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How Being "Mad" is Hurting Your Relationship

3/17/2016

37 Comments

 
How Being
Written by The Relate Institute
Have you ever been mad at someone and thought, “Why am I so mad at them?  They didn’t do it on purpose!” ?  When you’re mad about something, it’s easier to shut off your brain and just brood, than to really think about the above question. Unfortunately, when you do this, it leaves you clueless as to why exactly you’re upset. Before you come back with the retort, “I’m just mad because I’m mad!” hear us out. Anger is what we call a secondary emotion. It’s the top of the iceberg of emotions. This means there are primary emotions beneath it.  Because primary emotions leave us feeling more vulnerable, they quickly get covered up with some form of anger, causing us to react poorly when we feel wronged in our relationships.

For example, a wife might be mad at her husband for forgetting his phone one day because she couldn’t get ahold of him. But a closer examination of what’s going on with her could reveal a fear of something bad happening and not being able to find him. Or maybe she’s afraid he doesn’t care about her enough to remember the things she asks him to do–like bring his phone with him. She doesn’t hold on to her fear very long because fear is a vulnerable and scary emotion. Which of these emotions seems softer, though – Anger or Fear? Her husband will likely react a lot more kindly and apologetically if she shows him her fear for his safety rather than her anger at his forgetfulness when he gets home.  
​

Primary Emotions: 
Fear, Hurt, Shame, Disgust, Loss, Sadness, Pain


Secondary Emotions: Anger, Frustration, Anxiety, Jealousy
Wow. This was an insightful article about anger and emotions in relationships. I wonder what is at the root of my anger - stress and fear perhaps? #relationshiphelp #conflictresolution #marriageadvice
Primary emotions are usually immediate reactions that we feel the moment something happens. We don’t even usually know they’re there. Our primary emotions quickly turn into secondary emotions which we’re more familiar and comfortable with. After all, if your spouse reacts poorly to your anger, there is less risk of being hurt than if he/she reacts poorly to your sincere expression of a fear and hurt. In this regard, it’s easier to be angry at a spouse, than to let him/her know you are hurting and really need him/her; anger serves as a personal protection and a way to keep from feeling dependent on others.

Unfortunately, primary emotions hang around longer than secondary emotions do because until we get to the primary emotion causing the secondary emotional reaction, we can’t resolve the source of the anger. Anger also leads to defensiveness in a partner, leaving you both feeling upset, misunderstood, and resentful. Being able to talk to your partner about your primary emotions allows him/her to address the core of the issue and offer you the comfort and reassurance you actually need.

It’s a lot easier to feel secondary emotions because they feel vague, familiar, and less intimidating. But once you start paying attention to why you feel the secondary emotions, you’ll get to the root of what is going on and be able to resolve it much more quickly. So next time you want to snap at your spouse, take a moment to really think about what your emotional reaction is about. Are you just “mad because you’re mad!” or is there something deeper going on?
Photo Credit: Top Photo: Caitlinn Mahar-Daniels; Bottom Photo: Jason Corey Photography

You may also enjoy 5 Things Great Listeners Do and 6 Compliments That Will Make Your Wife Melt
37 Comments
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3/3/2017 12:29:09 am

When I am mad, I don’t talk to my friends. I prefer to talk to myself and read a book. Some of my friends will say if I am mad, I made a decision without thinking. I would like to suggest if you are mad, better shut up your mouth and let your mad decrease with what kills you. I consider myself a moody and a sensitive person. If someone shouts at me intentionally or unintentionally, I feel hurt and get mad. There are many emotions that will kill us. Sooner or later, everyone will experience it.

Reply
Chloe Daren
10/2/2021 12:27:44 am

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Tony Cox link
12/31/2018 03:17:50 pm

I'm not familiar with the Relate Institute but there are some distinctive differences in the breakdown of primary emotions from other (more traditional?) researchers. (http://changingminds.org/explanations/emotions/basic%20emotions.htm) Most researchers (Plutchik, Ekman, etc.) put anger in the primary emotion category, but I laud the change in perspective. Thx.

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11/24/2020 07:25:19 am

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12/19/2020 08:44:37 pm

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5/16/2021 05:09:04 pm

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7/21/2021 06:09:15 am

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7/23/2021 11:42:04 am

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7/28/2021 08:54:28 am

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8/14/2021 05:28:57 am

Hello to everyone out here, I am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me … My name is Susan Christian , I live in London, UK. we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, all he was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do, i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believe in all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. i contacted Dr Emu for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell on him that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 24 hours my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he started to apologize on phone and said that he still love me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that Dr Emu casted on him that make him come back to me today, me and my family are now happy again today. thank you Dr Emu for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back their husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact Dr Emu , if you need his help you can contact him through his private mail: emutemple@gmail.com or you can contact him through his website https://emutemple.wordpress.com/ fb page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple-104891335203341 and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.

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10/2/2021 12:29:00 am

REAL EFFECTIVE SPELL CASTER TO HELP BRING BACK EX LOVER AND STOP DIVORCE: https://luckyspelltemple.wordpress.com

I want to share my amazing experience with everyone about a spell caster called Dr Kala, my husband was cheating on me and when I found out we had a fight which led to him filing for a divorce, I cried and begged him to forgive me but he insisted on divorcing me. When i was searching about love quotes online i saw people talking about Dr Kala and his great work on how he help them to resolve their love problem whose case was similar to mine they left his contact info and i contacted him and he told me not to worry that after 24hrs my husband will cancel the divorce and come back to me after i did everything he asked me to do, to my greatest surprise after 24hrs, my husband came back and he knelt down begging me to accept him back and he promised me he will never cheat or leave me again. He cancelled the divorce and returned back home. Thank you once again Dr Kala you are indeed a blessing to me. You can also contact Dr Kala to help you get your ex back on email: kalalovespell@gmail.com or WhatsApp +2347051705853. His website is https://luckyspelltemple.wordpress.com .

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10/8/2021 01:29:21 pm

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Nancy Brown
10/28/2021 08:18:22 pm

IT WORK 100%....I just got my Marriage fixed, I contacted a real spell caster that helped me change my husband’s heart to love and want me again, and he really did and now we are very happy together. My husband left me for another woman, This was just 3 years of our marriage. The most painful thing is that I was pregnant with our second baby. I wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity . if you are here and your Lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact Dr.Unity for help now..
Here his contact...WhatsApp him: +2348055361568 ,
Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com
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Reply
Amy Livingston
11/15/2021 02:56:41 pm

Life doesn’t get easier, instead we strive hard to make it easy for us and today I’m so happy and glad that my husband is back to himself again after he had turned drinking into a habit. I don’t want to lose my husband for any reason. I was hurt with how our lives just changed and I needed help. I went online to search for help on how I can save my marriage and I came across lots of genuine testimonies about Lord Zakuza that specializes in all kinds of spell casting and I gave it a try to save my own marriage. Lord Zakuza accepted to help me and he cast a spell for me that made my husband reduced his intake of alcohol within 48 hours and within 7 days, he stopped drinking. My marriage was fully restored back with Joy, love and romance and I want to say thank you to Lord Zakuza for helping me. Anyone that needs help can contact him via Call/WhatsApp on this cell phone number +1 (740) 573-9483 or visit his website: Lordzakuzaspells.com or send him an email via: lordzakuza7@gmail.com

Reply
Nancy Brown
11/19/2021 05:30:42 pm

IT WORK 100%....I just got my Marriage fixed, I contacted a real spell caster that helped me change my husband’s heart to love and want me again, and he really did and now we are very happy together. My husband left me for another woman, This was just 3 years of our marriage. The most painful thing is that I was pregnant with our second baby. I wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity . if you are here and your Lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact Dr.Unity for help now..
Here his contact...WhatsApp him: +2348055361568 ,
Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com
,His website:https://reallovespell.wordpress.com

Reply
carly arden link
12/7/2021 04:02:03 am

GREAT LOVE SPELL CASTER DR PETER THAT HELP ME SAVE MY RELATIONSHIP. TEXT OR ADD HIM UP ON WHATSAPP: +19844092762

My name is CARLY ARDEN .I want to give thanks to DR PETER for bringing back my ex husband. No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m about to write would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker) that Trust is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person, It was one of the best things I have ever done. My love life was in shambles; I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, rather than to get in contact with DR PETER . He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me. We are now very much happy with ourselves. DR PETER makes him realize how much we love and need each other. This man is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back! It was like a miracle! He suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling, and we’re doing very well in our love life. contact details WhatsApp on +19844092762 email: drpeterspellcaster21@gmail.com website: https://drpeterspellcasters.wordpress.com page: https://web.facebook.comdrpeterspellcaster22

Reply
pedro
2/4/2022 09:41:51 pm

Am very happy again, my life has changed for good after Prophet/Dr Odiboh brought back my divorced wife within 72 hours. Contact him now for any help on relationships matter or for your lottery favour and life issues in general via Email on: odibohsolutionhome@gmail.com or whatsapp +2347048883838..

Reply
Shannon Mattingly
2/23/2022 06:04:53 am


The best ex back spell 2022. I just got my husband back through the help of genuine love spell caster called Dr Unity' he helped me change my husband’s heart to love and want me and this kids again .
My husband left me and our 2 kids for another woman for 3 years. I tried to be strong just for my kids but I could not control the pains that torment my heart. I was hurt and confused. I needed a help, so i did a research on the internet and came across a site where I saw that Dr. Unity a spell caster, can help get lovers back. I contacted him and he did a special prayer and spells for me. To my surprises, after some days, my husband came back home. That was how we reunited again and there was a lot of love, joy and peace in the family. You can as well contact Dr. Unity, a powerful spell-caster for solutions . Here his contact...WhatsApp him: +2348055361568 ,
Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com
,His website:https://unityspelltempl.wordpress.com

Reply
Anthony Kasey
2/25/2022 01:23:48 am



MOST POWERFUL AND EFFECTIVE LOVE SPELL AND LOTTERY SPELL CASTER ONLINE 2022



wicca love spell tools is the only spell caster I trust and believe me I’ve seen many. He is honest, genuine and straight to the point which I love. He’s given me so much evidence over the years that my loved ones are always with me. For me it’s the detail. Pieces of information that can’t possibly come from anyone else. ♥️ I can’t recommend Dr Jumba highly enough ♥️ check out this YouTube channel and website to know more about Dr jumba : : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com , https://youtu.be/kBvs5nQcjWo

Reply
stephenalex
3/9/2022 07:21:28 pm

Save Your Marriage from divorce today And Get Your Ex lover Back! He have helped thousands of women/Men to get their Ex-lover back With His powerful voodoo Spell.

Having my wife back has brought great joy in my life, this is one thing that I have always wished for in my life and I got it so easy through the help of Dr unity..fix your broken relationship now. He helped me get my wife back, just tell him your situation and he will help you…
Here his contact.
WhatsApp him: +2348055361568 ,
Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
His website:https://reallovespell.wordpress.com

Reply
stephenalex
3/9/2022 07:21:38 pm

Save Your Marriage from divorce today And Get Your Ex lover Back! He have helped thousands of women/Men to get their Ex-lover back With His powerful voodoo Spell.

Having my wife back has brought great joy in my life, this is one thing that I have always wished for in my life and I got it so easy through the help of Dr unity..fix your broken relationship now. He helped me get my wife back, just tell him your situation and he will help you…
Here his contact.
WhatsApp him: +2348055361568 ,
Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
His website:https://reallovespell.wordpress.com

Reply
Cindy Anthony
3/30/2022 09:44:00 am

I am sharing this testimony to partners suffering in their relationships because there is an enduring solution. My husband left me and our 2 kids for another woman for 3 years. I tried to be strong just for my kids but I could not control the pains that torment my heart. I was hurt and confused. I needed a help, so i did a research on the internet and came across a site where I saw that Dr. Todd a spell caster, can help get lovers back. I contacted him and he did a special prayer and spells for me. To my surprises, after some days, my husband came back home. That was how we reunited again and there was a lot of love, joy and peace in the family. You can as well contact Dr. Todd, a powerful spell-caster for solutions on his contact manifestspellcast@gmail.com website:https://manifestspellcast.wordpress.com

Reply
stephenalex077@gmail.com
4/3/2022 03:33:08 am


Hello everyone,

Best Spell Caster Online To Get Your Ex Lover Back Quickly & Permanently Even If Your Situation Seems Hopeless!.
My name is Shannon Mattingly, I'm from UK. My husband left me for another woman. The most painful thing is that I was pregnant with our second baby. I wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity . if you are here and your Lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact Dr.Unity for help now..
Here his contact...WhatsApp: +2348055361568 ,
Email: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
website:http://unityspelltemple.website2.me/

Reply
Shannon Mattingly from USA
4/23/2022 11:17:31 pm



Get your ex husband/wife back Quickly & Permanently.
My name is Shannon Mattingly from USA. My husband left me for another woman. The most painful thing is that I was pregnant with our second baby. I wanted him back. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I had for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back , I had no choice than to try it. I messaged the spell caster called dr unity, and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before 11 hours. He cast the spell and surprisingly 11 hours later my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened He wanted me to return to him. He also said he loved me so much. I was so happy and went to him that was how we started living together happily again.thanks to dr unity . if you are here and your Lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact Dr.Unity for help now..
Here his contact...WhatsApp: +2348055361568 ,
Email: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
website:http://unityspelltemple.website2.me/

Reply



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