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Conflict is Growth Trying to Happen

11/28/2018

18 Comments

 
What if conflict in your marriage is just growth trying to happen?

​Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NCC, Gottman 7 Principles Trainer
www.SynergyCounselingInnovations.com
Conflict makes appearances in all relationships, successful, happy ones included. The key isn’t to avoid conflict, as many couples mistakenly try to do, it’s to navigate conflict successfully and repair as needed.

In order to do this, you only need one big shift in your current conflict strategy: Focus on the underlying emotion of the conflict.

Emotions are the result of:

what happens
AND
the story we tell ourselves about what happens.

Typically when conflict arises, instead of reaching out for each other’s hand, couples who struggle with conflict tend to point fingers. They stop seeing their partner as their intimate ally and begin treating them as if they are the enemy. They blame each other for the problems in the relationship. This is erosive to the union as it slowly begins to destroy the emotional bond and eventually leads to greater disconnection, chronic fighting, and often the death of the relationship.

If you and your partner are having frequent conflicts, you have to get to the root of what’s going on, and address that.

Couples often get lost in the noise of conflict and miss what’s causing the noise.

When the source of conflict goes undiscovered, it will continue to find ways to resurface until it is resolved or breaks the relationship apart.

​So, try to see what’s driving the conflict from underneath.
What if conflict in marriage is just growth trying to happen?
What’s Your Current Coping Strategy?

If you feel like you’re in a cycle where conflict seems to be dominating your relationship, you’re likely coping with relationship stress by utilizing emotion-focused coping. Emotion-focused coping is simply distress tolerance.

You’re doing what you can to manage the stress, not remove it. You find a way to live with it rather than eliminating it.

Instead, you need to be utilizing problem-solving coping. Problem-solving coping is where you identify the issue causing conflict and come up with an action plan for handling it.

Get Some Perspective

Often, in conflict, couples are missing each other in the pursuit of what “really” happened, i.e., pushing your own viewpoint at the expense of your partner's perspective.

Your experience is valid, BUT, are you able to see your partner's point-of-view? Can you view their complaints, concerns, and feelings as being linked to legitimate frustrations that they are experiencing within the context of the relationship and not see them as attacks against you or as a personal flaw in them?

The more you cling to the belief that what’s going on in the relationship is your partner’s issue, that something is their fault, or that it is your partner that needs to change and be different, then you will be less motivated to initiate change to alter the patterns between the two of you.

Seek To Understand

If you want to understand your partner's side, then you cannot be solely focused on your own experience.

Doing that will only create a reaction / reaction dynamic that will get you nowhere.

If you don’t want to collaborate with your partner, then problems will dominate your relationship.

You must be willing to momentarily suspend your side of things so that you can step out of a subjective mindset and inhabit another view of the conflict.

​Own your emotions and make room for your partner’s emotions as well.
READ: ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

Be Curious In Conflict

When you experience your partner seemingly upset, be curious as to why they are upset - rather than getting defensive and reactive. Then just listen.

He/she may have a hard time articulating what’s going on for them under the surface. They may not be able to put a word to it immediately, but they will be able to identify that something doesn’t feel right.

By listening to your partner, you can help clarify what might be going on for them. You can help them identify what they are reacting to, and then a conversation can shift to understanding why this is occurring.

Example:

  • “You seem (angry, frustrated, sad, distant, confused, not yourself, a little on edge, short-tempered, withdrawn, quiet lately, overwhelmed, etc.). Is something bothering you?”
  • “Is this one of those moments where you feel like your needs are not a priority and are being bumped by me for something I want to do?”
  • “Help me understand what’s going on here.” OR “Help me understand why you feel this way.”

If you feel like you’re being attacked:

  • “I really want to hear what you have to say, it’s important to me and I’m trying to understand, but I’m feeling attacked at the moment. I know you’re trying to communicate something, but I’m having a hard time hearing you right now.”
  • “I’m feeling blindsided here. Can you help me understand what’s going on? What is this about?”
  • “I’m feeling confused. Help me understand what we’re really talking about here so we can work through this.”
  • “I feel like we’re arguing about something else, can we focus on that so we can resolve what’s happening together?”

READ: THE POWER OF A LUNCH DATE

Identify The Emotions Under The Conflict

Instead of trying to disprove each other and explaining to your partner how you’re right and all the ways they are wrong, try to hone in on the underlying emotions driving the conflict.

Identify the underlying emotions and the story attached to them, which is what the conflict is really about.

​Ask yourself: What does this problem symbolize? What story, what meaning, does it have for my partner?
It’s Not About Napping

Partner A naps a lot during the day. This upsets Partner B.

Partner B has shared their concerns about the daily napping. Partner A doesn’t understand why this is an issue and feels that Partner B is nagging. As a result, Partner A has been crabby towards Partner B.

Partner B did some introspective work to figure out why napping bothered them so much. They identified their underlying emotions. Partner B shared with Partner A that the daily naps during the workday have created a sense of insecurity and taken away peace-of-mind.

The meaning attached to Partner A’s napping is associated with their recent history (Partner A lost their job). Partner B had legitimate concerns about Partner A possibly losing their new job as a result of napping during the day. So the emotions Partner A was dealing with was related to Partner B feeling unsettled.

Napping during the day seems like nothing to be upset about UNTIL you learn the meaning that is attached to it. There you find understanding, and from there you can work. Partner B’s issue with the napping had ZERO to do with napping, but rather the history and the narrative attached to the napping.

Partner A can ask Partner B to talk about their increased sense of insecurity and decreased peace-of-mind, and then address those fears by validating and reassuring Partner B. This couple can stop fighting about napping and use their energy to speak candidly about the underlying emotions and the story attached to them, in order to work collaboratively to reach a resolution.

Conflict Is Growth Trying To Happen

The hardest part about being a couple is learning to improve responses to problems that come up.

When we are responsible for our own emotions, we have the ability to influence our partners emotionally.

Remember, there are always two perspectives, yours is not the only one.

Problems take place in context. Try to see the emotion under the conflict and the story attached to it.

Attune to your partner's side of the story, suspend your defenses, be curious about what’s happening for them, focus on the underlying emotions of the conflict, and speak to those emotions.

​By identifying and empathizing with your partner’s point-of-view, you are more likely to find a solution that honors both of you.  

​Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo

You may also enjoy25 Ways to Give Your Spouse the Time of Day and Do You Know What a Great Husband You Are?
18 Comments
Emil Harker link
4/5/2019 04:27:53 pm

For someone that has devoted his personal and professional life into understanding the process of dealing with conflict. The mere title of this book got me excited. Conflict is the seed of closeness. With the proper care of dealing with that conflict the love and respect can grow.

Reply
lawrencia Hall
11/25/2020 12:27:42 pm

This is a testimony that I will advise everyone to read because what I experienced was miraculous. i have been married  4 years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my husband away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2 years until i meant a post about dr jumba   helping people to bring back broken relationship  and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my beloved Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48 hours as dr jumba  told me,  my husband came back home and ask for forgiveness i was surprise to see him after a long time. he  came back to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you who has similar problem or any difficulty in his/her relationship  to contact dr Jumba and get your problems solved, His email: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com you can also contact him or whatsApp him on this +19085174108 .  thank so much  WEBSITE :  https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com IF you want to know more about dr jumba services . YOUTUBE: https://youtu.be/kBvs5nQcjWo  BLOGSPOT : https://manifestloveinyourbrokenhome.blogspot.com/  DR JUMBA personal blog : https://wiccaspelltools.blogspot.com/

Reply
Bella George
12/1/2020 07:06:44 am

HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK WITH THE HELP OF DR JUMBA  CONTACT ON WHATSAPP NUMBER +1 (908) 517 4108 

This is my testimony about the good work of Dr Jumba who help me....  am sorry for putting this on net but i will have to, by this world best spell caster that brought back my husband who left me out for past 3 years, i eventually met this man on a blog site posting by one of is client for help, i explained everything to him and he told me about a spell caster that he had heard about and he gave me an email address to write to the spell caster to tell him my problems. In just 2 days, my husband was back to me. I just want to say thank you to this truthful and sincere spell caster, sir all you told me have come to pass and thank you Dr Jumba  . Please I want to tell everyone who is looking for a solution to their problems, I advise you to kindly consult Dr Jumba  , he is real and powerful and whatever the spell caster tells is what will happen, because all what the spell caster told me came to pass. You can kindly contact him on WhatsApp : +1 (908) 517 4108 or email him : wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com  .  website :  https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

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Laura Davy
4/19/2021 11:05:45 pm

LOVE SPELL CASTER (DR. JUMBA) THAT HELPED ME BRING BACK MY DIVORCE HUSBAND CONTACT HIM NOW FOR ANY KIND OF HELP

With so much in my heart I am here to express myself on how Dr. JUMBA saved my marriage from divorce. Myself and my husband were having some misunderstanding and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extent my husband was seeking a divorce. So I have no option than to go to the internet to seek for solution to my problem. It was there I came across Dr. JUMBA details and about how he has helped a lot of people by restoring their relationship. I contacted Dr. JUMBA and in less than 48 hours my husband cancelled the divorce papers. Now myself and my husband live together in peace and harmony all thanks to Dr .JUMBA for saving my marriage from breaking up. Dr. JUMBA contact information is via email: Wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or call his phone number or WhatsApp: +19085174108 .or check out his website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com    

Reply
brooke cross
5/6/2021 12:35:52 am

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When i read a testimony online on how Dr Jumba the great and most powerful spell caster helped to bring back Divorce husband or wife EX LOVER. I was wondering how this can be true, Because many have failed me in the past without any result from them. I just let the post pass by and move on to the forum. To my notice under again, Some person posted and said tested and trusted spell caster. After reading through the mail it was this same man Dr Jumba she was talking about. So i have no other option than to really check up how he works.I was totally devastated when my beloved husband left me. It was like my entire world vanishing into sorrow and pain. I know it sounds weird but out of all the spell casters I contacted, he was the only one to give me that impression of being so true and trustful. More than his words,He brought my husband back and he made all my wishes come true. He is now loyal, pays attention to me, he offers me flowers every Sunday, and we often go out at the cinema and the restaurant. My husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promised never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. My family are living together happily again.. I will be forever thankful for turning my life from hell to heaven! I believe those who need help should get to him for help. May God continue to use you to save broken relationships. To every one with marital problems, divorce issues, lost lovers or any relationship related issues, you can contact Dr Jumba wonders the ultimate spell caster via email address wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com  , WEBSITE :  https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com Whatsapp messenger : +19085174108

Reply
Ashly Jimi
5/15/2021 10:31:20 am

I will forever be indebted to the great Doctor Jumba for fixing my broken marriage after my husband left me for his mistress for 6 months. I never believed in spells until my friend introduced me to him. At first, I was skeptical about him because I heard a lot about false spell casters but I put my doubts behind me for I was desperate to get my husband back and I did according to what he instructed me to do. Now my husband is back just within 48 hours of contacting him. I'm living happily with my husband again after 6 months of divorce and I will not rest till he's known all over the world. He also specialize in money spells, lottery spells, sickness spells E.T.C. Get connected with Doctor Jumba now, his email is wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or WhatsApp on +19085174108 Or His Website: https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

Reply
sarah alfred
6/21/2021 06:22:59 pm

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I've gotten back with my ex boyfriend with the help of Dr.jumba, the best spell caster online and I highly recommend Dr.jumba to anyone in need of help!.. I want to testify of how i got back my boyfriend after he breakup with me, we have been together for 3 years, recently i found out my boyfriend was having an affair with another Girl, when i confronted him, it led to quarrels and he finally broke up with me, i tried all i could to get him back but all to no avail until i saw a post in a relationship forum about a spell caster who helps people get back their lost love through Love spell, at first i doubted it but decided to give it a try, when i contacted this spell caster via his email, and he told me what to do and i did it, Then he did a Love spell for me. 28 hours later, my boyfriend really called me and told me that he misses me so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day, with lots of love and joy, and he apologized for his mistake, and for the pain he caused me. Then from that day, our relationship was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to DR.Jumba. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the Internet that Dr.Jumba real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com, you can also call him or add him on WhatsApp: +19085174108 check out his website :  https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

Reply
jasmine robert
7/3/2021 06:58:12 am

Thank you Dr Jumba for your genuine spells. This is really incredible, and I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before I came in contact with Dr Jumba, I have tried every possible means that I could to get my husband back, but I actually came to realize that nothing was working out for me, and my husband had developed a lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope of reuniting with my husband until my friend told me about dr jumba and she gave me dr jumba website i googled it and read good reviews about Dr Jumba work , I decided to give it a try and I did everything that he instructed me and I trusted in him and followed his instructions just as he had guaranteed me in 24 hours, and that was exactly when my husband called me and ask for forgiveness that he his on his way to my house .. We are good more than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural! Thank you so much for your authentic and indisputable spells. Thank you Dr Jumba for your help. If you need help in your marriage or broken relationship, contact Dr Jumba right now for urgent help Email: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com OR wiccalovelovespelltools@yahoo.com View his website https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/ Call/WhatsApp him: +19085174108

Reply
Felipe Dylan
7/10/2021 11:26:59 am

To everyone out there who thinks love spells don't work, I’m here to tell you that Lord Zakuza love spell is the best and most powerful. I am a wealthy man who has lots of assets and possessions but I have difficulty with women. Whenever I try to settle down with any, we end up breaking up and I had no idea of why I was going through such an experience in my relationship. It was so worrying that I couldn’t be myself anymore and I started searching for help everywhere even at my place of work. I was going through my work activities online and I came across a testimony of a lady called ( Febe Anouk ) regarding how Lord Zakuza helped her to restore her relationship with his love spell, I had to give it a try because I needed my Ex lover back that I love so much. I visited Lord Zakuza website online and I told him everything I was going through. Lord Zakuza consoled me and promised to help me out with my situation by preparing a love spell for me. I followed the instructions given by him to me and within 48 hours, my Ex lover came looking for me and pleaded for forgiveness. Since I came in contact with Lord Zakuza, things have changed for good in my life and right now, I am married with two beautiful kids and my home is blessed. All thanks to Lord Zakuza I am forever thankful to you. Visit his website for any help via lordzakuzaspells.com or WhatsApp him on +1 740-573-9483. Try him and your life will be blessed.

Reply
Olivia bolton
7/30/2021 02:44:13 pm


This testimony is worth sharing to the world. I am here to tell the world of the good works of Dr BALBOSA. My name is Olivia Bolton am from the UK.. My man left me and my kids for another older woman. It was not so easy for me.. I love my husband so much and I did not lose hope and I kept praying and God finally answered my prayers...i searched online for a spell caster to help me unite me and my lover back forever and i saw so many testimonies of how DR BALBOSA has helped so many people online and i decided to give him a trial … I contacted him and explained to him. He told me not to worry that he will bring back my man within 24 hours. He consulted his powers and assured me not to worry . He did his work and cast the spell and to my greatest surprise, my husband came back the same day begging and crying just as Dr BALBOSA said. He begged me for forgiveness and he promised never to leave me for any reason. We are happy and we live together as one. Contact Dr BALBOSA now and be happy forever. dont lose hope and good luck..

WHATSAPP AND CALL: +1(206) 485-3691
WEBSITE: https://balbosasolutionhome.com
EMAIL: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com

Reply
molly peterson
8/18/2021 01:03:43 pm

MOST POWERFUL AND HONEST SPELL CASTER ONLINE , THANKS DR JUMBA FOR YOUR PERFECT LOVE SPELL .

i want to testify of a powerful spell caster who return my ex boyfriend, it all started when i took his phone and saw a lady message him that she enjoyed the last time and i confronted him about it he was angry and and stop talking to me from that day he started acting strange then he told me he didn't want me anymore that he loves someone else i was so diver-stated i cried all day and night he blocked me from his Instagram and on phone so i couldn't reach him anymore this made me sad and cry even the more i was searching for help online when i saw a comment about Dr Jumba great work i contacted him and told him about my problems and i did everything he asked me to do he told me after 24hrs my ex will return back to me well i doubted him though because my ex didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore the next day to my greatest surprise he called me and was begging me to give him another chance now we are both happy together all thanks to Dr Jumba he can also help you Dr Jumba contact info below .
wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com or wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com

website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

WhatsApp: +19085174108

Reply
Yanda Carter
1/15/2022 02:17:26 pm

I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. “We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has began to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter. I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Jumba! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Jumba for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!”. Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Jumba. If you have any problem contact Dr Jumba now and i guarantee you that he will help you contact him through : wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or +19085174108
website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com

Reply
Annmarie Boyce
1/25/2022 03:25:46 am

I want to thank the great ONIHA for what he did for me. He brought happiness back into my life. My boyfriend left me and told me is over I was devastated as I loved him so much I decided to contact a spells caster and I met a friend who told me of a great doctor called Dr Oniha and I decided to contact him and he told me in three days my boyfriend will call me and beg me to accept him I thought he was joking, in three days everything happened as he said I am so happy now and grateful to you Dr Oniha. You too can also contact Dr Oniha for any kind of relationship problem he can also help you solve your problem.
Email: onihaspelltemple@gmail.com
Call/Whatsapp number: +16692213962
Website: http://onihaspells.com

Reply
Sandra Walter
1/26/2022 02:31:59 am

EFFECTIVE AND POWERFUL SPELL CASTER ONLINE 2022 +19085174108

This has really worked and I am proud to testify of it. I saw a post on how a lady got her man back by Dr. Jumba who helped her to get her  Husband back. Me and my Husband was separated  for 3 good years and some months. Although I never believed in spiritual work I reluctantly tried him because I was desperate but to my greatest surprise Dr. Jumba helped me to bring back my man and now my relationship is now perfect just as he promised. Getting your ex back permanently does not only bring back someone you love back, but it will also re-ignite your lover's feelings for you to be as happy with that person as possible. My man now treats me like a queen and always says he loves me all the time. If you are going through difficulties in your relationship Email him for urgent help.

wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com or wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com
website :  https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com
Call +19085174108

Reply
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/13/2022 04:50:30 pm

Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try this: emutemple@gmail.com copy and message on the following ( emutemple@gmail.com ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341

Reply
Diana Sean
12/27/2022 06:14:28 pm

I want to give thanks to a great man who has brought back my happiness to my life. Dr Jumba is really a great man. He helped me with a lottery spell and love spell. after my lover left me for 2years,i was so frustrated i almost killed myself until i got in contact with Dr Jumba who told me that my ex will be back to me within 24Hours.At first i taught Dr Jumba was a scam until the second day when my lover called me on phone and started begging me that he was sorry that i should forgive him and he bought me a Gold ring and wrist watch i was so happy and really believed that Dr Jumba is really a great spell caster and not a scam like other fake spell caster who are online to add pain to your pain,Please people that need help i will love you people to contact Dr Jumba because i can swear with my life that Dr Jumba is a man to trust.You can contact him on his WhatsApp: +27651108524 , or email him wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or check out his website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

Reply
Diana Sean
12/27/2022 06:15:59 pm

I want to give thanks to a great man who has brought back my happiness to my life. Dr Jumba is really a great man. He helped me with a lottery spell and love spell. after my lover left me for 2years,i was so frustrated i almost killed myself until i got in contact with Dr Jumba who told me that my ex will be back to me within 24Hours.At first i taught Dr Jumba was a scam until the second day when my lover called me on phone and started begging me that he was sorry that i should forgive him and he bought me a Gold ring and wrist watch i was so happy and really believed that Dr Jumba is really a great spell caster and not a scam like other fake spell caster who are online to add pain to your pain,Please people that need help i will love you people to contact Dr Jumba because i can swear with my life that Dr Jumba is a man to trust.You can contact him on his WhatsApp: +27651108524 , or email him wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or check out his website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/

Reply
AZHAR ABDULLAHI
1/10/2023 01:44:07 pm

Hi Guys I’m so excited to share this testimony on how i got my Fiancee back, WITH THE HELP OF A GREAT DOCTOR.
CONTACT; +2349153314547
i am here to give testimony on how this powerful spell caster called Dr BOB  helped me to fix my relationship. i was heartbroken when my fiancee told me he is no longer interested in marrying me because he was having an affair with the other woman where he work. I cried and sobbed every day, until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help, that was when i read a review about the great work of DR BOB, then i contacted him for help to get my lover back, he helped me cast a powerful (reconciliation love spell) and to my greatest surprise after 24 hours of doing the love spell my Fiancee came back on his knees begging me to forgive him. We are now happily married and all thanks goes to Dr BOB Wonders, for helping me save my relationship.you can contact Dr BOB through his mail.....

EMAIL;t999219@gmail.com
CALL/WHATSAPP; +2349153314547

Reply



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