Pornography: It's Not About the Sex!

Written by The Relate Institute

As therapists, we often hear emotionally distraught spouses assume that their partners’ pornography usage must be tied to their incredible desire for sexual intimacy. “I just didn’t realize how much of a sexual appetite my partner had until we were married!” is something we commonly hear from such spouses. Unfortunately, pinning the problem of pornography addiction on pure physical gratification causes two major problems: 

A. The partner who isn’t viewing pornography starts to think they’re the reason their spouse has to turn to pornography to get their needs met.  This causes damaging thoughts like, “If I was only more attractive…”, “If I was a better lover…”, etc.

B. The partner who is viewing pornography labels him or herself as a “sex addict” and starts to think they’re on a slippery slope and will never overcome the addiction or be fully satisfied by their spouse.
 
The issue with these perceptions is that pornography is not all about the sex!  More often than not, pornography is a symptom, not a cause, of the emotional turmoil individuals experience when they find themselves isolated, lonely, guilty, and full of shame.  If you surveyed people who viewed pornography anywhere from a few times a week to a few times a month, you’d find a few things in common about their background.  See if these match up for yourself or anyone you know who struggles with this addiction:
 
1)  Little to no skills for how to process their emotions. 

Most people who struggle with pornography grew up in families where emotions were taboo or highly discouraged.  Because of this, they have no idea what to do when they feel sad, lonely, or hurt.
 
2)  Lack of emotional intimacy.

This is arguably the biggest factor in most pornography cases.  As a result of the first factor, these people have usually never had anyone they could open up to about deep and intimate feelings – including their family and friends.

3) Isolation and loneliness.

Many people who come to therapy with a pornography problem have few real friends, don’t know who to turn to when they need support, or feel very alone in the world.
 
4)  Self-loathing, or a sense of worthlessness.

Whether this came from a family who never expressed love and comfort, or from a family who expected too much, these people feel that they are never good enough and will never measure up. They might even have the thought, “I feel so fake, if people really knew who I was inside, they’d never like me or accept me.”
 
With all of these painful emotions occurring, people who don’t know how to process their sadness, pain, or loneliness need an escape. For some, it’s drugs or alcohol.  But for pornography users, they choose the immediate gratification and temporary physical “high” pornography provides.  Of course, most people feel worse after they’ve viewed pornography because they feel guilty about it and then they pile shame on top of all those negative feelings they already don’t know how to deal with.
 
So as easy as it is to stereotype pornography users as men because “men are highly sexual and have sexual appetites that just can’t always be satisfied by their spouses”, this isn’t necessarily the case. Men seem to struggle with pornography more often than women because they’ve been socialized to hide their emotions and never let them show, and as a result, often have no idea how to handle strong negative feelings.
 
If you or someone you know struggles with pornography and is looking for help, a therapist is a great place to start.  Therapists can teach you how to allow yourself to really feel your emotions, process them in a healthy way, and create intimate relationships with your spouse and others.  Here’s a resource to help you find someone in your area!  If going to a therapist is too scary right now, try this book with your spouse to begin healing from the pain pornography has caused in your life.

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

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