Written by Tawny May
I had a beautiful realization a little while ago that sunk deep into my soul and has since become a pet peeve of mine. Every time I hear someone say the dreaded words, "marriage is hard," I want to reach out and slap them square in the face. Joking. Instead, I'll just deliver this figurative slap-in-the-face so those comments cease immediately and everlastingly. Commencing cyber-rant:
Marriage is hard? First of all, why would we ever say something that could directly reflect negative thoughts or feelings about our spouse? I would feel awful if my husband said that marriage was hard because that would mean that being married to ME is hard. And how is that supposed to make me feel? (Or what about making this comment to someone that's not yet married? "Look what you have to look forward to..." Great. Very Encouraging!)
Second of all, here's my big newsflash: Marriage is not hard. LIFE is hard and relationships are sometimes difficult to maintain. Am I the only one that finds it a liiiiiittle challenging to stay on perfectly good terms 100% of the time with my brother, my mother, my best friend from kindergarten, my college roommate, and--YES--even sometimes my spouse? (Heaven knows the reverse is also true.)
But guess what? That's because relationships--no matter with whom you have them--require work, patience, service, love, time, and an endless amount of attention and effort in order for them to work. Because we can't focus all our time on each of our important relationships, you may notice a strain on some of them from time to time--maybe you feel distanced from one another or perhaps you have a little tiff or argument. And then you get to spend additional time and energy dedicated to that blessed conflict resolution process (regardless of how short or long that process is, there's always a bit of confrontation and communication required) in order to reach a resolution. It's called work. And, let's face it, friends, relationships--marriage included and especially--are work. But it's all worth it in the end, right?
Thirdly, let's talk about that comment; I always hear people say things like, "Ah, my husband and I disagree about X. Sigh, marriage is so hard...but it's worth it!" If I had a nickel for every time I heard someone say a negative comment about marriage or parenthood directly followed by, "but it's so worth it!" I'd be freaking rich. (But I'd also be miserable because the first comment always negates the "it's so worth it" and it just ends up being toxic. So stop saying that, too.)
To make more sense of the marriage-is-so-hard-but-so-"worth-it" mentality, let's examine what makes a marriage "worth it." It isn't a perfect relationship completely devoid of arguments, disagreements, or hard times, full of only perfect experiences (though those certainly help). The "worth it" part is made up of the in-between moments, the sharing of raw life with someone--the waking up next to your lover, the enjoying a simple meal with your best friend talking about nothing, and planning a future with the person that shares your soul. It's all the little things that, when you're alone, you wish you were with your spouse so you could share those moments with him or her. The laughter, the life lessons learned, the growth, the routines, the memories...that's what makes marriage "worth it." And yes, it's work.
Marriage is hard? Think about this--even if you weren't married and living with your spouse, you would be roommates with your best friend or a sibling and you'd still have little bumps to work through and pet peeves to get over (like them leaving dishes in the sink or socks on the floor). Heck, even living by yourself would be hard and that's because LIFE IS HARD and you'd be lonely!
Next time you're tempted to say, "marriage is hard" just... don't. I repeat, marriage isn't hard; life is hard and relationships require work. Instead of focusing on how "hard" marriage is, why don't we focus on how beautiful it is that we have a spouse with us on the crazy journey of life to keep us company, make things interesting, and to help us be better people. Marriage isn't what's hard--marriage is what gets us through the hard.
Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels
You may also enjoy 7 Ways Your iPhone is Destroying Your Marriage and Why You Should Still Ask Your Spouse Out on Dates
I am waiting to get married and i love this article for exposing the words people use to put fear and dread in my heart. I have to negate these words myself and say "marriage is a fun journey but not hard" so i go ahead and get married.
2/12/2016 08:03:09 am
Thank you so much for your comment; we are thrilled that this article was helpful for you!
2/12/2016 08:00:48 am
Iam just a year in marriage and we already have some up and downs at first I thought it was hard but after reading these today iam really challenged and ready to work on my relationship and enjoy many years with my spouse thank u very much iam really learning alot from ur materials i wish many people can be exposed to these
Aaron & April
2/13/2016 08:36:27 am
Thanks for sharing!
2/12/2016 08:15:29 am
I don't understand why the word 'hard' has to have a negative connotation associated with it. 'Hard' doesn't necessarily equal 'bad'. I think most marriages are hard at first - trying to figure out how to blend two different people with different backgrounds into one unit that works together successfully. The 'hard' times are what bind you together and make you stronger. It's what makes us grow, and sometimes growth is hard! I think it's all in how you choose to perceive it...
2/12/2016 02:31:52 pm
Totally agree! Marriage is meant to help two people grow in unison. This can be very challenging at times, and requires patients, longsuffering, forgiveness, and selflessness. All of which do not come naturally, but, over time, are learned and mastered through marriage. Growth and change are always difficult at first... A lot like exercise, but then the pain subsides, and the urge/craving to continue takes over... Agree with Stacia's perspective!
Aaron & April
2/13/2016 08:38:10 am
Great insights Stacia and Stephen - thanks for sharing!
8/3/2018 06:26:48 am
Thank you for letting me know that all relationships--no matter with whom you have them--require work, patience, service, love, time, and an endless amount of attention and effort in order for them to work. Me and my husband have been having a really rough marriage lately. I've been saying it is hard is heck. After reading your article, it give me hope that me and my husband can learn how to love each other more. Along with following your tips, I want to find a place that does family counseling.
6/13/2022 01:00:06 pm
Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try this: email@example.com copy and message on the following ( firstname.lastname@example.org ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341
Leave a Reply.
The Little Things
“Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that create your love story.”
You Know You Want to Read
Everybody Loves These