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What to Do When Your Wife Cries 101

1/19/2017

12 Comments

 
This - if you cry too much.
Written by Bethany Bartholomew
The only piece of advice my dad gave to my husband when he asked permission to marry me was this:

“If she cries, give her food or make her go to sleep.”

Nothing about how to communicate with each other. Nothing about what chocolates I like best as surprises. No advice on things I might have a strong opinion about.

Nope.

Just what to do if I cry.

I really should thank my dad more often for that one.

So, to every husband, here’s some advice on what to do if your wife cries.

Whether you’ve been married one week or half a century, you will inevitably come across moments when your wife is crying and you’re not quite sure what to do about it.

Don’t stress.

Sometimes wives just cry.

And that’s okay.

Here are some pointers to help you navigate those sometimes scary situations.

*Disclaimer: Not every woman cries for the same reasons, or even much at all. Make sure you ask your wife for her own advice to go along with what you read below. There are some things that might trigger different emotions for her than for others.

For the husband:

She’s crying.

1. Is she hurt?

a. Yes.

Help her. Ask what she needs. Take care of the situation. This is where your superhero husband skills kick in.

b. No.

Continue to step 2.

2. She’s not hurt. Ok. Are there reasons behind her emotions that only a woman understands?

a. Yes.

She might be dealing with pregnancy or PMS. Be understanding. And good luck. Anything could have triggered the tears. Or even nothing at all. She may not even know why she’s crying. Ask what she needs. Offer food, foot rubs, and other common hormone problem solvers. But most of all, be patient.

b. No.

Continue to step 3.

3. It’s not necessarily a hormonal reaction. Ok. Is she tired or hungry?

a. Yes.

Send her to bed. Or to the kitchen. Whichever takes priority. She may not recognize that she is hungry or tired (or both). And feel free to ask questions like, “How did you sleep last night?” right at the beginning of the day so that you have advance warning. Or, in the moment, ask questions like, “Can I get you a snack?” or “What did you eat for lunch?” to see how hungry she might be. Sensitive questions can prevent a good amount of headache in these situations.

b. No.

Continue to step 4.
What to do when your wife cries...a good read.
4. Ok. We’ve ruled out many of the more common triggers of tears. Now you know that there is something stressing her out or making her sad or otherwise upsetting her. Time to figure out what it is.

a. Is it you?

Most likely the answer is no. Don’t assume you’ve done something terrible to make your wife upset. Unless you know that you’ve said or done something that could upset her, don’t automatically blame yourself. And please be forgiving if she does blame you when you ask her what is bothering her. She might be trying to find the right answer herself, and you’re the nearest target. Be patient, and try not to take offense if she says something irrational.

b. Is it something she read, heard, or saw?

Talk it through with her. If it’s just her reaction to a sweet movie, or even a moment of happy tears, she’ll be fine shortly. But her emotions could also have been triggered by a social media rant she read from one of her friends or a difficult moment someone shared with her over the phone when they were looking for a shoulder to cry on. She most likely will want to get it out of her system by talking about it.

Again, be patient.

It might take a while for her to pinpoint exactly what it was that upset her. Let her talk until she has found her answer. You don’t necessarily need to propose a solution to the problem. Wait until she has found the actual source of her emotional moment, and give advice if she asks for help. Otherwise, your roles as protector, listener, and shoulder-to- cry-on will be most essential here.

c. She doesn’t know.

Again, be patient. Let her figure it out. Ask what she was doing just before you started talking, or maybe even have her walk you through her day. You might get her mind going back to the real source of her emotions. And just the reassurance that you’re there and listening will often be enough to calm her down.

​For the wife:

1. Be kind. Be patient. Be understanding. And talk about it. Tell your husband what you are feeling. If you don’t know, tell him what you do know. Not sure of the problem?

What was the most recent thing that triggered your emotional response?

​What happened before that?

Reason it out as much as you can, and be willing to just say, “I don’t know what’s
wrong,” for right now if needed. You can come back to finding problems and solutions later, after you’ve cried it out.

2. Don’t blame him. Be fair. Target a problem, not a person. Let him help you. Your husband, and maybe your children, are the closest to you, and so they’re in prime range for being blamed. Try to reason out your emotions as triggered by situations, not people.

3. Talk to your husband when you’re in a good mood. Try to tell him what usually makes you cry and how you like to be comforted. This can be a fun conversation. And it will help him to feel less stressed the next time he does find you crying because he’ll feel like he knows better what to do to help you.

4. Be there for him, too! Husbands might not be as prone to crying as wives (if we’re going with the stereotypes), but they still have feelings. Ask your husband how he likes to be comforted when he’s stressed out. Does he want to talk? Does he like to be alone for a few minutes? Give the support he needs in the way that he needs.

You can work together to refine your reactions to stressed-out- moments so that you’re both helping each other as much as possible. You’ll be amazed just how one little reaction in the right direction can make the two of you stronger together and make a sticky situation smoother.

​Photo Credit: Top picture - Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels; Bottom picture - ​Jason Corey Photography

You may also enjoy 6 Ways to Be the Hero When Your Wife is Emotional and 5 Ways to Ask Your Spouse Out
12 Comments
Miranda Fricks
2/10/2017 11:03:46 pm

I love this and I wish my husband would read this. Maybe I can print a copy and leave it by the toilet and take away his magazines so he won't have no choice but to read it haha

Reply
A&A
2/11/2017 10:54:00 am

Thanks, Miranda!

Reply
Vishal Wakode
9/18/2017 01:19:44 pm

I have some other problem, whenever we had fight for nothing my wife always threaten me to take an extreme level decision i.e. "i am leaving my job", "lets get separate" she never understand and try to solve the problem instead speaking this bullshit.

Reply
IP Freely
2/24/2018 01:18:28 am

Here's another solution: Compose yourself, stop crying and address the situation like an actual adult.

Signed,
Every husband ever

Reply
Anonymous
7/16/2018 01:43:55 pm

I don't wish to be contrary, but I'd like to explain to you that women are not immature or overreacting every time they have tears. Women are sensitive to things that are not understood to men, and the same goes for men as well - in different ways, of course. While some bouts of tears are unnecessary, others are brought on by deeper emotions that need to be addressed and cared for. Love and patience is the best way to handle it rather than becoming frustrated with your wife's tears.

Mary
7/29/2019 07:00:51 pm

You sound like the typical insensitive man that breaks women’s hearts. It’s not because we aren’t acting like an adult. We actually feel emotions unlike men and we are real enough to show our emotions instead of hide behind emotions like scared rabbits aka men. Makes me sick!

Every Husband
7/4/2021 11:43:50 pm

This!

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9/3/2021 10:04:34 pm

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F*ck mary
7/23/2022 09:06:03 pm

Instead of just blaming men why dont u understand that we do have emotions we just get shit on every time we show them, and we wish we could show them more without being judged

Peter
4/8/2018 07:54:28 pm

This is a helpful decision tree, thank you for your time and putting together something like this. It does not address a major issues in my relationship (I found this page through an internet search engine) - your discussion presume the woman talks to begin with. What do you do when your wife never responds to your caring questions? She even refuses to answer simpler yes/no questions?

Reply
Jill
10/18/2020 11:16:30 am

Nope. I'm a wife and i never cry. Some of us just don't and that's okay too!

Reply
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/13/2022 05:25:18 pm

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