15 Questions That Will Help You Navigate the 5-10 in Marriage

Written by Bethany Bartholomew

As married couples, we all go through the 5–10. And I’m not talking about the hours after work and before bedtime. (Although those can be really tough sometimes when all you want to do is order pizza, eat it, take a nap, wake up, eat ice cream, and then go back to bed. We’ve all been there. It’s okay.) I’m talking about the part of your marriage that you work on over an entire lifetime together. And that’s what makes marriage so great.
 
So what is the 5–10?
 
My husband and I recently went rock climbing with one of his friends. The friend asked us, “How is married life? Was it hard to get used to?”

READ: DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE?
 
I thought for a minute. Yeah. Parts of marriage took a while to get used to, but other parts of marriage just became everyday reality really fast.
 
So I told him, “Getting used to married life on a scale of one to ten, you go from one to five really fast. But the rest of it is what takes the rest of your lives together.”
 
And that’s the 5–10. It’s not brushing your teeth together. It’s not eating breakfast together. It’s not sleeping next to each other every night (though that does take at least some time to get the hang of putting all the arms and legs in the right places so that you won’t accidentally whack each other in the middle of the night).
 
The 5–10 is learning to tell your spouse why you’re emotional (even if you still don’t know exactly why yourself). It’s finding out what details are important to tell each other about your day and remembering to let your spouse know important things (like that you invited your sister over and, oh yeah, she’ll be here in five minutes). It’s changing your eating habits because both of you don’t always like the exact same foods. It’s learning a new sport or musical instrument or board game because that’s what their family loves to do.
 
Basically, it’s figuring out how to communicate, whether that’s communicating information or communicating love. And it’s figuring out how to put your spouse first, even when it’s hard.

​READ: IS PMS DESTROYING YOUR MARRIAGE?
 
You may have already learned a lot of this with your spouse, or you may still have a lot to learn. That’s okay! It’s a learning process, and it’s supposed to take your whole life together to get it right. Don’t get frustrated or worried if suddenly a 5–10 moment comes up and you feel like it’s something you should have known about your spouse already or you feel like it’s a roadblock you don’t know how to get past. Talk about it! And work through it together. The fun part of the 5–10 is learning about each other and getting into your own rhythm of life together. 

You might want to start with a Q&A session. And it’s a Q&A session you can have multiple times over the years.
 
Ask your spouse what he or she took the most time getting used to in your marriage. And ask if there’s anything you could do to help your spouse understand you better. Then figure out what else you can talk about together to make the 5–10 a little less stressful and a lot more fun.

​READ: 3 SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE
 
Here are 15 questions you might ask each other to get to know each other better and to help you not just get through but enjoy and get the most out of your 5–10 experience:

1. What was the thing that most surprised you about me when we first got married?
2. How am I doing with showing you that I love you? What can I do to show it better?
3. If we were planning our day together, what details would you want to know first?
4. When I’m mad, how do you want me to let you know?
5. When you’re mad, what would you like me to do? Do you want to talk? Have some alone time? Go for a run?
6. What do you like about how we’re eating? Is there a meal you want to try from your childhood that we haven’t made together yet?
7. What is your least favorite chore to do around the house? Are there any chores you seem to do a lot that you’d like to switch with me?
8. What time of day is the hardest for you? Are you a morning person? Are you a night owl? Do you get really tired in the late afternoon? How can I help you with that rough time of day?
9. Do you like it when I sing along to the radio in the car? Do you just prefer to talk to each other? If it depends on the situation, are there ever times when I could be better about either rocking out with you or turning the radio off for a good conversation moment?  
10. What do you like best about our house/apartment/condo? What is one thing you would like to change about our space?
11. When you first get home from work/school do you prefer to talk about your day, jump into some kind of to-do list, or have a few minutes of alone time to decompress?
12. (If you have children) How are we doing on parenting together? What can we do better? Is there something you would like me to do differently for one of our children?
13. How is work/school/home life going? How can I help you with your responsibilities?
14. How often do you like to take a break? Do we need to plan more vacations or mini staycations together?
15. What do you like about date nights? Are we going on enough dates together? Where do you want to go next?

 
These are just a few questions you can ask each other. But the important thing is just to talk. The most fun part of marriage is learning about your spouse. And no matter how long you have been married, there always seems to be something new and fun to find out about your spouse’s quirks, interests, and talents. So get to know each other! And find ways to make your 5–10 experience an exciting adventure together.  

Bottom Picture Photo Credit -  Jason Corey Photography

---

You may also enjoy 4 Tips to Creating the Marriage You Want and The Night Our First Marriage Ended