From time to time, you and your spouse may get a little... should we say, peeved, at each other. It's late in the day, your spouse has had all their wrong buttons pushed far too many times, and you think they're just about to explode. Perhaps they already have. Your little misunderstanding, or disagreement, was just enough to push them over the edge... and he or she snapped! Big time.
All of a sudden, they are beyond reasoning. They are completely irrational and there doesn't appear to be any way you can improve the situation. What do you do next? How do you deal with a spouse who has simply had enough and appears to be close to their breaking point? Check out these 10 tips for dealing with an irrationally angry spouse!
1. Listen
Quite often, the best thing you can say is... nothing! Rather, just sit back and listen. Let your spouse vent their frustrations and get whatever is bothering them off their chest. They may just need to feel like someone cares about their opinion and is really listening to their point of view. So, become that listening ear. 2. Be patient None of us are perfect. From time to time, you're going to have to put up with your spouse's imperfections - just as they put up with yours. Sometimes when a person reaches their breaking point, all those imperfections seem to come out in full bloom... how lovely... NOT! Regardless, be patient with your spouse - they'll come around. 3. Get some fresh air We once heard someone tell the story of an older couple where both spouses were still in excellent health. Someone asked the couple how they had maintained such good health over the many years. The husband responded, "When my wife and I were married we made a deal that anytime we had a disagreement one of us would take a walk and get some fresh air. I largely attribute our good health to a lot of fresh air over the years." It's a humorous story, and some really wise advice. 4. Try to see things from their perspective Try putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel? Would you be upset, hurt, or offended? How would you want to be treated? What would you want to change? Considering the situation from the other person's perspective can provide valuable insight and help you be empathetic, rather than judgmental, of their feelings. 5. Don't retaliate As tempting as it may be to fly off the rocker yourself and begin telling your spouse how ridiculous they're being - don't. It won't help. Retaliation will only feed their fire and make things worse. 6. Stay calm Rather than retaliating in an irrational manner yourself, stay calm. Take some deep breaths and retain your composure. Remember, it takes two to tango. Regardless of how your spouse is acting, stay in control of your own emotions. Eventually, their fire will run out of fuel as long as you don't feed it. 7. Don't get offended It's quite possible that in the heat of the moment your spouse will say something they don't really mean. It might be rude, unfair, and uncalled for - but try to let it roll off your back. In moments of frustration we've all said things that we regret. So, rather than getting offended and holding a grudge, just let it go and remember that they don't really mean what they're saying. 8. Give them some space Your spouse may just need a little space and some time to cool off. So be accommodating of that, and go get yourself some ice cream (or get your spouse some ice cream)! No doubt, a little space and time can calm feelings and benefit both of you. If you're having a heated discussion, table it and come back to it when cooler heads have prevailed. 9. Don't laugh As funny as it may be to see your spouse pouting and throwing a tantrum like a 3-year old, don't laugh at him or her! They won't like it. 10. Show them some love Perhaps the best thing you can do is to simply love them - even in their least lovable moments. There's nothing quite like love that can break down barriers and resolve conflict. Give your spouse a huge hug. Hold him or her tight. Maybe you can even try kissing it out of them! While these suggestions certainly won't solve every tough situation, they will help. It's important to note, however, that there's only so much you can do. Under no circumstance should abuse of any kind be considered acceptable or tolerated. If you find yourself in an abusive situation or relationship, we would strongly encourage you to seek out professional help. There are many wonderful resources available to help individuals struggling with abuse - you are not alone.
34 Comments
ERVIN REYES
7/27/2015 05:14:37 am
ESTO NOS SERVIRA MUCHO LOVE YOU
Aaron & April
7/28/2015 11:08:53 am
Thanks for commenting, Ervin!
Stella Hoffman
11/15/2019 04:35:25 pm
I think that the author of this article has no clue or he never faced an angry spouse.
Shara B
11/29/2019 02:59:11 am
Hey Stella, sorry to hear you’re suffering like that. I was in a marriage like that for 24 years and it wasn’t until I decided to leave that he agreed to therapy. I had made up my mind, but still we went to a therapist. She told me several important that I needed to know: 1) that my husband had narcissistic personality disorder, 2) that he can’t change because he truly believes he is the victim and is always right or justified in his behavior, 3) his behavior was abusive, 4) that I had been damaged by him, and 5) I should go ahead and leave the relationship and enter recovery. Prior to that moment, I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder and I didn’t realize that what he was doing to me was abusive, although clearly it was. That was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. In the process I learned about NPD, and about myself as an empath and about why he was able to cycle me in the abusive way you described above. I left him 6 years ago, and I’m still healing from the trauma. Bottom line is, you need to leave him. Spend some time listening to Dr Abdul Saad on Vital Mind Psychology on YouTube, or any of the other psychologist who can help you see your way out of this violent relationship.
Faith
11/7/2020 07:04:49 pm
Hi , I’m sorry you’re going through that ! But that sounds more like abuse ! The author specifically day “we can all have bad days” I think that was their target market. People in healthy marriages that are trying to learn to be supportive during the occasion extreme mood change. It sounds ur’re having to deal with a situation of abuse. And this advise is NOT for you. I would think that something much more involved and 3rd party
Brian
9/14/2021 02:50:11 pm
You literally described my relationship to a T. Almost had tears in my eyes reading. She blames ALL the explosions on me, and I do not know what to do. How did things turn out for you? When this is not happening I am truly the happiest man alive, but this is becoming too common. Did you find a way to fix it?
Jay
3/7/2022 10:27:54 am
Yeah and extra ditto for women who do that because as a man it is embarrassing to have an off the hinges wife with your children who is irrational and violent and essentially hold children they are not fit to raise emotionally ransom.
PB
3/7/2023 03:32:28 am
I am reading the post and damn you are to the point but in my case it is my wife.
Claudia
3/21/2023 03:20:08 am
You explained my current situation, I can’t take it anymore.
Brian
9/11/2023 04:08:43 pm
How did it end up for everyone who replied under this comment? This all sounds very similar to my situation. Is there a solution, or something to make this manageable?
Jim R
8/14/2017 07:54:41 pm
It also gets old being the "adult" in the daily tantrum, allowing your spouse to vent, yell, and express their frustration in an uncivilized manner, in front of young, impressionable children. Being the rock all the time wears on you.
julie
12/9/2017 02:22:33 pm
Yes always being the one to remain strong wears you down, you stay for the children but at what cost, I'm so torn.
RL
1/19/2018 11:04:27 pm
Yes, Jim and Julie you are right. I've been playing the adult role way too long with minimal improvement from my SO. It's hard to maintain your composure when your barraged daily by the wife, and sometimes in front of the kids. I came here looking for ways to deal with this, but I've been at the rodeo over and over.
Katie
9/19/2023 08:16:18 am
I don't think that last part is true Dakotah. My situation is similar. My spouse isn't as extreme. But he DOES act like a spoiled brat when he doesn't get his way. He can get verbally assaultive. Everyone who sees his behavior thinks I deserve a medal for putting up with his childishness. He can be embarrassing. I think more so to himself than to me.
Mary Stephens
2/21/2018 07:31:01 am
My husband of forty years enjoys yelling, screaming, blaming, and temper tantrums plus controlling that I retreat to another room or if its not too late at night take off to go shopping with our adult daughter. Men are bigger babies than babies!!! Also, my daughter and I won't speak to him until he apologizes - which he never does because he has an over-inflated ego!!! He's 62 years old and he still wants to be coddled!!!
Barbara Cobb
9/18/2018 01:14:20 pm
Oh Mary Stephens, how right you are. My husband is 68 and doesn't yet know how to apologise for his irrational outbursts. Tonight I asked (whilst cooking supper) 'would you mind just keeping an eye on the pan whilst I finish the ironing' ...I had just two bits of ironing to do. From his response you would think I'd asked for a blood transfusion! Off he went shouting 'you want everything YOUR way all of the time', which was completely irrational! I'd just asked him to watch the pan, that's all!!! What is wrong with these men?
Aivy
6/8/2019 08:36:40 pm
Oh yeah! Just the same as my husband did! We're on our vacation with the inlaws and stayed in the same hotel room.
Katie
9/19/2023 08:39:21 am
My husband is a mix of many of these personalities. He's never really been physically abusive. Ever. However he can get a bit verbal once in a while. Especially when he doesn't get his own way. Its almost like he's a wannabe controller. When he acts like your husband, Barbara, I just shut everything down and say "You want it then do it yourself." He doesn't want to do for himself so he apologizes and helps. Not always that easy though. But by taking control of myself and not losing it, I'm in control of the situation. The key is to control you, not him. I mean depending how bad you have it. Mine is basically a non abusive situation. He just acts like a spoiled brat that hasn't grown up. So his temper tantrums can lead to verbal assault. You just control you and let him throw his little tantrums until he gets it out of his system. The main thing is DON'T give in to him. Shut everything down and walk away. Works for me. May not work for you. Also, I don't have little one in the picture.
Katie
9/19/2023 08:20:31 am
If my husband doesn't stop referring to me as his second Mom in public and private, I will scream. LOL.
Annette
7/12/2019 06:11:30 pm
My husband yells at me 15-25 time a day, everyday. I've asked him to leave but he won't go. It's been like this since my mother died 6 months ago. He doesn't treat me like a wife, more a blow up doll who is the maid. Before that it would be 30-40 times a week. Life is miserable, but if he leaves I'm financially screwed. So confused
Rebecca
7/24/2019 01:37:51 am
I do all of what is in this article & I must say it isn't easy & I know none of us are perfect humans BUT it becomes so routinely boring bearing the brunt of his anger & made to feel like I am in the wrong... what really annoys me is instead of any appology I get a sooky poor me attitude which actualy makes me what to rip into him... It hurts
Stacy
8/28/2019 10:54:19 am
My boyfriend of 10 years has anger issues and it's ALWAYS directed at me.
Shara B
11/29/2019 03:17:57 am
Everyone who has posted here should watch these videos on Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Dr Abdul Saad, clinical psychologist of Vital Mind Psychology: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZBzvqUBXdidWWrWmICdMaHw8XE8xhgVq
Judith
3/23/2021 08:21:24 pm
I hadn’t any idea this was happening to others too. My husband makes me pay with him instilling emotional pain on me when he doesn’t get his way. Or if he is in the wrong. It’s sad because he gets angry at me for things he’s doing. Not me. And he is Bipolar. I have found out that in the past few years he has been threatening me with suicide just to make me suffer and make it my fault. Usually when he’s in the wrong I’m the one that ends up apologizing and getting blamed. The sad thing is I married him because he was a Christian and I thought we’d have a faithful loving relationship. ButThe day we got back from our honeymoon. He refused to be intimate with me we’ve been married now for 26 years with no sexual relationship. He has always blamed me. I am too fat. My long hair gets in his face. Too many to repeat. No one knows how he really treats me. Besides our marriage counselors through the years. Even then he still blames me. I am sad I am miserable and I have disabled and do not have money to live on my own. So I keep on trying to make the best of this marriage. I am a happy person at heart and hope for the best in everyone. I wish you all safety and some kind of happiness.
Ray bay
1/29/2020 07:36:00 am
I would love to do this, and I've tried but my husband is the type that will pick and pick until he gets a reaction I honestly belive who ever wrote this has never actually dealt with this on a daily basis. If I did all these things it would benefit my controller and make him feel better sure it would but would it be healthy for the person on the receiving side of this abuse? To that my answer is no..
Michael stanley
2/6/2020 12:54:38 am
This is all well and good as the husband is the issue. Its my wife. She will accuse me of the very thing she is manifesting. If i react, im the bad guy. If i spoke to her the way she speaks to me, it would be over. Now, its not all the time
Brett
9/18/2020 05:41:57 pm
It’s odd to me that this article assumes that one’s spouse is being irrational because of a disagreement. What about the spouse that is upset by something the government has done and takes it out on the other spouse. In my case, my wife explodes with violence no matter what angers her. She gets an object such as a bat, a length of 2”x4” lumber, a length of metal pipe and proceeds to break things around our house or breaks a window out of the car; she slams doors and breaks the jams. Then she gets mad because I give her space and patience. She says if I “gave a s... or a f...” I should get mad too. Then she just acts like everything in the world that has ever gone wrong in her life is my fault for a week or so and then finally comes to her senses. When I get angry, if I get angry, it might last an hour or possibly the better part of one day—and that’s it.
Faith
11/7/2020 07:11:37 pm
Brett, I don’t know both sides of ur situation but it doesn’t sound like it’s what the author was referring to. I think ur situation is much more extreme than “ From time to time, you and your spouse may get a little”. I believe This article is for people in healthy marriages and their spouses is having an Extreme, out of character, mood change. That doesn’t sound like ur situation. You may be in an abusive or codependent relationship and need to seek therapy with a professional psychiatrist. She may have a chemical imbalance that’s not being treated, Or Unhealed Trauma wounds . Good luck !! I hope things gets better
peace
1/17/2021 09:52:33 am
We got married 3 months ago and it has been a bit of a he'll, accusing me of everything and getting angry for no good reasons, he vent all his life frustration on me everyday. If I try to calm him or listen to him it's either he brings an irrelevant topic or he accuses me of the body gesture. He calls me abusive names anytime he's angry and does not want to listen. He thinks I'm an enemy and on the other hand, claiming he loves. He breaks what he can't affotd if he's angry and controls me like a doll, to the extent of sending me on errands non stop.... it's really a lot. What can I do? Presently, he's angry at me because he feels I'm the cause of his downfalls and never takes responsibility. If he tells me to do something and it doesn't turn out we'll, I take the blame
eli
2/4/2021 04:29:24 pm
After reading this article I figured I could simplify it with two-three steps depending on your situation
SCOTT WYCOFF
6/14/2022 01:23:59 pm
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NP
9/11/2023 01:45:14 pm
I must be married to the same woman that is described in the post underneath "PB @ 3/7/2023 03:32:28 am". In my case, my wife refuses to believe she has mental illness (something I finally got the courage to tell her after after nearly 20 years into our marriage and coming to that realization only a few years prior) specifically personality disorders. Instead it's now included into the ever growing list of wrongs that I've done to her and she turns it around and screams that I am the one with mental illness along with everyone else in my family that she has cannot get along with. I kept my wife's behavior a dark secret for nearly 23 years, only my children knew. But then my parents moved in with us a year and a half ago and they also became her targets. They finally got fed up with it and moved out and my Dad let out the secret. Now my wife works overtime to craft her own narratives to share with friends and relatives that make her appear as the victim. It's gotten to the point that now she makes up narratives on the fly, accusing me of saying or doing things that I would never say or do yet. I don't think she is lying but I'm her head she really thinks I said or did whatever she is accusing me of so that she can tell others how much I am hurting her. PB's post is a reminder that these high conflict personalities are not unique. Leave a Reply. |
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