Written by Brian Lindner
Jeff pulls his Toyota Avalon into the garage after a stressful day of sales meetings. Working as a sales manager is not his ideal job but it pays well enough that his wife chose to stop working and care for the kids full time. Jeff grabs his cell phone and keys and walks to the front yard to check the mailbox. On his way inside he shuffles through the mail. Glancing up from looking at the mail in his hands he sees it and freezes.
His wife sits at the kitchen turned away from him slightly, but he can tell she’s been crying. He tries not to panic. He wants to run but he can’t just leave her like that, she’s obviously hurt. With a burst of courage he approaches. What do you do when your wife cries? Do you try to rescue her from her emotions? Tell her how to change her attitude? Fix what is bothering her? Panic and do nothing? Tell her a joke and change the subject? Try to cheer her up? Compare her circumstances to something worse? Do you ignore her to give her space? Emotion is a window into the heart. Your response to your wife’s emotion is critical. Mishandle the moment and you could hurt her heart and damage your connection. You can come through for your partner, save the princess in distress, and be the hero. 1. Engage. Don’t miss the moment. Be like Jeff and boldly approach your wife when she’s crying. Every time your wife shows emotion is a wonderful opportunity to express your love for her. Don’t chicken out, guys. You may feel uncomfortable with her emotional outburst but be available anyway. You’ve got what it takes to be present with your wife even when she cries. READ: 5 THINGS GREAT LISTENERS DO 2. Check yourself. You must check your own emotions before you can be available to respond to hers. Check yourself first. How do you feel when your wife is emotional? Perhaps you’re afraid she’s hurt, she’s upset with you, or you’ll be exposed as an inadequate partner. Perhaps you feel manipulated and defensive, or annoyed and angry. Responding to your crying wife with anger is a major bone-head move and a common mistake. 
3. Don’t look for a problem, try to identify her emotion.
As men, we want to know what happened to her to make her cry so we can fix it. Your deep desire to protect your wife is honorable, but when your problem-solving efforts are mistimed you only add to her hurt. She doesn’t need fixing. She’s not broken. She’s simply feeling an emotion. Just because you don’t need to fix something doesn’t mean you have to veg out, you can still take action. Work on identifying her emotion. She may be feeling sad, disappointed, sentimental, fearful, or happy. Pay attention. Put the clues together. Then if you still have no idea, ask her. Be careful not to be a doofus. You can’t ask “What’s your problem?” or “What are you crying for?” Instead, ask “What are you feeling right now?” even better, ask without a question. Simply point out that you’re interested in her. “I see you’re crying, I’m interested to know what you’re feeling.” WATCH: THE NAIL 4. Get close. It may seem weird but your wife wants you close to her. Your physical closeness communicates emotional availability. Giving her space when she cries can feel cold, like you’re abandoning her. Sit next to her. Give her a hug. Touch her hand and look at her. 5. Respond with empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share in her emotion. If your wife is sad or scared, tell her “It’s ok to feel sad,” and respond with comfort. Responding to her emotion this way makes it safe for her to risk vulnerable emotions with you. Emotional safety is foundational to incredible intimacy in marriage. READ: 5 WAYS TO FOSTER EMOTIONAL INTIMACY 6. Stay with it. Your wife’s emotional moments may last longer than you think they should. Even if seeing her cry for 37 seconds feels like a century to you, stay with her. Remember you have what it takes to be her hero. Holding her for twenty to thirty minutes can really help, too. Men - What do you think would happen if you use these tips the next time your wife is crying? Women - What have I left out? What do you like your spouse to do when you cry?
Photo Credit: Crooze Photography
Brian J. Lindner is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor specializing in couples counseling at his private practice. His blog, “Make Some Wonderful” provides solid guidance for a wonderful marriage. He lives in Idaho with his wife, Hollie, and their two young boys. Follow him on Twitter @BrianJLindner.
16 Comments
Bev
6/4/2016 09:49:38 am
Great job again, Brian! This needs to be in the hands of all engaged couples -- before they marry!! And, a great reminder for all of us, no matter how long we've been married. 6/4/2016 02:51:29 pm
Thanks Bev,
Glaiza
6/9/2016 11:37:21 pm
This is what my boyfriend does when I cry. I'm really so happy I have him. :) we're not engaged or married yet but we love reading articles here and with that, we are learning things in advanced, preparing us for our married life. :) 8/1/2016 02:10:52 pm
Glaiza,
Melissa
6/12/2016 08:06:57 am
Wow! This is a beautifully stated, easy to understand article that has the capacity to dramatically change the dynamics of marriages. But can also be applied to any relationship that strives for emotional intimacy. We can never go wrong when we can be present with the ones we love as described in this article. But reality is that sometimes this type of presence is extremely difficult and requires some soul searching on our part. 8/1/2016 02:13:05 pm
Melissa,
Tiffany
7/19/2016 09:54:25 am
I wish my husband would read this. When I get emotional about something, or cry, he almost always responds in anger. It makes me feel like I'm not allowed to express my feelings to him, which in turn, creates a bit of a wall between us. I find myself crying alone in the bathroom so that I can avoid him knowing I'm upset. I once told him that I need him to try and comfort me in those moments and he said he wasn't going to "baby me" if I was upset. So I'm not really sure the best approach with helping him to help me. 8/1/2016 02:22:04 pm
Tiffany, 9/21/2016 07:58:45 am
Man, very interesting article. For sure being emphatic and a good listener help a lot. But sometimes we are piled under our own believe of hard work, work, work year around and we forget to break our (depressing) routines with small things like dining out, going to the movies, have a coffee at a local bookstore, etc. I know each situation is different but we have to try to change our routines. Funny, I was looking for inspiring wedding photos now I am writing comments on this great blog. ;) Keep on writing!
Ray Yee
2/25/2019 11:00:51 pm
I got axiouse and angry sometimes when my wife cries. She is suffering from depression. It almost scares me when she cries. I try to distance her when she cries. What's going on with me?
Carlton Hanson
4/5/2020 04:04:36 pm
I am submitting this on behalf of a good friend of mine. I am worried he is making a huge mistake and needs help. His name is Carlton. He got involved in an affair and left his wife, Charlotte for another woman. This news has been hard on the few people that know of the affair and him leaving. Carlton and Charlotte were so well suited for each other. Charlotte adored Carlton and I thought Carlton loved Charlotte as well. Several of us have spoken about this. Carlton has moved in with his girlfriend. We feel Carlton got wrapped up in the affair and did not truly want to leave Charlotte. Carlton’s best friend is the sister to the woman he left Charlotte for. Can these two wonderful people, Carlton and Charlotte be helped? This breaks my heart. Carlton will face such embarrassment for what he has done. His daughter and granddaughters will face embarrassment and humiliation.
Rosina Wilson
6/13/2020 01:36:33 pm
I really wish my husband would do these things. Right now I'm dealing with my mom going through dementia. Its so hard on me cause we are so close. I can cry right in front of him and he walks by. I told him I need him right now to comfort me. I tried telling him how I'm feeling and he says "it's always feelings with you ". I don't know what to do right now but with this and my mom I'm an emotional wreck.
Dylan Burns
7/2/2020 08:46:42 am
What about when you do this for her and she's never emotionally there for you? Its getting harder and harder for me to be there for her when she's repeatedly demonstrated it wont be reciprocated. Im left feeling overburdened and alone. It just makes hard days harder, stressful situations more stressful plus i know im on my own for coping all the while trying to be supportive of her emotions.
jay
12/23/2020 12:59:34 pm
I feel this 100%
Alice J
10/3/2020 08:20:58 pm
I’m a woman married to a woman and this was extremely helpful for me, since I typically act like the men you are addressing in your article. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to fix things and tell her what to do when she’s told me over and over again she just wants me to listen and comfort her. I like this framing of becoming the hero she needs you to be, not the hero you want to be, and I appreciate how you took care to be compassionate to the people you’re addressing. Thank you.
amanda
1/4/2021 01:43:42 am
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The Little Things “Marriage is a mosaic you build with your spouse. Millions of tiny moments that create your love story.”
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