Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NNC, Gottman 7 Principles Educator
Synergy Counseling Innovations, LLC
Time and time again, in my work with couples, I find myself sitting in session hearing one partner telling the other what they don't want. Inevitably the listening partner, naturally, becomes defensive and they either: shut down or react. If they react, they usually escalate the exchange by bringing up prior perceived offensives (a typical defensive strategy). Example: "Oh yeah? Well you......" The power struggle dance has begun and the couple has just blown past the underlying need, leaving it unaddressed. But no worries, it WILL resurface at another time, maybe disguised a bit differently, and it will likely lead to a repeat of the blame game. When this happens, the couple ends up missing an opportunity to dialogue about a partner's need and work together to find a resolution that suits the couple. They miss the opportunity to grow within conflict. For often, conflict is growth trying to happen.
Over all, people are pretty skilled at voicing what they don't want. Telling people what you do want, on the other hand, is often tricky. It can be uncomfortable to make yourself vulnerable to another. Opening up to someone has inherent risks: there is a fear that our needs will be dismissed, we will be laughed at, or we will be judged. People naturally want to avoid this. In a roundabout way, the logic is: If I tell you what I don't want, then you should be able to infer what I do want and my needs should be met without me directly stating them. This logic only leads to disappointment, resentment, and even anger; all of which feed emotional distance and can begin to erode a relationship. Here are some negative need statements I have helped couples reframe into positive need statements. Examples of negative need statements -
Negative need reframed into a positive need -
The point is to articulate what you want, what you need, and what you prefer and to not come at your partner with what you don't want. By saying what we don't want, our partner is going to hear "This is what you are doing wrong. This is what you aren't doing right." They will likely take your negative need as a personal criticism, and when people feel criticized they will defend themselves. By saying, "When I come home at the end of the day, I'm looking forward to peace and quiet. I'm looking forward to relaxing in the family room and to hearing about everyone's day over dinner," that lets your partner know what you want, what you need, what you crave, what you look forward to, what you hope for, and what you expect. And with that knowledge, your partner can help make that a reality for you. Remember: A negative need is a statement about what you don't want. A positive need is a statement about what you do want. Focus your energy on what you do want and work towards that, not against it. If you don't convey what you need, how do you expect to get it? Make a conscious effort to state a positive need in place of a negative need and see how your conversations change. So, try it today. Identify a common negative need that you say and turn it into a positive need. If you have a hard time coming up with one, ask your partner for feedback about your negative needs. Make it a couples exercise where you each work through a negative need and make it a positive one. Help and encourage each other through the process. Trust me, I know it isn't easy. My clients know it isn't easy. When you catch yourself in the middle of a negative need just stop and try again. With practice you will begin to communicate to your partner what you do need and you'll be giving them something to work with. Photo Credit: Crooze Photography
You may also enjoy Crazy Fun Dates Delivered to Your Door and 3 Ways to Nurture Hope in a Dying Marriage
27 Comments
Sharon
9/3/2021 09:49:22 pm
how i got my Ex lover back after a divorced by the help of DR NCUBE a marriage/relationship specialist. contact him if you need help WHATSAPP DR NCUBE ON +2348155227532
Reply
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/14/2022 01:51:06 pm
Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try DR EMU copy and message on the following ( Email: [email protected] ) or ( WhatsApp: +2347012841542 ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341
Reply
Rachael Mildred
1/22/2024 09:08:39 am
EFFECTIVE LOVE SPELL TO GET EX HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND OR EX WIFE/GIRLFRIEND AND CURE HERPES AND INFERTILITY THAT WORKS WITHIN 24 HOURS.
Reply
THIS IS HOW YOU CAN RECOVER YOUR LOST CRYPTO? Are you a victim of Investment, BTC, Forex, NFT, Credit card, etc Scam? Do you want to investigate a cheating spouse? Do you desire credit repair (all bureaus)? Contact Hacker Steve (Funds Recovery agent) asap to get started. He specializes in all cases of ethical hacking, cryptocurrency, fake investment schemes, recovery scam, credit repair, stolen account, etc. Stay safe out there!
Reply
Grant Marre
5/16/2024 08:39:56 pm
Hi, The perfection solution is here. Are you prepared to take the next step bold step to get your lover back but don't know genuine Sorcerer to contact? Go no further than DR LABABA, He's the best when it comes to solution to physical and spiritual problems your marriage, relationship or any other problems that is still yet to receive, DR LABABA is your go-to helper.. Email: [email protected]
Reply
Natasha Miller
6/6/2024 11:58:34 am
My husband whom I built my life with for 23 years left me and the kids without a word. Everything came crashing down on me and I reached out to our loved ones and no one could help. There came a time he filed for divorce even when we had no issues or ever fought over anything disastrous. Dr Isikolo came to my rescue and fixed the problem I had with my man. He reunited us back together again and he returned home to us. Indeed life is mysterious and I never thought I would experience what I did went through but all thanks to Dr Isikolo who worked for me and assured me of the positive results after 48 hours which indeed came to pass as he promised. He can as well fix your problems if you contact him now. Text him on WhatsApp him on +2348133261196 or check his page (https://isikolo-temple.com)
Reply
Monica Albareda
6/14/2024 12:28:15 pm
No one else can help you fix your relationship and love problems better than Dr Isikolo (https://isikolo-temple.com)
Reply
obodubu monday
7/18/2024 05:17:09 am
Dr. Obodubu Monday is recognised all over the world of marine kingdom, As one of the top fortunate and most powerful spell casters doctor of charms casts from the beginning of his ancestors ship until now Dr. Obodubu Monday lives strong among all other spell casters, there have never been any form of impossibility beyond the control of Dr. Obodubu Monday it doesn’t matter the distance of the person with the problems or situation, all you have to do is believe in the spell casting Dr. Obodubu Monday cast that works, he always warns never to get his charms cast if you do not believe or unable to follow his instruction. it is the assignment of the native doctor Dr. Obodubu Monday to offer services to those in need of spiritual assistance not minding the gravity of your situations or distance as long as water, sea, ocean, lake, river, sand, etc. are near you, then your problems of life would be controlled under your foot. if you need any spiritual help on any of these WhatsApp Doctor Obodubu on : +234 705 993 7909
Reply
9/3/2024 02:52:29 pm
HOW TO GET BITCOIN BACK FROM SCAMMER // CONSULT LOST RECOVERY MASTERS
Reply
God bless DR. Sambola for his marvelous work in my life, I was diagnosed of HERPES VIRUS since 2015 and I was taking my medications, I wasn't satisfied i needed to get the HERPES out of my system, I searched about some possible cure for HERPES i saw a comment about DR.Sambola how he cured HERPES with his herbal medicine, I contacted him and he guided me. I asked for solutions, he started the remedy for my health, he sent me the medicine through UPS SPEED POST. I took the medicine as instructed, in 2 weeks i was totally cured. if you need herbal cure contact dr.akhigbe on his WhatsAPP number: +2347011451611 because he has a solution to all your problems. Email [email protected]
Reply
Shanika Stewart
10/31/2024 08:39:32 am
Reply
Brookly Fab
2/3/2025 03:11:42 am
i am super excited this very moment indeed Dr Dominion is truly a good man, i doubted him from the beginning but right now i can trust him with my all because he has put a beautiful smile on my face and change my life from struggle to millionaire, what would i have done without him, just few months ago i was struggling wondering what would my life turn into, now i am here sharing a wonderful testimony of my life, after i explained my whole situation to him he took me as his own daughter and removed my family from shame, he prepared a lottery winning spell for me with true sincerity and gave me a winning number to play and that was how i won that jackpot, Dr Dominion took away my shame, my pain and my worries, what a humble man with a heart of gold, thank you so much i am very grateful for what you have done for me, should you have any interest in giving it a try or going through any difficulties i think he is the right man to talk to and i believe he can help
Reply
KIARA HAHN
3/7/2025 02:38:10 pm
How I Got My Ex Back with the Help of a Spell Caster +2349161779461
Reply
Wendy
4/1/2025 03:59:05 pm
It's an honor to share my testimony with the world. You merit all the accolades that mention you. Lord Meduza has been a gift to me since our meeting online. He is the only one who knows everything about creating spells. I adore him immensely for his kindness, compassion, integrity, and the support he offers to everyone who interacts with him. Without Lord Meduza, I wouldn’t have survived this difficult situation. His magic turned me into a Lottery winner of £177 Million Pounds, transforming my entire life into something beautiful and extraordinary. The numbers he provided for the lottery were transformative, elevating me from grass to grace, and I want to express my eternal gratitude to him. Thank you, sir, for being a source of help to those in need. Anyone who reads this article and requires assistance can reach him via his Email: [email protected] or via WhatsApp: +1 8 0 7 9 0 7 2 6 8 7, as he is unmatched in crafting spells.
Reply
GUFF jack
4/11/2025 06:11:27 pm
Holy s**t. Sorry for the language but I cant believe i stumbled across a comment while scouring the internet. I am suffering from erectile dysfunction, which was the same situation i found on the post ,Then I Connected with the email , i saw on the internet . i ordered mine and same with me today am cured , i am now a full man , enjoying my sex life and also got manhood enlarger , now my wife do scream on me and enjoy every part of me , if you also need his assistance , You meant go through his website; https://bubaherbalmiraclem.wixsite.com/website . Or reach him via mail ; [email protected] or WhatsApp ; +2349060529305 or his Facebook Page ;https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61559577240930 . AND THANK ME LATER . REACH ME FOR ADVICE +12044101902
Reply
Patricia Watson
4/14/2025 01:26:16 pm
Lottery Spell That Works 100%
Reply
Lizzy
4/29/2025 06:11:16 am
My relationship was restored and my lover who left me 2 yrs ago finally came back to me and apologized for all the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again, ever since then my broken relationship was restored back to normal. Thank you so much Dr Ogudugu spell caster for saving my relationship, are you facing any issue in your relationship? contact [email protected] or whatsapp him on +2348163026536 to get a healthy relationship THANK YOU
Reply
Amelia susan
5/3/2025 03:53:07 pm
Thank you sir for your genuine spells.This is really incredible, and I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before i met Dr Adebayo, i have tried every possible means that i could to get my husband back,but nothing was working out for me,and that my husband had developed lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope to reunite with my ex husband. But when i read good reviews about Dr Adebayo , i decided to give it a try and i contacted him via WhatsApp and I did everything he instructed me to do, he told me am going to see the results in 48 hours. Shockingly my husband called me 2 days after I finished what Dr Adebayo told me to do . We are more contented now than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural!Thank you so much for your authentic and indisputable spells. Thanks Sir for your help, you are indeed a Godsend to my life. If you need help in your marriage of broken relationship, contact Dr Adebayo odu right now for help WhatsApp +234 9117814268 or Email [email protected]
Reply
Amelia Sophia
5/4/2025 11:35:28 am
Hello viewers all over the world. I'ave got a shocking and unbelievable testimony to share to you all. My name is Amelia Sophia and I was once an HERPES VIRUS patient since 2014 but I was recently cured from the disease by an African Powerful Herbal Doctor by name (Doctor AKHIGBE) early this year January 10th. Am so happy because I am no longer an HERPES VIRUS patient because am free and cured by doctor akhigbe i will keep on sharing the testimony of his good work. I owe doctor Akhigbe nothing but my life because he is a good and kind African man sent to Earth to help individuals in their difficult times. If you have similar case or you are suffering from this same HERPES VIRUS or your loved ones, you can contact the Herbal doctor with his cell phone number:+2347083551316 or better still you can as well add him up on Whatsap with same number:+2347083551316 and his email address is: [email protected]
Reply
Wendy Gunn
5/16/2025 06:44:43 am
LORD MEDUZA IS THE BEST SPELL CASTER ONLINE
Reply
Nora Jackson
6/20/2025 03:22:40 pm
I've been attempting to expand my wine business in my hometown in White Plains. For the past 7 years, I do play the lottery in my spare time, but on this blessed day I came across an article about Lord Meduza's spell to win the lottery. I contacted Lord Meduza to see if it would work and after I agreed to his terms and conditions for completing the task for me, he performed his magical powers for me and within 48 hours, he provided me with the numbers I needed to play the lottery, and I followed his directions. I found out at the store that I was the winner of a $105 million jackpot. For a moment I felt uncertain but I looked again and I saw it was real. As I speak to you, My level has been elevated from grass to grace and I've come to know that life is more spiritual and with the Lord Meduza spell, you can actually win the lottery. Please join me in thanking Lord Meduza and his contacts are listed as follows;
Reply
6/22/2025 04:38:48 am
Reply
Wendy Gunn
6/22/2025 06:56:57 pm
It's an honor to share my testimony with the world. You merit all the accolades that mention you. Lord Meduza has been a gift to me since our meeting online. He is the only one that knows everything about creating spells. I adore him immensely for his kindness, compassion, integrity, and the support he offers to everyone who interacts with him. Without Lord Meduza, I wouldn’t have survived this difficult situation. His magic turned me into a Lottery winner of £177 Million Pounds, transforming my entire life into something beautiful and extraordinary. The numbers he provided for the lottery were transformative, elevating me from grass to grace, and I want to express my eternal gratitude to him. Thank you, sir, for being a source of help to those in need. Anyone who reads this article and requires assistance can reach him via his Email: [email protected] or WhatsApp: +18079072687 as he is unmatched in crafting spells.
Reply
Jeffery Vargas
7/9/2025 03:07:01 am
Hello to everyone, I'm Jefferey Vargas from Malta. My girlfriend ended our relationship for seemingly no reason and I came to understand that my financial struggles may have contributed to this, as a healthy relationship is difficult without money and aside from God, having more money is often seen as vital. For spellcasting, Lord Meduza is the right person to turn to. My girlfriend left me for another man due to my financial situation, but after connecting with Lord Meduza, he created a spell that not only brought my girlfriend back but also made me a lottery winner of €116 million by providing me with the 6 lucky numbers. Everything feels almost unreal but I assure you this is genuine and it's occurring. My life is incredibly beautiful and I owe my deepest appreciation to Lord Meduza as his efforts are the epitome of excellence.. I strongly encourage everyone to reach him for help via email: [email protected] or you WhatsApp this number +1 807 907 2687.
Reply
Nadia Walker
7/11/2025 02:36:10 am
We can always make our relationship the best for us and make our life or career a successful as we desire, it only take you to put in the right effort and if you feel you need help then look for help. After my husband left me I was heartbroken, lonely, devastated and sad, luckily I was directed to a very kind and powerful man Dr Uzo who helped me bring back my husband and now he loves me far more than ever am so happy with life now thank you so much Mr Uzo. i will advice anyone seeking to restore your life back, send a direct message on whatsApp +447957593938 or email [email protected]
Reply
Brittany Lowery
7/11/2025 12:11:13 pm
After being in relationship with him for seven years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain. I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him and I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I contacted a spell caster called DR ISIKOLO that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before two days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me and we resolved the differences and we are happy together now. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster and you can review his website: https://isikolo-temple.com or call/text him via WhatsApp on: +2348133261196.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Conflict
|