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The Grass is Greener Where You Water It

8/23/2017

6 Comments

 
A fabulous article about how to take care of your marriage.
Written by Kyle Benson
This article was originally published on the Gottman Relationship Blog
After studying more than 3,000 couples in his Love Lab over the last four decades, Dr. John Gottman has discovered that the most important issue in marriage is trust.

Can I trust you to be there for me when I’m upset?

Can I trust you to choose me over your friends?

Can I trust you to respect me?


Couples that trust each other understand that a good marriage doesn’t just happen on its own. It needs to be cultivated.

These couples express appreciation for each other. They brag about each other’s talents and achievements. They say “I love you” every day.
such a great marriage book!
Even in the heat of conflict, they consider the other’s perspective. They are able to empathize with each other, even when they don’t agree, and they are there for each other during times of illness or stress.

They understand that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. As Neil Barringham says, “The grass is greener where you water it.”

Building trust

Trust is built in very small moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

One single moment is not that important, but if you’re consistently choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually and very slowly.

When this happens, the story of your relationship begins to turn negative. You begin to focus on your partner’s flaws. You forget about their traits you admire and value.

Eventually you start making what researcher Caryl Rusbult calls “negative comparisons.” You start to compare your spouse to someone else, real or imagined, and you think, “I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing them, and building resentment rather than gratitude.
​
Behavioral economist Dan Ariely explains this phenomenon in dating.


​​Building trust and commitment requires intentional effort. Here are fives ways to invest in your relationship.

Turn Towards Bids for Connection

Bids are the building blocks of lasting love. In one study of newlywed couples in Dr. Gottman’s lab, couples that stayed together turned towards each other 86% of the time, whereas couples that eventually divorced only did it 33% of the time. That’s a big difference.

When bids fail, as they inevitably do in all relationships, seek to repair. Remember that repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.

Flip Your Internal Script

Negative thoughts cause you to miss 50% of your partner’s bids, according to research by Robinson and Price. This makes it difficult to build trust.

Learn to separate specific relationship problems from the overall view of your partner. Make an intentional effort to replace negative thoughts with compassion and empathy.
​
Ritualize Cherishing

The best way to keep yourself from making “negative comparisons” is to actively cherish your partner. Get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts about each other rather than thoughts about someone else.

Think about the things you appreciate about your partner and tell them. Thanks for being so adventurous with me. You’re such an amazing cook. You’re such a great dad.
The grass is always greener where you water it - especially in marriage.
Learn to Fight Smarter

Happy couples complain without blame by talking about what they feel and what they need, not what they don’t need. They are gentle and they give their partner a recipe to be successful with them.

Schedule a weekly State of the Union meeting to discuss areas of concern in your relationship.

Create We Time

It’s easy to find excuses for not dedicating time for your relationship. We’re too busy. We work a lot. We’re always with the kids.

Find time go on dates, ask each other open-ended questions, and continue to create rituals of connection that allow you to connect emotionally. It’s the best investment you’ll ever make.
We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Choose each other, day after day. 

​~
​
Want to improve your marriage 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up for The Marriage Minute here.

Photo Credit: Top Photo - Jason Corey Photography; Bottom Photo - Bryan Striegler Photo
we wrote a book - check it out!

You may also enjoy Can Watching 5 Movies Help Your Marriage and 25 Ways to Give Your Spouse the Time of Day
6 Comments
Sarah
8/25/2017 06:17:20 am

What are "bids" I reread the article (its good) but I'm not understanding what bids are.

Reply
Aaron & April link
8/28/2017 06:00:56 am

Sarah,

Thanks for asking for a little clarification.

"Bids" are a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. This article explains (and gives examples) of what "bids" are.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-love/201209/when-it-comes-relationships-the-little-things-count

This is from the article, "However, there is some “small stuff” that we shouldn’t ignore or neglect. Like when a friend calls us to chat, or our spouse smiles and gives us a hug, or our children ask us to read them a story or show us their latest drawing. At first glance, these behaviors may seem trivial and unimportant. But they actually represent very important attempts by our partners to establish intimacy and to connect with us emotionally. Such demands for emotional involvement have been labeled “bids for emotional connection” by respected clinician and scholar Dr. John Gottman, who has conducted extensive research on the topic (see http://www.gottman.com/)."

Simply put, they are words, gestures, or actions that you or your spouse would make to try and get the other person to pay attention to you.

If you say something to your spouse like "Today my sister called me and told me this," and they ignore you or don't really respond, you have made a bid for their attention and they have turned away from you (usually without realizing it).

If your spouse tries to hug you and you simply pat them or kind of push them away (not trying to be rude, but just focused on something else) they are "bidding" for your time and emotional connection, but you are ignoring them.

Does that make more sense now?

Couples who turn towards each other seem to develop a stronger emotional connection because they keep each other as their first priority, respect each other, and give each other their time, affection, and attention.

Hope that helps!

Reply
Monica
8/25/2017 07:37:32 am

I too am confused. What are "bids"?

Reply
Aaron & April link
8/28/2017 06:01:40 am

Monica,

Thanks for your comment! This is what we said to Sarah, hopefully this is helpful for you. Please ask any follow up questions you may have. :)

Thanks for asking for a little clarification.

"Bids" are a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. This article explains (and gives examples) of what "bids" are.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-love/201209/when-it-comes-relationships-the-little-things-count

This is from the article, "However, there is some “small stuff” that we shouldn’t ignore or neglect. Like when a friend calls us to chat, or our spouse smiles and gives us a hug, or our children ask us to read them a story or show us their latest drawing. At first glance, these behaviors may seem trivial and unimportant. But they actually represent very important attempts by our partners to establish intimacy and to connect with us emotionally. Such demands for emotional involvement have been labeled “bids for emotional connection” by respected clinician and scholar Dr. John Gottman, who has conducted extensive research on the topic (see http://www.gottman.com/)."

Simply put, they are words, gestures, or actions that you or your spouse would make to try and get the other person to pay attention to you.

If you say something to your spouse like "Today my sister called me and told me this," and they ignore you or don't really respond, you have made a bid for their attention and they have turned away from you (usually without realizing it).

If your spouse tries to hug you and you simply pat them or kind of push them away (not trying to be rude, but just focused on something else) they are "bidding" for your time and emotional connection, but you are ignoring them.

Does that make more sense now?

Couples who turn towards each other seem to develop a stronger emotional connection because they keep each other as their first priority, respect each other, and give each other their time, affection, and attention.

Hope that helps!

Reply
Cassie from True Agape link
10/20/2017 07:33:25 am

We time is so important as a couple. You got to spend time with each other which is very healthy.

Reply
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/13/2022 03:19:02 pm

Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try this: emutemple@gmail.com copy and message on the following ( emutemple@gmail.com ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341

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