Living the Love Language: Words of Affirmation

By Tawny May

Dr. Chapman tells the following story to demonstrate the potential of affirming words:

"Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den where she was reading and said, 'I hate to interrupt you, but I have to say--I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You’ve got to submit this stuff to some magazines!'

"Words of affirmation can lift, inspire, motivate, comfort, and remind. Words of affirmation carry a weight and a distinctive power that can change everything."

Although she was hesitant, Allison relied on her husband’s faith in her, and put herself out there. Ten years later, she had several articles published and her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith’s words of encouragement."

Although I don’t agree with how quickly Allison gave up, I feel that Keith’s role and words amply demonstrated the point Dr. Chapman was trying to get across with this story. Words of affirmation can lift, inspire, motivate, comfort, and remind. Words of affirmation carry a weight and a distinctive power that can change everything.
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I realize this may seem directed to our female audience. That is mostly true, only because--as women--we’re more prone to taking any (and almost all) words personally, believing them, and letting them affect us forever and ever (although I’m sure there are some men out there who speak the love language of words of affirmation that can relate). I mean no sexism; please feel free to switch the “she’s” and “he’s” as you wish.

​This love language is my favorite slash primary LL (love language)--though sometimes I wish it wasn’t. I feel like I’m vain or needy because I rely so heavily on verbal confirmation to feel loved, valued, or appreciated. Not all of us are like Mark Twain who said, “I can live two months on a good compliment.” Tell me six compliments a year is no where near enough to function properly!

All sarcasm aside, if words of affirmation is your spouse’s love language and not yours, it may take some time (and frustrating experiences) to learn how to communicate properly.  Here are some tips for you sweet souls:

1. Remember, your tone can make all the difference in the world. Has she ever said, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”? Word-LL people could be paid the sweetest compliment in the galaxy, but if it’s fake or rushed or forced or distracted...she’ll know.
2. If you’re going to say affirming words...mean them. You can’t say what she wants to hear if you don’t mean it because--refer to number one. She’ll most likely know the meal is burnt too, so instead of acting like it’s not (which will, in turn, make her feel worse), tell her the truth! Sure, it’s a little charred, but she’s thoughtful for making her husband’s favorite meal, she’s daring for trying something new, or she’s an amazing multi-tasker to have baked the rolls, sauteed the asparagus, and burnt-cooked the chicken all while wrangling two children! Remind her that the burnt-ness isn’t indicative of her overall cooking skills or worth as a human and pay her a sincere compliment. It shouldn’t be too hard to think of one.
3. There’s a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words reflect what your spouse wants and nagging words reflect what you want. If you say something more than three times, chances are you’re nagging.
4. If it seems exhausting to always be praising an imperfect person, change your paradigm. She knows she’s no Greek goddess, is often wrong, and messes up frequently. However, if you focus on the things she does well, you’ll empower her to be her best self.
5. Conflict resolution and suggestions need to be handled gingerly. Do you remember that, in the story, Allison quit after getting her first article rejection from the editor? The same way her husband’s words carried significant weight to encourage her to keep working towards publishing, the condemning words from the editor were crushing and could’ve proved her defeat. Non word-LL people may feel like a suggestion is extended, implemented, and then it’s over and we move on. But be careful, because your suggestion/conflict resolution tactics could be devastating for someone who relies so heavily on words of affirmation to feel love, appreciation, and worth.

​I’d like to add one point for refutation: I do think that I (and all the other words of affirmation LL people out there) can cut non-words people some freaking slack. They’re not trying to tear us down or make us feel horrible--they just may not realize how literally, deeply, and personally we’re taking their words. We need to remember that our spouses are patient with us as we learn to speak the LL of time or physical touch or gifts--something soooo foreign to us. If my husband can be patient with me while I’m learning how to speak his love language, I can surely extend the same courtesy to him as he’s learning to speak mine!
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Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, nailed it when he said, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” With that in mind, let’s be intentional and use our words to build up, encourage, support, and affirm.

You may also like Living the Love Language: Physical Touch; Living the Love Language: Receiving Gifts; or Living the Love Language: Quality Time

Photo Credit: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels