5 Ways to be a More Confident Spouse

Written by Tawny May

If you’ve been married for longer than two weeks, your spouse knows you’re a mortal. You might occasionally swear, wake up with dragon breath, or legitimately not have a clue what you’re doing with your life.

Sometimes you might feel like your spouse loved you more when you were dating and he was convinced you were a goddess, or maybe you’ve broken your wife’s trust again and you’re not sure how to recover.

Being a confident spouse isn’t something you have and then you don’t; it’s not something that’s gone forever once it slips away.

Confidence comes and goes, and that is perfectly normal!

Marriage is like a petri dish for vulnerability, meaning that those horribly revealing, humanizing moments seems to build upon one another exponentially and leave us feeling fully exposed. But don’t worry, this will not be a perma-state; you can and will bounce back.

If you are wondering how you can combat vulnerability and mistakes to be a more confident spouse, read on.

There are several definitions for confidence, the most applicable is the following: A feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.

If we deconstruct this, we could deduce that a lack of confidence would come from one’s lost appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities. It is possible for us to lose appreciation of our abilities and qualities as we’re placed in vulnerable situations time and time again--as marriage so graciously affords us.

We fall short of expectations, we overreact, we lose our temper, we lie, we cheat, we aren’t as kind with our spouse as we are with others...the list goes on and on. All of these opportunities to “lose appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities” takes a toll on one’s confidence, which adversely affects one’s marriage.

So, how we can be more confident spouses?

1. Return to who you were when you were dating. This is not to say you should go back to acting like the suuuuper mature 19 year-old that you were, nor am I implying that you should run from the present. I’m simply suggesting that you focus on strengths you had or activities you did when you were dating. It’s amazing how rekindling those dating days can reawaken feelings and memories that have fallen dormant amidst the bills and diapers of life! You were confident then and you can be confident now!
2. Take note of your GOOD. You may not get everything done in a day’s time that you’d like to or that you set out to. But you are accomplishing something! Whether it’s slaying deals at work, nailing a long-prepared for presentation, or making it to the end of the day alive with a toddler, hats off to you. Write down what you did, tell your spouse or a friend, and know that you’re enough. Remember--sometimes we set mountainous, unattainable goals, and we can’t beat ourselves up if we don’t reach/surpass them! Have confidence in what you ARE doing… because you’re doing good things.
   
3. Feel good in your skin. For me, this means exercise, a healthy diet, and clothes I feel “cute” in. Whatever makes you feel pretty, handsome, nice, happy, comfy… do you. There’s an amazing connection between how we feel about ourselves and how we treat others. You’ll treat your spouse better if you’re feeling confident about yourself.
4. Take time to connect. During those dating or newlywed days, you spent soooo much time together--it was all you wanted to do! Talking and quality time spent (without distractions) with your lover will allow you to reconnect, have fun, and see the good in each other. Yes, life is demanding and this is hard to do, but there’s a reason why everyone says to spend time together: It saves marriages.
5. If all else fails, ask your spouse, a friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, leader, or pet what your strengths are. It’s easy to overlook your strengths when your weaknesses are so blaring (newsflash: this pertains to all humans, not just you). So if you are struggling to see any good that you’re contributing to the world, ask for help. Guaranteed someone will come to your rescue and will give you some helpful insights.

There’s no secret recipe for being more confident; these five measly suggestions are just that - suggestions. Each person is intrinsically unique; you may find more of your mojo/confidence by being in nature or in a church; by talking with old friends, or by ignoring everyone for a little while and doing nothing!

However you do you, do you.

Find you.

Remember, confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from your appreciation of your own abilities or qualities. YOU HAVE AMAZING ABILITIES AND QUALITIES. Take confidence in that and you’ll take confidence in yourself. And I’ll tell you, there’s nothing more attractive to your spouse than a confident, happy and content you.

And then watch out because your deepened self-confidence will inevitably strengthen your marriage!

​Photo Credit: Striegler Photo

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