Creating Couple Safety

Written by Dr. Jonathan Sandberg from The Relate Institute

​Professor Sandberg is involved in the Marriage and Family Therapy Programs at BYU, a Certified Emotionally Focused Supervisor with the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute, and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Utah.

I once heard from a young person something very insightful, a comment like this: “I guess I am just in love with the feeling of being in love.” Yes, feeling deep love from and for another person is a sublime experience. But, it is about the deep, serene, and settled sense of safety and security that comes withmature romantic love I write about today. That type of safety within a couple relationship has a name; it is called “attachment security”. The concept of secure or insecure attachment actually has its roots in parent-child research. John Bowlby, and later others, proposed that when a child feels a parent is accessible (“I can find you”) and responsive (“you reach out to me and comfort me when I call”), a secure attachment can develop. Accessibility and responsiveness become key attachment behaviors.
​
Other researchers have since proposed that a similar process occurs within a romantic relationship, namely, when a partner can consistently reach out for and find love and reassurance from her/his spouse, a secure bond of attachment is created. Sue Johnson has described this bonding as engagement.Accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement are three key attachment behaviors, and when present in a relationship, couples are more likely to feel satisfied and stable in their relationship, as well as communicate more effectively.

How then can a couple promote these key attachment behaviors in their relationship?

Attachment Do’s and Don’ts

To be more accessible,

DO:

• answer her/his phone calls
• schedule and follow through on plans to spend face-to-face time (not facetime) together

DON’T:

• place work, church service, or children above the marriage
• give too large a portion of your time to hobbies

To be more responsive,

DO:

• put down or put away all electronic devices when together with your spouse—this appears to be the primary impediment to responsiveness in modern marriages
• develop good listening skills (look at your partner when s/he is talking to you, validate, etc.)

DON’T:

• ignore or dismiss your partner or her/his feelings
• give the silent treatment

To be more engaged,

DO:

• be warm and reassuring when your partner is in distress
• express your commitment to and confidence in your spouse

DON’T:

• criticize or give advice when your partner reaches out to you
• take over her/his problem, which conveys a message that you think they are not competent

We can all take small steps to increase our accessibility and responsiveness to and engagement with our spouses. These steps can make a difference in our marriages.

What are your thoughts on these do’s and don’ts? What has worked for you in creating attachment security?
​
For more tips on building attachment security, take the RELATE assessment!

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels

---

You may also enjoy 3 Ways to Improve Sexual Intimacy, Why Some Couples "Over-Share" on Facebook, and this interview with Ryan & Jeni Awerkamp