information, click here.

2. Loyal spouses use the internet and social media in positive and uplifting ways. 

They keep their interactions with members of the opposite sex appropriate and distanced. They keep their eyes, hands, and hearts to themselves. They avoid tempting situations. They focus instead on using the internet and social media in positive ways. They avoid pornography and other inappropriate images, chatrooms, and websites that would cause them to be unfaithful to their spouse in their heart or mind.

​READ: 10 WAYS TO CONNECT WITH YOUR SPOUSE

5. Loyal spouses keep their interactions with members of the opposite sex professional and appropriate. 

They act as though they would if their spouse was right there with them. Loyal spouses keep a healthy distance between themselves and members of the opposite sex. They don’t flirt, touch, or tease members of the opposite sex. Ladies, this means that you don’t tell your male co-worker every last detail about everything in your life. You don’t have nicknames for each other and share inside jokes. Men, that means you don't gently touch your female co-worker's shoulder when you come up from behind to ask her a question. You remain professional, friendly, loyal, and kind.

6. Loyal spouses make decisions, together as husband and wife (regardless of what their parents, neighbors, friends, and co-workers think).  

They don’t do things because his mom told them that’s the way to do it. They talk through issues and important decisions together and decide what is best for their individual family. They also don’t make important decisions on their own, without consulting each other. Which leads us to #7...

9. Loyal spouses prioritize their spouse above all else. 

Loyal spouses give their time, energy, and talents to serving their spouse. They put each other first - above work, above hobbies, above crafting, above golfing, above cleaning the house, above friends, above extended family, above babies. Loyal spouses don’t let children take priority over their spouse. That certainly doesn't mean they don't give needed and undivided attention to their children. It simply means they remember at all times that the one of the greatest sources of comfort and security a child can have is to know their parents love each other.

10. Loyal spouses give high priority to the nurturing of their marriage.

Loyal spouses keep the promises they made to each other on the day they were married. Loyal spouse don't run away when challenges arise. Rather, they learn to work through challenges in healthy ways.

Loyal spouse are each other’s best friends. They cultivate romance, love, and intimacy on a regular basis. They remember each other’s birthdays and anniversaries. They encourage and stand by each other during stressful and challenging times.

Loyal spouses give their best selves to their spouse, rather than leaving them with the leftovers. They strive to be better for each other each and every day and love sincerely and deeply.

Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography

So, you want your husband to be more romantic? You wish he would bring you flowers every week like he did when you were dating, or take you on moonlight strolls through the park?

​These five suggestions may help bring a little romance back into your marriage. 

Taking Stock with The Five Love Languages

What is it you really want when you say you want your husband to be a romantic? Do you want him to bring you lovely little gifts from time to time - jewelry, flowers, chocolate, etc? Or do you really want him to woo you and take you on romantic dates to fancy restaurants, concerts, etc?

Are you aching for a deep emotional connection with him? A connection where you can share your thoughts, worries, hopes and dreams with him, and where he wants to share those things with you. Do you wish he would do more things to make your life easier? Surprise you with breakfast in bed, a clean house, a girl's night out, a shopping trip? Or are you hoping for him to romance you with sweet nothings in your ear, compliments about your appearance, or constant expressions of his love through word, note and song?

Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages (go here to learn more) may help you better understand what it is you hope for in a "romantic" husband. It will also help you understand what your husband wants and needs from you. 

In addition to understanding each other's love languages, these five suggestions may help. 

1. Have realistic expectations. 

In all reality, your husband probably isn't Mr. Darcy. Sorry to burst your bubble. However, for all you know, he may think he is. He may very well think he's the most romantic guy in the world and may not even realize that you don't feel the same way. So, take a step back and recognize all the little things he is doing - romantic things like picking up his socks, taking out the garbage, or carrying the laundry basket upstairs. From time to time he may even get really romantic and fill up your car with gas, hug you when you get out of the shower, or kiss you goodbye when he leaves.

The bottom line is to have realistic expectations. Your marriage may not look like a chapter out of Pride and Prejudice, and that's okay. Be thankful and delighted in any little thing your husband does to express his love. 

READ: DO YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SPOUSE BETTER? TAKE THE RELATE ASSESSMENT TODAY!

2. Take the lead and be romantic.

Write your husband love letters and spray them with perfume. Buy a little gift for him and leave it on the seat of his car. Plan a romantic dinner-date at home, including soft music, candles, and delicious food. Email him a quote that expresses how you feel about him. Call him during your lunch break just to say, "I love you." Make sure from time to time that you make a special effort to look extra nice for him. Spend time doing the things he loves.

In all of this, you shouldn't simply "be romantic," to try and get your husband to be more romantic. Because, in all honesty, this isn't all about you. It's about showing your husband that you love him and determining to be intentional about it. So find out how your husband best receives love (take that quiz!) and then get to work!

Even with all of your efforts, your husband may not catch on to your desire for him to be more romantic. That is okay. You may need to kindly show, and tell, him the specific things you like, which leads to number three. 

5. Recognize what romance really looks like.

In all of this, it's important to remember what romance really looks like.  Most people tend to think of romance as roses, chocolate, and candle-light dinners, but perhaps the truest romance your husband offers you is his selfless love, his constant companionship, and his genuine loyalty to you and to your family. You see, he really is a romantic, in the deepest, truest kind of way. He is your strength, your support, your best friend, and your companion. You lucky woman, you. Now, go let him know how much you appreciate the incredible man that he is.

Photo Credit bottom photo: Crooze Photography

I recently stumbled upon a fascinating paragraph from the book "Love is a Decision," by Gary Smalley & John Trent. It caught my eye because I agree with it whole-heartedly. As I've done a bit more research, I've realized how true this tip is for BOTH men and women.

So, what was the tip that caught my eye and that may immediately improve your physical and emotional relationship with your spouse? 

It was this:

"...8 to 10 meaningful touches a day is really a minimum requirement for a woman [or man] to stay emotionally and physically healthy." (Love is a Decision, page 147)

This statement was obviously referring to women alone, but I think it applies equally to men.

8 to 10? Can you imagine how close, intimate, and connected you would feel with your spouse if you both made the intentional effort to touch each other in some small way, whenever you saw each other throughout the day?

Talk about a way to get "in the mood!"

Talk about a way to feel safe, secure, and content in your relationship!

According to love experts, Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz,

"The simple truth is, the best marriages engage in a lot of touching, and sex is only one form of touching."

Yes, you read that right. "Sex is only ONE form of touching." So, what are the other forms and why are they important? There are so many different ways to touch your spouse, but here are 25 to try this week.

Written by The Relate Institute

Sex. It’s everywhere! It’s on TV, movies, the internet, magazines. And yet, for many couples, sex remains somewhat a mystery. Many couples enter into sexual relationships assuming that their sex lives will be like what they’ve seen in the media, only to find that *gasp* it’s quite different. So then they turn to magazines and internet articles, searching for tips and tricks on improving their sex life, only to find that what those articles recommend just might not work for them. So, where can you find foolproof techniques for improving your intimate relationship? Turns out that researchers have been searching for that answer…

READ: EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FLIRTING IN MARRIAGE

New research from Australian scholars shows that communication between partners about their sexual relationship can significantly increase sexual satisfaction in couples. Simply stated: talking about sex with your partner can improve your sex life. Now, this may seem like a no-brainer. But many new couples avoid talking about the details of their sex lives together because of fear, embarrassment, or not wanting to hurt their partner. How can you and your partner talk about your intimate relationship? Below are three ways you can enhance communication about sex in your relationship. 

1. Get comfortable talking about sex.

For some people, talking about sex is natural, fun, and easy. But for others, talking about sex may be embarrassing and scary. Learning about your own sexuality (i.e. how your own body works)  is one way that you can become more comfortable talking about sex. Understanding your partner’s sexuality (i.e. how his/her body works) may also make it easier to feel comfortable talking with him/her. Seeking out advice or knowledge from trusted family and friends is one way to learn more about sexuality. Reading reputable books recommended by trusted individuals and organizations may be a less intimidating way to learn about sex. Be cautious and aware of the biases in online resources you turn to to learn about sex. Many of the resources out there are meant to be exciting, novel, and probably not the best place to start.  ​

​READ: THE VERY BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR SPOUSE

 2. Be open with your partner.

​Learn to express your sexual needs and concerns. Many partners feel comfortable talking about sexual “likes” (what feels good, what they want more of…) but may be more hesitant to talk about sexual “dislikes.” Understand that your partner wants you to feel good, and letting him/her know what you don’t like will enable them to achieve that. If you still aren’t sure what your likes/dislikes are, being open with your partner during times of exploration can allow you to get into the pattern of communicating what feels nice and not-so-nice.

READ: 25 WAYS TO CELEBRATE YOUR ANNIVERSARY

3. Talk about your emotions.

Assuming that sex is simply about your body’s physical response may rob you of experiencing a more whole sexual experience. There are many emotional aspects to sexual intimacy, and acknowledging and communicating about those can increase closeness and sexual satisfaction. Let your partner know not only how you physically feel during sex, but also how you feel emotionally. Letting him or her know that you feel loved, appreciated, or special is a powerful way to increase connectedness during sex.

Talking so openly about sex may seem a little unnatural at first. But as you take some steps to increase communication about your sex life, you can expect to feel closer to your partner. 

For more tips on how to have a stronger relationship with your spouse, take the RELATE assessment today.

​Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

Ah, flirting. It was so fun back when you were dating...and it came so naturally. He'd whisper a little something in your ear, and you would immediately get butterflies in your stomach. Or she would tease you relentlessly and you would softly - note the word softly - smack her with a rolled up magazine. Ah, the good old days.

You and your spouse may be pro's at flirting (if so, keep it up!), but chances are that in your marriage flirting may have become a long-lost art. Sad day.

If you really want to nurture your marriage in big ways, then it is time to reintroduce flirting, because flirting works in marriage.

It really does.

I'm here to tell you, folks, that whatever level of flirting is currently going on in your relationship, it isn't enough. You can up your flirting game, and in return, enjoy a more connected - not to mention FUN - marriage relationship. Yes, you will be that couple, the one that everyone watches and admires and wishes they could be. No more wishing, time to learn everything you ever wanted to know about flirting in marriage. Dun dun dun...
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What is flirting?

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, one of the definitions of flirting is:

"To behave in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously." (here)

Now, while I don't LOVE that definition, it works.

The part I don't like is the "is not meant to be taken seriously," part because marriage is meant to be taken seriously. Very seriously. However, you don't have to take yourself, or your spouse, too seriously every second of every day.

So, I like to think of the "not meant to be taken seriously," part to mean being more playful with your spouse, instead. Oh, and the "shows a sexual attraction" part? Perfectly acceptable and encouraged in marriage. But you already knew that.

READ: HOW MUCH SEX DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEED?

Why flirting?

Your marriage needs more coyness and messing around. More laughter and touch.

Flirting will nurture your marriage because flirting means you and your spouse will start to pay more attention to each other and will start to give each other the time of day. Again.

Admit it, it's all too easy to live together as husband and wife without really acknowledging each other much, or connecting in meaningful ways. 

You two need to have more FUN together. 

Flirting will do the job. It will not only amuse both of you, but it will also reconfirm your attraction and adoration for each other. 

Finally, flirting will help you and the love of your life to be more physically and emotionally close. And that is just what your marriage needs, and what both of you really long for, whether or not you are willing to admit it just now.

How often should you flirt with your spouse? 

Alllll dayyyy evvvvery day, people. Do it. 

Okay, you don't have to flirt all day, but you should flirt with your spouse at least once a day. Some days will just be more flirty days than others, and that is okay, but you should make an INTENTIONAL effort to flirt with your spouse daily - at least until it just becomes the norm. 

Learning to nurture your marriage is all about intentionality - about choosing to do certain things, or to respond in certain ways, or to make certain choices that will invite more happiness into your life and into your marriage. And flirting is one of those intentional things. It just is. You've just got to be intentional about it. 

Where and when should you flirt with your spouse?

In public and in private. Morning, noon and night.

You could even make a date out of it and pretend like you just met and flirt it up (all to the enjoyment of those around you at the baseball game, right?). There is just something about flirting with your spouse in front of her friends, or his family, or in front of the kids (they need to see their parents flirting!) that makes your relationship all the more solid, enjoyable, and fun.

Now don't forget that flirting in private is just as important, if not more important, than flirting in public because your sweet spouse needs to feel that affirmation of your love for him or her on the regular - in the privacy of your own home, just between the two of you. 

​READ: HOW TO CREATE BEDTIME RITUALS THAT WILL NURTURE YOUR MARRIAGE

How do you flirt with your spouse?

It may have been a while since you truly flirted with your spouse. You've still got it though. It may feel and look awkward at first, but with practice you and your spouse will be pros once again, and you will feel like the flame of your love has been rekindled in a whole new way.

Yes, you can learn to flirt. You can practice flirting. You can become a more flirtatious person (but only towards your spouse, of course!). 

Flirting may take effort, in fact it should take effort, and some may call it work, but you can call it fun because the most important key to flirting is to have fun! 

With all that said, here are five awesome tips to help you be more flirtatious and more fun in your marriage.

1. Touch. 

Touch, touch, touch! Touch his elbow, move her hair out of her eyes, smack his bum, wink at her from across the room, hold his hand, rub her leg. You get the picture. You are married people, so don't be shy! Run your fingers through his hair. Give him a quick shoulder rub and then start kissing him all over. Accidentally bump into her, and then use that bump as an excuse to hug or kiss her. Rub your finger up his forearm slowly, give him your best sultry glance, and ask him how his day was. Put your finger over her lips and just kiss her. Ah yes, you are starting to remember how much fun flirting with your spouse is...keep at it. 

2. Laugh. 

With all that touching, you are bound to start laughing out loud. Laugh at everything he says or does. He will think you are crazy, but it will lead to a lot of fun. Tease and taunt him or her in fun ways. If you are washing dishes, put soap bubbles on his face. Put an ice cube down the back of her shirt. Grab his phone, tell him if he wants it he has to catch you, and then run away! Have your chase lead to your bedroom, where you can fall on the bed exhausted, start a tickle fight, or just cuddle. Or suggest an arm wrestle and let it lead to a full-on flirt-fight. Don't feel embarrassed if you feel like a teenager again - all this flirting will keep you young, and it is healthy for your marriage! Water fights are always fun too...

READ: 100 SUMMER DATE IDEAS YOU WILL LOVE

3. Give your spouse your complete attention. 

Keep your eyes on him. Listen intently to everything she has to say. For a few minutes ignore the kids, the teenagers, or that text message - stare at him and bat your eyelashes. If he asks, "Do you want something?" reply dramatically, "Why yes, yes I do." Then wink. Give her your best eyebrow raise and then tell her what a babe she is. When you are out and about, look over at him and say, "I'm totally into you," and then grab his arm and squeeze it tight. Lean in close to her, practically fall into her, just so you can stare into her eyes and tell her she smells amazing. Admit it, you've forgotten how much fun flirting is (and how good a little silly is for the soul). 

4. Go heavy on the compliments. 

Just lay it out there - smooth like butter. Slip your arms around your husband's waist as he cooks dinner and say, "Babe, you are the most amazing cook in the world, and I'm madly in love with you." When you walk past your wife stop, walk back, do a double take and simply comment, "Dang, you are gorgeous! Just had to do a double-take." Then take her by the hand and twirl her around the kitchen floor. She will love it. Use pet names for each other when you need something, and always use your manners. Usually playing coy + being a bit dramatic = the perfect formula to add the flirtatious vibe to any compliment you pay your spouse. Try it. It works. 

READ: HOW TO AVOID FALLING OUT OF LOVE - PART 1 

5. Use technology. 

So this obviously isn't nearly as fun as flirting in person, but it is a great way to prep each other for some flirtatious fun when you are together again. So, if you are apart, send a flirty text or Facebook message to your husband. Or send her an email during the day, reminding her about something hilarious that happened - an inside joke that only the two of you share. Use technology to your advantage when you aren't together. 

See, it's not all that hard to get your flirt back on. Don't let your awkwardness in being coy, flirtatious and fun hold you back. Your marriage deserves the attention and excitement that flirting will bring. You may look a little pathetic at first, but your spouse is bound to see you as delightful and attractive for trying. So, commit now to never stop flirting your with your spouse. ​'

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Written by The Relate Institute

It’s a conflict that comes up in almost every relationship that has managed to last for a year or two (or maybe even just a few months). It causes tension, fights, and hurt feelings. Often both partners feel misunderstood and frustrated. Regardless of their satisfaction level, most couples will eventually have some conflict regarding sex.

Research shows that one of the most common fights couples have centers around sexual frequency or how often the couple is engaging in sexual intimacy. Stereotypically this involves a male partner seeking higher frequency than his female counterpart but this is not always the case. Regardless, unmet expectations in the bedroom can trickle over and cause communication problems, a lack of emotional connection, and general instability in the relationship. So how do you counter such negativity? What is the right amount of sex? Here are some general thoughts to help make sure this issue doesn’t undermine the other parts of your relationship.
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How much sex should a couple have?

The right answer to this question is that there is no “right amount.” Every couple is different and, more importantly, every person encounters changing life circumstances due to illness, careers, and children (among many other things) that will interact with sexual desire and availability. There may be times in a couple’s life where having sex every day would be perfectly possible while at other times it would be a logistical impossibility.  Research shows that an “average” couple generally has sex about 2-3 times per week. However, if you’re worried that you’re under this average I would encourage you to think about your intimacy over the course of several weeks or even several months. Again, every couple will have good and bad weeks in terms of intimacy frequency and there is no magic number that couples need to hit to be “healthy."

How do you avoid negative conflict about sexual intimacy?

For the partner wanting more -

Understand intimacy is a two-way street. Sex obviously involves two people. It is very clear from research that sex is more fulfilling, enjoyable, and satisfying if both partners have a desire for that intimacy. If you are the partner who wants to have sex more regularly, realize that having sex every day may not be the enjoyable experience you think it will be if your partner’s desire does not match your own. Be okay with delaying intimacy if your partner isn’t in the mood and avoid taking this as a personal rejection.

For the partner wanting less -

Understand that your partner is likely seeking connection, not physical gratification. Often the person who wants less sex views their partner as sex crazed and overly focused on the physical element of the relationship. It can feel like this is all your partner cares about. It is important for the person desiring less sex to realize that attempts to engage in sex are one of the best signs of a healthy relationship and are often coming from a desire for both physical and emotional connection. In our modern world there are plenty of places that people can turn to (online or otherwise) if they are only seeking personal gratification. Your partner’s attempts to be intimate are likely coming from a loving place and a desire to be intimate with you. Treat such attempts as such and be careful about how your reaction might be overly negative or feel rejecting to your partner.

For both partners -

Talk about the taboo. Even among married couples who have been sexually intimate for many years, sex can be a taboo topic. In order to engage in healthy communication it is vital that such couples bring issues related to sex out in the open. If one partner wants to become intimate and the other doesn’t, talk about a “rain check,” and have the partner who isn’t in the mood explain clearly why. While it may not sound romantic, scheduling intimacy can be a very practical and useful thing for many couples (especially those with children). Schedule that rain check for the next day and then spend the day flirting and teasing each other. Make it something you both look forward to.  Another option may be to take turns being in “charge” of planning and initiating intimacy. Above all else, talk about intimacy and sex.

While these things may help many couples avoid conflict regarding the frequency of sex, it is unlikely to help larger and more conflictual issues some couples may be experiencing. If you’re worried that sexual intimacy problems have created more long-term or chronic issues in your relationship, take the RELATE assessment and get a complete picture of the current health of your relationship.

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

When was the last time you looked at a picture from your wedding day, or thought much about the promises you and your spouse made to each other so long ago (or not so long ago)?

One thing that may be easy to forget through the perfectly normal ups and downs of married life is that on your wedding day, you locked your heart. 

You locked your heart when you chose your husband or wife to be your one and only, your best friend, your truest confidant, and your only lover. You locked your heart - with your spouse inside - and you committed to never allow anyone or anything to take priority over them. You committed to being fiercely loyal through thick and thin.

In a world that tells us that affairs are normal (and often celebrated), and that when one relationship gets stale it's time to find something new and exciting, remember that deep and fierce loyalty are at the foundation of a happy and healthy marriage. Remember that affairs - emotional or sexual - will never make you truly happy, especially in the long run. 

On your wedding day you promised your spouse you would be completely loyal to him or her, and you locked your heart. 

The best thing you can do to protect your marriage against an emotional or sexual affair is to keep your heart locked - with your spouse inside. When your heart is locked, there's no room for anyone else to take their place in any way, shape, or form. When your heart is locked, your conversations with members of the opposite sex are different. Your activities and time spent with members of the opposite sex are different. Your friendships with members of the opposite sex are limited and professional. Oh, and your eyes and thoughts are locked, too. 

So, what does loyalty in marriage really look like? What does a locked heart look like?

What a Locked Heart Looks Like

Here are a few do's and don'ts of what a locked heart looks like (this list is by no means all-inclusive). 

Do's 

• Make sure your spouse is your very best friend.
• Date your spouse.
• Plan romantic getaways on a regular basis.
• Develop shared hobbies together.
• Talk to your spouse.
• Listen to your spouse. 
• Enjoy sex often. 
• Resolve conflict in healthy ways. 
• Compliment your spouse often.
• Call your spouse first.
• Confide in your spouse.
• Behave with friends, co-workers, and associates the same way you would if your spouse was present.
• Keep your spouse first (over everyone and everything else).
• Keep private things private.
• Speak positively of your spouse to others, especially to your children. 

Don't

Note: While some of these may seem perfectly harmless, relationship experts have noted that casual friendships with members of the opposite sex can be a stepping stone in the path that leads to affairs. These experts have also pointed out that that path is often a more slippery slope than most people think. Because of this, it can be helpful for you and your spouse to evaluate from time to time, the friendships you have with members of the opposite sex (since everyone has interactions and friendships with members of the opposite sex).

• Go on dates with friends of the opposite sex - whether to dinner, a movie, etc. 
• Go on trips with friends of the opposite sex.
• Develop shared hobbies with friends of the opposite sex. 
• Text, call, or chat flirtatiously online with members of the opposite sex. 
• Flirt with members of the opposite sex (i.e. squeezing his or her shoulders, touching his knee, etc). 
• Do anything sexual with friends of the opposite sex. 
• Confide in your friends of the opposite sex.
• Spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex. 
• Keep your friendships with members of the opposite sex a secret from your spouse. 
• ​Let your eyes wander (aka, check others out). 
• Speak poorly about your spouse to others.
• Mention out loud to your spouse or others how attractive someone of the opposite sex is. 
• View porn.
• Check out pictures of friends (or strangers) of the opposite sex on social media.

What's the big deal with friends of the opposite sex? 

Obviously, the idea of having a locked heart is that there isn't room for anyone else to even come close to playing the role or meeting the needs that only spouses should play and meet. In fact, there isn't really room for serious friendships of the opposite sex. At least, not in the way you may think. 

I know, it's sounds a bit extreme, but one of the biggest culprits of affairs happens to be opposite-sex friendships. Innocent, seemingly platonic, friendships. Are you shocked? Don't be. 

The subtle dangers of nurturing friendships with members of the opposite sex is exactly that - nurturing is happening. That effort and intentionality is being put into a friendship that should be put into marriage. Now, I'm not saying that you aren't going to have perfectly normal and appropriate interactions with co-workers and neighbors of the opposite sex. I'm talking about the potential danger of becoming "close" friends, even "best friends," with someone of the opposite sex (who isn't your spouse!). 
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The danger comes when these "close" friends, especially those who don't live with you day-in and day-out, start to meet some of your deepest needs (especially if those needs are ones your spouse currently isn't meeting). Just think of your deep need to hear encouraging words and compliments. Or your deep need to have someone to share your favorite hobby with. Or your deep need to have someone tease you or make you laugh. Or your deep need to talk to someone who is actually interested in what you have to say.

It's all too easy to get caught in an emotional affair with a friend you spend time with at work, or in other settings, thinking this friendship is innocent because it's non-sexual. However, please be wary of those friendships with members of the opposite-sex, because they can very easily cross lines and lead to romantic thoughts, feelings, and actions,  and damage your marriage in ways you will someday regret. 

If you aren't sure about this potentially "extreme" view of limiting your friendships with members of the opposite sex, just read these 20 questions (and answer them honestly) to recognize the threat that opposite-sex friendships may pose to your marriage. 

​In all that you do, remember that on your wedding day you promised your spouse you would be completely loyal to him or her, and that on your wedding day, you locked your heart. 

Just keep your heart locked - with your spouse inside - and limit your friendships with members of the opposite sex (whether in person or online), in order to build the happy, healthy, well-nurtured marriage that you have always wanted. It will be well worth the effort. Guaranteed. 

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

The other day I stumbled upon a comment on a blog that really made a lot of sense to me. In fact, it stood out so much to me that I've been thinking a lot about it since. The comment was posted by author Shela Dean, who wrote the book "Frequent Foreplay Miles, Your Ticket to Total Intimacy." Now, while I haven't read the book, her simple comment got my mind turning about the idea that foreplay isn't just about initiating sexual interaction with each other, but it's about the marriage relationship as a whole. 

Shela's mindset is that foreplay is what happens all day, everyday. It's every little interaction - at least every little positive interaction. This kind of mindset is another way of saying, "nurture your marriage." Now, here at Nurturing Marriage we aren't suggesting that your relationship is all about sex, because it isn't (although sex is a vital part of any healthy marriage). We are, however, suggesting that being intentional about taking care of your marriage and doing your part to create a beautiful life with your spouse WILL make for more meaningful and satisfying sex. 

If you and your spouse are facing obstacles when it comes to sex, it may be that your overall relationship isn't in a healthy place, and one or both of you just can't seem to feel connected enough to enjoy the experience. Or perhaps something about your spouse has really been bugging you and you just can't even think about sharing that deep level of intimacy right now. If you are feeling a bit stuck in the love-making department, then it's time to take a step back and look at your relationship as a whole. It's time to focus on creating more positive interactions and less negative ones. It's time to start finding ways to serve your spouse and to truly meet his or her needs. It's time to start nurturing your marriage, in little ways, to create the emotional, mental, and physical intimacy that you both desire. 

With all that being said, here are 25 forms of foreplay you may never have thought of before!

Now, these may seem like simple things to do (and you may wonder if they even qualify as foreplay), but they will make a huge difference in the overall health and well-being of your marriage. Little things like these tell your spouse "I'm here for you," "I love you," "I care about you," "I want to make your day," and "You mean the world to me." As your spouse receives those messages, it really will be foreplay all day, everyday, because he or she will feel confident in your love, will feel close and connected to you, and will start to feel a bit more romantic and in love with you. And that is a recipe for some meaningful times together, if you catch my drift. 

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

The first thing to cross most people's minds when they hear the word "intimacy" probably has little to do with emotions, and emotional well-being, and overall connection with your spouse, right? However, emotional intimacy is actually a critical component to the health of any marriage, and a vital and important part of overall intimacy between husband and wife. 

Physical intimacy is definitely important (and fun!), but without emotional intimacy right beside it, you will never be able to experience the deep meaning and companionship that marriage can provide. In fact, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy compliment one another. They feed off of and lead to each other. For example, most couples who are emotionally intimate enjoy greater satisfaction in their physical relationship. 

It's no secret that women tend to be more in tune with their emotions than men. For many women, emotional intimacy in marriage is equally important, if not more important, than physical intimacy. Women crave the connection that comes through being emotionally intimate with their spouse. Because of this, you can't discount the importance of having a healthy emotional relationship with you lover.

Try one of these 5 ways to foster emotional intimacy in your marriage, this week. 

1) Talk... often

This may seem obvious, but is so easy to overlook or scrimp on. You and your spouse need time to talk on a regular basis! Not just time to talk about the kids, or work, or the crazy world of politics - but time to talk about things that really matter to your relationship. Talk about your hopes, dreams, and goals. Talk about your struggles and shortcomings. Talk about areas you're trying to improve in and solicit each other's feedback and help. Talk about your feelings and emotionally connect with each other. If you have tried to talk, but don't feel like you have a lot to talk about, try these 15 Tricks for Learning to Talk to Your Spouse Again. 

The fact of the matter is, that most couples these days are pretty busy...extremely busy. Having intimate conversation with your spouse takes time, and you have to be committed to making it happen. In other words, you have to make time for it. One idea that works for many couples is to carve out 15 minutes each night to simply talk. If that's not feasible, then try scheduling 30 minutes or an hour every Sunday night. Whatever works for you, be committed to talking often. 

2) Be there

If your spouse is having a hard day, then be there for him or her. If they're going through a particularly difficult challenge, then be there. If they're giving a big speech or being presented with an award, then be there. Support your spouse by being an active and engaged partner in their life. 

Being there for your spouse doesn't necessarily mean you have to physically be by their side all the time - that's obviously not possible. But it does mean that they need to feel like they can call on you whenever needed and feel confident that you will respond with support and kindness. Whether they need to chat to get something off their chest or they genuinely need some counsel and advice, they need to know you're there for them.

3) Listen 

If you want to feel emotionally connected to your spouse, then listen to them. People are much more prone to share their thoughts and ideas if they know they're being listened to. On the other hand, if someone senses their spouse isn't really listening, or their mind is elsewhere, they're far less likely to engage in intimate conversation. A great example of this is the wife who constantly interrupts her husband mid-sentence. Or the husband who pretends to listen to his wife while watching the game. 

Studies have shown that far less than 50% of communication is verbal. So, it isn't enough to listen with just your ears. Rather, you need to listen with your eyes by paying attention to body language. You also need to listen with your heart by paying attention to emotions and trying to discern how your spouse is feeling. 

4) Share the details of your life

In order to enjoy healthy emotional intimacy with your spouse, you need to share the details of your lives with each other. How easy is it to come home from work (or school, or an appointment, or the neighbors, or travel, etc.) and when your spouse asks how your day was, simply respond "fine." Who isn't guilty of that? But responding in that manner is missing an opportunity to connect emotionally with your spouse.

Don't shy away from giving your spouse some details. Tell them about your embarrassing moment, explain to them how you were so frustrated at your boss, confess how nervous you felt before your big presentation, update him or her on news you heard, etc. Sharing the details of your life with your spouse will help you two feel connected and in-tune with each other. It will help you feel close even if you spend a significant part of your day away from each other.

5) Maintain confidences

For you and your spouse to enjoy true emotional intimacy together, you need to feel safe with each other. You need to know that certain things are kept private and that you have each other's backs. You need to maintain confidence in one another and know that you can trust each other completely.

When you maintain each other's confidences you'll both be much more willing to share the deepest feelings of your heart, and to be truly open, vulnerable and transparent with each other. You'll feel comfortable opening up to each other and not holding back. In short, you'll develop emotional intimacy together. And that, my friends, will go a long way in nurturing your marriage, and in leading to more satisfying and meaningful physical intimacy. 

Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography

Sex is something that brings you and your spouse together in a very complete way. You give yourself, wholly, to each other, and are able to express love in a beautiful, and meaningful way.  Using all of your senses in the love-making arena, can make for very enjoyable, and fulfilling sex.  Here are some thoughts on why you need your five senses (and an additional sixth sense) when making love.

The 6 Senses of Healthy Sex

1. See

Your spouse is OH-SO-GOOD-LOOKING! You know it. That is one of the many reasons you married them, right? When making love, you need to see your spouse. Keep the lights on (or dimmed) so you can actually see, and enjoy, each other. Really see your spouse. Take him or her in. Not just their outer beauty/handsomeness - but their inner beauty as well.  See the good in them, as a person.  See their potential. See their needs, thoughts, fears, struggles, dreams, hopes, and joys.

2. Hear

Not only is your spouse good looking, but they also have feelings, needs, and thoughts that they probably want to express. Listen to your spouse. They have a lot more to share than you realize.  Rub his or her back while you talk about the day and catch up.  Sex is just as much about connecting emotionally as it is about connecting physically (especially for the ladies) And, connecting emotionally before making love will help you connect more deeply in physical ways (though this sometimes works vice versa, i.e. some men feel close emotionally after being close physically).  

Music can also help contribute to a very romantic setting.

​Oh, and then there's silence.  Ladies, listen up.   When it is time for making love, the time for talking is over (aka - don't mention all those random thoughts that sometimes go through your head!).  A little bit of silence is good for both you and your spouse and it allows you to focus on each other more completely. 

3. Smell

This can make or break a romantic evening... trust us.  Make sure to shower, shave, and smell nice. Whatever your preference for cologne or perfume, something that smells attractive and manly/feminine is a great way to set the mood for healthy sex. 

4. Touch

Feeling close to your one-and-only, and being able to share physical touch is a wonderful thing. We probably don't need to expound too much on this one, do we?  The point is, because of the special relationship you share as husband and wife (and the promises you've made to each other!), you can touch your spouse in ways that no one else can (or should!). Sex is intimate because it is something special that you and your spouse only share with each other. So enjoy each other in appropriate ways. 

5. Taste

Make sure you brush your teeth. Fresh breath makes kissing much, much more enjoyable (This is especially important for those who enjoy making love in the morning)!  Here's a tip:  Lifesavers Wintergreen Mints.  Not only do they taste (and smell) great, but they also spark when you chew them in the dark!  

6. Feel (sixth sense)

This is really what physical intimacy is all about - feeling close to one another. It's not just about the physical high that comes from making love, but it's about connection, cohesion, and confidence. It's about trust and unity. It's about expressing love in the deepest of ways. 

In other words, intimacy should invite a deeper, truer kind of love into your marriage. It should be a very positive, beautiful, fun, and fulfilling thing.  It should be something that's very special between the two of you, as husband and wife.  Sex should make both of you feel safe and secure, and offer you and your spouse a way to share everything together.  

Using your six senses should definitely help create a positive, fulfilling, and romantic experience for you and your spouse when it comes to being intimate together.  So, go nurture your marriage.    ​

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

Jason Hewlett is an entertainer and a family man. His recent Facebook post is touching and hilarious. And it went viral this week. If you haven't seen it - check it out now. Totally worth the two minute read. 

​It's starts like this:

His wife's response is equally awesome. She starts out by saying, 

"To anyone who cares for CLARIFICATION from the WIFE of this amazing man... No, he wasn't in the doghouse and never is!

He probably did not recognize me that day because I actually got ready, he usually sees me in a braid and in my 'good sweats' and he loves me that way too!"

You can read her whole post here.

Your wife craves affection from you. She literally needs more of it than you are currently offering. And of course, you have your needs to, but this article is about learning to give your wife the affection she craves. You may think you just aren't the affectionate type, but take heart, you can become the affectionate type. It's true. It's going to take practice. It will feel awkward and perhaps not-too-genuine at first, but with time, it will become real affection, the kind that comes from the heart. And she'll know it.

Some of these ideas may seem cheesy and mushy-gushy, but men, cheesy and mushy-gushy is exactly what your wife craves. Even if she says she doesn't. She craves romance. She needs to know you are madly in love with her. So, how do you let her know? How do you meet that deep craving she has to feel your love for her? To be confident in your love for her? To feel absolutely safe, adored, and cherished in your presence? Be that guy. The super affectionate, non-sexual touchy, complimentary and adoring guy. Be that guy. Become that guy. 

You may need to think back to the kinds of things you did for her when you were dating...things that may not come so naturally anymore.

Willard F. Harley, Jr., author of His Needs, Her Needs, Building an Affair Proof Marriage, defines affection as: 

"Expressing love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies, creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love."

So, here's a guarantee for you - try all of the following five things this next week, and see if your feelings for your wife don't improve. Dramatically. See, the funny thing is that you will be doing all of these things for her, for her feelings, but in the process of focusing on her - your feelings will change. And that, my friends, is the magic of marriage. Give and take. Give and take. But mostly give. 

Without further adieu, here are the five ideas you need to try this week.

Say it. Even if the words seem to choke on the way up. Get them out. You can say, "I love you," when you see her coming out of the bathroom first thing in the morning. Or call her up on your way to work, after just having said good-bye, and just say it. Or send her an email during the day telling her three things you love about her. Wrap your arms around her while she is doing something in the kitchen, and whisper, "I love you." Leave a note or letter in her car telling her you love her. Use your favorite nick name for her. Text her. Tell her just before she falls asleep. Say it when you are in line at the grocery store together. Just say it. At LEAST three times a day, if not more. And mean it. ​

One of the best ways to help your wife feel like you adore her is to claim her as your own in public. It's funny how some people (most of them probably without even realizing it), once at a public gathering, or out to dinner with friends, or even at the grocery store, all of a sudden seem to pretend like they don't belong with their spouse. Come on. Don't make that mistake. 

Let everyone know she is yours and that you love her. You don't have to be over the top, just be mindful of her. Open her door. Wink at her. Talk to her. Steal a kiss or two. Introduce her to people you may be with. Speak highly of her when you are talking together in a group. 

If you happen to be reunited again in public, make a big deal out of it. Make sure she is the first person you greet and go up to. Don't just nod and say or do nothing. Give her a hug. Give her a compliment. Hold her hand and ask her how she has been. Make people around you think you two must be love-birds who are dating and haven't experienced the "harsh-reality," of married life yet. Prove them wrong. ​

Showing affection for your wife when you are with other people will make her feel like a million bucks and fill her with a deep sense of gratitude for the amazing guy she married. 

Bring her flowers. Or chocolate. Or gum. Or ice cream. Or a new shirt. Or anything she would love. It doesn't have to be expensive, and you don't even have to buy it (homemade gifts are the bomb), but those little outward expressions will let her know that you are thinking about her, and that you actually care that she exists and that you are so lucky she is your wife. ​

A husband I know recently won huge affection-thoughtful-adoring-husband-points by surprising his wife with a trip to Europe. They both love to travel, and he thoughtfully spent nine-months planning an excursion to Europe. He took care of every detail including babysitting for the kids, all while never saying a word. The morning of the trip arrived. He woke his wife up and said, "Get dressed, go shopping, we leave for Europe tonight." Needless to say, there were ugly tears involved - happy, ugly tears. And then a day spent bustling around preparing for a surprise getaway to Europe. I'm pretty sure all the husbands that heard about this trip (from their wives) were upset at their buddy for setting such a high husband-standard...but really? This guy was thoughtful about showing his wife how much he cared and did so by planning a trip she would love.

Now, you don't have to plan a big trip, but maybe you could plan a surprise date night and surprise your wife with that. That would be good for starters. Do it.

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

Written by The Relate Institute

Pornography has been a topic of increased focus for the last decade.  As the internet has come to dominate our lives and various forms of pornography have become more accessible, scholars and the general public have struggled with fully understanding the short and long-term effects of increased pornography use and exposure.  

​Weighing in on this discussion, a recent study by Doran and Price found that adults who had viewed pornography in the last year “were more likely to be divorced, more likely to have an extramarital affair, and less likely to report being happy with their marriage or happy overall.”  

While we should be careful with making blanket statements like “everyone that watches porn will have a horrible marriage,”  these types of research findings underscore the important relationship issues that arise from repeated pornography use by one or both partners.  Unfortunately, there are many who not only view pornography occasionally, but struggle with pornography use as a very real compulsive addiction.  This type of behavior can lead to lying to one’s partner or other harmful relationship behaviors.

So what if you’re the spouse who has found out that your partner has been struggling with compulsive behaviors centered on pornography?  How can you respond in ways that will help, not hurt the situation or your relationship? Sometimes the response that individuals get from their partners regarding their pornography use does nothing but drive a wedge in their relationships.  Below is one common mistake and some suggestions on how to respond to a partner who uses pornography in ways that does not undermine your relationship.  

What NOT to do: Seek outside validation or air your complaints to the world.  Consider this exchange on social media:

[Young married woman posting on Facebook]: HELP! I just found out my husband has looked at porn.  My husband has a porn addiction. I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. He is a monster, and he has been cheating on me with this smut. What do I do????
[Online friends commenting]: You deserve better! He is a monster! Give him an ultimatum: it’s you or the porn.

1) Help them identify the problem, and the times and places it emerges. When is the urge to engage/to use/to lapse into the addiction most likely to appear?

2) Find ways to help your partner avoid those times and those things.  If they are unavoidable, set-up a check-in system with your partner.  Be the person they can come to and talk to when the urge to use arises.  

3) Accept that the behaviour probably won’t stop forever the first time. There will probably be slip-ups but if you allow one slip up to destroy your resolve to continue improving, you will never come out on top. Keep moving forward.

4) Establish an open dialogue about how your spouse is improving. Ask them about their temptations and how they are overcoming them. Be someone who they can come to when they struggle or lapse.  Do NOT avoid the issue or make them feel judged if they talk to you.  
​
5) Seek professional help if needed. When in doubt, find a therapist you can both trust and rely on. They are trained, they are licensed, and they can give support to both you and your spouse no matter the issue.

Pornography use does not need to lead to divorce or an unhealthy relationship, so long as there is communication, hard work, and possible forgiveness on both sides. Try taking our RELATE assessment for additional tips on where you and your partner could be more understanding of one another.