What your husband really wants is for you to WANT to have sex with him. For you to ENJOY having sex with him. And for you to INITIATE it. His deeper sexual needs (and emotional needs), and yours, will be met when you, as the woman, initiate sex, rather than leaving it up to him all the time to see that it happens.
You read that right. Ladies, I'm talking to you.
Let's be honest here. Think back to the last time you initiated sex in your marriage. I know all the excuses that are coming to your mind right now - too tired, don't need it, takes too much energy, no fun for you, etc, etc, etc. No one likes excuses - we all like positive results. If you are too tired, you shouldn't use that as an excuse night after night. You should decide that sex needs to be important to you too, and not just to your husband. You should decide to take a nap, or grab your hubby by the hand earlier and start loving on him instead of waiting until you fall into bed, half dead from exhaustion.
Yes, women need to take the lead in initiating sex more. It's common knowledge that men are usually the ones making advances on their wives, and are usually more interested in sexual intimacy (at least more regularly). Let's change that. There are plenty of good reasons why.
1. Your husband needs to know you are crazy about him.
It is super important for your husband to feel and know that he fulfills your every need - emotionally and physically. He also needs to know that the physical part of your relationship isn't one sided. Your husband doesn't want to feel like he is always the one asking for sex, begging for sex, or constantly sending the message that he wants sex. What your husband really wants is YOU. He needs to know that you need him, in a sexual way, just like he needs you. When you show him that you want to have sex with him (and often), it will let him know, in a very obvious way, that he rials you up. He excites you. He ignites passion within you. And that feeling will make him feel more manly and more loved than he has felt in a long time.
2. Sex will become more important to you.
One of the best ways for husbands and wives to express love is by having sex together. Right now, sex may be something that is enjoyable for you, but not something you think a lot about or need that often. However, when you understand that sex is an opportunity for you to express love to your husband, in a very practical way, it will become more important to you and will always rate high on your list of priorities. Plus, the more you choose to initiate sex, the more enjoyable, fun, and fulfilling it will be for you too - not just for your husband.
3. Sex will be more fulfilling for both you and your husband.
Come on, being intimate is enjoyable, fun, and meaningful. That is how it is supposed to be.
When you make an effort to initiate and be completely engaged, sex becomes a much more positive and fulfilling experience for both of you. You don't have to fake it or force it - just enjoy it. When you feel like you are really fulfilling your husband in deep ways, you will recognize how much having sex with him fulfills you.
As you and your husband both realize that you are initiating sex more, it will send a message that you both care deeply about each other, want to help each other, and want to enjoy each other. When you are excited about making love, your husband will be doubly excited about it in return.
1. Beat him to it.
If your husband is always making the advances on you (you know what I'm talking about - you climb in bed, lights out, and he kisses you, or cuddles up to you, and you know what he wants), beat him to it! Just like this awesome lionness in the picture on the right, take the lead and make advances on your husband. Be the first one to start kissing him, running your fingers through his hair, and letting him know that you don't want to go to sleep just yet. Make an effort to beat him to it on a regular basis.
2. Let him know that you are planning on it.
When you say good-bye to your husband in the morning, give him a big fat kiss and let him know you are excited for when he comes home. Send him a text or email and remind him that you want to have some intimate time together that night. Tell him (words are important) that you enjoy being with him and love that time you have together. Talk about it. Let the expectation be known that you want to have sex more, or at least that you care about it more than you cared about it yesterday. And the reason you care about it so much now is because you care about your husband, you love him deeply, and you want him to know that.
3. Show up.
Get ready. If you aren't in the mood, get in the mood. Pretty yourself up a bit. Turn on some music. Give your husband a massage. Smell nice. And be involved the whole time. Make this an experience about serving your husband and meeting his needs, and your needs will be met in return. You don't have to be over-the-top involved or pretend to be super excited/passionate - just be you, but care a little more. Give a little more. Try a little harder to stay focused and involved (don't think about your list of things that need to be done).
I'm certainly not promoting the idea that you are an object for your husband's pleasure. Rather, I'm emphasizing the importance of you stepping it up so that you never feel that way. So that you feel like you and your spouse contribute equally to the sexual relationship you share, and that you both feel fulfilled and connected.
So remember, what your husband really wants is for you to WANT to have sex with him - for sex to be an experience that you share together, not just a one-sided quick act of love. Not that that kind of loving isn't needed at times, too.
In all of this, please don't get overwhelmed. Your husband isn't expecting (or wanting) you to initiate sex every single night. Just try to do it on a regular basis - however the two of you choose to define that. You can do it.
Finally, it's important to remember the purpose for physical intimacy. It's a chance for you and your spouse to truly give yourselves to each other, and to trust each other completely; a time for you to show your spouse how much you love them and how much they mean to you; a time to truly be selfless.
When you decide to initiate sex more, you will find that intimacy becomes much more beautiful, unifying, and fulfilling. Give it try. Your husband is sure to go crazy about it. And who knows, just in trying you may find that your thoughts, feelings, and desires for sex change in very positive ways. All to the nurturing of your marriage.
10/24/2014 12:23:59 pm
Very well said! I hope Mom reads this!
12/5/2014 10:51:25 pm
I think this is great, however, how do you do this if you are dealing with childhood sex abuse?
12/9/2014 11:56:41 am
There's certainly no easy answer to that question - and the answer likely varies from individual to individual and couple to couple. Unfortunately, it's a reality that some people are faced with. Thankfully, with love, communication, trust, kindness, etc., perhaps even counseling, it's a struggle that a couple can face and overcome together. I think one of the keys is talking through these types of challenges and realizing that you don't have to face them alone. A spouse can be an incredible source of strength and support when facing challenges life throws as.
12/9/2014 11:57:28 am
What do others think?
6/29/2015 05:08:12 am
Stop telling yourself you cant because you were abused.you are only letting the abuser make you to act as pathetic as your abusers act of abuse was.
3/8/2016 12:26:11 pm
If you continue to be angry at a person you are allowing them to live in your mind rent free, possibly for the rest of your life. If it was childhood abuse, you were only a child and had little to no control over what someone else did to you. You are not wrong, tainted, dirty or "damaged goods" because of what someone did you when you were a child that was beyond both your understanding and ability to control or resist.
12/10/2014 05:57:27 am
My husband is not physically attractive to me anymore. He has let himself go and is abusive while we have sex. He does things like pulling my hair even though I told him I really dislike it.
12/20/2014 06:55:48 am
Initiating an intimate relationship in the face of physical/sexual abuse is inadvisable on every front. I don't think that's what this article was addressing.
1/15/2015 12:43:40 pm
AMEN! Very well said!
1/14/2015 09:42:05 pm
Abuse is unnacaptable. Maybe you to should get counseling. My biggest concrrn though is your first complaint wasnt his roughness, but rather you dont find him sexy, it almost seems his behavior is a side note.
1/28/2015 10:28:36 pm
Wooahhh! You didn't seriously just tell this woman to stay in her abusive relationship did you? Mandy, listen to me. You need to LEAVE. There is NO excuse for abuse, ever! Go to the police or a woman's center, they can help you seek shelter. This is NOT okay and it is NOT your fault. Please do this, or stay with a trusted family friend. Please get out, abusers do NOT stop abusing. This man WILL eventually KILL YOU!
1/29/2015 11:00:31 am
No. I didn't. I told her to NOT engage in an intimate relationship with someone who is abusing her AND if they as a couple with to reconnect, there are resources. However, if any woman feels she is in immediate physical danger she needs to do just as you suggested and get the hell out of there. It wasn't clear to me how present Mandy's danger felt to her so I didn't feel I was in a position to assume.
12/11/2014 11:01:44 pm
What if the wife committed infidelity? And she doesn't want to do it with the husband. She seems like doing it with the other man. The couples are still together trying to correct the mistakes. Also, the husband is hesitant to do it with the wife as he thought when they're doing it, the wife is thinking of the other man. How can she/he benefits from the situation? Thanks.
12/29/2014 11:45:10 am
12/19/2014 05:48:47 pm
How do you get your husband to initiate more? It seems as if I am always asking instead of him. I would like to be asked also...
12/20/2014 11:14:28 am
Hi Chelsey, thanks for your comment. While the article is directed towards women, I think these points can apply equally to men. It's certainly important that each spouse feels wanted, needed, and loved - so both spouses need to initiate. Hopefully, there aren't other issues behind your husband's lack of action - it's important that you're open with him and talk about these things together.
12/20/2014 11:21:04 am
I agree completely with Cecilia. When abuse is part of the equation, there are additional concerns that need to be addressed first. Abuse in any form is very harmful in any relationship - and that's certainly true of marriage. It simply shouldn't be tolerated. We would certainly not encourage you to put yourself in a situation where you don't feel safe and comfortable.
2/3/2015 01:09:45 pm
I am guessing ALL husbands keep wondering the same two things:
2/3/2015 09:48:29 pm
Great read. Suits well actually. What if deep down i want it but trully cant find the desire for it. He lets me know daily what a burden it is and he complains everyday that i pull away. Which i understand caz i do but i have nno sexual desire left. I recently switched bc i was sure that was part of my problem, it's been 3 weeks and nothing has changed. I dont want to lose him i really want it back struggling to find it
2/4/2015 01:23:49 pm
Physical intimacy is usually the first warning sign of a larger issue. It'd be a really good idea to explore what may be inhibiting your sense of safety or closeness with a qualified therapist.
need advice too
2/4/2015 02:58:53 am
I have to ask the same as wally wood on his first question...as a woman, why do I have no desire, and how do I get it back? I certainly can't force myself to want to be intimate, however I DO really want to be. What steps do you take to gain desire? I absolutely feel my husband is as attractive as ever. He's my best friend, my everything. So, I don't understand there the problem lies.
Aaron & April
2/4/2015 11:35:08 am
That's a great question! We certainly won't pretend to have all the answers, but hopefully this can be a forum where people can share openly. We'll be sharing an article later this week on making intimacy special again in your marriage.
2/13/2015 03:06:10 am
That would be a dream come true wish my wife will do that
12/28/2015 09:30:55 am
Unfortunately, a dream is all this kind of behaviour will ever be.
2/23/2015 09:20:36 pm
How do I express myself? I sent my man an e-mail propositioning him asking him for sex. A silent response is what I got. So, I called him a few weeks later. We discussed my thesis instead/something intellectual as I tried to connect to him this way. I hung up telling him I'll talk to him later. Asked him in another e-mail wanting to see him at work. He answered with he can't. E-mailed him my thesis. And, he e-mailed me a request for computer help. The flames of sex got away from me by now. Lost and feeling confused I not know what to do. Any suggest
I can relate and really feel for you and hope that your situation has improved. I experienced the same thing as a guy and finally left it that I will wait for her to initiate since she told me I never give her enough time. It has now been more than 5 years. I have lost all interest in her by now realizing that she was just lying to me.
My husband wants me to initiate sex with him but in different ways he says I keep doing the same thing over n over, its very rare that we get the house to ourselves and when I don't initiate it or when I do he says its boring and it doesn't turn him on, he feels like I'm holding back and I need to let myself go more and be more sexual, he says I've been that way before, help I don't know what to do
5/15/2015 11:29:17 am
I am rejected as I always initiate. I wear seductive clothes at bed time. I am very romantic and seductive. I compliment him and tell him what I want to do to him yet he rejects me. I am attractive and not obese. Men always compliment him on how beautiful his wife is......I don't understand. Please advise as I am feeling rejected.
12/28/2015 09:29:16 am
It's a nice idea, though in practice wont happen as just about all women know that intimacy (& sex) is their #1 weapon and currency in a relationship. Holding all the power that comes with being able to constantly reject a man and the belief that that it is the norm isn't going to be given up. Irrespective of how much sense it makes.
4/29/2018 01:05:50 am
It is their currency and their #1 weapon -- but it's their only weapon. And they are easily disarmed. Take back your power by refusing to initiate. And tell them no when they initiate. Women are never, ever held accountable for their actions and it's time they were.
4/29/2018 01:03:21 am
I really don't care if women initiate or not. I'm through with them. It's amazing how much power you have when you stop initiating and refuse all their advances. Years of manipulation have finally caught up with women, and now they're crying in their (empty) beds. I can't be bothered; I'm not coming back to the plantation.
6/3/2018 06:23:26 pm
But...I'm not crazy about him. Our sexual relationship *is* one-sided. However, I *do* initiate, and will have sex whenever he asks, per 1 Corinthians 7.
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