6 Ways to be the Hero When Your Wife is Emotional

6/1/2016

Isn't this the truth? I really liked this article, because let's be honest...women are just emotional, and that's okay! #marriage #nurturingmarriage

Jeff pulls his Toyota Avalon into the garage after a stressful day of sales meetings. Working as a sales manager is not his ideal job but it pays well enough that his wife chose to stop working and care for the kids full time. Jeff grabs his cell phone and keys and walks to the front yard to check the mailbox. On his way inside he shuffles through the mail. Glancing up from looking at the mail in his hands he sees it and freezes.

His wife sits at the kitchen turned away from him slightly, but he can tell she’s been crying.

He tries not to panic. He wants to run but he can’t just leave her like that, she’s obviously hurt. With a burst of courage he approaches.

What do you do when your wife cries? Do you try to rescue her from her emotions? Tell her how to change her attitude? Fix what is bothering her? Panic and do nothing? Tell her a joke and change the subject? Try to cheer her up? Compare her circumstances to something worse? Do you ignore her to give her space?

Emotion is a window into the heart. Your response to your wife’s emotion is critical. Mishandle the moment and you could hurt her heart and damage your connection.

You can come through for your partner, save the princess in distress, and be the hero.

1. Engage.

Don’t miss the moment. Be like Jeff and boldly approach your wife when she’s crying. Every time your wife shows emotion is a wonderful opportunity to express your love for her. Don’t chicken out, guys. You may feel uncomfortable with her emotional outburst but be available anyway. You’ve got what it takes to be present with your wife even when she cries.

READ: 5 THINGS GREAT LISTENERS DO

2. Check yourself.

You must check your own emotions before you can be available to respond to hers. Check yourself first. How do you feel when your wife is emotional? Perhaps you’re afraid she’s hurt, she’s upset with you, or you’ll be exposed as an inadequate partner. Perhaps you feel manipulated and defensive, or annoyed and angry. Responding to your crying wife with anger is a major bone-head move and a common mistake.

Okay, I loved this. I really want my husband to be close to me when I'm emotional...I just do. I need him to care about how I'm feeling! #marriagehelp #relationshipgoals

3. Don’t look for a problem, try to identify her emotion.

As men, we want to know what happened to her to make her cry so we can fix it. Your deep desire to protect your wife is honorable, but when your problem-solving efforts are mistimed you only add to her hurt. She doesn’t need fixing. She’s not broken. She’s simply feeling an emotion.

Just because you don’t need to fix something doesn’t mean you have to veg out, you can still take action. Work on identifying her emotion. She may be feeling sad, disappointed, sentimental, fearful, or happy. Pay attention. Put the clues together. Then if you still have no idea, ask her. Be careful not to be a doofus. You can’t ask “What’s your problem?” or “What are you crying for?” Instead, ask “What are you feeling right now?” even better, ask without a question. Simply point out that you’re interested in her. “I see you’re crying, I’m interested to know what you’re feeling.”

WATCH: THE NAIL

4. Get close.

It may seem weird but your wife wants you close to her. Your physical closeness communicates emotional availability. Giving her space when she cries can feel cold, like you’re abandoning her. Sit next to her. Give her a hug. Touch her hand and look at her.

5. Respond with empathy.

Empathy is the ability to understand and share in her emotion. If your wife is sad or scared, tell her “It’s ok to feel sad,” and respond with comfort. Responding to her emotion this way makes it safe for her to risk vulnerable emotions with you. Emotional safety is foundational to incredible intimacy in marriage.

READ: 5 WAYS TO FOSTER EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

6. Stay with it.
Your wife’s emotional moments may last longer than you think they should. Even if seeing her cry for 37 seconds feels like a century to you, stay with her. Remember you have what it takes to be her hero. Holding her for twenty to thirty minutes can really help, too.

Men - What do you think would happen if you use these tips the next time your wife is crying?

Women - What have I left out? What do you like your spouse to do when you cry?

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

Brian J. Lindner is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor specializing in couples counseling at his private practice. His blog, “Make Some Wonderful” provides solid guidance for a wonderful marriage. He lives in Idaho with his wife, Hollie, and their two young boys. Follow him on Twitter @BrianJLindner.

You may also enjoy What You Don't Understand About Your Emotionally Unavailable Partner and Taking Your Spouse's Emotional Temperature

51 Comments

Bev

6/4/2016 09:49:38 am

Great job again, Brian! This needs to be in the hands of all engaged couples -- before they marry!! And, a great reminder for all of us, no matter how long we've been married.

Brian J. Lindner link

6/4/2016 02:51:29 pm

Thanks Bev,

I want every couple to experience deep connection. When husbands hone their skills of emotional availability they'll be the hero and enjoy a wonderful marriage.

Philip May

10/9/2021 11:42:10 am

All thanks to Dr Raypower for his wonderful work..My wife left me, not for another man, but because she caught me cheating on her. It was a single indiscretion on my part and I got caught red handed. I was not only embarrassed, but also angry with myself for doing this to our marriage. She had every right to leave me as she did, and file for divorce. I’m sure glad I recruited Dr Raypower help. The way he explained that we all make mistakes and deserve forgiveness when we are truly sorry made so much sense to me, and I really was sorry. I’m glad to say that Dr Raypower stop a divorce spell worked very well and we are back together again. You can also reach Dr Raypower for ex back love spell via email: urgentspellcast@gmail.com or You can also reach him Whatsapp: +1 424-330-8109 See more reviews website: https://urgentspellcast.wordpress.com

Glaiza

6/9/2016 11:37:21 pm

This is what my boyfriend does when I cry. I'm really so happy I have him. :) we're not engaged or married yet but we love reading articles here and with that, we are learning things in advanced, preparing us for our married life. :)

Aaron & April link

8/1/2016 02:10:52 pm

Glaiza,

That is wonderful! He seems sensitive and caring, and those are important qualities to have in a spouse. Continue to learn and grow, even when you are married! We have confidence in your ability to nurture your relationship and to find happiness and fulfillment for years to come.

Best to you!

Aaron & April

Melissa

6/12/2016 08:06:57 am

Wow! This is a beautifully stated, easy to understand article that has the capacity to dramatically change the dynamics of marriages. But can also be applied to any relationship that strives for emotional intimacy. We can never go wrong when we can be present with the ones we love as described in this article. But reality is that sometimes this type of presence is extremely difficult and requires some soul searching on our part.

8/1/2016 02:13:05 pm

Melissa,

Thanks for your kind words, Brian did a great job with this article! Yes, you are right, developing emotional intimacy is a journey that takes time and practice, and sometimes it isn't easy. However, we're confidant that these skills can be learned and developed in order to help couples nurture their marriages!

Thanks for your comment!

Aaron & April

Tiffany

7/19/2016 09:54:25 am

I wish my husband would read this. When I get emotional about something, or cry, he almost always responds in anger. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to express my feelings to him, which in turn, creates a bit of a wall between us. I find myself crying alone in the bathroom so that I can avoid him knowing I'm upset. I once told him that I need him to try and comfort me in those moments and he said he wasn't going to "baby me" if I was upset. So I'm not really sure the best approach with helping him to help me.

8/1/2016 02:22:04 pm

Tiffany,

That sounds like a tough situation to be in.

A few suggestions that may help include:

1. Try and connect with your husband and meet his needs emotionally and physically so he feels close to you. Keep up the little things, date nights, and the like, to make sure you are continually nurturing your marriage.

2. Talk with him about how much you need his comfort and support, and how you need him to care about how you are FEELING. Explain HOW he can comfort you best during those times, and give him three very specific things he can do. Ask him how you can best support him.

3. Be patient. Your husband may have never learned growing up how to handle his own emotions, or to help others work through their own. He may be responding in anger because he is afraid when he sees you crying and he doesn't know what to do. He may not be perfect at learning to comfort you at first, but be patient, with time he can get better.

4. Continually work on finding ways to become more emotionally self-reliant. Find things that help you handle your own emotions and that bring you comfort - perhaps going for a run, taking a bath, calling a friend, etc.

5. Make sure your husband sees your happy, confident, cheerful self a lot, too.

6. Share our website with your husband and tell him you enjoy it. He may enjoy skimming through some articles himself.

7. If there are underlying issues or other things going on in your marriage, these suggestions may not work or may not fix things. Feel free to email us, or to seek help from a professional counselor if needed.

We desire for you to have the connection with your husband that you long for. We're confident things can get better, and that as you work on meeting your spouse's needs he will hopefully turn towards you and find ways to lift you.

Aaron & April

Serge ~ from Aruba link

9/21/2016 07:58:45 am

Man, very interesting article. For sure being emphatic and a good listener help a lot. But sometimes we are piled under our own believe of hard work, work, work year around and we forget to break our (depressing) routines with small things like dining out, going to the movies, have a coffee at a local bookstore, etc. I know each situation is different but we have to try to change our routines. Funny, I was looking for inspiring wedding photos now I am writing comments on this great blog. ;) Keep on writing!

Ray Yee

2/25/2019 11:00:51 pm

I got axiouse and angry sometimes when my wife cries. She is suffering from depression. It almost scares me when she cries. I try to distance her when she cries. What's going on with me?

Carlton Hanson

4/5/2020 04:04:36 pm

I am submitting this on behalf of a good friend of mine. I am worried he is making a huge mistake and needs help. His name is Carlton. He got involved in an affair and left his wife, Charlotte for another woman. This news has been hard on the few people that know of the affair and him leaving. Carlton and Charlotte were so well suited for each other. Charlotte adored Carlton and I thought Carlton loved Charlotte as well. Several of us have spoken about this. Carlton has moved in with his girlfriend. We feel Carlton got wrapped up in the affair and did not truly want to leave Charlotte. Carlton’s best friend is the sister to the woman he left Charlotte for. Can these two wonderful people, Carlton and Charlotte be helped? This breaks my heart. Carlton will face such embarrassment for what he has done. His daughter and granddaughters will face embarrassment and humiliation.
Some of Carlton’s friends will not appreciate him after this all becomes common knowledge. Charlotte will not say anything at this point regarding Carlton, she will and does not speak I’ll of him. Can their marriage be saved? Please help them. I have included Carlton’s email for him to receive help. Thank you. I love this couple, I know they can get through this. And I know Carlton does not want to face the public humiliation of his actions. I know, we know he still loves Charlotte.

Rosina Wilson

6/13/2020 01:36:33 pm

I really wish my husband would do these things. Right now I'm dealing with my mom going through dementia. Its so hard on me cause we are so close. I can cry right in front of him and he walks by. I told him I need him right now to comfort me. I tried telling him how I'm feeling and he says "it's always feelings with you ". I don't know what to do right now but with this and my mom I'm an emotional wreck.

Dylan Burns

7/2/2020 08:46:42 am

What about when you do this for her and she's never emotionally there for you? Its getting harder and harder for me to be there for her when she's repeatedly demonstrated it wont be reciprocated. Im left feeling overburdened and alone. It just makes hard days harder, stressful situations more stressful plus i know im on my own for coping all the while trying to be supportive of her emotions.

I may honestly just go back to numbing out emotionally, i think id rather feel nothing then this

jay

12/23/2020 12:59:34 pm

I feel this 100%

Samuel Stephen

2/16/2021 06:27:49 am

Is often how men should learn to be a support system for their wives but you'll find very few websites on how women are to be there for men.
Sometimes it feels like being a husband is endless school of educating you to be emotionally stand for her. Crazy.

Alice J

10/3/2020 08:20:58 pm

I’m a woman married to a woman and this was extremely helpful for me, since I typically act like the men you are addressing in your article. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to fix things and tell her what to do when she’s told me over and over again she just wants me to listen and comfort her. I like this framing of becoming the hero she needs you to be, not the hero you want to be, and I appreciate how you took care to be compassionate to the people you’re addressing. Thank you.

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Benson Joe

8/20/2021 08:12:24 pm

I want to let the world know about Dr, Sam the Great spell caster that brought back my husband to me when I thought all hope was lost. Dr, Sam used his powerful spell to put a smile on my face by bringing back my man with his spell, at first I thought I was dreaming when my wife came back to me on her knees begging me to forgive her and accept her back and ever since then she loves me more than I ever expected so I made a vow to my self that I will let the World know about Dr, Sam, because he is a God on earth. Do you have problems in your relationship ? have your partner broke up with you and you still love and want him back ? Do you have problem with your finance ? or do you need help of any kind then contact Dr, Sam today for I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you just as he helped me. Dr, Sam email is: okokakspellhome@gmail.com or contact him on WhatsApp +2349060421250

Dena

8/21/2021 12:22:29 pm

Hello everyone i know there is someone somewhere reading this,My name is Dena Cruz from Leicester city,England,I want to share a great work of a spell caster called Priest Ade my husband and i had a fight which led to our divorce but when he left me a part of me left with him and i was to sad and cried all day and night i was searching something online when i saw people testifying about his great work and i just decided to give him a try i did everything he told me to do and he assured me that after 24 hours my husband will come back to me,the next morning to my greatest surprised a car stopped outside my house and it was my husband i'm so happy he can also help you email him at

ancientspiritspellcast@yahoo.com or ancientspiritspellcast@gmail.com

ancientspiritspell.wordpress.com

WhatsApp +2347059715465

Vanessa

8/23/2021 03:29:15 pm

I want to let the world know about Dr, Sam the Great spell caster that brought back my husband to me when I thought all hope was lost. Dr, Sam used his powerful spell to put a smile on my face by bringing back my man with his spell, at first I thought I was dreaming when my wife came back to me on her knees begging me to forgive he and accept he back and ever since then he loves me more than I ever expected so I made a vow to my self that I will let the World know about Dr, Sam, because he is a God on earth. Do you have problems in your relationship ? have your partner broke up with you and you still love and want him back ? Do you have problem with your finance ? or do you need help of any kind then contact Dr, Sam today for I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you just as he helped me. Dr, Sam email is: okokakspellhome@gmail.com or contact him on WhatsApp +2349060421250

brooklyn

8/26/2021 04:03:40 am

I have been divorced for a few years. I went back to work fulltime after being a homemaker for many years. I could only find temporary jobs. My husband had been the breadwinner for our family but lost his lucrative job. Before we had marriage trouble, I had been the money manager for our family and included tithing and giving money toward our pastor's vision in our spending plan. I believed that the blessing of God was on my husband. When my husband started managing the family's finances, they changed from our finances to his finances. my husband left me . I have be suffering until I meet a post where this great spell caster DR PRINCE IDIALU who have helped so many people to restore their marriages and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my Husband home and believe me I just send my picture and full name with my date of birth to him and that of my husband and after 2 days as he has promised me though my husband came back before the 2days complete, my husband drove home by his self apologizing I should forgive him, now my husband has show me love more than ever I am happy knowing DR PRINCE IDIALU I went from giving coins to now giving much larger amounts. DR PRINCE you are really what you said you are thank you once again for help or more info you can reach him." princeidialu@outlook.com or call or WhatsApp +1(504)603-3666) (Oklahoma)your result is 100% sure

amani

8/27/2021 12:55:47 am

Hello,Dr. Jadu i want to thank you for the love spell you did for me my boyfriend friend is back to me after using you returning love spell thank you so much,i we never forget this great happiness you brought to my life. if you are in need of this powerful spell caste r you can reach him on his WHATSAPP; +2349124134936 reunitingexspell@gmail.com i must tell this to every body because i am so happy...

Vanessa Grayson

9/3/2021 02:20:08 pm

Marklarry

9/3/2021 09:11:46 pm

how i got my Ex lover back after a divorced by the help of DR NCUBE a marriage/relationship specialist. contact him if you need help WHATSAPP DR NCUBE ON +2348155227532
his email is..... drncube03@gmail.com

he also have #herbs for
Pregnancy
Infertility herbal medicine mixture.
#hiv/aids
#cancerdisease
#fibroid
#diabetes

D.B

9/4/2021 10:38:29 am

Hello beloved friend am here to testify of a might spell caster online called Dr Sam. This might man of the ancient conjurer of Africa brought back my ex lover in just 16 hours. Dr Sam is indeed a genuine and honest spell caster. You too can contact him on:okokakspellhome@gmail.com or WhatsApp him on +23460421250 Contact him now he can help you in any situation you are going through with his strong black magical voodoo spell and you will have the calls to thank him for the marvelous job that he will do for you contact him now no matter the situation you are going through.

Joan roy

9/29/2021 06:30:10 am

Hi everyone Am here to testify of a great and powerful spell caster called Dr Tunde I was so confused and devastated when my husband left me without a word, I needed him back desperately because i loved him so much. So a friend of mine introduced me to this powerful spell caster who had helped her in getting her lover back, so i contacted him and he promise that in less than 72 hours he will come back to me. After i did all he asked to my greatest surprise my husband who had refuses to speak with me came back home and asked for forgiveness for all he had made me go through and now we are living happily together, if you have any relationship problem i will advice you contact him Below are his contact details via email babatundesolutioncentre1@gmail.com or his WhatsApp mobile number +2348143581382

Monica Brown

9/29/2021 12:37:52 pm

My Name is Monica Brown I would like to tell the world about a very special man, he is spell caster DR Oyinbo. I found out about DR Oyinbo through the testimonials of others that the Dr helped with on various issues. I had contacted DR Oyinbo for help in bringing back to me my girlfriend/lover, we had split over a terrible fight, I tried to reconcile but to no avail. The DR said this was a easy thing for him to do, he said he would cast a love spell on her and this would bring her back to me. I was a little disbelieving because I never heardof such a thing, but he told me to trust him, so i put faith in what he was telling me. Sure enough, 3 days after the love spell was cast, my girlfriend/lover called me and we are now back together, all because of DR Oyinbo. He also cured my hiv disease, this was done by drinking a liquid that he creates and provides for the disease. I strongly recommend that if you are having any relationship or sickness issues, contact DR Oyinbo, His email is prophetoyinbojesus@gma.com or Call/WhatsApp:+2348074066640

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