Helping Your Spouse Overcome Addiction

1/7/2015

Addictions come in all shapes and sizes. Some of the most common and damaging addictions include substance abuse (in all its forms), pornography, and gambling. If left unchecked, these addictions have the power to destroy anything and everything you hold dear - your family, your career, your friends, your marriage, your future.

Amendment to Article:

Due to the many comments and useful insights provided, we would like to amend this article to provide some clarifying points.

Tip #3 suggests that a spouse can be someone a person facing addiction can be accountable to. While this can be very helpful in some relationships, it certainly isn't appropriate for every relationship. As some commenters point out, it can lead to codependency. Counseling with a licensed professional is highly encouraged. It can be very helpful for the addicted spouse to be accountable to another third party outside of the relationship - such as a counselor, therapist, or trusted friend.
Dealing with addiction is not easy - for any of the parties involved. While these tips can be helpful, this article certainly doesn't pretend to be a full or extensive resource to dealing with addiction. This topic is much too complex and severe to address in a single post (and that's a post we'll leave to the professionals). If you find yourself in this situation, we would strongly encourage you to reach out for help. You're not alone and there are many helpful resources available. Some of those resources are listed below.
Being the spouse of an addict can be extremely challenging - and there are resources and help available for you as well. As some commenters note below, dealing with a spouse's addiction can be a traumatic event. Your spouse's addiction is not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. Ultimately, they are the one that must decide to change if they are going to beat their addiction. As much as you'd like to, you can't change them, nor is it your responsibility to change them.

For additional resources on addiction recovery and dealing with addiction please see any of the following sources:

http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-help/#sthash.PO8JSdVZ.dpbs

http://addorecovery.com/

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng
http://www.recovery.org/

It's possible that addiction has, or at some point will, show its ugly face in your marriage. Dealing with addictions can be very challenging to all parties involved. But, despite how bad things may seem, there is always hope. Where there is a desire to change and be better, change is possible. While we certainly make no claim to be experts or have all the answers, we hope you find these tips useful as you help your spouse deal with, and overcome, an addiction.

1) Remember we all have flaws

The first step in helping your spouse is recognizing, or remembering, that no one is perfect. We know you thought they were perfect when you married them, but guess what - you were wrong. We're all human, we make mistakes, and we have flaws. We're a work in progress. Your spouse isn't perfect, and neither are you.

This may sound like a cop-out or a way to simply excuse your spouse's poor and inappropriate behavior - but it's not. There are no excuses. However, remembering your own imperfections will help put you in a state of mind to exercise genuine love and patience as you help your spouse change. Just as you would want someone else to do for you.

2) Identify the problem and seek help

Just like many serious illnesses, early detection and help can be the difference between success and failure - as well as the varying degrees of pain in between. It's far more difficult to break a bad habit once it's become entrenched as your way of life.

If you notice your spouse acting differently and you suspect something is wrong, then approach them in a loving and concerned way. Unfortunately, your "hunch" might be right. Ask them if something's wrong, or if they have fallen back into bad habits. There are many signs to watch out for depending on the specific addiction - but that's a topic for another day. What's important here is that if your gut tells you something is wrong, don't simply ignore it. Approach the topic with your spouse rather than waiting for it to turn into a big ugly monster that could destroy your marriage.

3) Be the friend they can be accountable to

One of the keys to successfully tackling an addiction is to form a team and tackle it together. Don't let your best friend and spouse try to fight this monster all by themselves and without help. They need you!

Set goals together, put a plan in place, and have them report to you on a regular basis. They need to feel completely comfortable talking to you, without feeling judged or belittled (certainly, there may be circumstances where that's not easy, or even possible). It's much more likely that they will break their poor habits and experience real and lasting progress if there is accountability to someone other than themselves. Don't be afraid to ask hard questions.

Your spouse's addiction is likely a very sensitive topic, so be the friend they can turn to in confidence and trust. Be the friend and spouse you would want if you were in their shoes dealing with a seemingly impossible task. And don't give up. Despite any setbacks you may experience, never give up!

4) Remove the temptation

We once heard someone very wise say, "It's far easier to avoid temptation that to resist it." How true that is. Help your spouse recognize when they are weakest and most vulnerable to their vice. Then, arm them with the tools they'll need to avoid those situations.

If there's a problem with alcohol, then remove it from your house and expect your spouse to come home right after work. If there's a problem with pornography, then use filters on computers, phones, and tablets. Put a password, that only you know, on devices, and keep computers in higher traffic areas. If there's a problem with gambling, then carefully track spending and put stop-limits in place.

This is all easier said than done. At the end of the day, it's nearly impossible to completely avoid or remove all temptation. The only kind of control that really works is not external, but rather, internal. Self control. But there are certainly steps we can take along the way to make things easier.

5) Be a source of encouragement and support

Dealing with an addiction can kill a person's self esteem. And low self esteem makes fighting that addiction much more difficult. So, be a source of encouragement and support. Let your spouse know that you believe in them, that you love them, and that you will do whatever you can to help them. This doesn't remove their personal responsibility to make better choices, but rather empowers them. As they feel your love, they will want to be better for you - and that can be a very motivating power.

Many of these suggestions cannot be done unilaterally. You cannot fix the problem for your spouse - and you shouldn't feel guilty for their mistakes. But, when there is a real desire to change, you can work as a team and conquer this challenge together.

22 Comments

Michelle link

1/15/2015 10:40:06 am

As the wife of an addict, I'd just like to add a little here.

Points 1 and 2 are spot on. We most certainly all have flaws and we would do well to remember that when another's flaws are in the limelight. Seeking help in processing the truth you discover is also imperative for success.

Point 3 is good. I am my husband's #1 accountability person, but I am not the only one, nor should I be. There are times when someone needs to hear the hard truths from another person who is dealing with the same addiction. It is easy to think, "My spouse is just better than me. She/he wouldn't get it. Or they'll be mad at me." These are the times a sponsor or other support person is needed to help give them the push to keep going...and to open up to their spouse.

Point 4 is excellent. The spouse needs to be the one in charge of removing the object of addiction from the home as the addict cannot handle that job on his/her own. BUT, that is where it ends. It is not the spouse's responsibility to make sure there are no loop holes. It is the addict's responsibility to make sure he/she doesn't go looking to find them.

Point #5 is also great, as long as the addict is in fact putting forth the effort and steps to change their behavior and heart. Otherwise, one is merely smoothing things over, which may help temporarily, but does little long term....and let's face it, marriage is really about the long term.

Makemyburdenlight link

1/15/2015 10:55:22 am

Athough I agree with much of what you say, I fear you have left out some of the most important information, and it will possibly mislead many spouse's reading this.

I am a 6 yr sober drug, alcohol, & sex addict. I am also the wife of a sex addict not in recovery.

First, addiction is not about self control. The fact you would mention that makes me curious about your knowledge about addiction, or if maybe you are a non recovering addict yourself, considering "Admitting powerlessness" is one of the biggest aspects of every 12 step program.

Second, the most important thing a spouse needs to learn is Boundaries (I recommend the book Boundaries by Henry cloud). Without Boundaries, a spouse will enable the addict, and enabling is the WORST thing possible for an addict because it robs them of the natural consequences to their actions. An addict who is being enabled has almost a non-existent chance of getting sober.(http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Stop-Enabling-a-Drug-Addict).

Third, its OK for a spouse to be angry about their loved ones addiction. Of course they'd be angry and upset, why wouldn't they be? They have every right to be angry when they learn their personal safety (and possible safety of their children) is threatened by the actions of an addict. However, there ARE healthy ways of expressing our anger. But a spouse should never refrain from lovingly and honestly expressing how hurt, upset, and unsafe they feel. Its part of the natural consequences of an addicts actions. Honesty and communication is crucial for both the spouse and the addict.

And lastly, what this article also fails to address is the trauma a spouse & family can experience by the actions of an addict. Especially the intense trauma and betrayal caused by being married to a sex addict. This trauma can even be a form of PTSD called Betrayal Trauma.

Spouses of addicts need help just as much as the addict. They are in incredible pain. Its like getting hit by a drunk driver and ending up with broken bones in the hospital. Its not their fault, they didn't do anything to cause it, yet they are left in pain and having to pick up the pieces of their own lives all because of the selfish actions of another. Spouses NEED help in making sense of their new disastrous reality.

Please, I urge you to take this opportunity to become more educated in Boundaries, addiction, and also the effects addiction has on spouses.

How to Set Boundaries (I posted additional resources & links at the bottom)
http://makemyburdenlight.blogspot.com/2014/12/how-to-set-boundaries.html?m=1

Heather link

1/15/2015 11:48:56 am

I appreciate the commenters above and I do appreciate this article. I share some of the same concerns however. Do you have reliable resources that back some of what is being said? Because, here's the thing.... You've written an article about addiction but then talked about catching it early on before it becomes damaging. I'm sorry, but an addiction is damaging no matter what stage it is at. Also, spouses of addicts are NOT to be the person they are accountable. This creates a vicious cycle of codependency. I would be happy to send you information on this if you'd like.... but I can tell you it's what I've learned from professional therapists, treatment programs, and personal experience. Yes, I do believe you need to support each other and be there for each other. However, the person for whom the recovering addict needs to be accountable to must be someone outside the marriage (religious leader, sponsor, therapist) in order to protect the marriage and prevent recurrent trauma for the spouse. I worry for the wives of porn addicts (like myself) who read this article and may see their husband's sobriety as their burden to shoulder. It is not. The way to nurture the marriage is to heal the faulty thinking and allow each person the individual space they need to heal from their hurts. That just can't be done when you are having to constantly be there for the addict. I realize this sounds cruel, but it is ultimately the most loving thing you can do because in giving them that space and setting your boundaries, you are teaching them about self-love and a reliance on God. It is simply not enough to remove temptations. That's called white-knuckling. Eventually there will be the time to turn to each other in trust, but that only comes with recovery and recovery takes far longer than you think.

Again, I appreciate some of the points you've made and agree wholeheartedly. Encouragement, empathy, and trusting your gut are SO important. But so are boundaries for the spouse and particularly because any trained professional will tell you that addicts lie. They lie a lot. They are also often very good manipulators. They need support, but sometimes the best support you can give them as a spouse is to sweep your side of the street first and hand them over to someone not so emotionally invested.

For what it's worth, my husband and I were high school sweethearts as well. We've been married for 12 1/2 years now, following his time serving an LDS mission. I found out about his 'problem' a year into our marriage. It seemed we addressed it as I supported him and encouraged him to do better. It was an open topic of conversation over the years as I'd ask 'how he was doing'. There were other times he was caught or things were disclosed over the course of our marriage. We followed pretty much what you are advocating and it only worsened things. It wasn't until he admitted to it being an addiction, until things REALLY hit the fan, until I learned about and set boundaries and stopped being that enabler I didn't realize I was being.... well, that's when change could really come about. I am happy to say that he has been 'sober' for four years now, the longest ever for him, and is fundamentally a different person. Our marriage is truly the best ever and we have learned and grown a lot TOGETHER. It took some real walking separately through hell to get there though.

tiffani

3/19/2015 03:05:57 pm

Heather,
I hate to ask this of you, but I am also the spouse to a Porn addicted husband. We've been battling this for several years now and he just admitted 2 days ago to actually being an addict. I don't even know where to begin with supporting him or even how to deal with my own feelings in the situation so I was hoping you may be interested in maybe giving me a few pointers. My email is tiffaniallred11@hotmail.Com. I would really appreciate it, and if your aren't interested that's ok too.. thanks and God bless

annie

8/6/2015 08:45:46 am

I am an Lds wife as well with a husband with an addiction as well. We have been married for 9 years and have been battling this for many years. How did you cope? Im broken today and could definitely use someone to help me cope. Here is my email. bbabe20061@hotmail.com. thank you

Lisa

3/11/2016 08:27:51 pm

Hi Michelle, you are absolutely right! I have enabled my husband for 20 years by doing all of the above! I thought I was doing the right thing, loving & supporting him, recognising my flaws & doing what I coukd to fix myself & my flaws. All to no avail. All to find out he was an expert liar, blameshifter, smoke screener & manipulator. It left me completely & utterly empty, bereft and bled dry. When I read articles like this it makes me extremely upset & disturbed! I want to yell out "I did all of this and he used it against me!" Thanks for pointing this out so clearly. I'm glad you and your husband are in recovery. Me and my husband are separated now and he's still trying to 'white-knuckle' it.

millsmgee

1/15/2015 12:06:33 pm

I cant get on board with this article, AT ALL. #3 and #4 sound like a codependent in the making. It's ridiculous. Being your spouses accountability partner will destroy anyone. And it has to be the addicts idea to remove temptation, they have to choose this. I feel like this article wasn't written by someone who is educated in addition.

Anna Kristoff link

1/15/2015 12:27:17 pm

I wanted to add some resources for those that stumble across this looking for support, especially those women who end up reading this who have a spouse with a sex/pornography addiction.

I know that in my own marriage, marrying a sex addict that if I wound have had done of the resources I have now, I would have been in a lot better place sooner healing and recovery wise. I say healing and recovery because having a spouse with a sex addiction has caused me some serious betrayal trauma (like PTSD) and I've needed lots of help.

First off, I would want you to know that you are not alone! There is a group of women that know and understand the pain you are going through! The women I have met on my journey are some of my sweetest friends that I treasure! They are my tribe! We are warriors together!

Http://owningourstories.blogspot.com is a great place to find many resources!

Togethernessproject.org

addorecovery.com

If you find yourself here and you need to talk to someone whose been there or you just have questions please email me at annakristoff02@gmail{dot}com

Remember you are not alone!

Anna Kristoff

1/15/2015 12:31:42 pm

*please ignore my typos, I was on my phone...

*also other resources are s-anon, ARP groups, healingthroughchrist.org

1/15/2015 01:00:18 pm

I would like to also add my voice to those speaking to the wives who have been through this -- you are not alone! You are enough! There is a fantastic resource for wives dealing with this issue in their marriage on this google drive called "You Are Not Alone". I highly recommend reading it. bit.ly/WimoXF

Addo Recovery (addorecovery.com) is run by some of the leading CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Specialists) in the Country, and truly understand this issue and what families are dealing with -- they even have a free 6 week class on betrayal trauma for wives, that is one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

This issue in my marriage has tested both of us, and our marriage, to the core -- but the amazing thing is that through real resources, therapy and 12 step groups, we have come out stronger and better, and far more connected with God and the atonement of Jesus Christ. We are several years into recovery and things are truly beautiful.

And, for what it's worth -- we did me as my husband's accountability partner. It was awful. I needed honesty, but I did NOT need to be his dumping ground for his shame and poor choices as he was sorting this out. As all good 12 step groups will tell you, an addict needs a sponsor who get the issue and has been there themselves to be the person they work through their 'crap' with, then as they are healthier and see life for what it is, then real honesty and openness in the marriage can thrive -- but in those early days, me being 'accountability partner' was among the most hurtful, damaging times in our marriage. It was NOT my place, and I'm SO glad we found a good therapist and good sponsors who helped us figure that out.

Alice link

1/15/2015 01:17:08 pm

I appreciate what you are trying to do here as the blogger but as a wife of a sex addict I fear that this blog post simplifies a not-so-simple situation. I believe that your intentions are good and that you are trying to help and I agree with some of what you have said, but I fear there is so much more to this topic.

Remembering we all have flaws is a wonderful thing and it’s true, in fact, it is something I try to teach my children. However, when someone’s “flaws” become a danger to another than there comes a point when it is about so much more than remembering that we all have flaws.

I have too many dear friends who have suffered at the “flaws” of their addict husbands. There are some who have had to drag themselves to a clinic to be tested for STD’s because of the relentless affairs their spouse(s) were having, some who are thousands of dollars in debt to an addiction they didn’t even know their spouse had, some who have spent years and years and YEARS trying to make a marriage work just to painfully realize that their spouse has no real desire to recover, etc… Yes, we all have flaws but some flaws and mistakes have bigger consequences and lasting damage than others

I love what you wrote about following your “hunch” and not ignoring your gut. I did that many times but was left feeling crazy when I was reassured over and over again that everything was “fine”. It doesn’t always go the way we hope because addicts LIE. Following a gut instinct is great advice but what should one do when they follow their instincts and get a very convincing and reassuring answer… when in reality, it is a lie or a manipulation?

Being an accountability partner doesn’t work for everyone. Depending on the couple and the addiction and the betrayal it varies. For some it is healthy to be accountable with/to each other but for others it is toxic. Many therapists suggest group therapy, sponsors, etc, because typically when addiction is discovered it is a shock and the spouse suffers from betrayal trauma and PTSD and isn’t in a safe place to be the accountability person. Again, I like what you say here but I feel that you need to offer more options because there isn’t “one way” for everyone and some of the information here could be hurtful.

As for removing the temptation, I completely agree with “make-my-burden-light”… if the addict wants to act out they will find a way. I have blocks and passwords to protect my children from accidental exposure to pornography on all of our devices in our home but I am the mother of my children, it is my job to protect them. I would be naïve to think that the software and the blocks couldn’t be broken if someone really wanted to find a way through them. I can remove the pornography from my home or make it difficult to access but if someone wants to act out they will.

The first few years after learning about my husband’s addiction I really pushed my anger away so that I could be the safe support I thought he needed. I figured if I responded in a loving way I would make him feel safe so that he would be open and honest with me. It didn’t work, the lies continued. When I finally got real and expressed to my husband how I really felt and what I really thought of his choices (and sometimes it was very volatile {I’m not proud of this}) I felt better about myself. I wasn’t pushing my emotion aside in order to control the outcome of his honesty. I was finally being true to myself and my feelings… and it was important for him to face the reality of his choices.

I appreciate what you are trying to do here but I really encourage you to invest in understanding the complexity and depth of this topic.

Aaron & April

1/15/2015 01:19:57 pm

Thanks everyone for your comments and feedback! It's very helpful and will no doubt help others who are reading this and dealing with very tough issues. A special thanks for the additional resources provided! Please continue to add your thoughts and share insights.

Tice link

1/15/2015 01:26:14 pm

I would love the topic to read "Helping Yourself While Your Spouse Overcomes Addiction". Because there is a lot of recovering that goes into helping oneself in such a tragic situation.

1/15/2015 01:33:57 pm

While I will always appreciate a popular blog or news outlet shedding light on addiction, I really feel the need to leave feedback on this. I understand this was meant to be encouraging and helpful but I am concerned about some misunderstandings on here about addiction recovery and being married to an addict. I would encourage you to seek out the opinion of a licensed therapist who specializes in addiction and edit this post.

#3) Be The Friend They Are Accountable To: The partner of an addict is NOT meant to be the accountability partner. This sets the partner up in a pattern of continued codependency and their chance of further hurt and betrayal is too great. This is risky advice. Bottom line, you are never the cause for your partners addiction. And since you are not the cause, you cannot make him change. Being the person he is accountable to will not work. Addicts need to come to a place of change on their own and they need a sponsor outside of the marriage to be accountable to. That is not healthy for a spouse to play that role.

"They need to feel completely comfortable talking to you, without feeling judged or belittled (certainly, there may be circumstances where that's not easy, or even possible)." I disagree, as the partner of an addict, you have the right and obligation to share your feelings and your hurt when your partner tells you about any addict behavior he engages in. This is an essential process of recovery for an addict, they need to know just how far reaching and hurtful their actions are on their loved ones. He will likely feel deep regret and shame, but that is the consequence of his actions. Changing your behavior or hiding your emotions to prevent him from hurting or being uncomfortable does him no good-that is enabling. There are appropriate and healthy ways to express anger/hurt/betrayal, but they need to be shared.

4) Remove the temptation: This again goes with the points I made above. You can create healthy and safe boundaries that protect YOURSELF, but you cannot police your partners behavior. You can set limits on what you will engage in and what types of behaviors you will accept in your life from him if you would like to continue to be married. It isn't your job to police, monitor and remove all of their temptations. Those behaviors will keep yourself in a place of worry, fear, and hopelessness. This would shift the burden of responsibility off of them and place it on you. Again, these changes need to come from him.

Also, as pointed out in comment above, "self-control" and "bad habits" are terms I would not use when referring to addiction. That is absolutely not what it is about, it is so much more than that. I would encourage you to read some resources below that can help shed a light on addiction.

1) http://sm.stanford.edu/archive/stanmed/2012spring/article5.html
2) http://rowboatandmarbles.org/letter-lds-wives-pornography-addiction
3) http://salifeline.org/bookstore-item/understanding-pornography

Some Resources for those struggling in a marriage with addiction (I have been married to an addict for almost 9 years, unfortunately I am not a stranger to this world. There is hope and healing for the spouse!):

Find a counselor who specializes in your spouses addiction and also betrayal trauma that you can meet with, learn about the addiction and its affect on an individual and a marriage, attend a 12 step group, and start caring for yourself and make your healing a priority.

www.addorecovery.com
www.salifeline.org
www.addictionrecovery.lds.org
www.thetogethernessproject.org

http://overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families/articles/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addiction?lang=eng

Harriet

1/15/2015 02:26:22 pm

As the wife of a recovering addict, I have serious concerns about this post. I believe it doesn't just cause concern but has the huge potential of being harmful and damaging in a relationship with addiction. I feel like many of your points minimize and simplify a very traumatic and complex problem and go directly against the advice of 12 step groups and trained therapists. I encourage you to seek the advice of a trained professional before writing and offering advice on such a complex and potentially damaging topic.

I appreciate and am grateful for the comments above and the insights and resources offered.

Shauna

1/15/2015 03:41:32 pm

So many others have commented and shared many of my own thoughts in a much better way than I could; but I'd still like to add a few thoughts.

One of the things that stands out to me is in point #1 where you say: "....as you help your spouse change." A basic premise of addiction recovery (no matter the addiction) is that the addict has to do the work for him or herself. They have to admit their life "has become unmanageable" (Step 1)--that they HAVE an addiction--and that THEY want to get help and do the *hard* work to remain in recovery. Yes, a spouse can "exercise genuine love and patience" as their addict works their OWN recovery, but I strongly believe they cannot do anything to make or "help them change".

I've been married over 36 years and my husband has been addicted to porn and lust since long before we were married (since age 12). He kept all of his acting out, porn viewing, lusting after other women, etc. hidden from me for more than 34 years of our marriage through lies, minimizing, deception, and more--including being arrested for making 'harassing' (aka 'obscene') phone calls. It wasn't until about 2 or 3 years ago when he got into serious recovery that he admitted he indeed had an addiction and reached out to get help (12-steps/Sexaholics Anonymous). He had to do this ON HIS OWN to make progress in his recovery.

And it wasn't until I learned about Betrayal Trauma and started working on my own recovery that I really understood what had been going on for all those years. Some of the resources that have been so very helpful to me have already been mentioned so I won't link to all of them, but I would like to mention them here: the forum at hopeandhealinglds.com; Rowboatsandmarbles.org; Addo Recovery (including Betrayal Trauma); and The Togetherness Project.

I've found most of the women/spouses in recovery for the trauma their husband's addiction has caused them are young enough to be my own daughters. I worry that there are so many more closer to my own age that are suffering alone as I did for so long. And I'm also afraid that if anyone tries to "help [their addict spouse] change", they'll both go on for many years without getting the help each of them truly needs...separately.

Kilee link

1/15/2015 08:40:10 pm

I am also the wife of an addict. While I appreciate you trying to bring light to addiction, I think these kinds of posts on a website like yours NEED to be written by a professional. It's one thing to write based on personal experience (such as the many addict or spouse-of-addict blogs out here) and sharing insights as things you have learned as you have dealt with this kind of stuff in your own life an marriage, and it's another thing entirely to write from a standpoint of "this is how you do it" on a nurturing marriage blog.

There are valid points. However, as mentioned by previous commenters, the way this article is written can be more damaging than helpful. I feel that you have put way too much responsibility on the spouse of an addict to keep the marriage going, when, in fact, the things that are failing in the marriage are going to be largely because of actions of an addict. Addicts exhibit behaviors that are abusive. That goes way beyond remembering you have flaws too, being a supportive spouse, or helping them seek help. As mentioned in an above comment, most addicts are liars. They even lie to themselves. When breaking the addiction cycle, the addict and spouse both need to be healed, and that can't happen when the spouse is taking on the burden of trying to fix the addict.

When it comes to full-blown addictions, these tips can create codependent behaviors. Marriage obviously takes two, and both spouses have to work together to make it work. However, the spouse of an addict simply cannot risk his or her emotional stability and well-being by sucking it up and trying to be the problem solver.

You have had many great comments on this post, so I'm not going to say more. It would just get redundant.

I would just ask that you please consider a post-revision and seek someone well-versed in addiction regarding both the addict and spouse to help with the revision. There is huge potential on this post, but right now, I'd fear for anyone reading it who just found out her spouse is an addict. It would put that spouse in a very hard place trying to micromanage the addiction.

Wife of an Addict

1/15/2015 11:58:08 pm

The overall tone of the article is about how the wife can keep the marriage going strong and how she can curb the behaviors of an addict. I suspect based on this advice the author hasn't spent much time in addiction literature. Some others have commented with this and I have to do the same: please, please do a post-edit after speaking with someone who is trained in addiction recovery. Yikes! This topic is just much to severe and heavy to write an opinion peace without doing some research first.

The first step in 12 step recovery is for an addict to admit that they are powerless to overcome their addiction. As a spouse married to this person, no amount of forced smiles and encouraging sentiments offered, or actions made to remove their temptation, or remembering they are prone to mistakes will truly stop them. Most of those will just keep them in their addiction cycle. They have to admit their addiction is stronger than them and stronger than anything they will ever encounter. They have to work their recovery, they have to want to change for recovery to work.

As a spouse you get to focus on your own healing and safety. You are not the problem solver, recovery maker, or the addiction stopper. That doesn't cause true change or recovery! But you do get to decide what you feel safe with and what you will allow into your life....there is so much more on this topic but I will leave it at that.

I really loved some of the resources that were listed in the comments above. It would be great to see the author get in touch with some of them and come up with helpful and healthy tips for spouses of addicts (and remove the hurtful suggestions). I would have also loved to see some of the resources listed in the post.

1/16/2015 05:18:36 am

Here is some really good info. Lengthy, but good. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=so_PGNEfXqM

Anoni Mouse link

1/16/2015 09:20:35 am

SO...I'm an addict. And...I don't mean to sound mean or hurtful or anything like that, but I read this article and it feels to me like it is written by someone who isn't the spouse of an addict and doesn't really understand it, but took a lot of information that seemed correct (and some of it CAN be to an extent) and but it together. I'm an addict. I'm addicted to lust. I have been since I was a kid. I've been married for almost 5 years and am now separated from my wife for the second time because of my addiction.
While we all need to remember we have flaws, I think someone reading this might go on to think, "man I guess I am a bit too hard on my husband. I'm a mean person and I need to be better" and fall into the trap of actually enabling the addict.
We've all got flaws definitely. But unless the spouse of an addict is also an addict to the same addiction and has done all the same things as their addict spouse has done. There is usually a HUGE difference. I think my wife as every right to be pissed off and to have feelings of loathing towards me. She can even be judgmental. She can and has found me to be a disgusting individual. What I did was horrible. Where my addiction has led me is horrible. I've known others who have done even more things more terrible, and some less so. The actions that addicts do ARE horrible and sometimes disgusting. They should be. No that doesn't mean we should be treated like maggots, but its okay for people to express their feelings towards our actions. It was good for me to see, and feel all the emotions my wife was feeling, because I as an addict live within myself and my own little reality. ("this isn't REALLY hurting anyone but myself right? It's okay!") Its not okay, and addicts don't respond to love and consolation. If that were the case then all of us would have stopped being addicts the moment we were married. We respond to pain, to loss, to fear. And when others show those we see it. We recognize that better than we recognize love and forgiveness. I'm not saying that a spouse should NEVER show love or forgiveness, but she should only do it when SHE feels comfortable with it.
The second topic, no addiction is a bad habit. They start from bad habits sure, but once its an addiction it is entrenched. Too many man that are addicts only refer to their problem as a "little problem" or a "bad habit" as if it were the easiest thing in the world to get rid of. It's not. Bad habits can be stopped by a simple decision. Addictions cannot. Addiction always destroys the marriage. They can work on it and make a marriage work, but the one they've gotten into is always destroyed. In my opinion, I think every woman has the right to divorce her husband if he is in an addiction (especially a sex addiction). They signed up for something they thought was going to be one way and it turned out not to be that way. That alone is a good reason, especially if their spouse is in an addiction where the odds of recovery are very slim. If they choose to stay is equally as fine. Either way they are going to learn many different experiences. I do think the spouse should be the person the addict is most accountable too, but that's not all. The more people you are accountable to, the more help you are going to receive, and addicts need all the help they can get.
About taking the temptation out of the house I agree. That's definitely a great idea. Imperative actually. But the addict has no self control, at least not in the beginning of his recovery process. Don't depend on him to make the right decision, because he hasn't made it before and most likely, until he has some long term sobriety wont be able to. He's an addict. It is great when the wife is willing to help the husband and encourage him, but 99.9% of the time the wife/spouse of the addict is putting more effort into it that the addict. This will transform the relationship into one where the wife doesn't realize she is enabling the addict and will begin to feel more and more resentful for it, and he will fall more and more down the rabbit hole. She can only put as much effort into the addict's success as he does. And often times, the best solution is for the addict to do it alone so he has no choice but to make a choice to get real help, or to keep going with what he's doing. Those are just my thoughts.
And now for my encouragement. I'm very glad that you are at least trying to help the spouses of addicts. This is quite a issue that is going on and I think its great that you are trying to help people. Helping people is probably the best thing anyone can do. So thank you for your support and help. Again, the points you pointed out were correct at face value, they just needed to go a little deeper and explore the problem a little bit further.
Thanks again.

1/16/2015 11:23:08 am

Thanks again everyone for your comments and insights! We know that this is a very sensitive topic and we appreciate you sharing. We certainly don't claim to be experts and think some of you have brought up very valid concerns. We plan on adding an addendum at the beginning of the article in the near future to shed light on these issues and to also highlight some of the resources you've provided. We also plan on reaching out to some licensed professionals to provide further insight on this topic in the future. Again, THANK YOU for being willing to share, we know your thoughts and encouragement will help others.

SCOTT WYCOFF

6/14/2022 01:25:03 pm

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Helping Your Spouse Overcome Addiction

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