NURTURING MARRIAGE®
  • About
    • Us
    • Our Foundational Analogy
    • What We Believe
    • Meet Our Contributors
    • Featured On...
  • 6 Pillars to Nurturing Marriage
    • The Little Things
    • Date Night
    • Intimacy
    • Values to Live By
    • Routines and Rituals
    • Conflict Resolution
  • More
    • Romantic Getaways
    • Money Matters
    • Featured Couples
    • On a Lighter Note
  • BUY OUR BOOKS
    • LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND: A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE DEVOTIONAL
    • NURTURE
  • Coaching Services
  • Contact Us
    • Shareable Quotes
    • Become a Contributor
    • Speaking Engagements
    • Partner with Us
    • Privacy Policy
    • Join the Community >
      • Subscribe to our Newsletter
      • Nurturing Marriage Conversations Facebook Group

10 Tips for Dealing With An Irrationally Angry Spouse

6/5/2015

29 Comments

 
Picture
From time to time, you and your spouse may get a little... should we say, peeved, at each other. It's late in the day, your spouse has had all their wrong buttons pushed far too many times, and you think they're just about to explode. Perhaps they already have. Your little misunderstanding, or disagreement, was just enough to push them over the edge... and he or she snapped! Big time. 

All of a sudden, they are beyond reasoning. They are completely irrational and there doesn't appear to be any way you can improve the situation. What do you do next? How do you deal with a spouse who has simply had enough and appears to be close to their breaking point? Check out these 10 tips for dealing with an irrationally angry spouse!
1. Listen

Quite often, the best thing you can say is... nothing! Rather, just sit back and listen. Let your spouse vent their frustrations and get whatever is bothering them off their chest. They may just need to feel like someone cares about their opinion and is really listening to their point of view. So, become that listening ear.

2. Be patient 

None of us are perfect. From time to time, you're going to have to put up with your spouse's imperfections - just as they put up with yours. Sometimes when a person reaches their breaking point, all those imperfections seem to come out in full bloom... how lovely... NOT! Regardless, be patient with your spouse - they'll come around. 

3. Get some fresh air

We once heard someone tell the story of an older couple where both spouses were still in excellent health. Someone asked the couple how they had maintained such good health over the many years. The husband responded, "When my wife and I were married we made a deal that anytime we had a disagreement one of us would take a walk and get some fresh air. I largely attribute our good health to a lot of fresh air over the years." It's a humorous story, and some really wise advice.

4. Try to see things from their perspective

Try putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel? Would you be upset, hurt, or offended? How would you want to be treated? What would you want to change? Considering the situation from the other person's perspective can provide valuable insight and help you be empathetic, rather than judgmental, of their feelings.

5. Don't retaliate

As tempting as it may be to fly off the rocker yourself and begin telling your spouse how ridiculous they're being - don't. It won't help. Retaliation will only feed their fire and make things worse.

6. Stay calm

Rather than retaliating in an irrational manner yourself, stay calm. Take some deep breaths and retain your composure. Remember, it takes two to tango. Regardless of how your spouse is acting, stay in control of your own emotions. Eventually, their fire will run out of fuel as long as you don't feed it. 

7. Don't get offended

It's quite possible that in the heat of the moment your spouse will say something they don't really mean. It might be rude, unfair, and uncalled for - but try to let it roll off your back. In moments of frustration we've all said things that we regret. So, rather than getting offended and holding a grudge, just let it go and remember that they don't really mean what they're saying.

8. Give them some space

Your spouse may just need a little space and some time to cool off. So be accommodating of that, and go get yourself some ice cream (or get your spouse some ice cream)! No doubt, a little space and time can calm feelings and benefit both of you. If you're having a heated discussion, table it and come back to it when cooler heads have prevailed.

9. Don't laugh 

As funny as it may be to see your spouse pouting and throwing a tantrum like a 3-year old, don't laugh at him or her! They won't like it.

10. Show them some love

Perhaps the best thing you can do is to simply love them - even in their least lovable moments. There's nothing quite like love that can break down barriers and resolve conflict. Give your spouse a huge hug. Hold him or her tight. Maybe you can even try kissing it out of them!

While these suggestions certainly won't solve every tough situation, they will help. It's important to note, however, that there's only so much you can do. Under no circumstance should abuse of any kind be considered acceptable or tolerated. If you find yourself in an abusive situation or relationship, we would strongly encourage you to seek out professional help. There are many wonderful resources available to help individuals struggling with abuse - you are not alone.
29 Comments
ERVIN REYES
7/27/2015 05:14:37 am

ESTO NOS SERVIRA MUCHO LOVE YOU

Reply
Aaron & April
7/28/2015 11:08:53 am

Thanks for commenting, Ervin!

Reply
Stella Hoffman
11/15/2019 04:35:25 pm

I think that the author of this article has no clue or he never faced an angry spouse.
The spouse that showers you with filthy name calling, and accuses you of being guilty of what he is doing. Anything can make him explode, so you are afraid every day that he can explode anytime. You are very careful of what you say and how you say it, but the eggshell under your feet cracks, although, you were so careful...so the explosion hits you, although you were hoping that this time he would not. After all, he told you that all was going to be fine between us.
Then he says sorry, and if you don't respond saying, ok, and hug him back then you can cause the explosion again.
So, every day is the same thing over and over,
and you do not have anyone to tell.
The end.

Reply
Shara B
11/29/2019 02:59:11 am

Hey Stella, sorry to hear you’re suffering like that. I was in a marriage like that for 24 years and it wasn’t until I decided to leave that he agreed to therapy. I had made up my mind, but still we went to a therapist. She told me several important that I needed to know: 1) that my husband had narcissistic personality disorder, 2) that he can’t change because he truly believes he is the victim and is always right or justified in his behavior, 3) his behavior was abusive, 4) that I had been damaged by him, and 5) I should go ahead and leave the relationship and enter recovery. Prior to that moment, I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder and I didn’t realize that what he was doing to me was abusive, although clearly it was. That was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. In the process I learned about NPD, and about myself as an empath and about why he was able to cycle me in the abusive way you described above. I left him 6 years ago, and I’m still healing from the trauma. Bottom line is, you need to leave him. Spend some time listening to Dr Abdul Saad on Vital Mind Psychology on YouTube, or any of the other psychologist who can help you see your way out of this violent relationship.

Faith
11/7/2020 07:04:49 pm

Hi , I’m sorry you’re going through that ! But that sounds more like abuse ! The author specifically day “we can all have bad days” I think that was their target market. People in healthy marriages that are trying to learn to be supportive during the occasion extreme mood change. It sounds ur’re having to deal with a situation of abuse. And this advise is NOT for you. I would think that something much more involved and 3rd party
Work, would be needed in ur husbands case. You would need to know how to keep ur self emotionally ( possible physically ) safe during his moments of aggression! Good luck !!!

Brian
9/14/2021 02:50:11 pm

You literally described my relationship to a T. Almost had tears in my eyes reading. She blames ALL the explosions on me, and I do not know what to do. How did things turn out for you? When this is not happening I am truly the happiest man alive, but this is becoming too common. Did you find a way to fix it?

Jay
3/7/2022 10:27:54 am

Yeah and extra ditto for women who do that because as a man it is embarrassing to have an off the hinges wife with your children who is irrational and violent and essentially hold children they are not fit to raise emotionally ransom.

PB
3/7/2023 03:32:28 am

I am reading the post and damn you are to the point but in my case it is my wife.
- the smallest thing can tick her off
- she does not believe in retrospection of what she has done or the harm she has caused because she thinks she is not responsible because someone else triggered it
- she does not spare the kids either
- she believes she can act, speak, yell, abuse whatever she wants but no one should use the same with her ever
- she is almost like a dual personality where one personality does not see the other. Her flip side is exactly and she can be the most loving, supportive and understanding person
- she has a lot of anciety in her
- had noticed when the first one was born and she has some resentment towards our first born son from the time he was born. When she is nice she can be the most loving and caring mother
- she somehow is not the same towards our daughter and it seems that she is gender biased
- she is the most friendly, social and helpful person outside our house. Everyone loves her. But the moment she is at home, all her frustrations just burst out
- she never closes a chapter, ever! The moment she flips she has all the past ugly memories nicely sorted and indexed like the old telephone directory and keeps bringing them back attack you
- there are times we talk and agree on set rules and then she is the first one to break them
- her mode of operation is to talk non stop, yell, abuse, keep reminding you of what wrong you have done (almost all is when i have tried to retaliate back in response to her behaviour) and she keeps doing that till you loose it.
- the good part is she does not drink, smoke or do drugs
- her worse behaviour comes out when she is sick or tired. She keeps shouting and yelling and fighting in this health making her condition even worse. she will pick up a fight with the same person who is trying to help her in these scenarios.
- she has had a couple surgeries and still does not understand that it is she who depletes her own energy
- I am really tired and have thought of ending my own life or just leaving her. The only thing which keeps me going is the 2 beautiful kids we have
- we also have those wonderful moments and those are the ones that keep me going
- this does impact my mental health and my career
- she encourages me to go out and do something (i like to run, workout) and then she will use the same to fight with me. Or once in a blue moon go with my friends (and the. I will hear about leaving her alone with kids to have fun and being insensitive)
- she has befriended all my closest friends and now i cannot talk to anyone

I have never ever vented out so much but i do not know who will listen and understand.

Claudia
3/21/2023 03:20:08 am

You explained my current situation, I can’t take it anymore.

Jim R
8/14/2017 07:54:41 pm

It also gets old being the "adult" in the daily tantrum, allowing your spouse to vent, yell, and express their frustration in an uncivilized manner, in front of young, impressionable children. Being the rock all the time wears on you.

Reply
julie
12/9/2017 02:22:33 pm

Yes always being the one to remain strong wears you down, you stay for the children but at what cost, I'm so torn.

Reply
RL
1/19/2018 11:04:27 pm

Yes, Jim and Julie you are right. I've been playing the adult role way too long with minimal improvement from my SO. It's hard to maintain your composure when your barraged daily by the wife, and sometimes in front of the kids. I came here looking for ways to deal with this, but I've been at the rodeo over and over.

Reply
Dakotah link
8/26/2019 05:15:17 pm

Yes, and it can be unhealthy physically for the spouse whom has to always be the 'adult' in the relationship. It grades on your self respect and if others witness they lose respect for you for taking it.

Reply
Mary Stephens
2/21/2018 07:31:01 am

My husband of forty years enjoys yelling, screaming, blaming, and temper tantrums plus controlling that I retreat to another room or if its not too late at night take off to go shopping with our adult daughter. Men are bigger babies than babies!!! Also, my daughter and I won't speak to him until he apologizes - which he never does because he has an over-inflated ego!!! He's 62 years old and he still wants to be coddled!!!

Reply
Barbara Cobb
9/18/2018 01:14:20 pm

Oh Mary Stephens, how right you are. My husband is 68 and doesn't yet know how to apologise for his irrational outbursts. Tonight I asked (whilst cooking supper) 'would you mind just keeping an eye on the pan whilst I finish the ironing' ...I had just two bits of ironing to do. From his response you would think I'd asked for a blood transfusion! Off he went shouting 'you want everything YOUR way all of the time', which was completely irrational! I'd just asked him to watch the pan, that's all!!! What is wrong with these men?

Reply
Aivy
6/8/2019 08:36:40 pm

Oh yeah! Just the same as my husband did! We're on our vacation with the inlaws and stayed in the same hotel room.
I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I was making milk for our 21 months old son. And I asked him to wash his son's feet and hands or make him ready for bed time, And then he just suddenly burst raising his voice of whatever he's complaining about what I just asked him to do for our little one. I was very embarrassed of what he just acted! I don't understand why he acted that way sometime. if he doesn't want to do it, fine.. just simply say it! No need to yelled or get frustrated..
(I actually been telling this before on him that I really don't like how he acted like this and I don't know how many times I have to remind this to him about his temper :(

Jim link
9/1/2021 10:07:10 am

Trust me its not just the men! It seems I live with a female verion of what you have decussed.But trying to walk away for space fresh air or to scream ones self doesnt help.

Annette
7/12/2019 06:11:30 pm

My husband yells at me 15-25 time a day, everyday. I've asked him to leave but he won't go. It's been like this since my mother died 6 months ago. He doesn't treat me like a wife, more a blow up doll who is the maid. Before that it would be 30-40 times a week. Life is miserable, but if he leaves I'm financially screwed. So confused

Reply
Rebecca
7/24/2019 01:37:51 am

I do all of what is in this article & I must say it isn't easy & I know none of us are perfect humans BUT it becomes so routinely boring bearing the brunt of his anger & made to feel like I am in the wrong... what really annoys me is instead of any appology I get a sooky poor me attitude which actualy makes me what to rip into him... It hurts
It happened again tonight because his work crew let him down mmmm my fault NOOOO
Two nights ago he left side gate open Labrador got out (many nasty words) as it's my fault I.put him out whilst we had dinner & son in laws fault for not making a decent gate.... people need to own up to their share of fault
So very draining & then when you dont feel.like being intimate he can't understand & boom it's on again ... every time I go outside apparently i.I'm walking away like an immature brat
Well when life gives me lemons I'm going to squirt him in the eyes hahaaas

Reply
Stacy
8/28/2019 10:54:19 am

My boyfriend of 10 years has anger issues and it's ALWAYS directed at me.
I do exactly what this article says but it doesn't help. I stay away from him usually in the bedroom.
He asks me questions with anger lately, like he hates me.
I already suffer from PTSD, anxiety (panic attacks) and depression. His behavior towards me is really not helping my mental well-being. I know I need to take some responsibility for my own mental problems and I do.
Lately it has affected me and my anxiety around him because he usually throws things or punshes something, so out of habit I'm just waiting for it to happen. Or maybe I'm just preparing myself in case.
I can't sleep at night, I'm constantly on guard, I'm isolating myself, depression is worse as well as anxiety ETC.

He also NEVER apologizes and takes absolutely no responsibility for his anger.

Reply
Shara B
11/29/2019 03:17:57 am

Everyone who has posted here should watch these videos on Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Dr Abdul Saad, clinical psychologist of Vital Mind Psychology: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZBzvqUBXdidWWrWmICdMaHw8XE8xhgVq
This is the entire playlist about narcissism, and he has several other videos besides this about the empath. Ladies, what you’re experiencing is verbal abuse and it’s different than simple arguments. Your partners have a disorder of personality or thought. He won’t change, so if you want a normal life that is free of the constant emotional trauma, you will need to leave that relationship. I was married to a man just like you’ve described for 24 years. The damage is deep and complex - it takes years to recover. I love my life and have found love - this time, it’s the real thing. You can too.

Reply
Judith
3/23/2021 08:21:24 pm

I hadn’t any idea this was happening to others too. My husband makes me pay with him instilling emotional pain on me when he doesn’t get his way. Or if he is in the wrong. It’s sad because he gets angry at me for things he’s doing. Not me. And he is Bipolar. I have found out that in the past few years he has been threatening me with suicide just to make me suffer and make it my fault. Usually when he’s in the wrong I’m the one that ends up apologizing and getting blamed. The sad thing is I married him because he was a Christian and I thought we’d have a faithful loving relationship. ButThe day we got back from our honeymoon. He refused to be intimate with me we’ve been married now for 26 years with no sexual relationship. He has always blamed me. I am too fat. My long hair gets in his face. Too many to repeat. No one knows how he really treats me. Besides our marriage counselors through the years. Even then he still blames me. I am sad I am miserable and I have disabled and do not have money to live on my own. So I keep on trying to make the best of this marriage. I am a happy person at heart and hope for the best in everyone. I wish you all safety and some kind of happiness.

Reply
Ray bay
1/29/2020 07:36:00 am

I would love to do this, and I've tried but my husband is the type that will pick and pick until he gets a reaction I honestly belive who ever wrote this has never actually dealt with this on a daily basis. If I did all these things it would benefit my controller and make him feel better sure it would but would it be healthy for the person on the receiving side of this abuse? To that my answer is no..

Reply
Michael stanley
2/6/2020 12:54:38 am

This is all well and good as the husband is the issue. Its my wife. She will accuse me of the very thing she is manifesting. If i react, im the bad guy. If i spoke to her the way she speaks to me, it would be over. Now, its not all the time
She can be caring and sweet, but also, a martyr. I cook i clean i take care of you. I do the same,however that doesnt seem to matter.
I am the sole provider. She helps do the books and some labor, but i am the company. It is hard work, i love my job, i dont complain and never remind her about it.
It serms as though in our relationship i am constantly on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing. If i do there is no discussion. Its instant rage. When i try to talk out issues regarding our relationship, tjere is no adult discussion. She devolves to a child with a sing song sarcasm. She always states i am the problem and we need to divorce. I akways stated i would never cheat on her or divorce her, but im having a realky hard time

Reply
Brett
9/18/2020 05:41:57 pm

It’s odd to me that this article assumes that one’s spouse is being irrational because of a disagreement. What about the spouse that is upset by something the government has done and takes it out on the other spouse. In my case, my wife explodes with violence no matter what angers her. She gets an object such as a bat, a length of 2”x4” lumber, a length of metal pipe and proceeds to break things around our house or breaks a window out of the car; she slams doors and breaks the jams. Then she gets mad because I give her space and patience. She says if I “gave a s... or a f...” I should get mad too. Then she just acts like everything in the world that has ever gone wrong in her life is my fault for a week or so and then finally comes to her senses. When I get angry, if I get angry, it might last an hour or possibly the better part of one day—and that’s it.

Reply
Faith
11/7/2020 07:11:37 pm

Brett, I don’t know both sides of ur situation but it doesn’t sound like it’s what the author was referring to. I think ur situation is much more extreme than “ From time to time, you and your spouse may get a little”. I believe This article is for people in healthy marriages and their spouses is having an Extreme, out of character, mood change. That doesn’t sound like ur situation. You may be in an abusive or codependent relationship and need to seek therapy with a professional psychiatrist. She may have a chemical imbalance that’s not being treated, Or Unhealed Trauma wounds . Good luck !! I hope things gets better

Reply
peace
1/17/2021 09:52:33 am

We got married 3 months ago and it has been a bit of a he'll, accusing me of everything and getting angry for no good reasons, he vent all his life frustration on me everyday. If I try to calm him or listen to him it's either he brings an irrelevant topic or he accuses me of the body gesture. He calls me abusive names anytime he's angry and does not want to listen. He thinks I'm an enemy and on the other hand, claiming he loves. He breaks what he can't affotd if he's angry and controls me like a doll, to the extent of sending me on errands non stop.... it's really a lot. What can I do? Presently, he's angry at me because he feels I'm the cause of his downfalls and never takes responsibility. If he tells me to do something and it doesn't turn out we'll, I take the blame

Reply
eli
2/4/2021 04:29:24 pm

After reading this article I figured I could simplify it with two-three steps depending on your situation


1- go to counselling. either by yourself, or with your partner

2- State your boundaries, you don't deserve to be put through their emotional outbursts.

3- Leave the relationship.

Reply
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/14/2022 01:23:59 pm

Hi, did you know there are spells to win love back from an ex. I have done it. I love reading about relationships and how to make them work, how to better the relationship, and how to keep the spark alive, even how to talk to them a certain way to get them to think a different way about the situation and you. If you need advice or want to win your ex back, try DR EMU copy and message on the following ( Email: emutemple@gmail.com ) or ( WhatsApp: +2347012841542 ) It will change your mentality and get you what you want. Facebook page Https://web.facebook.com/Emu-Temple- 104891335203341

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Conflict
    Resolution

    RSS Feed

    "What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
    -Leo Tolstoy
    Picture

    You Know You Want to Read

    • 15 Tricks to Help You Learn How to Talk to Your Spouse Again
    • 3 Reasons You & Your Spouse Need a Bucket List
    • How Being "Mad" is Hurting Your Relationship
    • 17 Gestures That Make Men Feel Loved
    • Why You Should Still Ask Your Spouse Out on Dates
    • Foreplay Isn't Always What You Think
    • 3 Reasons to Keep Trying to Be Intimate With Your Partner
    • 5 Tips for Dealing with In-Laws Who Feel Like Out-Laws
    Instagram

    Everybody Loves These

    • Doing Things Your Lover Loves Because You Love Your Lover
    • 40 Fabulous Spring Date Ideas
    • 4 Tips to Creating the Marriage You Want
    • What is Your Apology Language?
    • How to Create Bedtime Rituals That Will Nurture Your Marriage
    • 5 Things Great Listeners Do
    Picture
   The Little Things       |     Date Night      |      Intimacy      |      Values to Live By      |      Routines and Rituals      |      Conflict Resolution       

Featured Couples      |      On a Lighter Note      |      Studies Show      |      Shareable Quotes 
  |      Commenting Policy
Photos used under Creative Commons from bortescristian, JasonCorey, ivan.frolov.md, timsamoff, AvgeekJoe, aturkus, anastasia r, JasonCorey, StockMonkeys.com, JasonCorey, abdul / yunir, Shélin Graziela, Rachel.Adams, Stefano Montagner, micadew, sitye3, 401(K) 2013, OER Africa, [SiK-photo], elvissa, thevelvetbird, Rahul de Cunha, Street matt, Dusty J, Emery Co Photo, shanon wise
  • About
    • Us
    • Our Foundational Analogy
    • What We Believe
    • Meet Our Contributors
    • Featured On...
  • 6 Pillars to Nurturing Marriage
    • The Little Things
    • Date Night
    • Intimacy
    • Values to Live By
    • Routines and Rituals
    • Conflict Resolution
  • More
    • Romantic Getaways
    • Money Matters
    • Featured Couples
    • On a Lighter Note
  • BUY OUR BOOKS
    • LOVE IS PATIENT, LOVE IS KIND: A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE DEVOTIONAL
    • NURTURE
  • Coaching Services
  • Contact Us
    • Shareable Quotes
    • Become a Contributor
    • Speaking Engagements
    • Partner with Us
    • Privacy Policy
    • Join the Community >
      • Subscribe to our Newsletter
      • Nurturing Marriage Conversations Facebook Group