 Apologies are not about asking for something, but about giving something. Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NCC, Gottman 7 Principles Trainer www.SynergyCounselingInnovations.com When you need to make an apology, there are several things to keep in mind. According to clinical psychologist, Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., there are 9 essential ingredients to an apology. 1. A true apology doesn't include the word "but." When you say "I'm sorry," and then follow your apology with the word "but," anything that comes after is an excuse, justification, or a criticism of the hurt party. Even if what you have to say is true, your intention is to give an apology. By using the word "but" you are giving a false apology. "But" nullifies your apology. Examples of a bad apology:
READ: HOW TO CREATE BEDTIME RITUALS THAT WILL NURTURE YOUR MARRIAGE 2. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions and not the other person's response to your actions. "I'm sorry you were offended by the joke." There is no accountability in this apology. What you are saying here is you are sorry they were offended. People have the right to be offended, so don't apologize for that. Apologize for offending someone. You need to focus on how your words were offensive. An accountable apology would sound like this: "I'm sorry for the offensive things I said. That was out of line and unnecessary." Apologize for what you say and do. Don't apologize for the other person's feelings about what you say or do.  3. A good apology includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation. A simple example: you spill juice on your friend's area rug. You offer to pay the dry cleaning bill or to replace the rug. 4. A real apology does not overdo. There are two kinds of over apologizing. One is where you over apologize for simple things like, sitting in someone's chair or for talking a lot. Example: "I'm sorry. Did you want to sit here?" or "I've been talking non-stop. I'm so sorry." Or apologizing for being upset. This form of apology interrupts the flow of a conversation and it's rather irritating to others. Another example is over apologizing for failing to return a dish to a friend in a timely fashion. Don't apologize as if you ran over a pet. In other words, don't overdo it. Another form of over apologizing is when someone hijack's your pain. For example: You get the courage to confront someone for something they did that was hurtful to you and they respond with something like: "Oh my goodness, I'm such a horrible person," and they start to cry. Of course, if you confront someone who has hurt you and they want to show you that they carry some of that pain you have, that's great, but if they overdo it then they are taking your pain and your story and making it about them and then you are left taking care of them.  5. A true apology doesn't get caught up in who's more to blame or who started it. You apologize for your part of it, no matter how big or how small, even if the other person is unable to see their role in it. And if you're waiting for the other person to apologize first, know that you are hurting your relationship. By waiting on the other person to make the first move you are inviting resentment. Put your ego and pride aside and own your piece of what happened. Apologize for the part you can agree with even if it's only a tiny part. The challenge is to be your best self no matter how the other person is acting. READ: TWO WORDS THAT WILL SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE 6. A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. This is when you apologize and follow your apology by saying something like: "I will be more mindful in the future about my tendency to get defensive when you come to me with something that's bothering you." 7. A true apology should not serve to silence another person. In this way "I'm sorry" is used to shut a conversation down. It's not a sincere apology. It's being said because the person doesn't want to listen to what you have to say or doesn't want to talk about an issue. Another way an apology is used to end a conversation might sound like this:
Here's a tip: If an issue keeps resurfacing in the relationship, it's not resolved. 8. A true apology should not be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. Apologies aren't always welcomed. For example, a family member, former friend, or an ex-partner may not want to see you again after the hurt you have caused. If someone doesn't want to see or hear from you, you need to respect that even if it causes you anxiety. This includes not apologizing and explaining yourself if the other person doesn't want to hear it. It's not an apology if you're doing it to lower your own anxiety, guilt, and shame while upsetting the other person. 9. A true apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive. An apology is not a negotiation tactic that is to be used to get something in return, like forgiveness. The true apology doesn't ask for anything in return. A true apology is doing the right thing. Apologies are not about asking for something, but about giving something. The intention for your apology is to alleviate any pain you have caused. Forgiveness should not be what's motivating you to apologize. You apologize whether forgiveness is given or not. If you are seeking to be forgiven when you give an apology, you aren't seeking to do the right thing but rather to be absolved of guilt and shame. So, disconnect forgiveness from apology. An apology de-intensifies a situation and can help people move forward, but simply saying the words "I'm sorry" is not enough to mend a broken connection. If you want your words to help heal the damage done, the words must be meaningful. The motivation must be to acknowledge someone else's hurt. There must be changed behavior that proceeds an apology. When faced with your next difficult moment in your relationship, ask yourself what's more important, your ego, pride, and sense of being right, or your relationship? Decide today to apologize to your spouse the next time something comes between the two of you, and see how these 9 tips help you improve your apologies, draw closer to your spouse, and feel more connected and unified going forward. You may also enjoy 3 Tips for When You Have Marriage Problems and What is Your Apology Language?
15 Comments
Bella George
12/1/2020 07:09:22 am
HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK WITH THE HELP OF DR JUMBA CONTACT ON WHATSAPP NUMBER +1 (908) 517 4108
Laura Davy
4/19/2021 11:07:54 pm
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Ashly Jimi
5/15/2021 10:41:58 am
I will forever be indebted to the great Doctor Jumba for fixing my broken marriage after my husband left me for his mistress for 6 months. I never believed in spells until my friend introduced me to him. At first, I was skeptical about him because I heard a lot about false spell casters but I put my doubts behind me for I was desperate to get my husband back and I did according to what he instructed me to do. Now my husband is back just within 48 hours of contacting him. I'm living happily with my husband again after 6 months of divorce and I will not rest till he's known all over the world. He also specialize in money spells, lottery spells, sickness spells E.T.C. Get connected with Doctor Jumba now, his email is wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or WhatsApp on +19085174108 Or His Website: https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/
jasmine robert
7/3/2021 07:00:42 am
Thank you Dr Jumba for your genuine spells. This is really incredible, and I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before I came in contact with Dr Jumba, I have tried every possible means that I could to get my husband back, but I actually came to realize that nothing was working out for me, and my husband had developed a lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope of reuniting with my husband until my friend told me about dr jumba and she gave me dr jumba website i googled it and read good reviews about Dr Jumba work , I decided to give it a try and I did everything that he instructed me and I trusted in him and followed his instructions just as he had guaranteed me in 24 hours, and that was exactly when my husband called me and ask for forgiveness that he his on his way to my house .. We are good more than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural! Thank you so much for your authentic and indisputable spells. Thank you Dr Jumba for your help. If you need help in your marriage or broken relationship, contact Dr Jumba right now for urgent help Email: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com OR wiccalovelovespelltools@yahoo.com View his website https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/ Call/WhatsApp him: +19085174108
Maxwell Oliver
6/2/2022 03:48:03 am
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SCOTT WYCOFF
6/13/2022 04:55:35 pm
Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try this: emutemple@gmail.com copy and message on the following ( emutemple@gmail.com ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341
Brookly Fab
7/26/2022 02:17:41 am
i am super excited this very moment indeed Dr Dominion is truly a good man, i doubted him from the beginning but right now i can trust him with my all because he has put a beautiful smile on my face and change my life from struggle to millionaire, what would i have done without him, just few months ago i was struggling wondering what would my life turn into, now i am here sharing a wonderful testimony of my life, after i explained my whole situation to him he took me as his own daughter and removed my family from shame, he prepared a lottery winning spell for me with true sincerity and gave me a winning number to play and that was how i won that jackpot, Dr Dominion took away my shame, my pain and my worries, what a humble man with a heart of gold, thank you so much i am very grateful for what you have done for me, should you have any interest in giving it a try or going through any difficulties i think he is the right man to talk to and i believe he can help you as well. 8/28/2022 10:39:52 pm
Hello everyone, I want to use this medium to thank a great spell caster called Dr Graceondu for transforming my life financially, i have been playing lottery game for long but have never won any reasonable amount, I contacted Dr Graceondu after i red about him on the internet on how he help a lady with a lottery winning numbers and the lady won a very big amount of money, so i contacted him and He instructed me on what to do which i did and he told me to give him some time to pray, on the second day he sent me some numbers and he said i should go and play them, so i went to play the numbers he gave me, after two day the result came out, and i went to check and to my greatest surprise my name came out as one of the winners i won $45 million, i still cant believe what happened to me that i am now a millionaire over night, i just want to say a very big thank you to Dr Graceondu i have never seen a powerful man like him, I will advice everyone out there to contact Dr Graceondu if you want to win big in your lottery game.
Roxana Lovera
10/20/2022 11:52:54 am
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Claudia Dirk
11/10/2022 10:56:59 am
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KARLA
2/23/2023 10:02:16 pm
I URGENTLY WANT MY EX BACK WITH THE HELP OF A POWERFUL LOVE SPELL CASTER +16692213962I am so happy to share this fantastic testimony of mine. My life has changed round completely in 48hours. I can see myself in the mirror and smile. I have confidence in myself and my abilities for the first time in ages. I have my boyfriend back in my life with the help of Dr Oniha. He said sorry 24 hours after the spell was created. He said he realised that he never really wanted to break up and he could not handle emotional baggage I was carrying around all the time. He said that he thought he was the negative influence on my life and thought it best to leave. He said it was hard that I kept talking about the past all the time. We have both forgiven each other. I have money in my pocket that is my own at last. (My compensation cheque came through. I was told it was months away. I am living proof of what Dr Oniha can do. I thank you so much Dr Oniha for the wonderful thing you did in my relationship. I am so happy now. With your help we were both able to see and speak the truth to each other. I never thought a spell could help a couple before. I am very pleased to contact you and initiate all this to happen. Anyone who has a relationship problem can contact Dr Oniha.
Marie Levi
4/5/2023 05:33:53 am
A big thanks from Marie Levi to DR ISIKOLO for helping me to restore my broken home. Inconsistency has been the order of the day in my home and marriage. My husband has had a hell of a problem and torn on my flesh ever since we started having too many misunderstandings. Some days, he just left and never returned until its past weeks. I was devastated and tried all I could to fix the problems but didn't succeed. I had to search out for help and I was directed by a friend to contact DR ISIKOLO which I did. I never knew it would be possible because the problems had lingered for two whole years. DR ISIKOLO assured me and only told me to trust him and believe in having my desires granted. He fixed my marriage with his powerful love reunion bond and my home is great again and my husband is with me never to leave anymore. Contact him too and believe he can help you because he has no bad records. Just text him via WhatsApp +2348133261196 or email him via: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com or review his website (https://isikolotemple.com)
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4/19/2023 11:45:10 am
My name is Vanessa Edwards from Asburn USA. I never knew people could be so kind, selfless and amazing until DR ISIKOLO helped me with my marriage problems. My union with my husband was not up to a year when we started having problems. It was so frequent that i fell into depression and kept struggling with it and same time, my husband left me and vowed never to return. I didn't know what to do with my life at that point in time. I had to keep searching for help until DR ISIKOLO came to my rescue. After he made due consultations, it was clear to me that my husband's ex lover kept manipulating him so she can have him back. I was told what to do by DR ISIKOLO and with all assurance, i must get the result after 2 days which i complied and he helped me and the result was so amazing. Now my husband is back to me and we are conceiving our first child in warmth and happiness. if you have similar or love problems, Just text him via Viber/WhatsApp +2348133261196 or email him via: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com or visit his website to read more about him and his works (https://isikolotemple.com)
Kim Grayson
5/17/2023 12:00:02 pm
MY BOYFRIEND GOT BACK TO ME WITH THE HELP OF DR ISIKOLO AND I AM TRULY OVERWHELMED
Nicolette Elliot
5/23/2023 12:18:15 pm
Hi everyone. My name is Nicolette Elliot I am here to thank great Dr Isikolo for fixing my marital problems. My marriage crashed due to unending problems and difficulties I had with my husband. He left without looking back and I was alone for so many months. His family intervened and still nothing changed. I was wrecked emotionally and lost hope in finding love again because he was everything in a man I ever wanted. Just like so many people, I got to know about DR ISIKOLO when I started searching for help. We discussed my problems at length and he assured me of getting the solution I needed. I had no choice than to comply with his procedures and he didn't delay anything. He did a love reunion bond for me and my husband and the love and happiness we shared was restored and he reached me exactly after 48 hours as DR ISIKOLO promised. He is indeed a wonderful helper and he is trustworthy. if you have any problems, just text him via WhatsApp +2348133261196 or email him via: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com or review his website (https://isikolotemple.com) Leave a Reply. |
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