When Hobbies Overtake Marriage

5 Things You Can do When Hobbies Threaten to Overtake Your Marriage

12/21/2016

When hobbies overtake marriage. Do you have hobbies getting in the way of your relationship with your spouse? Read this article! So so good!

Painting, fishing, bodybuilding, crocheting, gaming, shopping, skiing, and the list goes on. And on. And on.

Life offers us opportunities to learn and participate in so many wonderful activities and interests (alone or with others) that can fill our days with meaningful, happy, and interesting experiences.

However, it is all too easy to become passionate (or obsessed) with one hobby, all at the expense of other more important priorities in our lives.

So, what do you do when your spouse cares more about their hobby than they do about you?

You may relate with some of the following examples...

The gamer

Andrea came home from work to be greeted by her husband, who didn't look up from his video game, but did manage to squeak out an honest, "Hey, how are you?" to her as she walked into the kitchen. It was the same routine. He worked an early morning shift and got home earlier than she did. She didn't know why it bugged her so much that he was always playing video games when she came home - it was his time to unwind after a long day, after all - but it bugged her. A lot.

The runner

Rob and his wife of thirty years were happily married with four kids. They had moved around a lot and had recently settled into their dream home. His wife, Michelle, had recently found a new group of runners in the area who were all training for upcoming races. She needed friends, and this new group welcomed her immediately. Michelle would get up early every morning to run with her friends, and often spent hours on Saturdays training with them.

Rob was starting to feel unsettled about this new running group. He thought perhaps it was due to his own insecurity, since the group had a lot of men in it. Men who shared his wife's passion for running, and men who were a lot more fit than he was. He didn't want to be possessive and tell Michelle that he didn't like her spending so much time with her running friends, but he was starting to feel disconnected in his marriage and was worried about what to do. Michelle seemed so happy, and she was doing what she loved, should he really try and stop her? She had found people to connect with, to talk with, and to run with.

Rob felt an inner turmoil about what to do, but he was starting to feel like Michelle didn't even need him anymore.

The hunter

Beth was fed up with her husband's hunting "obsession," as she called it. He was gone, it seemed, every other weekend for three months out of the year. He spent all of his free time reading hunting, talking hunting, and thinking about hunting. Plus, he spent a LOT of their money on hunting gear, garb, and the like. Beth had tried to be supportive, encouraging him for the past thirteen years of marriage to pursue what he loved, but it had just become too much. She was tired, lonely, and feeling left out. Last year she had decided to try and get into hunting herself, but her husband didn't seem to want to share his hobby with her. He said it was "his thing," to do with his friends. She was hopeless, frustrated, and ready to put an end to either the hunting, or their marriage.

This article about hobbies in marriage was just what I needed to hear - balance, priorities, and less Crossfit!

Continued without communication or change, these scenarios could possibly lead to addiction, affairs, and/or divorce, but they don't have to!

If you or your spouse have found that your hobbies are taking over, it is time to re-evaluate and take a good, deep look at those priorities of yours.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF HOBBIES ARE THREATENING

TO TAKE OVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

1. Nurture your marriage.

What is most important to you and why? If it is your hobby, then your marriage may be lacking the nurturing it currently needs.

First things first. Give your marriage and your spouse your best time, your best attention, and your very best self. Share with your spouse instead of your running buddy. Make date night, getaways, and talk rituals mandatory.

2. Find shared interests and hobbies.

You need to work at creating shared interests and hobbies - and finding things you both love to do together. There will be nothing better for your marriage than developing shared interests and hobbies. As you spend time together side by side, doing what you both love, your relationship will thrive and your friendship will blossom.

3. Communicate.

The sad part in the examples above is that for Andrea & Rob, they hadn't even let their spouse know that his/her hobby was starting to really bug and worry them. Beth had expressed her frustration many a time, but not in the most positive way (Which drove her husband towards hunting even more, where he could be away from his nagging, needy wife!).

Problems come when couples don't communicate about or set boundaries regarding personal hobbies and interests. Communicate often about how each of you feel about your personal hobbies, about how much time each of you will spend on your individual hobbies, and about who you will be spending that time with. You both need to feel comfortable and safe with the situation. You may need to set some boundaries to help you both feel safe and connected, even when you are apart.

4. Make connection a priority.

In all of these scenarios, Andrea, Rob & Beth were feeling like their spouse's hobby was taking priority over their marriage relationship. They were feeling lonely, hurt, or frustrated about the time and attention they were (or rather, weren't) getting from their spouse, and were starting to feel like hobbies were going to mean the downfall of their marriages.

Andrea, Rob & Beth lacked connection in their marriages. And interestingly enough, their spouses were probably turning to the their hobbies in order to have some of their needs met, too. Lack of connection, lack of fulfillment, and other "needs" that aren't met can distance spouses from each other if they aren't intentional, mindful, and careful about their relationship.

Often, when people say their spouse cares more about their hobby than their marriage, what they are really saying is that they feel far, far away from their spouse. Hobbies threaten to overtake and ruin marriages when they cause spouses to feel disconnected and distanced from each other.

You can make efforts to connect with your spouse by learning your spouse's love language, understanding his and her needs,taking time to talk, and creating special rituals of connection.

5. Finally, please remember that personal hobbies are important.

So your husband loves watching golf and you hate it. Let him have his golf time. Ask him if he wants you to pick up his favorite sandwich while he watches the big tournament. Or perhaps your wife loves to paint while listening to classical music. Encourage her to pursue her hobby and make sure she has time for it.

As you encourage each other in your hobbies, you will be more renewed, refreshed, and happy - for each other.

Please know that this article isn't saying that personal hobbies in marriage are inherently bad, because they aren't. However, they can only be good for a marriage when they take their rightful place in each spouse's list of priorities.

As you make connection a high priority in your marriage, your hobbies will find their rightful place in your life - where they don't dominate your life, and they aren't swept under the rug, either - and you will find that you and your spouse both feel more connected, more fulfilled, and more happy as you figure out this thing called "marriage."

Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

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26 Comments

Kembe

12/27/2016 04:34:20 pm

I really enjoyed this article. Keep up the great work!

A&A

3/27/2018 05:35:15 am

Thanks, Kembe!

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Mary

11/8/2017 12:03:25 pm

My husband is obsessed with his motorcycle. All he wants to do is ride it. And when he’s home, all he wants to do is watch television shows about motorcycles. When we go on a trip he never wants to take the car. It’s always the motorcycle. On FB all he posts anymore are pics of his motorcycle with a sign in the back round of where he road. I feel very disconnected, frustrated and hurt. Your advice was helpful. I’m gonna see about getting him and I into a dance class or something we can do together. Maybe then he will realize there can be other interests out there that can involve the both of us. Thanks for the article. It was helpful.

Carla

3/31/2018 04:12:05 am

My husband is the same. He is always on YouTube watching motorcycle videos, when he's not doing that, he's going to bike shops and bike equipment shops. We have been together for 8 years and this motorcycle thing started about a year ago. It's so frustrating, I was so close to calling it quits about a month ago. We then found out that we will be having a baby and I thought he would change, but now he's spending even more time with the bike in the garage and looking for helmets, equipment etc. I am so desperate, I don't know what to do. I want my old husband back, but I feel like he is gone forever and I've been somehow replaced by a horrible hobby! I know it sounds dramatic, but I thought we had something special. I'm not sure of it anymore...

Dominique

4/1/2018 07:12:52 am

Hey, I can somewhat relate to this, my husband spend his whole day on youtube & games ... like nothing else is as important then that anymore. Plus i get fustrated because he's not even doing this for money or a career just for fun!

Paul

4/12/2018 04:02:56 am

As a husband with a hobby. I can relate for me my hobby helps me build my sense of achievement. I am no spring chicken anymore so my athletic career stopped years ago. So I turned to gaming for self affirmation and a feeling of accomplishment. This article helped me see that its okay but I need boundaries I can not place them myself but my wife does, and when she gives me time with my hobby I don't have to sneak around and do it. Because when that happens I go to a place where I lose the since of time and play for hours. I love my wife a I told her that I need to be alone sometimes and that's makes her feel isolated I understand now that I can find a new hobby but not a new wife. But I will say this utilmatiums don't work because all us men do is think is of course I would pick you over X but why threaten our marriage like a poker chip. But one day anyway I will just call your buff and it won't be pretty.

Selma

4/28/2018 08:00:52 pm

In your opinion, how much time should your spouse spend on their hobby? Both my spouse and I work 40-50/wk. His hobbies usually take an entire weekend day, and then either an entire evening or afternoon as well. So about 12 hours/wk. What do you think is a normal amount to spend on a hobby? I don't mind him doing his own thing, I just wish he wasn't away doing it for 6-10 hours at a time.

Paula link

6/6/2023 03:31:42 pm

That is a great question I have been trying to get an answer to as well. My husband of 5 years is now obsessed with disc golf. He spends two nights a week playing on different leagues as well as a couple Saturday’s a month along with tournaments. This is all year long. Averaging anywhere from 12 to 22 hours per week. He is very good and plays at a pro level and I am very proud of him. However it makes me very sad that he has discarded the hobbies we used to have together. I have negotiated with him and set a boundary of two nights a week but he never seems to be able to stick to it. He gets upset with me when I remind him that he agreed to keep it at 2 nights a week. It makes me incredibly sad. I feel we lost our connection and no longer have anything in common. He always wants me to come with and walk the course with him but I don’t have that amount of time because of chores, pets, and my elderly parents that I help out. I stopped being any kind of priority to him when he got into this hobby. He can’t even stay of of his phone if we are spending time together because he is watching disc golf tournaments on him phone.

E link

6/23/2018 09:07:57 pm

My husband has picked up on fishing. He is the primary income and I am the homemaker with two toddler age kids and pregnant with our 3rd. I take care of all the household needs and I work very part time from home as well. I feel like my job is literally 24/7, 365, where us his 40 to 50 a week. When he isnt working he wants to be fishing and if he isn't doing that it's like talking to a wall who is glued to fishing videos on his phone. This has started this summer and at first I felt like supporting him to take time to do a hobby but he has enjoyed it so much it's turned into what I've described above. Not only do I feel neglected, cuz he is too tired to give me affection but he has energy for his hobby? And what about me? I literally never get alone time to do something I enjoy. And the kids... they are always with me now... I feel like it's pulling teeth to do family stuff now or to even have him be the one to care for them. I started speaking up on it and his reaction is totally negative like "well I guess I can't fish at all anymore, I'll just have to give it up." I even asked him to read this article and it was the same, he had no interest in trying to come up with ideas to compromise. I feel like we are going to eventually head down the D word... I just don't know how long I put up with this? how long do I stay unhappy before I do something? how many empty threats can I make before it makes no effect? Im feeling super lost, especially with young children.

Estoph

6/25/2018 07:56:36 pm

I am in the same situation. All my other half wants to do is fish, watch fishing and talk about fishingwith any spare time outside working 😣it is so frustrating. I work full time as a nurse and we have 3 little ones too. If I ask him to stay home he sits and pouts the whole time so I eventually end up just telling him to go. I feel like he should want to spend time with us and we shouldn't have to beg him. Same as you said to there is no time for me to have leisure time. 😑 it gets exhausting I feel Your pain

Sara K

8/22/2018 11:06:29 am

I feel for both of you - I deal with the same thing, my husband loves fishing, I think more then me. He lives and breathes fishing, when he isn't at work all he does is watch fishing videos, go fishing or talk about fishing. It drives me nuts! And forget about doing something as a family on a nice day because all we will hear about is how nice it is and how he didn't get to go fishing. I tell him he is obsessed and he just gets mad. He says "then I will sell my stuff and not fish ever again" - no compromise. I am about to pull my hair out!

Princessdi77

5/1/2019 02:58:58 pm

I am in the same “fishing boat” ladies. I enjoy fishing myself so it use to be something we had in common. But he kept dragging me out on the boat from sun up to sun down and I would get boat sick eventually so I stopped going. If I wanna bank fish w him he still wants to go all day and I said can’t you compromise and go for a few hours and then we go do something else?!! He says no it’s not worth it. Ugh. He’s also said the same thing as your husbands...well I guess I’ll never fish again and whines like a baby not willing to compromise. And just like your DH he is 24/7 watching talking or at fish stores. He is actually really boring to me now that the thrill has worn off because he can’t broaden his hobbies. He also plays video games. Which again I enjoy too but very limited and once and a while. It’s like all out marathon or nothing with my husband. Then he says people who can’t commit like that never get good at anything...well maybe so but they also aren’t alone like you’re gonna be Which is where he’s headed. I fault myself some with this though as I knew he loved fishing before but now that we are married it’s way more apparent how obsessed he is. We use to go on dates and 4 wheel and hike but now he just is obsessed w fish. I feel like men like this are so selfish because even when they are with you they really want to be fishing or watching videos on it or chatting w buddies about it. I’m like Really? Ok then byeeeee! I’ve started planning stuff with other people all the time now instead of him because I don’t feel like him pouting if we do something together and he didn’t get to fish. He guilts me about it too which I just wanna say really? go fish then I won’t be here when you get back I’m going to find someone who actually is well rounded and wants to spend time with me. he might miss me for a day but I almost think he’d be relived that he can fish on a daily basis and spend all his money on that with out thinking of someone else like me. It’s immaturity imo. He can’t even get around to doing the yard because he’s fishing. I work full time btw clean the house and do a lot of other stuff meanwhile he can barely take out the trash unless I say something. so the whole obsessed thing w fish boils down to a little boy in a man’s body. Grow up and take care of you’re responsibilities that you chose to take on! They want a wife and kids and house but want their wife to take care of all that. Nope. So this article might help some but others need to just leave their little boys. Divorce is not to be taken lightly but when someone is completely absent from the marriage it’s time. Oh and one other thing men like this are always obsessed with porn too and usually are cheaters. I think they just want the easy route in life in marriage in everything and just want to play all day. They might be fun to hang around but they make awful husbands.

Elizabeth

8/19/2018 01:02:20 am

I feel like this!! It's more about a hobby we used to do together for years! We hunt together and fish together. But ever since we had our son 17 months ago I have not be able to 1 thing with him. He leaves and goes fishing every weekend he has off, he also hunts every weekend. And everytime I ask to go he shuts me down. It's very weird! My sister said she would watch our son and he refused. I feel confused and really hurt by it 😢

Ellen

4/1/2019 06:41:13 am

I am so sorry to say the majority of this so called hobbies ? The spouse is straight up SELFISH ! I know mine is way to old to change. If you do not come first from day one. You never will . Sad

Michelle

5/5/2019 11:22:07 am

My husband rather be on a golf course than spend time with me… It’s gotten worse over the last several years and now I find myself alone on the weekends looking for fulfillment. Everything he does revolves around trying not to feel guilty about leaving me on the weekends. I’ve actually threatened divorce and he says he’ll try to change but he never will… We’ve been married for 28 years and I’ve never felt so lonely. I know I could go get my own hobbies but it was hiking with him. Now what do I do go hiking with friends. I want to be connected with him I want to share time with him. I don’t know what to do

K.T. link

11/19/2019 05:52:02 pm

I can relate!
My husband travels at least 3 days a week every week.
Was golfing almost every Saturday and Sunday.
After,I told him that I just couldn’t continue like this, he agreed to just do one day a weekend.(he still golfs during the week when not traveling.)
I felt good about the compromise until he started signing up for tournaments and would still manage to be gone the full weekend at least once a month.
I’m lonely and tired of arguing about it.

Brenna Finch

4/26/2019 10:35:23 pm

I just found out from my fiance(whose name is also Rob(as there are a few guys in this article with the same name), that he's going to be taking up fishing in the summer as well(not for a hobby, but an actual paid job)! Ill

SaltWife

7/3/2019 09:42:32 am

My heart goes out to all the wonderful women who support each other on this site... I thought I was the only one who had a husband use fishing as a replacement for his addiction which was alcohol even though he has not had a drink in 10 years. However he uses it as his escape and what used to be fun is an obsession. It is a deflection from engaging in real life and acknowledging the people you love because it can be considered a "healthy" hobby. Richard Bach said, "Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully." I have risen to m husband's challenges, always aware of my faults and mistakes, and owning my own selfish nature which I ask for The Lord's help. I'm not a newfound born-again, no offense... but I have been blessed with faith and I know that there no matter what any problem is fixable and my husband may not always have the right answer... Too much of one "good" thing like fishing can cause financial trouble, tunnel vision, and forced pressure on sons......I thought I was the only one. Thank You! God Forbid I don't Package that catch up right!!! By the way I work full time for the government after getting off SSD and have an autistic and special needs son...which hubby puts on my shoulders because his job is harder than mine and he makes more money....

Married 40 years

3/1/2020 04:06:21 pm

My husband has been involved in church music for our entire marriage. He plays and instrument and spends an hour each day on practice. He used to direct an orchestra and write the parts. He also exercises for an hour a day. I used to be involved in the music somewhat. But I got tired of looking at his back every night as he worked on arrangements. If I said anything I was "not interested in the Lord's work". On top of that we moved repeatedly so that he could remodel a new house. Not to mention his one hour of devotions every night when he cannot be disturbed. But, you better believe that he wants instant attention when he wants something. If he wants to know where something is or any information he shouts across the house until I come to him. It doesn't matter what I am doing, even if I am on the phone.
Tonight I called him when the our water softener wasn't working because he had let it run out of salt again.He was out looking at lots because he wants to build a house to sell. I am somewhat handy and took care of the water softener but because he neglected it I have rust to clean up in all the baths, the kitchen, and the washing machine.
I've done all the relational things over and over. He is just married to his schedule and his pursuits. He always has some pseudo spiritual reason for what he does. So I get painted as unspiritual when I ask for time. I've just quit asking and he can reap what he sows relationally.

12/27/2021 09:08:00 pm

My husband is a good man but he has his hobbies and is free to pursue them as he wishes. We have a 19yr old son who is into his own thing. I don’t put any time constraints on my husband’s hobby. I have a horse and I go to the barn when I’m more likely to run into other boarders. Consequently, I may get home in the early evening and my husband is furious that I’m home so late and dinner is late. I feel resentful

Married 31 years

12/8/2021 05:55:53 am

I would hope your husbands wake up and realize how beautiful, wonderful and loving you all are to them and your family.

I was one of those knuckleheads with so called hobbies. I gave extremely more time to those hobbies than my wife and family. Instead of learning how to communicate with my wife, I shielded my feelings with occasional drinking and giving more time to hobbies. This very day, we are suffering from all the harm it caused within our family. I hope you can get them to go to counseling and learn more about what it takes for a successful marriage. We both had to take accountability for actions and work on our commitment to our marriage.

GAYLE L VITO

3/12/2022 07:39:39 am

As a widow in my 70s I figured out why husbands are so obsessed with their hobbies. I think I have standing because my husband's hobby killed him. He began go-kart racing at the age of 51. He had been obsessed with go-karts since a neighbor kid got one. While most people would have forgotten a childish envy of the kid with the kart, my husband never did. Over the ten years that he raced his kart he spent an average of ten thousand dollars a year on it. At age 62 he was hit in the head with a tire that flew off another kart. He lived for 10 months with a traumatic brain injury in hospitals, rehab centers and finally a nursing home where he passed away less than 48 hours after I placed him in hospice care. While he regained minimal consciousness, he never recognized anyone, never spoke and was paralyzed or at least had no purposeful limb movement.

I finally figured out that hobbies never ask for anything back and only give intense pleasure. A wife and children as well as work demand attention and have needs. Hobbies just give. My husband was always very frugal except with his hobby. A set of tires for a race cost $150 and need to be replaced for every race. While his spending continued, my hobby was going to thrift stores and perhaps spending $2 even when I was the major breadwinner after he was laid off at age 58. I guess I should not criticize my husband now that he is gone, but i feel so much better knowing that he died because of enjoying extreme pleasure that I could never give him from a mistress that asked nothing of him other than to enjoy himself.

2/6/2023 03:21:11 am

Your insight is truly spot on and needs to be seen by more young wives.

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9/7/2023 04:23:32 pm

My husband is devoted to his hobbies- and he has many! He is an extremely talented individual and I am really impressed by how good he is at everything he touches, but lately it just feels like my entire schedule and conversation is solely based upon HIS hobbies and desires. When we were dating, he was really into BMX biking, which he spent a lot of time on but it was something I could hang out and watch. Once we got married, it grew to include 3 different bikes and bike styles, Frisbee golfing, skateboarding (for skate parks), longboarding (for roads), dirtbiking, RC cars, then two different RC cars. Recently it's been the RC cars that take up every single moment of his mental energy and time. When he wakes up for work, he's on his phone right away buying RC parts on eBay instead of hugging up to me in bed, then after work, he goes straight to his buddies for RC races. He comes home late and then continues to work on his RC on our dining table or watch RC/dirtbiking videos. If I try to talk to him, it's like talking to a wall.. he won't stop for anything and insists that he can multitask, but then he doesn't remember a thing I say. He makes plans all weekend with friends with toys, and if I ask him to do something he just says "we'll see"... like we'll see if something better comes up and if it doesn't then we could do something together. I am literally so independent and do almost everything by myself and I used to like that he wasn't clingy, but as the hobbies increase, there is just only so much time in the day and the last thing to get attention is me.. so the quality of attention is so weak, and it's the last few minutes before he falls asleep. Today, he actually came home after work which is not normal, so I excitedly came out and starting hugging on him and telling him a funny story about my day after hearing all about his day. When I was MID SENTENCE, he picked up his RC hobby tote and literally walked out the front door with it to load it in his truck. I was so hurt that he didn't even care about me enough to listen to a super quick story so I just said "are you kidding me" and left the room. He came back inside confused why I was hurt and said it's no big deal he is just getting ready to RC with his friends, then he actually got mad and told me to hurry up and finish the story! He doesn't understand that walking out of the house when your partner is in the middle of a 30 second funny story kills the mood and makes me feel isolated and uncared for.. it also ruined the humor of the story and made me feel stupid. He then left like nothing happened and will come home at 9pm and expect me to shower with him and eat dinner with him like my life revolves around his hobby schedule. I am starting to think that I must just be the most boring person on the planet.

P.s. I did text him and just say that it hurts me when he makes me feel unimportant, he did apologize and say that he just has to get all his hobbies in while the weather is nice.. I guess he's not worried about dating his wife or doing a dang thing with her while the weather is nice.

5 Things You Can do When Hobbies Threaten to Overtake Your Marriage

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF HOBBIES ARE THREATENING

TO TAKE OVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

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5 Things You Can do When Hobbies Threaten to Overtake Your Marriage

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF HOBBIES ARE THREATENING ​TO TAKE OVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

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ConflictResolution

You Know You Want to Read

Everybody Loves These

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF HOBBIES ARE THREATENING

TO TAKE OVER YOUR MARRIAGE?

Conflict
Resolution