Written by Crystal Bradshaw, LPC, NCC, Gottman 7 Principles Trainer www.SynergyCounselingInnovations.com
Conflict makes appearances in all relationships, successful, happy ones included. The key isn’t to avoid conflict, as many couples mistakenly try to do, it’s to navigate conflict successfully and repair as needed.
In order to do this, you only need one big shift in your current conflict strategy: Focus on the underlying emotion of the conflict. Emotions are the result of: what happens AND the story we tell ourselves about what happens. Typically when conflict arises, instead of reaching out for each other’s hand, couples who struggle with conflict tend to point fingers. They stop seeing their partner as their intimate ally and begin treating them as if they are the enemy. They blame each other for the problems in the relationship. This is erosive to the union as it slowly begins to destroy the emotional bond and eventually leads to greater disconnection, chronic fighting, and often the death of the relationship. If you and your partner are having frequent conflicts, you have to get to the root of what’s going on, and address that. Couples often get lost in the noise of conflict and miss what’s causing the noise. When the source of conflict goes undiscovered, it will continue to find ways to resurface until it is resolved or breaks the relationship apart. So, try to see what’s driving the conflict from underneath.
What’s Your Current Coping Strategy?
If you feel like you’re in a cycle where conflict seems to be dominating your relationship, you’re likely coping with relationship stress by utilizing emotion-focused coping. Emotion-focused coping is simply distress tolerance. You’re doing what you can to manage the stress, not remove it. You find a way to live with it rather than eliminating it. Instead, you need to be utilizing problem-solving coping. Problem-solving coping is where you identify the issue causing conflict and come up with an action plan for handling it. Get Some Perspective Often, in conflict, couples are missing each other in the pursuit of what “really” happened, i.e., pushing your own viewpoint at the expense of your partner's perspective. Your experience is valid, BUT, are you able to see your partner's point-of-view? Can you view their complaints, concerns, and feelings as being linked to legitimate frustrations that they are experiencing within the context of the relationship and not see them as attacks against you or as a personal flaw in them? The more you cling to the belief that what’s going on in the relationship is your partner’s issue, that something is their fault, or that it is your partner that needs to change and be different, then you will be less motivated to initiate change to alter the patterns between the two of you. Seek To Understand If you want to understand your partner's side, then you cannot be solely focused on your own experience. Doing that will only create a reaction / reaction dynamic that will get you nowhere. If you don’t want to collaborate with your partner, then problems will dominate your relationship. You must be willing to momentarily suspend your side of things so that you can step out of a subjective mindset and inhabit another view of the conflict. Own your emotions and make room for your partner’s emotions as well.
READ: ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?
Be Curious In Conflict When you experience your partner seemingly upset, be curious as to why they are upset - rather than getting defensive and reactive. Then just listen. He/she may have a hard time articulating what’s going on for them under the surface. They may not be able to put a word to it immediately, but they will be able to identify that something doesn’t feel right. By listening to your partner, you can help clarify what might be going on for them. You can help them identify what they are reacting to, and then a conversation can shift to understanding why this is occurring. Example:
If you feel like you’re being attacked:
READ: THE POWER OF A LUNCH DATE Identify The Emotions Under The Conflict Instead of trying to disprove each other and explaining to your partner how you’re right and all the ways they are wrong, try to hone in on the underlying emotions driving the conflict. Identify the underlying emotions and the story attached to them, which is what the conflict is really about. Ask yourself: What does this problem symbolize? What story, what meaning, does it have for my partner?
It’s Not About Napping
Partner A naps a lot during the day. This upsets Partner B. Partner B has shared their concerns about the daily napping. Partner A doesn’t understand why this is an issue and feels that Partner B is nagging. As a result, Partner A has been crabby towards Partner B. Partner B did some introspective work to figure out why napping bothered them so much. They identified their underlying emotions. Partner B shared with Partner A that the daily naps during the workday have created a sense of insecurity and taken away peace-of-mind. The meaning attached to Partner A’s napping is associated with their recent history (Partner A lost their job). Partner B had legitimate concerns about Partner A possibly losing their new job as a result of napping during the day. So the emotions Partner A was dealing with was related to Partner B feeling unsettled. Napping during the day seems like nothing to be upset about UNTIL you learn the meaning that is attached to it. There you find understanding, and from there you can work. Partner B’s issue with the napping had ZERO to do with napping, but rather the history and the narrative attached to the napping. Partner A can ask Partner B to talk about their increased sense of insecurity and decreased peace-of-mind, and then address those fears by validating and reassuring Partner B. This couple can stop fighting about napping and use their energy to speak candidly about the underlying emotions and the story attached to them, in order to work collaboratively to reach a resolution. Conflict Is Growth Trying To Happen The hardest part about being a couple is learning to improve responses to problems that come up. When we are responsible for our own emotions, we have the ability to influence our partners emotionally. Remember, there are always two perspectives, yours is not the only one. Problems take place in context. Try to see the emotion under the conflict and the story attached to it. Attune to your partner's side of the story, suspend your defenses, be curious about what’s happening for them, focus on the underlying emotions of the conflict, and speak to those emotions. By identifying and empathizing with your partner’s point-of-view, you are more likely to find a solution that honors both of you. Photo Credit: Ashley Swenson Photo
You may also enjoy25 Ways to Give Your Spouse the Time of Day and Do You Know What a Great Husband You Are?
18 Comments
4/5/2019 04:27:53 pm
For someone that has devoted his personal and professional life into understanding the process of dealing with conflict. The mere title of this book got me excited. Conflict is the seed of closeness. With the proper care of dealing with that conflict the love and respect can grow.
Reply
lawrencia Hall
11/25/2020 12:27:42 pm
This is a testimony that I will advise everyone to read because what I experienced was miraculous. i have been married 4 years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my husband away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2 years until i meant a post about dr jumba helping people to bring back broken relationship and i decided to give him a try to help me bring my beloved Husband home and believe me i just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48 hours as dr jumba told me, my husband came back home and ask for forgiveness i was surprise to see him after a long time. he came back to me and the kids and that is why i am happy to make every one of you who has similar problem or any difficulty in his/her relationship to contact dr Jumba and get your problems solved, His email: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or wiccalovespelltools@yahoo.com you can also contact him or whatsApp him on this +19085174108 . thank so much WEBSITE : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com IF you want to know more about dr jumba services . YOUTUBE: https://youtu.be/kBvs5nQcjWo BLOGSPOT : https://manifestloveinyourbrokenhome.blogspot.com/ DR JUMBA personal blog : https://wiccaspelltools.blogspot.com/
Reply
Bella George
12/1/2020 07:06:44 am
HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK WITH THE HELP OF DR JUMBA CONTACT ON WHATSAPP NUMBER +1 (908) 517 4108
Reply
Laura Davy
4/19/2021 11:05:45 pm
LOVE SPELL CASTER (DR. JUMBA) THAT HELPED ME BRING BACK MY DIVORCE HUSBAND CONTACT HIM NOW FOR ANY KIND OF HELP
Reply
brooke cross
5/6/2021 12:35:52 am
POWERFUL SPELL CASTER THAT BROUGHT MY EX HUSBAND BACK INTO MY LIFE AFTER HE LEFT ME EMAIL HIM VIA EMAIL WICCALOVESPELLTOOLS@GMAIL.COM OR WICCALOVESPELLTOOLS@YAHOO.COM ADD HIM ON WHATSAPP +19085174108
Reply
Ashly Jimi
5/15/2021 10:31:20 am
I will forever be indebted to the great Doctor Jumba for fixing my broken marriage after my husband left me for his mistress for 6 months. I never believed in spells until my friend introduced me to him. At first, I was skeptical about him because I heard a lot about false spell casters but I put my doubts behind me for I was desperate to get my husband back and I did according to what he instructed me to do. Now my husband is back just within 48 hours of contacting him. I'm living happily with my husband again after 6 months of divorce and I will not rest till he's known all over the world. He also specialize in money spells, lottery spells, sickness spells E.T.C. Get connected with Doctor Jumba now, his email is wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or WhatsApp on +19085174108 Or His Website: https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/
Reply
sarah alfred
6/21/2021 06:22:59 pm
POWERFUL LOVE SPELLS AND LOST LOVE SPELLS TO BRING BACK LOST LOVER +19085174108 USA, UK, FRANCE, CANADA, AUSTRALIA, NETHERLANDS, AUSTRIA, BELGIUM, IRELAND.
Reply
jasmine robert
7/3/2021 06:58:12 am
Thank you Dr Jumba for your genuine spells. This is really incredible, and I have never experienced anything like this in my life. Before I came in contact with Dr Jumba, I have tried every possible means that I could to get my husband back, but I actually came to realize that nothing was working out for me, and my husband had developed a lot of hatred for me.. I thought there was no hope of reuniting with my husband until my friend told me about dr jumba and she gave me dr jumba website i googled it and read good reviews about Dr Jumba work , I decided to give it a try and I did everything that he instructed me and I trusted in him and followed his instructions just as he had guaranteed me in 24 hours, and that was exactly when my husband called me and ask for forgiveness that he his on his way to my house .. We are good more than ever. Everything looks perfect and so natural! Thank you so much for your authentic and indisputable spells. Thank you Dr Jumba for your help. If you need help in your marriage or broken relationship, contact Dr Jumba right now for urgent help Email: wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com OR wiccalovelovespelltools@yahoo.com View his website https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/ Call/WhatsApp him: +19085174108
Reply
Felipe Dylan
7/10/2021 11:26:59 am
To everyone out there who thinks love spells don't work, I’m here to tell you that Lord Zakuza love spell is the best and most powerful. I am a wealthy man who has lots of assets and possessions but I have difficulty with women. Whenever I try to settle down with any, we end up breaking up and I had no idea of why I was going through such an experience in my relationship. It was so worrying that I couldn’t be myself anymore and I started searching for help everywhere even at my place of work. I was going through my work activities online and I came across a testimony of a lady called ( Febe Anouk ) regarding how Lord Zakuza helped her to restore her relationship with his love spell, I had to give it a try because I needed my Ex lover back that I love so much. I visited Lord Zakuza website online and I told him everything I was going through. Lord Zakuza consoled me and promised to help me out with my situation by preparing a love spell for me. I followed the instructions given by him to me and within 48 hours, my Ex lover came looking for me and pleaded for forgiveness. Since I came in contact with Lord Zakuza, things have changed for good in my life and right now, I am married with two beautiful kids and my home is blessed. All thanks to Lord Zakuza I am forever thankful to you. Visit his website for any help via lordzakuzaspells.com or WhatsApp him on +1 740-573-9483. Try him and your life will be blessed.
Reply
Olivia bolton
7/30/2021 02:44:13 pm
Reply
molly peterson
8/18/2021 01:03:43 pm
MOST POWERFUL AND HONEST SPELL CASTER ONLINE , THANKS DR JUMBA FOR YOUR PERFECT LOVE SPELL .
Reply
Yanda Carter
1/15/2022 02:17:26 pm
I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored. “We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to normal. He has began to treat me better, and it’s been a healing process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time, the future looks a lot brighter. I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Jumba! It’s like we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and stress has simply vanished. Thank you Dr Jumba for saving my broken Marriage and brought my husband back to me!”. Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Jumba. If you have any problem contact Dr Jumba now and i guarantee you that he will help you contact him through : wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or +19085174108
Reply
Annmarie Boyce
1/25/2022 03:25:46 am
I want to thank the great ONIHA for what he did for me. He brought happiness back into my life. My boyfriend left me and told me is over I was devastated as I loved him so much I decided to contact a spells caster and I met a friend who told me of a great doctor called Dr Oniha and I decided to contact him and he told me in three days my boyfriend will call me and beg me to accept him I thought he was joking, in three days everything happened as he said I am so happy now and grateful to you Dr Oniha. You too can also contact Dr Oniha for any kind of relationship problem he can also help you solve your problem.
Reply
Sandra Walter
1/26/2022 02:31:59 am
EFFECTIVE AND POWERFUL SPELL CASTER ONLINE 2022 +19085174108
Reply
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/13/2022 04:50:30 pm
Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try this: emutemple@gmail.com copy and message on the following ( emutemple@gmail.com ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341
Reply
Diana Sean
12/27/2022 06:14:28 pm
I want to give thanks to a great man who has brought back my happiness to my life. Dr Jumba is really a great man. He helped me with a lottery spell and love spell. after my lover left me for 2years,i was so frustrated i almost killed myself until i got in contact with Dr Jumba who told me that my ex will be back to me within 24Hours.At first i taught Dr Jumba was a scam until the second day when my lover called me on phone and started begging me that he was sorry that i should forgive him and he bought me a Gold ring and wrist watch i was so happy and really believed that Dr Jumba is really a great spell caster and not a scam like other fake spell caster who are online to add pain to your pain,Please people that need help i will love you people to contact Dr Jumba because i can swear with my life that Dr Jumba is a man to trust.You can contact him on his WhatsApp: +27651108524 , or email him wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or check out his website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/
Reply
Diana Sean
12/27/2022 06:15:59 pm
I want to give thanks to a great man who has brought back my happiness to my life. Dr Jumba is really a great man. He helped me with a lottery spell and love spell. after my lover left me for 2years,i was so frustrated i almost killed myself until i got in contact with Dr Jumba who told me that my ex will be back to me within 24Hours.At first i taught Dr Jumba was a scam until the second day when my lover called me on phone and started begging me that he was sorry that i should forgive him and he bought me a Gold ring and wrist watch i was so happy and really believed that Dr Jumba is really a great spell caster and not a scam like other fake spell caster who are online to add pain to your pain,Please people that need help i will love you people to contact Dr Jumba because i can swear with my life that Dr Jumba is a man to trust.You can contact him on his WhatsApp: +27651108524 , or email him wiccalovespelltools@gmail.com or check out his website : https://drjumbaspellhome.wordpress.com/
Reply
AZHAR ABDULLAHI
1/10/2023 01:44:07 pm
Hi Guys I’m so excited to share this testimony on how i got my Fiancee back, WITH THE HELP OF A GREAT DOCTOR.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Conflict
|