Written by Ryan Eggett
Friendship
What’s Love Got to Do with It? Everything! One of the modern miracles of technology is the fact that you can have 500 channels and nothing to watch. As my wife and I suffered through the selection process a few nights ago one title caught our eye: “Married at First Sight.” We agreed to just “watch a few minutes,” which of course turned into two full episodes. The idea of the show was intriguing. Participants submitted online profiles and a few were selected for personal interviews with three marriage experts. The so-called experts then matched each participant with a compatible mate from the participant pool. What really kept us watching was the participants’ commitment to “marry at first sight” the person with whom they were matched. On the surface it seemed reasonable. Compatibility is a very important part of marriage and the important details of attraction, education, motivation and religion had all been considered. The matches seemed logical, however, it quickly became apparent that there was one thing they had seriously missed: Love! READ: 7 DATE NIGHTS TO GET YOUR ADRENALINE PUMPING! Even though compatibility is important, love is more than compatibility. More material has been written, sung, and studied regarding love than practically any other topic. Truly the love that should exist between a husband and wife is multi-faceted. Were it not so, the marriage decision would be extremely simple. The man or woman could say, “I want someone with black hair. You have black hair. I love you!” For most people a fair number of “stars must align” for love to develop.
Friendship, Passion, and Commitment: The Marriage Essentials
Robert Sternberg, a well-known American psychologist and educator, theorized that “consummate love,” or what I call “spousal love,” consisted of three separate but connected concepts. First, friendship or emotional intimacy. Second, passion or a physical desire for one another. Third, commitment or a conscious decision to continue the relationship and to make plans for the future with another. This trio of ideas is known as “Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love.” Even though there are some obvious oversimplifications and extreme differences in how these concepts function amongst couples, there are great lessons in this theory. This is particularly true as we seek to build and strengthen marital relationships. Friendship (Emotional Intimacy) If we want to increase the overall amount of love in our relationship, a good place to start is by increasing our level of friendship. Friendship is a mutual feeling of affection. A friend is more than just a person “we have fun with,” even though that can be an important part. Friendship also entails a mutual and genuine concern for the happiness and well-being of the other. I learned this in a very memorable way. When I was in my late twenties, I went with several friends/colleagues to visit the ruins in Mexico. At one point there was a disagreement on visiting an additional site. I eventually persuaded a group to go with me–which left a part of the group not knowing where we had gone (sounds really terrible in writing—it actually sounds just as bad when I say it!). When we returned I was confronted by one of the men who had been left behind. I argued that he would have done the same thing. His reply severely stung, “I would have never left you, because I am your friend.” READ: WHY GIRLS' AND GUYS' NIGHTS OUT MAY ACTUALLY BE HURTING YOUR MARRIAGE Caring deeply for another requires deliberate effort. Friendship is a very “living” part of the marriage relationship, and must be treated as such. As Bill Hanawalt explained, “Friendship has to be nourished and nurtured regularly or it faces the danger of becoming a business relationship. I have seen many distant and business-like marriages where careers have developed and children have come into the picture, and the priority of emotional connection has been left to die on the vine.”¹
So how do we become better friends with our spouse? Consider these three suggestions:
1. Do things together. C.S. Lewis said of developing friendship: “It is when we are doing things together that friendship springs up — painting, sailing ships, praying, philosophizing, and fighting shoulder to shoulder. Friends look in the same direction.” Doing things together builds the bonds of memories and plows the soil for fruitful communication. 2. Learn more about each other. As we learn more about our spouses, particularly their past experiences, our understanding of their feelings and behavior deepens. We readily like those we know and understand. It is said that Mr. Rogers carried a quote in his wallet that read: “There isn’t anyone you couldn’t love once you’ve heard their story.” (Mary Lou Kownacki) 3. Strive for the happiness of your spouse. We’ve all heard the adage that we love those we serve. This is especially true in marriage. Friendship requires a high degree of selflessness. As David O McKay said to his prospective father-in-law “I can give her nothing but a true love and a heart and mind whose one desire is to make her happy.”2
Advice for Prospective Couples
Physical attraction is often what brings couples together. Passion, therefore, is usually not a problem during the early stages of a relationship. Friendship, on the other hand, of necessity takes time and effort. While I was teaching a college philosophy class a student told the following story that perfectly illustrates this point. She said, “When my husband and I were newly engaged our relationship was full of passion. During our wedding-planning months he was called into active duty and left to serve a tour in Iraq. The distance between us stopped many of our expressions of passion, however, we spent the nine months he was gone developing our friendship. We learned things about each other that we might have never known had we not been separated. We also learned what it was like to work and worry for the well-being of someone else. When he returned home, our passion quickly reignited, but this time it was matched by a deep level of friendship. I can’t imagine what we would have missed if true friendship had never been given a chance to develop.” A Thought for the Growing Couple Make a goal to really connect daily and then fiercely guard that time together. As you find your career and family growing, you will need to make a conscious effort to grow together instead of apart. It won’t be easy. Because our children came very quickly, we spent most of our college years with a young family. To provide for our family during our schooling, I worked a swing-shift 50 miles from our home. Even though I wouldn’t arrive home until 1am, I always found my wife awake and waiting to spend time together. It obviously wasn’t much. We usually just spent 30 minutes or so watching a re-run and discussing the details of the day, but it reminded us we were pulling the load together. A Question for the Seasoned Couple A curious thing happened to me a few years ago. I had just moved into a new neighborhood when a man in his sixties came across the street to talk. Knowing that I was very interested in the subject of marriage, his asked me this question: “Why are so many of our friends in their sixties getting divorced?” I reflected the question back to him, to which he answered: “They say that with the children gone they no longer have anything in common!” For many of these couples, retirement had opened their eyes to the fact that they were living with a stranger. For too many couples, friendship was a focus during the dating and courtship years but neglected throughout their marriages. We are never too old, and it is never too late, to deepen our marital friendship. The Best is Yet to Come On my parents’ living room wall hang two pictures. One from their wedding 54 years ago; the other is a recent portrait. The caption over them says, “Grow old with me, the best is yet to come.” I’ve never worried about them just sitting in their rocking chairs waiting for me to visit. I often call and discover that they are in Colorado at a hot springs, or in Yellowstone watching the wildlife. Their example has taught me that spousal friendship can be the best part of life, no matter your age.
This article was originally published on The Art of Living website.
Photo Credit: Jason Corey Photography
45 Comments
Tina Crowder
10/21/2016 06:58:05 am
Great article...if one or more of the components is missing, then the relationship dies.
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Aliyah Dawson
4/8/2025 06:43:46 am
I have had my fair share of emotional traumas and failed relationships. There is nothing more to life than staying hopeful even when we expect the worse. I was lucky once more when i met my fiancé and he was all that i ever wanted in a man. I was always treated right by him and i had always believed we are ending up together. Unknown to me that devil had struck even before my wishes came through. He was taken from me by another bitch and it was hell for me knowing he had left me. I was so sure that he didn't do so with his clear mind because everything seems award when it occurred. So i had to look for help and I found dr isikolo who revealed to me that my man was hypnotized with charms by the said lady. He worked for me and got my man back to me and now we are back again. I cant be thankful enough knowing everything Dr isikolo promised was fulfilled and knowing the result of his works manifests after 48 hours. No lies about all you will ever hear about him and what he does. Contact him now if need be and be fully assured he wont fail you. Text him on WhatsApp via +2348133261196 or visit his webpage (https://isikolo-temple.com)
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Mark Cornell
4/10/2025 06:45:30 am
I was going through a rough time in my life and it greatly affected my union with my wife. We had so many emotional problems and struggles and this alone made us pay less attention to each other's need. While i was on it trying to fix my problems and get back on my feet so that i can reshape my marriage and make it work better, my wife had women around her that influenced her wrongly and made her took the wrong part by walking away. That incident alone broke me and i was sure she wasnt doing everything she doing with her right senses. I did what i can to restore peace but it never worked and i had to Contact Dr Isikolo who made it possible for me fix the problem. He worked for me and restored back the love and connection between me and my wife and she returne back home. The result of his work started manifesting just after 48 hours as promised and i can bold say everything is fine between us now and we are both happy together, I am here to validate the information out there that Dr Isikolo is a good and honest man that you can trust to help you with your problems. His webpage(https://isikolo-temple.com) and you can as well text him via WhatsApp +234-8133261196.
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Fiorella García
4/14/2025 07:59:40 am
Great chances to have your man back to you and your kids with the help of DR ISIKOLO.
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Teddy Marcelino
4/16/2025 06:43:04 am
I almost lost my marriage when I watched my wife turned into a total stranger and left the kids and I. I was so furious knowing I had done everything possible to ensure I sustained my marriage as a father and husband. The terrible fights we had traumatized me and I couldn’t function properly as a man. I kept on trying to find out what made her did what she did which made me contacted Dr Isikolo. I was surprised to have found out that she was under a huge manipulation from a man who wanted to ruin my marriage with her and take her away from me. Dr Isikolo had to intervene and fixed the problem thereby ensuring she was rescued from the claws of the dark magic charm they used on her. Knowing that I was able to get my family together again with the help of Dr Isikolo gives me joy and I am forever thankful to him. His webpage: https://isikolo-temple.com or text him on WhatsApp via +2348133261196
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Arlene Brown
4/18/2025 06:22:20 am
It gladdens my heart to be out here to say a word of thank you to Dr Isikolo.
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Jason Oswald
4/24/2025 07:02:16 am
I lost my marriage after 2 years and it was a horrible experience for me. My wife left me and my son and everything happened beyond my control and I never knew few people around me engineered my wife and turned her against me just because I choose to build my family and focus more on it. I had to seek help because I know I did not do anything to have my marriage crashed. Dr Isikolo helped me and a lot was revealed to me on what transpired. He cast a love reunion spell that bonded my wife and I back together and the whole evil my family did against me was revealed. Am thankful that my home is back more happier than ever and all the appreciation goes to Dr Isikolo as he indeed fixed my problems just after 48 hours. Text him on WhatsApp via +2348133261196 or review his page https://isikolo-temple.com
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