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Don't Tell Me What You Don't Want, Tell Me What You DO Want

12/1/2016

49 Comments

 
Whoops! I think I often express my needs in negative ways, but this marriage counselor is helping me to see how I can express my needs in positive ways! #nurturingmarriage
Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NNC, Gottman 7 Principles Educator
Synergy Counseling Innovations, LLC
Time and time again, in my work with couples, I find myself sitting in session hearing one partner telling the other what they don't want. Inevitably the listening partner, naturally, becomes defensive and they either: shut down or react. If they react, they usually escalate the exchange by bringing up prior perceived offensives (a typical defensive strategy). Example: "Oh yeah? Well you......" The power struggle dance has begun and the couple has just blown past the underlying need, leaving it unaddressed. But no worries, it WILL resurface at another time, maybe disguised a bit differently, and it will likely lead to a repeat of the blame game. When this happens, the couple ends up missing an opportunity to dialogue about a partner's need and work together to find a resolution that suits the couple. They miss the opportunity to grow within conflict. For often, conflict is growth trying to happen.

Over all, people are pretty skilled at voicing what they don't want. Telling people what you do want, on the other hand, is often tricky. It can be uncomfortable to make yourself vulnerable to another.

Opening up to someone has inherent risks: there is a fear that our needs will be dismissed, we will be laughed at, or we will be judged. People naturally want to avoid this. In a roundabout way, the logic is: If I tell you what I don't want, then you should be able to infer what I do want and my needs should be met without me directly stating them. This logic only leads to disappointment, resentment, and even anger; all of which feed emotional distance and can begin to erode a relationship.

Here are some negative need statements I have helped couples reframe into positive need statements.

Examples of negative need statements -
​
  • I don't want to come home and deal with (x,y,z) as soon as I walk in the door.
  • I don't like coming home to fighting and screaming.
  • I don't want you to spend the entire party talking to other people and not me.
  • I don't want you to jump in and undermine what I just told the kids.
  • I don't want to hear that you're sorry and that it won't happen again.
The root of most of your marital problems might be that you don't know how to clearly express your needs, in a positive way. This article will help you learn how!
Negative need reframed into a positive need - 
​
  • When I come home at the end of the day, I need some quiet time, some time to myself, before hearing about issues that have come up that we/I need to address. I need 20 minutes to transition from work to home.
  • It's important to me to be able to come home from work and step into a house that is/feels (happy, clam, relaxed, welcoming, etc.). I spend my whole work day in a fast-paced, hectic, and often loud environment, and when I come home I crave the opposite of that. I need the opposite of my day when I'm home.
  • When we are at the party tonight, I would love it if you would circle back around and check in with me. Can you please make an effort to socialize with me some throughout the party?
  • I need you to have my back when I lay down the rules with the kids. When you walk in and something is going on, I need you to help me with consistency. I need the two of us to be on the same page about things so we aren't sending mixed messages to the kids.
  • I need reassurance from you that you won't do that again. I need to know that you understand how you hurt me. I need to know that my pain is also your pain.

The point is to articulate what you want, what you need, and what you prefer and to not come at your partner with what you don't want. By saying what we don't want, our partner is going to hear "This is what you are doing wrong. This is what you aren't doing right." They will likely take your negative need as a personal criticism, and when people feel criticized they will defend themselves.

By saying, "When I come home at the end of the day, I'm looking forward to peace and quiet. I'm looking forward to relaxing in the family room and to hearing about everyone's day over dinner," that lets your partner know what you want, what you need, what you crave, what you look forward to, what you hope for, and what you expect. And with that knowledge, your partner can help make that a reality for you.

Remember: A negative need is a statement about what you don't want. A positive need is a statement about what you do want. Focus your energy on what you do want and work towards that, not against it.

If you don't convey what you need, how do you expect to get it?

Make a conscious effort to state a positive need in place of a negative need and see how your conversations change.

So, try it today. Identify a common negative need that you say and turn it into a positive need. If you have a hard time coming up with one, ask your partner for feedback about your negative needs. Make it a couples exercise where you each work through a negative need and make it a positive one. Help and encourage each other through the process. Trust me, I know it isn't easy. My clients know it isn't easy.

When you catch yourself in the middle of a negative need just stop and try again. With practice you will begin to communicate to your partner what you do need and you'll be giving them something to work with. 

Photo Credit: Crooze Photography

You may also enjoy Crazy Fun Dates Delivered to Your Door and 3 Ways to Nurture Hope in a Dying Marriage
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Brittany Lowery
7/11/2025 12:11:13 pm

After being in relationship with him for seven years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain. I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him and I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I contacted a spell caster called DR ISIKOLO that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before two days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me and we resolved the differences and we are happy together now. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster and you can review his website: https://isikolo-temple.com or call/text him via WhatsApp on: +2348133261196.

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Noel Patricio
7/20/2025 06:53:57 am

A Life-Changing Experience, Dr Kachi A Testimony of Gratitude

I would like to share an extraordinary experience that has transformed my life. I came across a remarkable testimony online forum about a powerful and renowned spell caster, Dr. Kachi. At the time, I was skeptical because I had never encountered anything related to magic or spell casting before. However, the story of Dr. Kachi's work resonated with me, and I decided to give it a chance. For years, my family and I struggled financially, and despite my best efforts, I never had luck winning the lottery. I loved playing, but winning seemed impossible. Everything changed when I connected with Dr. Kachi, who provided me with a winning lottery number through a powerful spell. In just 24 hours, I was able to play the lottery and won the Lotto 6/49 prize, a remarkable $68 million cash prize, on September 27th in the Gold Ball Draw. This incredible win has completely changed my life and the financial well-being of my entire family. After 10 years of trying unsuccessfully, I am now living my dream life. I am beyond grateful to Dr. Kachi for his assistance, Dr. Kachi has truly been a blessing to me and my loved ones. I encourage anyone who is interested to reach out to Dr. Kachi for guidance. his website https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site or email [email protected] Also reach him text or call +1 (209) 893-8075.Thank you once again, Dr. Kachi, for making my dreams come true.

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Michael Weirsky
7/21/2025 04:54:55 am

Good day viewers, I wish to share my testimony with all of you. I have daily 9 to 5 jobs, but while I work, I try my luck at playing instant Lotto. On this particular day, I decided to seek help online regarding tips for winning the lottery, and I saw many individuals testifying about Meduza spells. I reached out to him and informed him that I needed help to win the lottery, and he clarified the process to me, stating that after he casts the spell, it will take 48 hours for him to provide me the winning numbers which I accepted. I followed all his instructions, and he provided me with the numbers to enter the Lottery. After the draw the following morning, I received a notification on the Lottery app on my phone indicating that I was the lucky winner of $273 million on the New Jersey Lottery and I'm here to extend my heartfelt gratitude to Meduza. If you seek for help in any aspect of your life, WhatsApp Meduza via: +1 (807) 907-2687 or Email: [email protected]

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Susan Bickford
7/22/2025 03:53:46 am

It's A Great News to Celebrate with you Viewer, I am truly living the life I have been looking for after Dr Kachi made me win my Powerball Lottery, I had been playing for a good 8years. It was a friend of mine who directed me to Dr Kachi because my friend Nancy has won the Powerball so many times and I don't know how she got the match six numbers to play and win a very big amount of money, then the last time she won the Mega Millions I told her to tell me the secret on how she win. That's when she started telling me about the powerful Dr Kachi who has been her helper. and she gave me Dr Kachi Text/Call Number:+1 (209) 893-8075 I texted the greatest spell caster Dr Kachi and I told him I wanted to win my Powerball with his spiritual rightful number and he told me I should give him 2hours to get everything done and hopefully Dr Kachi do it, and give me a winning numbers to play my ticket that make me win the prize of $223.3 Million Dollars Powerball lottery Tuesday i bought the winning ticket at the Carlie C’s IGA store in Hope Mills, that changed my life for good today, and Dr Kachi a strong spell caster and trust him when he says the results will manifest it's Truth, God bless you Dr kachi for your kind help also can Email: [email protected] or website:  https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site

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Andrew Beckett
8/5/2025 12:28:37 pm

I and my wife had a misunderstanding which led to a huge fight and she left home and returned back to her fathers house. I let my emotions got the best of me and stayed permanently away from her. Things grew worse when she started seeing another man and I never knew about it. I tried fixing the problem and getting her to return back home and she never came back. I later found out all that has been going on and decided to seek help to fix my marriage with her which made me contact Dr Isikolo. Just as expected he worked for me and the problem was fixed and I am reunited with my wife. She returned back home just after 48 hours as promised by Dr Isikolo. I am forever indebted to him for fixing the problem I had in my marriage. kindly contact him for fast and urgent Help, webpage: https://isikolo-temple.com or WhatsApp call/text on: +2348133261196

Reply
Michael Weirsky
8/5/2025 04:01:35 pm

Good day viewers, I wish to share my testimony with you all. I have daily 9 to 5 jobs, but while I work, I try my luck at playing instant Lotto. On this particular day, I decided to seek help online regarding tips for winning the lottery, and I saw many individuals testifying about Meduza spells. I reached out to him and informed him that I needed help to win the lottery, and he clarified the process to me, stating that after he casts the spell, it will take 48 hours for him to provide me the winning numbers, which I accepted. I followed all his instructions, and he provided me with the numbers to enter the Lottery. After the draw the following morning, I received a notification on the Lottery app on my phone indicating that I was the lucky winner of $273 million on the New Jersey Lottery and I'm here to extend my heartfelt gratitude to Meduza. If you seek for assistance in any aspect of your life, WhatsApp Meduza via +1 (807) 907-2687 or Email: [email protected]

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Brookly Fab
8/13/2025 02:39:19 am

i am super excited this very moment indeed Dr Dominion is truly a good man, i doubted him from the beginning but right now i can trust him with my all because he has put a beautiful smile on my face and change my life from struggle to millionaire, what would i have done without him, just few months ago i was struggling wondering what would my life turn into, now i am here sharing a wonderful testimony of my life, after i explained my whole situation to him he took me as his own daughter and removed my family from shame, he prepared a lottery winning spell for me with true sincerity and gave me a winning number to play and that was how i won that jackpot, Dr Dominion took away my shame, my pain and my worries, what a humble man with a heart of gold, thank you so much i am very grateful for what you have done for me, should you have any interest in giving it a try or going through any difficulties i think he is the right man to talk to and i believe he can help

Email: [email protected]
website: https://dominionlottospell.wixsite.com/dr-dominion
Call: +12059642462

Reply
Jeffery Vargas
9/6/2025 10:41:36 am

I'm Jefferey Vargas. My girlfriend ended our relationship for seemingly no reason and I came to understand that my financial struggles may have contributed to this, as a healthy relationship is difficult without money and aside from God, having more money is often seen as vital. For spell expertise, Lord Meduza is the right person to turn to. My girlfriend left me for another man due to my financial situation, but after connecting with Lord Meduza, he created a spell that not only brought my girlfriend back but also made me a lottery winner of €116 million by providing me with the 6 lucky numbers to play the lottery. Everything feels almost unreal but I assure you this is genuine and it's occurring. My life is incredibly beautiful and I owe my deepest appreciation to Lord Meduza as his efforts are the epitome of excellence.. I strongly encourage everyone here to reach him and for enquiry, visit: lordmeduzatemple.com or email: [email protected] or WhatsApp this number +1 (807) 907-2687.

Reply
Andrew Beckett
9/24/2025 12:23:22 pm

I and my wife had a misunderstanding which led to a huge fight and she left home and returned back to her fathers house. I let my emotions got the best of me and stayed permanently away from her. Things grew worse when she started seeing another man and I never knew about it. I tried fixing the problem and getting her to return back home and she never came back. I later found out all that has been going on and decided to seek help to fix my marriage with her which made me contact Dr Isikolo. Just as expected he worked for me and the problem was fixed and I am reunited with my wife. She returned back home just after 48 hours as promised by Dr Isikolo. I am forever indebted to him for fixing the problem I had in my marriage. kindly contact him for fast and urgent Help, Go on and review his page: https://isikolo-temple.com or WhatsApp him on: +2348133261196

Reply
Jay Shelton
9/27/2025 12:17:50 pm

DR ISIKOLO cast a lottery spell for me and i won $8.500.000 . Read my review and contact him now for your own lottery winning numbers. It is a very hard situation when playing the lottery and never won, or keep winning low fund not up to 500 bucks, i have been a victim of such a tough life, the biggest fund i have ever won was 350 buck, and i have been playing the lottery for almost 8 years now, things suddenly change the moment i came across a secret online, a testimony of a voodoo doctor who help people in any type of lottery numbers, i was not easily convinced, but i decided to take try, now i am a proud lottery winner with the help of DR ISIKOLO, i won $8.500.000 and i am making this known to every one of you who have been trying all day to win the lottery, believe me this is the only way to win the lottery, this is the real secret we all have been searching for, you can contact Dr Isikolo on his website: https://isikolo-temple.com or text him on WhatsApp him +234-8133261196

Reply
Celta Vallecano
9/28/2025 04:14:01 pm

I’m at a loss for how to express this. My sister welcomed twin daughters in July, and I found myself in a difficult financial and emotional state. I am known as Celta Vallecano, and during my quest to find quick cash, I came across an advertisement claiming that Lord Meduza provides precise numbers to those genuinely selected for freedom from financial struggles through his genuine spell. I felt compelled to take a chance, and ever since reaching out to Lord Meduza, my life has significantly improved. As I write this, I am now a winner of €375 Million Euros after adhering to all the guidance and utilizing the MEGA MILLIONS numbers provided by Lord Meduza. I want to express my gratitude for the fact that assistance is indeed possible, regardless of how difficult your circumstances may seem. I highly recommend him in case you require any assistance.. Simply WhatsApp +18079072687 or E-mail: [email protected] and for more inquiring visit: https://www.facebook.com/lordmeduzatemple

Reply
Matis Glory
10/9/2025 12:41:15 pm

I need a genuine love spell caster that will be able help me secure my relationship and stop a divorce bringing back someone's ex-lover to reunite with happily CONTACT DR DAVID [email protected] OR WHATSAPP/CALL +2347051149457

I am so happy sharing my amazing experience with the powerful spell caster Dr David who helped me bring my WIFE back me and my partner was having a lot of issues things got so worst we got separated I was devastated I love her more than anything, I cried my eyes out until my friend who had a perfect relationship told me how she did it and introduced me to the wonderful man Dr David he told me everything was going to be Ok that there is no perfect relationship so he will help me fix mine, He told me what to do which I did and exactly 24 hours later my WIFE came back I’m so happy thank you so much I’m going to leave his details here so you too can benefit from him and his work you can also WhatsApp +2347051149457 or Email him at : [email protected] or [email protected] or view his website for more review: https://63e1caad0959a.site123.me/

Reply
Denzel Chau
10/13/2025 05:31:46 am

I am grateful for the amazing work you performed for me, LORD MEDUZA, by providing the Jackpot lottery numbers I required to win $368,000,000 and I understand that others will seek your assistance as well. His spells are spectacular and formidable. To get in touch with him today regarding your lottery winning numbers, visit his Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/lordmeduzatemple or WhatsApp +1 807 907 2687.

Reply
Anthony Larson
10/21/2025 08:38:26 pm

Personal growth is important for achieving success in life. All these words were shared with me by Meduza, who performed a spell reading for me and created a lottery spell that turned me into a lottery champion of $112 million here in Arizona. Within 48 hours of adhering to all of Meduza's divine instructions, he granted me the chance to use the divine lottery numbers to enter the lottery after I bought my ticket in Tempe. A week later, I was informed that I had become the fortunate Jackpot winner of the lottery game, and this was all made possible by Meduza. I want to kindly express my gratitude to him for his impactful words and actions. For a transformative opportunity in your life, contact Meduza via
Website: lordmeduzatemple.com
Email: [email protected]
Call/Whats__App Number: +1 807 907 2687

God Bless You Meduza.

Reply
Natasha Thompson
10/29/2025 01:32:03 am

My name is Natasha Thompson from the USA/Texas.. Am so overwhelmed with gratitude to let the world know how Dr Kachi, the great spell caster changed my life for good. It all started when I lost my job and I was down financially and emotionally because I couldn’t be able provide for my two kids and staying home all day Jobless it’s not easy until I was checking on the internet when I saw a series of testimonies hearing people winning the Powerball lottery, I didn’t believed, but being poor no job you have no option. I gave it a try and I contacted Dr Kachi who told me what i have to do before I can become a big lottery winner and I accepted. He made special prayers for me in his temple and gave me the required numbers to play the lottery game and when I used the numbers to play it, I won a massive $344.6 million Powerball jackpot. I was so happy and I choose to review my winning in any platform, I would love other people to seek help from Dr Kachi through Text and Call: +1 (209) 675-7342 or email [email protected] by his website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site

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Victory Andrew
11/6/2025 01:19:26 pm

Good day viewers are here to recommend a herbal doctor that is really amazing, shearing this testimony of how I got cured completely from herpes is the best news to provide on social media. I am so excited the herbal medicine works perfectly for me and I am now totally cured from herpes with the medication he sent to me. Please contact Dr Spiritual for quick help if you are suffering from any disease ? WhatsApp him via +2347055029151 and also on Email; [email protected] ..

Reply
paul corcoran
11/7/2025 11:24:03 pm

Unbelievable but true!I’m Paul Corcoran, I still can’t believe how it happened, I actually won the $2,000,000 million dollars lottery after reaching out to Chief Ade, the man with the most powerful and genuine spell I’ve ever seen! I had lost all hope after years of trying my luck, but Chief Ade’s winning spell completely turned my life around. Within days everything changed, the numbers came through and my life has never been the same since. If you’ve been struggling or doubting, don’t wait too long Chief Ade is truly the real deal Email [email protected] or WhatsApp +234 901 380 6328 THANK YOU

Reply
Celta Vallecano
11/10/2025 04:41:03 pm

I’m at a loss for how to express this. My sister welcomed twin daughters in July and I found myself in a difficult financial and emotional state. I am known as Celta Vallecano and during my quest to find quick cash, I came across an advertisement claiming that Lord Meduza provides precise numbers to those genuinely selected for freedom from financial struggles through his genuine spell. I felt compelled to take a chance, and ever since reaching out to Lord Meduza, my life has significantly improved. As I write this here, I am now a winner of €221 Million Euros after adhering to all the guidance and utilizing the MEGA MILLIONS numbers provided by Lord Meduza. I want to express my high gratitude for the fact that assistance is indeed possible to get regardless of how difficult your circumstances may seem. I highly recommend him in case you require any assistance, simply Whats--App +18079072687 or Email: [email protected] and for more inquiring visit: lordmeduzatemple.com

Reply
paul corcoran
11/11/2025 01:44:10 am

Unbelievable but true!I’m Paul Corcoran, I still can’t believe how it happened, I actually won the $2,000,000 million dollars lottery after reaching out to Chief Ade, the man with the most powerful and genuine spell I’ve ever seen! I had lost all hope after years of trying my luck, but Chief Ade’s winning spell completely turned my life around. Within days everything changed, the numbers came through and my life has never been the same since. If you’ve been struggling or doubting, don’t wait too long Chief Ade is truly the real deal Email [email protected] or WhatsApp +234 901 380 6328 THANK YOU

Reply
Justin Simporios
11/12/2025 10:18:45 am

Good Morning! My name is Justin Simporios from Canada. My daughter was unable to walk for several months after an accident that required her to have surgery. Because I haven't won the Lotto I've been playing for so long, I haven't been able to pay for the surgery. A friend online recommended Lord Meduza to me and he deserves a really, really big THANK YOU. This man chose to help me with a lottery spell and he gave me the precise numbers to play the Canada Lotto Max Lottery. After two weeks, I was proclaimed the winner of $80 MILLION DOLLARS. Now, my daughter will be able to walk once more after so much time as her surgery is now completely funded. My victory marks the biggest win for a single ticket in Lotto Max history in Canada. I still can't believe it, Indeed there's none like Lord Meduza. Although if you want your EX LOVER back, he can help you too so get in touch with him right now via
Email: [email protected]
WhatsApp: +1 (807) 907-2687
Website: lordmeduzatemple.com

Reply



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